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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - school related

139 replies

Flothecat · 15/10/2022 11:49

I've only got one DD, just turned 5, at Reception. She is a very compliant child, very social, had made a few friends since starting school, is a little bit more advanced with Phonics and maths compared with what they are doing at school and generally very happy.

However, she likes being her behaviour or her 'work' being recognised. It's something I've only recently realised. For instance they do 'star of the day' thing at school and she was one of the last to get it. There were kids with challenging behaviours (we know them from nursery) who got it much earlier (because they weren't so bad on that particular day) and DD was always coming home telling me why she is not getting it as she thinks she's always good.

When she finally got it, teachers told me it was very well deserved as she's always 'pretty starry', their exact words. It motivated her so much, she couldn't wait to go back to school.

Now I see other kids with all sorts of stickers, 'head of the day', 'great job' and so on, again some of the kids who are actually quite disruptive and challenging. DD told me this morning she thinks she's not good enough and that the teachers never notice her when she does something good. I'm not happy that she feels this way.

I had parents evening meeting 2 days ago and the teacher told me how wonderful, kind and well behaved she is, she ways has a positive attitude about all the activities they are doing and could not tell me anything negative. I asked her if there is anything we need to work on and she said keep doing what are you doing as it's working.

AIBU to ask how are other schools with kids that are consistently good? Do they get any recognition? I understand that the school needs to bring everyone up but I feel like in this class the disruptive kids get a lot more attention.

OP posts:
sandytooth · 15/10/2022 11:52

Tale as old as time I'm afraid. Its shit.

LickThis · 15/10/2022 11:54

Sadly I think it's something your child is going to learn more resilience in
It happens all the way through

Original poster
Flothecat · 15/10/2022 11:55

sandytooth · 15/10/2022 11:52

Tale as old as time I'm afraid. Its shit.

Oh no, I grew up in a different country and this system is very foreign to me.

OP posts:
OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 15/10/2022 11:56

Yup - same here.

The boys in DD’s class used to get rewarded for not punching lumps out of each other. DD got nothing at all for behaving, but punished for taking a blob of blu-tak off the wall when she had finished her work early 🤷🏻‍♀️

illbeinthegarden · 15/10/2022 11:56

Welcome to primary school 🤷‍♀️ I have had 3 go through primary and it's just the way it is. Everyone gets a go at star of the week.

They have to focus on bringing those behind up to speed.

Encourage her not to put too much importance in that kinda stuff... hard at 5 though.

dementedpixie · 15/10/2022 11:58

At dcs school they used a gold award scheme so everyone who behaved well got a gold token and they could save them up and buy things from the reward cupboard.

Original poster
Flothecat · 15/10/2022 11:58

Oh no, how sad! How can I explain that to a 5 year old.

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 15/10/2022 11:58

My dd10 has ASD and gets sod all!! It would boost her confidence no end if she could get something. Just be thankful your dd is doing well and makes friends easily mine doesn't and it's heartbreaking.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 15/10/2022 11:59

I think everyone knows that these rewards are for the less well behaved who have a not too bad day

My children all knew this after a short time at school and accepted that as the way of the school world

I'd be telling my child not to worry about it, good life lesson to not swet the small stuff

Original poster
Flothecat · 15/10/2022 11:59

lollipoprainbow · 15/10/2022 11:58

My dd10 has ASD and gets sod all!! It would boost her confidence no end if she could get something. Just be thankful your dd is doing well and makes friends easily mine doesn't and it's heartbreaking.

I'm sorry to hear that!

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 15/10/2022 11:59

They also get recognition with verbal compliments and praise, by being chosen to do responsible roles and tasks, with ticks and positive comments on their work.
The teacher might show their picture to the class as a good example. It is not all about stickers and certificates.

How many children are in the class? This half term has been six weeks so, if there's 30 in the class and 30 days, somebody is going to be 'last or almost last' to get Star of the Day.

My advice would be to teach your child that you don't get satisfaction or self-worth from external validation. I know she's little but if, when she mentions this, you respond with worry or concern then she will know that it's something to be worried or concerned about.

