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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - school related

139 replies

Flothecat · 15/10/2022 11:49

I've only got one DD, just turned 5, at Reception. She is a very compliant child, very social, had made a few friends since starting school, is a little bit more advanced with Phonics and maths compared with what they are doing at school and generally very happy.

However, she likes being her behaviour or her 'work' being recognised. It's something I've only recently realised. For instance they do 'star of the day' thing at school and she was one of the last to get it. There were kids with challenging behaviours (we know them from nursery) who got it much earlier (because they weren't so bad on that particular day) and DD was always coming home telling me why she is not getting it as she thinks she's always good.

When she finally got it, teachers told me it was very well deserved as she's always 'pretty starry', their exact words. It motivated her so much, she couldn't wait to go back to school.

Now I see other kids with all sorts of stickers, 'head of the day', 'great job' and so on, again some of the kids who are actually quite disruptive and challenging. DD told me this morning she thinks she's not good enough and that the teachers never notice her when she does something good. I'm not happy that she feels this way.

I had parents evening meeting 2 days ago and the teacher told me how wonderful, kind and well behaved she is, she ways has a positive attitude about all the activities they are doing and could not tell me anything negative. I asked her if there is anything we need to work on and she said keep doing what are you doing as it's working.

AIBU to ask how are other schools with kids that are consistently good? Do they get any recognition? I understand that the school needs to bring everyone up but I feel like in this class the disruptive kids get a lot more attention.

OP posts:
TheHoover · 15/10/2022 12:51

OP I am in exactly the same position with DD and could have written your post myself.

But I am happy with the school and quite pleased that they are knocking some of the expectancy of approbation that my DD has. She does less well in her after school sports and has started complaining that she doesn’t like the instructors that pick her up on stuff she is doing wrong but gets short shrift from us.

Indulging a need for constant praise and recognition is encouraging snowflake tendencies IMO

leccybill · 15/10/2022 12:54

My DD just played the long game, hardly a single sticker or certificate to be seen through years R to 5 but she won 'Outstanding contribution to school life' at the end of Y6, a huge trophy and big speech about her.
That taught her a few things.
Now in Y8 and always sat next to the naughtiest child. I complain frequently!

OoooohMatron · 15/10/2022 12:54

YANBU. 'Problem' kids get rewarded for being less of a little shit than usual, whereas kids like your DD get sod all because they're easy for the teachers and go under the radar. The thing that infuriates me most though, is whole class punishments. No, you punish the one misbehaving, not everyone.
.

Theroad · 15/10/2022 12:57

It was ever thus! The "naughtier" children do take up more energy and attention - because they need it I suppose. I can see how this would demotivate your DD. My eldest DD is similar to yours. She's in her second year of school now and already the awards hold no value to her because "they just give them to everybody mummy" she's realised it's just an "everybody gets a turn regardless" system so it no longer holds any sway over her. She's still very good/conscientious at school and I just try to impart that working hard at school will reward her with options in life regardless of how other people are doing/how many awards are given so for now she's still happy anyway! I reward her at home for effort/improvement when she reaches new milestones of learning.

I think the teachers are sort of stuck here as what's the alternative? The child that probably most needs praise never gets it? That won't help anyone either.

OoooohMatron · 15/10/2022 12:59

Flothecat · 15/10/2022 11:58

Oh no, how sad! How can I explain that to a 5 year old.

You can't really, just rest assured that in a couple of years she will realised for herself

namechange3394 · 15/10/2022 13:01

The trouble with things like star of the week/day is that if you are going to do them, you have to make sure everyone gets a turn. And therefore you have to give them to the naughty kids whenever they have a day when they've done something vaguely good. You can't leave a kid who generally isn't well behaved to get it 27th out of 27 because she/he might be a total shit that day and then you have to give it to someone else twice before they get to have it. Hence the "good" kids get left til last, because they can be relied upon to behave.

You're right OP it's unfair, but unfortunately it's very normal. I much prefer points systems like some PPs have mentioned. Having an award that only one person can have at a time causes issues like this.

