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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

467 replies

TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 15:54

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

OP posts:
redskyhaze · 15/10/2022 17:37

TheWolves · 15/10/2022 17:35

Personally, I don't give a shit if people don't want DS in with me in the ladies.

Get over yourselves. He's a child not a pervert in a filthy raincoat!

Well quite. Some people just like to find things to kick up a fuss over.

If you’re doing nothing wrong (which you’re not), ignore and carry on.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 15/10/2022 17:37

“. 8 year old girls should not be feeling worried/ uncomfortable about this and I would be concerned at what kind of messages she’s receiving from parents/ society if it really actually worries her to see an 8 year old boy in the ladies’ toilets with his mum.”

^I totally disagree with this. I think 8 is a perfectly normal age for children to start feeling embarrassed about being around the opposite sex, covering their bodies etc. kids this age are aware of boys and girls and starting to develop an awareness of attraction/ talking of boyfriend/girlfriend etc. it’s not so long after this some girls start their periods too.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/10/2022 17:37

I think it’s only once your son reaches 8 that you realise how young this actually is to go into the men’s alone.

If my 8 yo asked to go in there ie was uncomfortable in the ladies I would probably let him, but I’d be worried about it.

Im sorry if it upsets anyone but my 8 yo is a very young and childish 8 and I’m not sending him into the gents.

Where we go swimming it’s nearly always a village thank goodness.

Gemmanorthdevon · 15/10/2022 17:37

TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 16:01

I always will accompany him in the ladies, I don't let him go in there alone either.

I didn't realise there was a legal age limit for this stuff, but yes I didn't think of it in that way and that it could be seen as an invasion of women's space, definitely an oversight on my part.

No oversight love, he is 8, so still legal, and im sorry, but any mother in those loo's wouldnt care either.....( invading womens space indeed!! , unless got knickers down outside cubicle? More important questions may need addressing there! ) ..and tbh, I wouldn't give a toss what anybody else thought if I was acting with the intention of keeping my child safe. I have a boy too and he ain't going out of my sight in public, especially not around men with their pants down...might be persuaded to let him do this at 10!

You do what's right for you and whatever your boy let's you get away with!

fizzyfood · 15/10/2022 17:38

I take my 7 year old to the ladies loos. I think upto age 11 is ok.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/10/2022 17:38

The big “but” obviously is that they must always make sure not to be peeing on the seat or anything, and you should check they haven’t

MiniRobin · 15/10/2022 17:39

User19876 · 15/10/2022 17:26

I find this very irresponsible. I have a just-turned 6 year old and there’s no way in hell I would send him alone into a men’s toilet unless it was empty. I don’t care if his presence is offending someone else’s delicate sensibilities, his safety is my priority.

Show quote history

This.

Samcro · 15/10/2022 17:39

ilovelamp82 · 15/10/2022 15:56

I'm sure others may disagree but I'm with you. And my son is very tall for his age which isn't ideal but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Please don’t suggest using disabled toilet
unless he has a disability

Greyarea12 · 15/10/2022 17:39

Sirzy · 15/10/2022 17:25

What about the young girls who don’t feel comfortable having a male in their space or do they not matter?

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@Sirzy I have a 10 year old daughter. Many of times she has seen male children in the toilet with their Mums and hasn't batted an eyelid or said they are invading her space or even asked why they are in there. An 8 year old boy in a male toilet on his own is more at risk than my 10 year old daughter in a female toilet with an 8 year-old boy accompanied by his Mum and their safety is more important.

I have just asked my dd if she would think anything of an 8 year old boy in the female toilets with his Mum. She said no. She has started her period so i asked her what would she think if she was on her period. She said, nothing, they wouldnt even know what i was doing (in terms of changing her pad).

Pixiedust1234 · 15/10/2022 17:39

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 16:23

He's 8. It's fine. And I think expecting the op to singlehandedly solve the millennia old problem of male violence/sexual violence is a little unrealistic.

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Someone's got to start it. Why not the OP?

zurala · 15/10/2022 17:41

I think 8 is fine! My 8yo comes in the toilet with me, he won't go alone even at home. I think primary school age is ok, personally.

Greenight · 15/10/2022 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ancientgran · 15/10/2022 17:42

MinervaTerrathorn · 15/10/2022 17:31

DS was 5 ft nothing and 40kg at 13. He didn't have much more chance at fighting off an adult male than when he was 8. When he was young I waited outside, when he was older he knew to spot safe and unsafe situations. Of course the worst can still happen in a busy shopping centre or similar 'safe' area, but you just have to take that risk.

