Aibu to have said no to them coming?

[Unknown455]

So we are a family of 4 and we have been struck down with this virus that's going round for over a week now ( it's not covid as we've all tested negative)
It's awful I've been in bed for the last 6 days, fever on and off, severe headaches, vomiting and nausea all 4 of us haven't eaten much let alone a proper meal in these last 6 days either . My husband and kids have been the same and we are on day 6 and it still doesn't seem to be getting any better.

So my husband just called me saying his sister called saying she wants to come to her house ( with her entire house hold and there is 6 of them in total, which if they came they would expect me to cook for them all and clean up after all of them too and they won't leave until about 11pm at night that's 10 people including all of us)
I got very upset and was crying bevause I already feel so bad and it doesn't help the kids are ill too and they are still young (7&5) and running after round my husband too. So I got upset and told him he needs to call her back and tell her she can't come 1) because we are all quite unwell and our kids have been awake half the night coughing and like radiators with fevers and 2) bevause I'm not 100% at all and I can't be running around cooking and cleaning up after 9 other people today as it's already alot looking after the 4 of us as it is.
My husband got angry withe me and already said I can't because I've told he'd we are fine, but I've told him she can't come today and he shouldn't have told his sister and the rest of the family they can come over.
He's been angry and shouting at me saying I'm disrespectful etc
Who is being unreasonable here?

[Alondra]

Disregard your husband, he's an arsehole.

Pick up the phone, call your SIL and tell her "We are all sick and you can't come. If she tries to object, say "we are really sick, apologies we can't spend time together now but we''ll see each other soon when we are all well.

No one in your circumstances will receive visitors. If your husband kicks off, say "Im sick, I'm going to vomit" and take off. Don't engage with him.

You do what you need to do for yourself and your kids in the quiet of your own home.

[Kissingfrogs25]

Your problems are much larger than your SIL's visit, you have married a man with not a shred of empathy or compassion and I can't imagine how you manage to live with a man that is so disrespectful.

[MrsMoastyToasty]

Text her. "Just tested positive for covid. Feeling crappie. Wouldn't want your tribe to get it- it's awful. I hope you understand ".

Who's to know any different?

[Emotionalsupportviper]

s your DH has invited them, he can do all the chasing around. You can stay in bed and be cosseted (I suggest you get a small but piercing bell to ring when you need a cup of tea etc.).

[katepilar]

@Derbee

If they come, STAY IN BED. Let him deal with it all.

He’s a dick, but I don’t understand why women set their bar so low, and marry these idiots?

There's no need to go into that now!
Its often because they dont behave like idiots before they are married and have a family.

[TenoringBehind]

Phone her up and explain clearly why she can’t come (can’t believe she’d want to!),
if that doesn’t work then take to your bed and refuse to come out (and hatch a plan to leave this idiot).

[ReneBumsWombats]

What background context is there that might make your husband and his family think this is OK? Because it really isn't.

[Beautiful3]

Honestly I'd call her and explain that you're all still not feeling well , and will ring to rearrange.

[FennelAndOnions]

Is your DH always this much of a knob?

[NoSquirrels]

I’m glad he’s told her no. But he’s behaved like an absolute arsehole in general. Does he usually expect you to do as he says, when he says it, and dance attendance on everyone?

I’d arrange to be out next time his family require hosting - he can do it.

I hope you feel better soon

[NoSquirrels]

it doesn't help the kids are ill too and they are still young (7&5) and running after round my husband too

Stop running after him for starters. Suggest you go to bed and let him deal with the kids today.

[HotWashCycle]

He shouts that YOU are being disrespectful? What kind of hypocrite is he? To not consult you is just unacceptable. Is there a cultural issue here to do with him being entitled and his family pushing boundaries?

[Alondra]

@Unknown455

For everyone asking, yes she knows we are all ill.
She text me just on Thursday when I was in bed all day asking if I needed anything and wanted her to bring any food for us, so I can't understand myself why she wants to come round with her family and risk getting ill, but that's what they seem to be like in their family, it's not the first time as they have come round to our house before when they've been ill and not cared and made us all ill so they seem to really like sharing germs.
If I knew someone was ill I'd be staying away and at the least wanting to keep my kids away from it.

After crying down the phone to my husband he has ( not happily) told her not come over and he isn't happy about it but I have told him it's his own fault as I'm his wife and he knows we are all ill and he should have atleast told his sister I will talk to my wife first and let you know not just say to her yeah it's fine like he doesn't care about me.

Your husband like many males, prefer an easy life and do their best to stay in everyones good books and out of trouble.

Mom says she's cooking a lamb rack while his wife is a vegetarian? Not a problem

Brother wants to kick ball with the kids even if his own son hates ball? Not a problem.

Sister and her 6 member family wants to come when you are all sick? Not a problem

What's a problem for him is YOU making an issue even if you are fucking dying.

