AIBU - school related

[Flothecat]

I've only got one DD, just turned 5, at Reception. She is a very compliant child, very social, had made a few friends since starting school, is a little bit more advanced with Phonics and maths compared with what they are doing at school and generally very happy.

However, she likes being her behaviour or her 'work' being recognised. It's something I've only recently realised. For instance they do 'star of the day' thing at school and she was one of the last to get it. There were kids with challenging behaviours (we know them from nursery) who got it much earlier (because they weren't so bad on that particular day) and DD was always coming home telling me why she is not getting it as she thinks she's always good.

When she finally got it, teachers told me it was very well deserved as she's always 'pretty starry', their exact words. It motivated her so much, she couldn't wait to go back to school.

Now I see other kids with all sorts of stickers, 'head of the day', 'great job' and so on, again some of the kids who are actually quite disruptive and challenging. DD told me this morning she thinks she's not good enough and that the teachers never notice her when she does something good. I'm not happy that she feels this way.

I had parents evening meeting 2 days ago and the teacher told me how wonderful, kind and well behaved she is, she ways has a positive attitude about all the activities they are doing and could not tell me anything negative. I asked her if there is anything we need to work on and she said keep doing what are you doing as it's working.

AIBU to ask how are other schools with kids that are consistently good? Do they get any recognition? I understand that the school needs to bring everyone up but I feel like in this class the disruptive kids get a lot more attention.

Sorry to be harsh, but I think you need to take a breath and look at what you are actually saying. You have a lovely home life, a fantastic kid, she has a tonne of advantages. Someone has to get the sticker/award later - are you saying it would be better if that was the kids with SEN or those with unstable home lives, or those who are really struggling to get off the ground with reading? They have got bigger problems than you have. They too would be upset not to get the sticker.

If your biggest challenge is your well-behaved, high achieving kid not getting stickers as quickly as she would like, then thank your lucky stars - tell her she is ace and awesome and you love her (and that life isn’t about stars). Then move on!

Perhaps ask her what feels better- winning star of the day or getting all of her spellings right or all of her maths questions right. Or maybe her story read out. Some students will never get that.

We never made a big fuss about these stickers. Whenever she came home and said she wasn't star of the day again DH said 'it doesn't matter, we know you are doing really well and you'll always be the star of the day in this house'.

But it's not only this, there are apparently other types of rewards 'super phonics', 'super helper' and so on which she never seems to get. She is very good with her phonics, she reads already at a basic level. The teacher told me she read a few words for them yet she never got any praise for it as I guess it's beyond what they are 'supposed' to do at this stage?

I totally agree on intrinsic motivation. We will be working on that. But it's hard for a 5 year old going to school seeing all these stickers flying around and not feeling like they are not good enough, she's said that several times since she started school.

I have absolutely no issue with kids who are struggling getting 'rewards', I think a more balanced approach where the good kids get recognition as well as the ones who struggle would work better.

I hate to break it to you but the teacher keeps a spreadsheet to everyone gets a turn, and just thinks of a reason then and there. The disruptive kids deserve to feel special too. TBH I’d teach your DD a little humility. Before long she will be 8/9 years old and whereas in reception kids are friends with everyone, by that age they tend to pick friends based on their qualities. And nobody likes a show off.

@Lindtnotlint well said

Both my younger two get this they are very clever well behaved kids. DD is 6 and YR 1. I just say to mine that often rewards are for improved behaviour and work and theirs cant get any better which just means they are the best to start with. They will get used to it.

How do you know that she never gets any praise though @Flothecat? You aren't there. It's very possible that she gets a pretty good diet of "Well dones".

I think sometimes the children who find life/behaviour difficult do end up with more "rewards" in Primary. But for those children life can often be tough and miserable. They may have quite traumatic home lives that negatively influence their behaviour, or SEN that makes life hard to navigate. I always told my children not to feel envious or cross if other children (who often behaved poorly) seemed to get more stickers or praise, because life was probably really tough for them. I know it's hard for a little one to understand that, but tell her what the teacher said about her, and keep telling her how proud you are of her. That, and her loving home life, will be far more important and will have much more lasting impact than a sticker or a certificate. For another child, that sticker might be the only positive thing that will happen to them that day.

