To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

[TiredTravelMug]

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

I don't think there is necessarily a cut off age at which children can no longer go into toilets of opposite sex. All children and situations are different based on maturity.

The fact he is asking you and is showing signs of embarrassment indicates it is time you start letting him. Remember an incident with a year 5 class when a not particularly kind girl came in and announced to the class she saw one of the boys in the girls toilet with his mum cos he was 'too little' to go the boys. Poor lad was very embarrassed.

What do you think will happen in the mens' toilets? Have you ever been in?

People get very nasty about this subject. I would be so nervous about it but he's asking. I would stand outside the door and maybe even keep a foot in the door so you can hear in. Make sure he knows to go in a cubicle and lock the door and shout if anyone tries to open it.

Well done! Honestly, following him into the ladies is a bit weird as well.

Stand outside the men's. Restaurants etc fine, it's not like it's the local boozer.

I was a single mum to a boy too.

You’re not seriously suggesting middle class men don’t commit sexual assaults on children are you? I can assure you from bitter experience that they certainly do!

An 8 year old boy is not a small boy.

I was showering in the cubicles in the family changing area at the leisure centre with my daughter. A dad was not supervisinh his kids very closely and the two boys of around 7 or 8 were constantly sticking their heads under the partition. I'd removed my swimsuit to wash as chlorine iritates my skin and despite me yelling at them to stop they persisted. When their dad finally appeared and i had a word he was mortified.

At that age they absolutely should know thats completely inappropriate - so they were quite deliberately, knowingly invading my privacy, to look at me. It was really quite uncomfortable for me and im not prudish about nudity.

Unlikely to be sexually motivated at that age but not the point. It is somehow quite different a child of that age doing it versus a younger child of 3 or 4.

What do you think will happen in the mens' toilets? Have you ever been in?

Oh come on. No one is this naive.

Where would a truck driver who shops at John Lewis and eats at McDonald's sit on your risk chart?!
How ridiculous and naive to categorise people like that.

Oh, give over

I have never seen a cut off age for boys to use the women’s toilets in a public place. I have only ever seen signs that say ‘this area is monitored by both male and female attendants’. If a male can enter the women’s toilets to clean then it’s fine for a boy to enter if they are over 8.

so I take it the women/girls who are saying they feel uncomfortable with a boy in the toilets also don’t use these toilets that a male attendant can enter at anytime either then?

im a mum to a boy and he used the women’s toilets up until he was around 10. He never felt comfortable using the men’s toilets on his own and would have rather held it then go. We never had anyone say anything when he did enter the women’s.

the difference here is your son is ready to use the men’s toilets. If he is ready then let him. You can wait outside for him so you are on hand if he needs you. Chances are he will be in and out in less than an minute! Boys don’t usually hang around, your lucky if the remember to wash their hands😂

Male toilets are open plan with nowhere to hide so you are on view all the time to anyone who comes in.

That’s incorrect. Male toilets also have cubicles.

Not many.

But more than one, and one is enough.

8 - assuming the kid is reasonably sensible - is old enough to be going into the men's toilets, especially if he is starting to get uncomfortable using the ladies.

And there really isn't a man waiting to pounce in every public toilet, ffs. The risk is vanishingly small and in places like shopping centres etc where there will be other people about really there is no risk at all.

"No risk at all" would suggest it has never happened, and yet...

The things is the risk of something happening is small, but the harm that could be caused is definitely not small in most circumstances of assault.

Actually a majority do have at least one cubicle in them! Men can’t use a urinal for number 2’s can they 🙄😂

just asked 2 males in my house and both have said they have never used a public toilet that doesn’t have at least 1 cubicle!

SO a quick check of the ONS stats for sexual assault shows that male toilets are not a hot spot for assault. Indeed the highest two places are the familial home and then the perpetrators home. Male toilets are so insignificant as to not even get a mention on the list. They may well fall in to the "other" category though.

I have boys and if I was out without my husband I'd stand right outside the door and call 'all ok'? So that anyone else knew they weren't alone. But we really tried to avoid it - using accessible toilets, or planning loo stops better.

I meant not many cubicles, not that many toilets didn't have them. Sorry should have been clearer! Yes men also need to poop.

This is one of the reasons individual toilets should be simply the norm.

Was that sexual assults on adult victims or children? Most sexual assaults aren't reported in either case, unfortunately.

I think using the term ‘invade female only spaces’ is just ridiculous here and you’re doing a real disservice to the genuine issues on this matter that are happening right now. It’s totally inappropriate in this context, please don’t.

NB I've always told my boys never to use urinals.