AIBU - school related

[Flothecat]

I've only got one DD, just turned 5, at Reception. She is a very compliant child, very social, had made a few friends since starting school, is a little bit more advanced with Phonics and maths compared with what they are doing at school and generally very happy.

However, she likes being her behaviour or her 'work' being recognised. It's something I've only recently realised. For instance they do 'star of the day' thing at school and she was one of the last to get it. There were kids with challenging behaviours (we know them from nursery) who got it much earlier (because they weren't so bad on that particular day) and DD was always coming home telling me why she is not getting it as she thinks she's always good.

When she finally got it, teachers told me it was very well deserved as she's always 'pretty starry', their exact words. It motivated her so much, she couldn't wait to go back to school.

Now I see other kids with all sorts of stickers, 'head of the day', 'great job' and so on, again some of the kids who are actually quite disruptive and challenging. DD told me this morning she thinks she's not good enough and that the teachers never notice her when she does something good. I'm not happy that she feels this way.

I had parents evening meeting 2 days ago and the teacher told me how wonderful, kind and well behaved she is, she ways has a positive attitude about all the activities they are doing and could not tell me anything negative. I asked her if there is anything we need to work on and she said keep doing what are you doing as it's working.

AIBU to ask how are other schools with kids that are consistently good? Do they get any recognition? I understand that the school needs to bring everyone up but I feel like in this class the disruptive kids get a lot more attention.

The system is definitely used more to reward children who struggle or who are outstandingly bright than to motivate solid and non problematic children. Unfortunately it is easy for these middle group to feel (and genuinely be) overlooked, and I wish this wasn't the case.

However we are midway through October and the OP's daughter has already been given star of the day, which seems fair enough given the number of actual school days reception class has even had. It sounds like the teacher is making sure nobody waits too long.

I'm so sorry. This really upsets me.
I guess this is just the start for us.

Yep. DS1 is an incredibly well behaved, polite and conscientious child. DS2 less so. Guess who has more merit certificates two years running?

Teach her to validate herself. And you can praise her of course. The rewards for working hard and being well behaved will come to her in time, and be worth far more than cute certificates now.

The nursery my dd went to had a system where they each had a sticker card and when they got to 10 stickers they won a prize. The problem was that nursery staff only chose 3 stickers to give out each day. Dd was the same as yours, well behaved etc. The stickers inevitably went to children who were new or challenging to encourage them. Poor dd would come home in floods of tears as she stuck at 4 stickers on her chart for the whole school year. I worked in the same school which made things so awkward.
Twice dd asked me to come into school with her and read her the rules on the wall and explain them because she assumed she must not understand them properly. It was very upsetting.
She occasionally gets frustrated by similar systems now but is able to understand that they're generally not worth worrying about,
Your poor dd will eventually realise that the system is rubbish and she needs to find another way of knowing she's doing ok.

Yep, my (mostly) well-behaved, bright, quiet boy has commented for the last two years that he feels 'invisible' at school. He's not naughty enough to need the 'encouragement for the basics' recognition and not bolshy enough to push himself forward for class jobs. And because he holds his disappointment inside and doesn't make a fuss, they don't feel like they need to make the effort with him.

I'm very much looking forward to secondary with individual-level discipline and reward rather than class-based 'star of the week' shite.

His 6yo brother has already sussed the system.

It’s so annoying and unfair. My entire school career and that of my children too. As a PP says, it reaps its rewards later in life with good jobs, a decent work ethic and so on. However, when you’re a little dot and everyone who’s naughty appears to be given a certificate or a star or a sticker for just turning up and you’ve done all your reading and got 10/10 on your spelling and maths tests and you get sweet FA, it does start to grate.
I read something on here once about a mum who was overheard telling her child that she ‘didn’t need external validation’. I think I might try that on my older one, might take the sting away a little bit.

We’ve had parents evening this week and I helped out at school - all the staff I came across said how DS is practically perfect ‘gorgeous boy’ ‘star helper’ ‘so friendly’ and doesn’t need to work on any areas. I know I sound braggy, but if they’re all saying it it must be the case. He is year 3 and has NEVER had a special sticker, the class bear etc. He had the reading trophy once and a PE certificate once. I think they give these resources out to those who really need it etc, but my DS does try hard all the time for no recognition other than verbal. I think that’s just the way it is. Just the same as when I was at school really.

especially that she waited for so long for it.

School has just started, how has she waited long at all?

It sounds like you're making this into a big deal.

This.

The well-behaved, bright kids need something to strive for. Not everything comes easy to every child. At the very least there could be a lesson in patience and applauding the success of others. Tricky at 5 years old though, I agree.

This is the worst. I was a good child, well behaved and generally one of the 'top of the class' students. But I went to an inner city comp in a bad area (I lived in the area too) and time after time the badly behaved kids were rewarded for not being AS BAD that day.

It got ridiculous when one of them was invited to a football camp with the local pro team and I, being a huge fan of the team and playing on the school team, did not. My mum went to speak to the head and I'm not sure the outcome but nothing really changed.

I'm just telling you this to let you know that it doesn't change when you're in school and may need to prep her for that. But now in life I am doing so much better than those who were rewarded for not hitting a teacher that day or whatever.

DS1 is very very middle ground. Average/good behaviour, average at maths, average at English, good at sport. He never ever got any rewards or anything.

His incredibly naughty classmate was forever winning 'star of the week' or 'compassionate citizen award', or gold stars or whatever. DS couldn't understand and found it hard.

