To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

[TiredTravelMug]

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

Yes, I said that in my post.

I didn't

It's not sexual violence I fear from boys in female spaces, i just don't like their gawping, it makes me feels uncomfortable

The answer isn’t to never expose them to risk though is it. It’s to expose them to the risk, that will always be there, in as safe a way as possible. Gradually giving them more independence over time. It’s not all or nothing. There no age where a child is suddenly safe.

much like crossing a road. It will always have an element of risk. They can’t never cross roads though. You gradually let them have more independence in road crossing over time.

I knew my own child and he was mature enough at 6.

And you can keep your filthy mind the fuck away from my child, thanks.

My ds is 10 and still uses the ladies when we go out if dh or older ds isn’t with us as he doesn’t feel happy going into the men’s alone.

Not once have we had an issue - 9/10 there’s not really anyone else in there and nobody has said anything anyway if there was ! (Although he has long hair so I wonder if people just don’t realise!)

That’s not exclusive to boys. I have a five year old daughter who is terrible for this 😂 I have to keep reminding her not to stare.

He should not be going I to ladies toilets over 8 years. You can stand outside men's and teach him to shout if an adult male approaches him. As other say in soft play, cafes etc he should be using male toilets already to get used to it. Never fair to invade female only spaces.

My son is 8 and if he is with me then I take him to the women’s toilets.

If he’s with his dad then his dad lets him go off to the men’s toilets alone.

He doesn't belong in the Ladies. I understand your reluctance to send him into the Mens unaccompanied, though.
Try to find cubicle toilets in future, the Ladies is not the answer.

I'd still take him in with me for now, I feel the same. But if he must go to the men's alone, I'd probably have a foot in the door and (without looking in) keep up a conversation with him fairly loudly. ie Have you found a cubicle yet? How are you getting on? Are you ready yet? Have you flushed the toilet? Have you washed your hands? etc. This way you can keep in contact with him verbally, and also sends a message to anyone inside that you are there, waiting and very much present.

Good for you. It's not really about maturity, unfortunately, when you're talking about child safety.

Under a certain age we don't see young children as being able to infringe the privacy and dignity of those of the opposite sex but that obviously changes as they get older. Whether people agree with it or not, 8 has been considered to be the age when that infringement may start to occur.

My son is 9 I take him with me - no issues. If at scouts or football he will go with one of the dads - but there isn’t an issue. He has facial blindness and can’t see ‘bad intention’ though and autistic (high functioning) - I think it is just safer

I think more harm is done to children when we are teaching them that adults are predators and can’t be trusted. Most adults will go out of their way to be kind to a child. YABU to teach a child that a perfectly normal activity is dangerous.

Gawping at what? Do you go to the toilet with the door open?

Oh and he doesn’t gawp 😂and everyone is in a cubicle in the ladies

YANBU at all.

@TheWolves well said.

There is a certain danger in using the toilet / getting changed (after swimming, etc) in a room full of strange men when you're a very small boy.
It's brutal that it should be that way, and of course the risk of harm is small, but it's there 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can ways encourage him to use the cubicle rather than the urinal.

I was replying to a post that said it was about maturity. I had previously said that a 30kg 10 year old stand little more chance than a 20kg 6 year old against an 80kg adult male. Boys of all ages can be sexually assaulted, including teens. So what is it about?

This.

As a parent is natural to want to protect our DC for as long as possible, but there's a point where protecting becomes wrapping them in cotton wool, I think this is that point in this situation.