Thing is, it’s the effort that should be rewarded not the results. Growth mindset.
A child with lots of challenges puts in massive amount of effort just to sit on the carpet - they get rewarded for that as they have out in the most effort.
Just be pleased that your child can get through the school day without too much difficulty.

At our school it really isn't the struggling kids who get rewarded. It's the good, able, competent ones repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly. The ones already able, confident, successful and motivated. Handwriting "licences", school council places, star of week, lunchtime awards, sport stars, Mr So-and-So's award - same kids, same families week after week.

I have a child who is well-behaved and not disruptive, but with additional needs and therefore struggles academically, rarely shows "initiative" as in own world a lot of the time. Never recognised or rewarded for anything, even things that took considerably more effort to achieve compared with NT children, many of whom are up at the front of assembly every other week.

I understand how you feel, both my children are overlooked - my other child is more capable and no SN (that we are aware of) but falls into the "ignored middle" too and it's frustrating, but it's far easier than watching your child fail (and in our case we've no "consolation prizes" either). Your blessing will be watching your child succeed. I do agree teachers should boost all children's confidence, though, and should make her feel valued.

Absolutely this! I'm in the classroom. I give praise and responsibility to those who are missed out. Unfortunately I'm so tied up with that child who needs extra support. I'm well aware your child doesn't recieve the boost they need. Speak to the ta/teacher. You can also reward for how they do at school at home.

She told me twice today, very randomly, that the teachers never notice her when she does something good. And that other children get all these 'massive stickers' ..which I have seen myself 🤷‍♀️. It's not something she ever brought up before starting school.

And today wasn't the first time she told me she isn't good enough.

Rightly or wrongly, our school used to have a system which took minutes of 'golden time' away from children who displayed 'unwanted behaviours'. This was the last hour on a Friday and a child could lose up to 30 mins. Golden time could be chosen - so a child could chose which staff member they wanted to spend their golden time with (different events like football, netball, line dancing, art, computers, games, Lego etc.).

I was the staff member who got to supervise all the children who had lost their golden time and could release them to their chosen class when their 'minus' time was up. I was very fond of my little band of 'regulars' and forged a lot of very positive relationships with a lot of lovely characters over the years.

I don't think we were supposed to have fun but we did (don't tell the headteacher). (Used to play Eyes Down, Thumbs Up.)

We also issued 'chance cards' as a reward for good behaviours spotted in and around school. These cards were put into a hat and 6 children were chosen to sit at a special table at lunchtime for a week. You could almost guarantee that those children would be the least well behaved in the school. None of my own children ever got to sit at the special table. (Table cloth and fruit juice, instead of water.)

All my own children complained of this occurrence though when they were in primary school - apparently rewarding the least well behaved, whilst the studious, quiet children were left to get on with it without encouragement (just because that's what they do).

I used to do star of the week - there were often 32 children in class and 39 weeks in the school year - some lucky children actually got to be star more than once

I don't know what the answer is - it appears there are some flaws in every reward/consequence system at primary level.

"She told me twice today, very randomly, that the teachers never notice her when she does something good. And that other children get all these 'massive stickers' ..which I have seen myself 🤷‍♀️. It's not something she ever brought up before starting school."

Just be careful about this. There are always some whiny kinds who, no matter how many pats on the head you give them, simply can't bear to see anyone else getting praise.

You tell someone their picture is lovely and this child goes 'but what about mine, mines lovely too isn't it, is mine good?'

You praise someone for getting 8/10 in spellings and this child is going 'but I got teeeen, what about me?'

It's like when they say they had no one to play with at playtime but you were outside with them and know for sure that they were only on their own for ten seconds.

Honestly, you've got 13 years of education ahead of you. Pick your battles, focus on what's important and remember that 5 year old children are not the most reliable when telling a story.