AIBU - school related

[Flothecat]

I've only got one DD, just turned 5, at Reception. She is a very compliant child, very social, had made a few friends since starting school, is a little bit more advanced with Phonics and maths compared with what they are doing at school and generally very happy.

However, she likes being her behaviour or her 'work' being recognised. It's something I've only recently realised. For instance they do 'star of the day' thing at school and she was one of the last to get it. There were kids with challenging behaviours (we know them from nursery) who got it much earlier (because they weren't so bad on that particular day) and DD was always coming home telling me why she is not getting it as she thinks she's always good.

When she finally got it, teachers told me it was very well deserved as she's always 'pretty starry', their exact words. It motivated her so much, she couldn't wait to go back to school.

Now I see other kids with all sorts of stickers, 'head of the day', 'great job' and so on, again some of the kids who are actually quite disruptive and challenging. DD told me this morning she thinks she's not good enough and that the teachers never notice her when she does something good. I'm not happy that she feels this way.

I had parents evening meeting 2 days ago and the teacher told me how wonderful, kind and well behaved she is, she ways has a positive attitude about all the activities they are doing and could not tell me anything negative. I asked her if there is anything we need to work on and she said keep doing what are you doing as it's working.

AIBU to ask how are other schools with kids that are consistently good? Do they get any recognition? I understand that the school needs to bring everyone up but I feel like in this class the disruptive kids get a lot more attention.

Don't.

As others have said there's many ways your DD is praised and rewarded. Only you can stop this becoming a bigger issue than it needs to be. Your DD isn't going to get star of the week every week. Even if the school change policy and decide the award should be absolute and not relative then there could still be 4/5/6 other high achieving kids that will win the award from time to time.

My ASD DS rarely received these awards. Maybe once a year if we were lucky. He didn't have behaviour issues, and excelled in certain subjects (maths etc) but he wasn't 'outstanding' in primary nor did he require a lot of extra incentive to behave properly. He was fairly middle of the road. So I do understand the lack of star sadness.

However, if you see it from another perspective: there's 30 children in your class (probably) and every one of them would like stars. If 3-4 of them are consistently the best at everything, those are the only children who would ever get stars. And while you might think hey that's great, my child is receiving all the stars she so rightly deserves, just think about how repeatedly gutting it is for all the fair-to-middling children in the class. (I'm choosing to disregard the ones who might just be getting stars because they managed to not set a bin on fire that day or whatever) The stars just turn into a boring assembly full of children who know they have no chance, clapping for those 4 other children ad infinitum.

Yep, nothings changed in over 30 years then.

I always had the naughty child sitting next to my in class who would repeatedly punch my arm or expose his genitals to me.

We give three certificates a week. I make sure it goes to those who deserve it and everyone gets at least one a year usually two.

I also do a good to be green sticker weekly where everyone who has been on green all week gets a sticker in their home reading book for parents to see.

I also do a reward jar which earns a reward for the whole class.

It does work but it do have to make sure everything is a fair system and the children know that.

I have a Dd with learning needs - quite far behind academically but at the same time she's very well behaved and compliant at school so therefore goes under the radar a bit. There is a few children with challenging behaviours in the class.

on the other hand, I have a DS who is autistic with high needs - but again not badly behaved at school but he did get a lot of recognition. It really spurred him on. Some things that are a small thing for many children are huge for him - for instance he got an individual special certificate for taking part in sports day - it was his first ever successful sports day. You don't know what's going on with other children.

at my kids school every child gets a turn at star of the week, in fact there's usually a few each week that get it. They all get house points too.

I am not sure what the point of my reply is, but there is huge benefits of praising children with sen, but of course it's important for all children too. But having a child with sen in mainstream school can be a stressful time.

I can see both sides tbh.

I don’t think the whole reward system ect works in the long term, it ends up with adults constantly seeking validation from others. You just need her to feel proud of her achievements herself, even when she gets a sticker it’s important to ask how doing well makes her feel, is she proud of herself ect. Reiterate the fact that stickers don’t mean anything and she should be proud of the effort she puts in a school

I really think if you were raising a child with lots of challenges (which is what you are mostly describing, despite people saying ‘challenging children’) you would have a different take on this. Perhaps a more humane one.
I’m raising both kinds of kids, and 100% with people above saying don’t let your daughter pick up on your feelings about this. Teach her to find her own sense of self and validation. And… dare I say it, learn that lesson yourself?

I prefer the system where kids work together for a big reward. Like getting a marble for a well written piece of work or good/kind behaviour which you put in the jar. And then have a class party or some other treat when the jar is full.

And I say this as a mum to a child who’s started reception this year and has never come across sticker rewards as we never did this, he’s had a couple but hasn’t been fussed I just keep pointing out how well hes doing with his learning and all the effort he’s putting in himself which he should feel proud about!

Everyone gets star of the day, roughly in order so she will get it about every 6 weeks.

In terms of explaining it to her, I'd tell her that the teacher is trying to recognise improvement not outcome. The same as how when a friend who started school with no number knowledge counts to 10 for the first time, that is a big achievement, but her counting to 10 isn't because she's been able to do that for years.

By the same token, if the 'disruptive' kid who finds it difficult to sit still/follow instructions (probably due to undiagnosed sen) manages to sit nicely through carpet time, that is a big achievement, and probably took them a lot of effort, whereas you kid is in the fortunate position of already being able to do that.