In the end I had to have the conversation with DS that these stars and awards are bribes. They are given to the naughty and under-achieving kids when they finally behave for 5 seconds or don't score zero on a test, in the hope it will encourage them to repeat the behaviour. I explained the teachers use them when they are desperate and hope it will make a difference.

We discussed that the more awards you get, the naughtier and more under-achieving you are likely to be! So ... if you aren't getting any it means you are keeping your head down, working hard, behaving well. And because of that .. and because DS never got any awards, it meant an end of year trip from mum, to Alton towers!! 👍 As a well done for consistent hard work and good behaviour!

I’ve got one of each. One child who sailed through, behaved beautifully and rarely received much for it. And then one who has multiple learning difficulties, who has been known to sprint out of class screaming, and who rarely completes a piece of work.

My well behaved child complained bitterly how unfair it was and I agreed. Then number two came along and I can see the stress that just being in the classroom causes. Achieving even a quarter of the level of consistency of behaviour and work that child one managed without effort is a massive, massive strain. So when she does it she’s rewarded because it took a huge effort from her, even if her behaviour on surrounding days wasn’t great.

As a TA I am very aware of our ‘silent majority’ of well behaved kids but I am also aware of some of the struggles that our less well behaved ones go through to achieve something that others can do easily. We brainstormed this and have come up with two separate reward system to run alongside each other. One is a system of quietly gaining points which you then exchange for a prize. That’s not limited to a number of kids - you can all win prizes every week if your behaviour merits it. The good kids get loads of prizes, the less well behaved not as many. Then we have certificates handed out for specific achievements- that tends to be rewarding the one good action done by a struggling child. It seems to work as everyone is validated.

Your clever, well behaved child is going to get plenty of recognition, don't worry about it.
School is going to be easy for her!
Everyone will get a turn at being 'star of the week'.

Are you really cross that you perceived children who are struggling with school are getting more attention?

If it's really important to you that your DD comes out of school with stickers on her jumper, then tell the teacher that. You probably won't mind giving her a few.
Maybe provide a few sheets of stickers for the class so the teacher isn't having to spend her own money.

It's not hard to recognise individual children whether always 'good' or not always 'disruptive'

My kids schools have always managed and any teacher with half a brain cell should be able to do this.

Your dd probably gets lots of praise and recognition throughout the day. E.g oh well done you got all your spelling right. thank you so much for tidying up. You are really helpful. Some other kids do not get that as their day is full of problems and strife. The upshot is that all parents want their kids rewarded. Your dd got her badge. She didnt get it first but so what? If she got it too frequently what would it mean? If only the always lovely children got it what would the kids who struggle say to their parents? You have a happy well adjusted child who is doing well. Her teacher told you she is always starry. Pass that compliment on and stop moaning.

She was the 25th child to get it in a class of 27 children. They started this thing around the 6 or 7 Sept.

Its always happened, its to encourage the more challenging ones to show the behaviour they expect.
Kids realise very quickly how it works. If you complain your dd will immediately get an award then be left for another 6 months.
We taught ds early on to not take it personally, he knew his behaviour and work was good and by the time they got to "achievement points" at high school he really wasn't fussed how many he got. Even at HS the tutor said they give more out to kids who go a lesson without disrupting it than the actual kids who are always polite and well behaved/helpful

That's not really the point. The point is that it's important to her daughter. And it is unfair that other kids are getting the stickers etc and some are left out. They are 5. These things are important to them.

If they give it out to everybody, then somebody has to be last.

I think you need to unclench a little. Everybody is telling you on here that this is universal. If you can start to see it as unimportant, then you can frame it like that for your DD too and she'll believe you. You're just going to feed into her upset and disappointment otherwise.

Yes this is definitely an issue, the problem children do suck out the oxygen and energy.

I countered it by having our own system of rewards at home - every time she got 10/10 for spellings we would work towards a small gift or treat at the end of the week, I would make her favourite dinner, swing her around and make the biggest fuss as would dh. Everything she handled well, like a school bully or a comforting a friend that was sad - we made it our job to be her biggest cheerleaders, and she cared less about the school input and had her needs met at home. We would share her achievements with her GPs (not the wider world or anything) and they would do the same. We promoted a really positive and supportive home life, and somehow school didn't matter as much.

Now she is just about to become an adult I have realised this decision went far deeper than countering the school system, she now comes to us with everything, good and bad, she has a very close bond with us and she definitely sees her home life as her 'harbour' which has proved invaluable over the teens years. It was an unexpected consequence that was very helpful.

In our school, you get a reward if you deserve it and I'm glad it's done this way.

I haven't voted because I think it's both. It's perfectly reasonable to raise that the lack of recognition is affecting your daughter. It's also worth recognising that those rewards are more important and useful to those children who are more extrinsically motivated. Your child is obviously more intrinsically motivated, but it's still important for her teacher to know that she needs those physical rewards too.

As a junior school teacher, I completely get where you are coming from!

I reward the disruptive kids more.

I hate it. But when a child begins to show disruptive behaviour, I'm told to set up a sticker chart with rewards.

Yep, it's shit. Kids who keep their heads down, try hard and cause no trouble but also aren't the ones to 'shine', as in, aren't extroverted or popular are constantly overlooked too.
Get the kids who are bloody nightmares for three quarters of the year but try hard for the week before house captains are chosen, guess who are picked because they've made a real effort to turn their behaviour around!