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So do you think he was more able to spot safe and unsafe situations at 13 than at 8?

No you don't have to take the risk even if other people think you do. If the OP considers her son still needs to be using women's toilets with her that isn't something you can stop.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 15/10/2022 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gay men weren't 'flirting' with your son.

If that is true then paedophiles were 'flirting' with your son, and you did fuck all about it apart from 'notice' by the sounds of it.

Thesearmsofmine · 15/10/2022 17:45

MinervaTerrathorn · 15/10/2022 17:36

Do you think a 20kg 6 year old is much more vulnerable than a 30kg 10 year old to a 80kg adult male? He was mature enough at 6 to follow instructions on what to do if he had trouble.

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No 6 year old is mature enough to know what to do if someone behaved inappropriately or hurt him. They just aren’t no matter what instruc You had given him,m. There is a huge difference between a 6 year old and a 10 year old.

OliveTree75 · 15/10/2022 17:46

I let my 9yr old boy go to the men’s toilet alone. He has for a while. Our 7yo boy is allowed to go with him as well

Gilead · 15/10/2022 17:48

If you're not comfortable with him going to mens, then I suggest you earmark a few places that have either individual cubicles or individual disabled loos that he can use
😡

Original poster
TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 17:48

Thesearmsofmine · 15/10/2022 17:45

No 6 year old is mature enough to know what to do if someone behaved inappropriately or hurt him. They just aren’t no matter what instruc You had given him,m. There is a huge difference between a 6 year old and a 10 year old.

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I agree, children aren't emotionally equipped to recognise certain dangerous situations even at 10 most of the time, no matter how well we teach them, especially when it comes to grooming and things like that.

OP posts:
User19876 · 15/10/2022 17:48

MinervaTerrathorn · 15/10/2022 17:36

Do you think a 20kg 6 year old is much more vulnerable than a 30kg 10 year old to a 80kg adult male? He was mature enough at 6 to follow instructions on what to do if he had trouble.

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It’s less about size and more about maturity and naivety. A 6 year old can understand and agree to yell if someone hurts them in theory but they are much more gullible and easier to manipulate than a 10 year old, so may stay quiet if they are threatened or told they’ll get a present or whatever. I just don’t know why you’d risk it personally.

PAFMO · 15/10/2022 17:49

Gemmanorthdevon · 15/10/2022 17:37

No oversight love, he is 8, so still legal, and im sorry, but any mother in those loo's wouldnt care either.....( invading womens space indeed!! , unless got knickers down outside cubicle? More important questions may need addressing there! ) ..and tbh, I wouldn't give a toss what anybody else thought if I was acting with the intention of keeping my child safe. I have a boy too and he ain't going out of my sight in public, especially not around men with their pants down...might be persuaded to let him do this at 10!

You do what's right for you and whatever your boy let's you get away with!

Show quote history

As long as you keep your kid with his pants down the fuck away from my daughter ..

Original poster
TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 17:50

PAFMO · 15/10/2022 17:49

As long as you keep your kid with his pants down the fuck away from my daughter ..

Show quote history

I don't think anyone here, including myself, would encourage their young son to pull their pants down in front of anyone else...

OP posts:
Comedycook · 15/10/2022 17:51

As long as you keep your kid with his pants down the fuck away from my daughter

He's 8 and in the toilets with his mum...get a grip

Teddysarockstar · 15/10/2022 17:51

If a man follows ANY child in to the toilet determined to assault them there is little chance of the child escaping harm.

I really do think we are at the point we should be chaperoning our kids to the toilet

TheHauntedPencilCase · 15/10/2022 17:51

If it helps my nearly 9yo had an upset tummy at the airport a while ago. He was jn there ages and I hung around outside. Around 6 men asked me if they could help or check on him for me when they saw me in their way out (quite obviously loitering for a child) so I hope that's reassuring. They are vulnerable but male spaces can be safe.

spurs4ever · 15/10/2022 17:52

OP you have to go with what you and your DS are comfortable with. It's beyond bizarre to suggest an 8 yr old in ladies toilets is invading a woman's space so you have every right to take him with you or allow him to go alone. As he's expressed that he wants to use the Mens then do as others have suggested and build up to it depending on the venue etc. From memory I think my elder DS was about 10 when he started using the Mens on his own, probably took younger DS with him when he was maybe 8/9?