I don’t think the whole reward system ect works in the long term, it ends up with adults constantly seeking validation from others. You just need her to feel proud of her achievements herself, even when she gets a sticker it’s important to ask how doing well makes her feel, is she proud of herself ect. Reiterate the fact that stickers don’t mean anything and she should be proud of the effort she puts in a school

Yes. Intrinsic motivation is much better than extrinsic - teaching children to value learning and positive interactions for their own inherent enjoyment rather than for stickers.

However, from a teacher's point of view, they need to manage difficult children's behaviour in the short term so that they can get them to learn, and so that they can teach the class with minimal disruption. Praise and rewards for good behaviour are sometimes the best way of achieving that.

It would be lovely to always be able to consider what kind of adult you are helping to create in the future, but teachers can only work within the environment, policies and time constraints which exist in school.

Some children only get praise at school, at home they are ignored, constantly criticised or much worse. I have a bright, compliant, hard-working child who tends to fly under the radar but I have no issue with her Teachers prioritising DC who don't have as many advantages in life as she does. I make sure she gets lots of praise at home.

I do agree with this, however, how do people expect teachers to manage a class of 30 children with differing needs and behaviours?

This is before we teach the curriculum might I add.

Is she not getting verbal praise or written comments on her work? I think the most important form of praise comes from family.

This was DD too, she's head girl now so her time came. But in reception she once explained to me, rather perceptively, that star of the week was for the people who found it hard to be good but had managed it a bit better this week. She finally got it in the final week and the little certificate with it said she could have had it any week of the year and well done for being patient. It bothered DS more though when he started and it took him ages to be chosen. But I think it must be hard for teachers to find ways of motivating children with more challenges so I try remind myself it's a good problem to have.

Same. Two DS both now 14 and 17 and they were always excellent at school as people and academically. Always the awards were given to those that had behaved less badly. Always. Very frustrating.

It shouldn't be that way but unfortunately in a lot of schools, it is. To some extent, it can't be helped because those challenging children really do need that extra input to help them learn to behave better. There should be efforts made to make all the children feel recognised for their achievements though so it's not so obvious to them that the difficult children may be getting more. I do remember my DS aged 4 coming home and telling me he'd worked out that to be put on the gold cloud he needed to be naughty first and then good!

When I was TA in a class with a particularly challenging child that the other children perceived as being rewarded despite being bad, the teacher I thought explained it very well to them. She told them that some children need extra help with their maths, some need it for reading, some for writing or spelling and some children need extra help with their behaviour. Just as you wouldn't resent a child getting extra support in maths if they need it, you shouldn't resent a child getting extra support with their behaviour. The children understood and accepted that then.

The other thing to remember is that children don't behave badly in a vacuum. Behaviour is communication. They are behaving that way because they are struggling with something. It could be that they have a terrible home life, or it could be they have SEN (diagnosed or not), as a parent you just see the behaviour, and the staff will have a good understanding of why that behaviour is happening and why jumping on and rewarding any good thing they do is really important. If a child has a really difficult life already, repeatedly punishing them for behaviour they may not be able to help really isn't fair or helpful.

It's worth talking to your DD about it all, obviously in child-friendly terms, to help her understand why the teachers reward those children. It does sound like they could do more to reward the always-good children as well though.

My youngest school is the same. It's shit.

It's always the same kids getting rewarded even though they are pretty naughty kids. My son is really good, does his work happily and always get top marks yet no praise what so ever.

However when he does the tiniest thing wrong or naughty I get called into school immediately! 😤 no wonder he's playing up when he sees the same naughty kids constantly getting rewarded.

i don’t expect teachers to have to adapt at all, I totally understand how this helps you with 30 odd children and wouldn’t expect you to change it at all. My point was what we can do at home for our children to help them. Please don’t think putting teachers down!

It's the way of school sadly. Ds6 is well behaved and always works hard, he's learned to be patient over star of the week because he is always one of the last to get it as he can be relied on to behave. He's even said that so and so got it because they were good for a whole day and the like and is quite relaxed about it. They have a system now where they get points for good things that they've done in school and he likes that better as you have to earn them instead of taking turns. It is really hard when they're little but they do work out the system fast.

What are you unhappy about? Your daughter is doing well both socially and academically and the teacher recognises it. There are 30 children with different needs, yet you want a constant praise for your child. It’s impossible. I have a child like yours. I’m focusing on keeping him self motivated and to not rely to a permanent validation from outside.

@Iknowforsure1 agreed, OP is very lucky. So many children struggle academically and socially my dd included, I really don't see what there is to get so het up about.

This was DS too.

Now he's at secondary though he's finally able to shine. Good work is recognised for being good work. Children who work hard are rewarded with enrichment and extension activities.

DS found primary frustrating at times, but there were a lot of children at his school with additional needs or from difficult homes. We just kept encouraging him and letting him know we were proud of him at our end - something the children with the stars and stickers often didn't get.

Yep, my DD (Y2) was upset she never got to go ‘over the rainbow’ like the more challenging children (most of the class). I raised it at parents’ evening. The teacher apologised, said she didn’t realise my well-behaved DD ‘needed motivating’.

DD subsequently ‘went over’ twice the next week and finally got a prize 🙄

So you complained to the teacher that she never got 'over the rainbow', the teacher took what you said on board and acted accordingly and then you come on being sarcastic about it.

Teachers can never win.