To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

[TiredTravelMug]

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

I'm not teaching him adults are predators, nor am I telling him "I don't want you to go to the men's toilets because you might get assaulted by a peado".

Get a grip.

It's strange to think there are paedos everywhere though op

There are dangerous people out there though and 9 times out of 10 you can't tell just by looking at them.

It's more strange to think there aren't any peados anywhere imo.

What do you tell him when he asks why he can’t use the men’s toilets, though?

Sometimes we inadvertently teach our children things through our actions, rather than through what we say.

Strange comment.
Of course they're not "everywhere", but where they will be, predominantly, is in a place where an unaccompanied child is in a vulnerable position.

This.

Even with the mother hanging around outside the door listening and waiting to pounce? Possible. But not likely.

Indeed - and in that basis, NO ONE of any age should go into the men’s toilets 🤷‍♀️

What - so up to secondary school?

The place where peadophiles are more likely to be is somewhere in your family or friendship circle tbh, not hanging around toilets, but making you think they are a safe person while grooming your kid.

I've heard they hold their agms in the toilets

Oh god, yes, the gawping - even worse in changing rooms.

You’re just attracting the Mumsnet toilet extremists OP. Honestly, who cares if an eight year old boy is in the ladies loo? You’d have to be completely mental to care. Put your son first - he comes before lunatic women who might be traumatised for life by a small child watching them wash their hands.

Eh? Not following - why?

I already let my son in certain places and he is just shy of 6. I wait by the door. Often there's no one in there.

Violet, maybe women are all a bit 'lunatic', me for not wanting weird gawping boys in female only spaces, and thise who think paedos are lurking round every corner

much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me

This is a worrying sentence in your OP. It suggests that your anxiety is having a negative impact on your parenting and, consequently, on your DS’s ability to develop in an age appropriate way.

There are always going to be dangers. But using a mens toilet on his own while out and about with you is not a particularly dangerous activity. You have embodied your general fear of him coming to harm into particular types of danger (in this case, sexual assault by a stranger) which are actually fairly rare, and treat them as though they require much more caution than risks which are more common.

Mumsnet gets a bit weird about toilets OP.

I certainly don’t think there is anything wrong with a child potentially seeing me wash my hands or top up makeup. It does not make the space any less ‘safe’.

I think the argument for women only spaces is clear and I absolutely agree. However, we are talking about a child not a ‘Man’.

That being said, I think 8 is probably old enough and with you waiting outside it would be safe. He will probably start getting embarrassed about going to the ladies and there is always potential a school friend sees him going in or coming out and teases him.

Another day, another Mumsnet toilet thread

I phased it depending on circumstance with my now 9 & 11yo DSs. Them going together was reassuring and DS2 has been familiarised more because of DS1, plus he's a more confident child.

DS1 was accompanied into female toilets for longer. On his 8th birthday, he was not ready to be in public spaces on his own so it started with very babysteps. He did not have his diagnoses of dyspraxia and autism at that point, and this thread's demonstrated that there is potential for difficulties for a child with undiagnosed, invisible disabilities when people will assume that you're taking the piss (literally) with disabled facilities. He's small for his age, pretty androgenous and was supervised so was no threat, real or percieved to other female users of the toilet. Over time his social confidence has grown and he's increasingly used male facilities.

It's been very much listening to my children and phasing them forwards. Most children are ready sooner than DS1, but many are not ready by an arbitary age, and there's not much official about 8. Places like school have policies because they aren't supervised, and school toilets can be spaces where groups mess around (DS withholds at school rather than risk encountering misbehaviour)

If they're ready for that next step, let them. Parenting is about meeting your child's needs and encouraging their development.

Paedos are everywhere! Just not all men are paedos.
I've encountered a few instances of men staring at my child over the years. I knew what it meant. One was a distant acquaintance who was awfully eager to babysit my child. Yeah, no fucking way!

What an utterly stupid suggestion….Disabled toilets are for those who are disabled!!! They are not family toilets, to be used in the way you suggest!

My friend worked in a young offenders unit....... her son is not permitted to use men's toilets alone as a direct consequence of what she learnt working with young offenders.

YANBU
There are some sick people out there ready and waiting to take advantage.
I would wait until he is older and even then keep a good eye on him.
When my DS started going to the gents alone, if I thought he was taking too long, I would open the main door to the gents loos very slightly and call him to see if he was okay.

Young offenders are also not lurking round every corner