Finally, it is in the whole class's interests for the challenging children to be rewarded for positive behaviour. It is not 'treats for naughty kids' it is a tool to encourage the behaviour that everyone wants in the classroom.

sandytooth · 15/10/2022 12:00

I guess try and instil a sense of she does well for herself and at the end of the day she will hopefully have a successful career if she focuses on her education over fights

Sirzy · 15/10/2022 12:03

Surely when you where talking to the teacher that was the ideal time to raise the issue?

whyayepetal · 15/10/2022 12:04

@dementedpixie that sounds like an excellent scheme. I wish more would work like this to make sure that the children who are always on task, working hard, and quietly causing no problems don’t become the invisible group.

threegoodthings · 15/10/2022 12:05

If you think she's old enough and bright enough to understand, I would try to explain to her that it's a load of bollocks. It's a system set up to motivate and reward the ones who for whatever reason struggle with their behaviour. No it doesn't seem fair I know to a 5yo. Star of the week or whatever is on rotation and she'll get it eventually. Just try and help her understand that it's not important

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 15/10/2022 12:06

My DCs are at GCSE/A level age now and have always moaned about the same thing happening. As bright and well behaved kids they didn’t really get much recognition. All the little treats etc went to the poorly behaved kids for just “not hitting someone today”. It sucks.

But their rewards will come in adulthood when they are able to maintain a good job and relationships without needing a pat on the back for just getting through the day.

FWIW I had a relationship with a guy who was undoubtedly one of those “spirited children” at school and it showed in his entitled attitude and need for admiration etc. It’s not doing these kids any favours by singling them out for special treatment over and above the real achievers every time, it’s just giving them unreal expectations of life.

Original poster
Flothecat · 15/10/2022 12:07

Sirzy · 15/10/2022 12:03

Surely when you where talking to the teacher that was the ideal time to raise the issue?

I told the teacher how much it meant to DD to get her 'star of the day' badge, especially that she waited for so long for it. The teacher told me...well, I could easily have given it to her from the very beginning as she's always been doing great...then changed the subject. Of course, I didn't expect her to tell me that they prioritised the disruptive kids.

I will raise it again after half term and tell them how much it means to her to have her 'work' and behaviour recognised.

OP posts:
cultkid · 15/10/2022 12:09

I hate this about school
It really sucks

IhearyouClemFandango · 15/10/2022 12:09

Often because the way your daughter behaves is considered the expectation and not the exception

cultkid · 15/10/2022 12:10

I would start a reward jar with her at home and take her to the toy shop and tell her how proud we were

sandytooth · 15/10/2022 12:10

Flothecat · 15/10/2022 12:07

I told the teacher how much it meant to DD to get her 'star of the day' badge, especially that she waited for so long for it. The teacher told me...well, I could easily have given it to her from the very beginning as she's always been doing great...then changed the subject. Of course, I didn't expect her to tell me that they prioritised the disruptive kids.

I will raise it again after half term and tell them how much it means to her to have her 'work' and behaviour recognised.

Show quote history

Maybe she wanted your daughter to carry on working hard for it. If she'd got it first week she might have got complacent.

spanieleyes · 15/10/2022 12:11

We give out house points for everything from reading daily, completing homework, neat presentation, good sitting, being kind, being helpful and polite, the lot! The " good kids" do tend to collect more house points than the disruptive ones and they spend these in a " shop" at the end of each term.

MysteriousMonkey · 15/10/2022 12:11

I have four children. Two of them have been well behaved, constant high achievers at school. One is a bit challenging and one is quite challenging. Guess who got the most awards and stickers!

It is difficult to watch but I can understand why the more challenging children are more noticed, and then more rewarded to try and keep them on the right track. Is still so hard though when your child feels unnoticed. Maybe tell the teacher openly that your dd doesn't feel good enough and needs motivation through rewards.

amylou8 · 15/10/2022 12:13

I was your daughter. Compliant, well behaved, above average...just blended into the background at school, never told off but never praised either. Having had a SEN child who struggled daily at school I was lucky.

Newuser82 · 15/10/2022 12:14

Yes this happens all the time. It's so unfair. My son had exactly the same. Rarely any stickers, always late in the proceedings to a merit certificate. But at every parents evening we were told he was a model pupil, always kind and polite, good at his work.

During lockdown we got to see the weekly assemblies online so we saw the certificates get presented. It was always the more challenging kids who got them, the ones that weren't doing all of the online work (I know this as their parents were open about it. My son did every piece of work and attended all the online meetings. He used to cry every week about it.

I'd recommend speaking to the teacher to make them aware that it is an issue.