I'm really happy this problem has been resolved, next time, pull your pants up with a GRRR dog face, in front of him and say "They are not coming". 😉

[Yesthatismychildsigh]

So he would
1, let them all come over
2, expect you to do all the cooking and cleaning up
3 shouts at you and calls you disrespectful.
He sounds fucking awful. Why are you with this vile piece of work? You do know you and your kids deserve better, don’t you.

[FennelAndOnions]

Why are you running around after him?

[Aprilx]

I just don’t understand the world in which your husband inviting people over means you have to cook and clean up after them. Just say no I won’t be doing that, I will be in bed or on the sofa.

[LookItsMeAgain]

@whatstheteamarie

Message her directly and say "thank you so much for offering to come over and look after the kids and cook for us all while I rest. As I'm sure DH told you I feel absolutely dreadful and there's no food in the house so you'll need to bring whatever you need.
It's a shame I won't see you as I'll be in bed attempting to recover and I don't want to pass on my germs, hopefully the kids won't give you what they have either."

Take yourself to bed and leave them to it.

This is definitely one way to deal with it.

Another is to take the situation out of your DH's hands and text your SiL saying something like
"So sorry about this. Dh has just told me of your phone call. Unless you want to run the risk of getting whatever bug has left the 4 of us completely floored, bedridden and vomiting, I really would urge you to stay away for this weekend. I'll get DH to give you a shout when we're over whatever bug we got. Believe me when I say I wouldn't wish whatever bug this is on my worst enemy. Talk again soon".

[Unknown455]

@Aprilx

I just don’t understand the world in which your husband inviting people over means you have to cook and clean up after them. Just say no I won’t be doing that, I will be in bed or on the sofa.

Because my husband and his family are Pakistani, it's just how it works unfortunately

[Dragonskin]

@NoSquirrels

it doesn't help the kids are ill too and they are still young (7&5) and running after round my husband too

Stop running after him for starters. Suggest you go to bed and let him deal with the kids today.

Absolutely, he's clearly feeling well enough to have visitors so looking after the kids shouldn't be a problem

[newtb]

And you married this prince among men because?

[LookItsMeAgain]

@Unknown455

Because my husband and his family are Pakistani, it's just how it works unfortunately

Perhaps it can become a new way of how things work where you live?? Just because you or your family are Pakistani doesn't automatically equal they will be uncaring and unfeeling and run roughshod over your needs.

He could have saved face (if this is what it's about where the man in the family must save face) by simply saying that you're all not over whatever bug you got and it's not something he would want his extended family to possibly pick up and pass along to others. She's sure to understand that much, right? He will be back in touch when everyone is well again.

I just don't get the blokes that I've been reading about on MN recently - the one organising the party to be held in his house when his wife would be 9 months pregnant at the time and the invites had gone out from his parents, and now this.
Genuine question - what sort of men do this??? Repeatedly do this? Have they never heard the word NO being told to them as they grew up????

[CarefreeMe]

Your husband sounds like a massive dick!

Even if you weren’t ill he should have checked it was ok with you first as you could have made plans already.

If this happens again tell him you’ve already got plans today and so you’ll be out all day, so he’ll have to sort them out.

Just because you’re Pakistani doesn’t mean you have to put up with being treated like shit.

[Jasmineblossom24]

@EstellaRijnveld

I'd contact my sister in law and say that you are all ill and you wouldn't want to spoil her half term in case they catch it. I'd be pissed off if I turned up to your house and found you all ill. It is disrespectful on your dh's part not to mention the illness.

This ⬆️ text the sister in law because I’m sure your DH didn’t mention the bug you guys have. OP, your husband is living on a cloud if he thinks now is the right time to host! I hope you feel better soon

[Alondra]

@Unknown455

Because my husband and his family are Pakistani, it's just how it works unfortunately

It's not how it works but you guys are in serious conflict if you can't talk and agree to common sense decisions like cancelling your SIL and her family visiting when you are sick.

I don't have the experience to give you advice when you are married to a Pakistani.

[Toomanysleepycats]

May I suggest for your future happiness you begin a very slow and gradual change in your relationship dynamics.

I too was wife who did all. One time my husband was having a rugby watching weekend with 3 of his mates. He asked me to make up three lots of beds. I asked if he could get them to bring their own duvets and pillows and I would make up bottom sheets. He told me I was being lazy and it would only take a few minutes. I suggested he did it himself if it would take so little time. He obviously asked them to bring their own bedding.

Since then, I have been working towards him being responsible for his own friends and relatives. He now does his own families Xmas card, presents and birthdays. Makes the beds and cook meals for them if he has arranged the visit. If they are joint friends or our own family, I still do it all solo.

I wish I had done this years and years ago. He used to make so much work for me with his careless bonhomie and generosity towards practically strangers and I was always expected to to take up the slack, sort and clear up after an ‘impromptu’ gathering of his own making.

We are now divorcing and his dismissal of the value of my time and effort versus his is only part of it.

I warn you that if things are unfair in this way it will only lead to resentment in the future.