Splodgerbodgerbadger · 15/10/2022 13:07

Yes my daughter is now in year 6 and she’s felt like this all through primary school. She’s quite cynical about it now but she has been doing more round school this year, she was picked as sports ambassador and for a netball tournament and as one of some of the children showing prospective parents round the school for open evening. I said to her she is now being picked for these as her ‘reward’ for being well behaved and reliable all through school and it hasn’t gone unnoticed.

YellowTreeHouse · 15/10/2022 13:11

It’s always the same. Always has been. The naughty kids get praised because wow they did something right once or they weren’t as bad as they usually are 🙄

switswoo81 · 15/10/2022 13:14

Can't believe a school would actually do a star of the day, what a pointless exercise. They figure out pretty quickly everyone gets it. I don't do any awards at that age. Good behavior should be expected.

YellowTreeHouse · 15/10/2022 13:14

@namechange3394 No, sorry, don’t agree. Why should everyone get a turn? It’s just not necessary.

If the naughty kids are naughty then they should keep missing out. Perhaps if they behave they might get it and actually earn it on merit.

PassThePringles · 15/10/2022 13:16

My child was the same as yours. He felt invisible because he was always OK to be left to get on with the work and do it to a high standard while the other, more disruptive children were highly praised. It broke his spirit and he stopped doing his best because in his words 'what's the point'.

Talking to the teacher got us nowhere, apparently positive reinforcement is needed for the other kids, even at the expense of the better behaved, more academic kids. Dc is in high school now and has lost all interest in doing his best, every week the high achievers are the same ones who 'finally' behaved or did some work. It's an absolute shame.

Theroad · 15/10/2022 13:19

If the naughty kids are naughty then they should keep missing out. Perhaps if they behave they might get it and actually earn it on merit.

Maybe at secondary but not in reception surely? that's a fairly simplistic view and assumes all child arrive from the same starting point. Most children are good and want to be good, but many will not have had the best home life. Bad behaviour will undoubtedly have a root cause. Leaving a child like that out from age 4 will not make them improve. It will cause more damage and is quite cruel.

I think award systems like this are bullshit in general, but if you're going to do them then every child should be rewarded for some sort of improvement when they're so young and impressionable.

madnessitellyou · 15/10/2022 13:27

Dd went three years without getting a good behavior award. Three years. I eventually asked the school if I should be concerned about her behaviour.

It's all crap and I hate it.

I'm a secondary teacher and when I reward kids it's because they deserve it. If that's the same child four lessons running then that's the way it is!

Original poster
Flothecat · 15/10/2022 13:39

PassThePringles · 15/10/2022 13:16

My child was the same as yours. He felt invisible because he was always OK to be left to get on with the work and do it to a high standard while the other, more disruptive children were highly praised. It broke his spirit and he stopped doing his best because in his words 'what's the point'.

Talking to the teacher got us nowhere, apparently positive reinforcement is needed for the other kids, even at the expense of the better behaved, more academic kids. Dc is in high school now and has lost all interest in doing his best, every week the high achievers are the same ones who 'finally' behaved or did some work. It's an absolute shame.

I'm so sorry to hear that! That is terrible.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 15/10/2022 13:41

Labelling children as 'good' or 'naughty' in reception seems a bit much really. Some 4/5 year olds are compliant and good at following the rules, some find this very difficult indeed. They are all very young and, for some of them, it may be their first experience of being in a more structured environment. And they all have different personalities and energy levels.

I would just tell your DD that some children find the things she finds easy very, very hard and need extra help from the teacher to achieve these things. And so the teacher gives them awards and recognition to encourage them to keep going, because that way your DD's classroom is a nicer, more peaceful place for everyone to learn in. But that doesn't mean that she's not a star or that her teacher doesn't think she's doing really well - it just means that she doesn't 'need' the rewards in the same way that other children do though of course it's nice to have them. And take her out for a big treat over half-term as a reward for having such a good start to school.

OchreDandelion · 15/10/2022 13:47

Agree with Goldbar, remember that the calmer / happier / more purposeful the classroom, the better it is for everyone in the class. Whenever my children fell foul of systems like this, that is what I reminded them of.

BellaCiao1 · 15/10/2022 13:53

From a teacher's perspective, I think Star of the Day/Week is a load of crap and is not given on merit, when you work from a tick sheet to ensure everyone gets it, what is the point?

I operate a house points system in my class and frequently award the well behaved, hard working kids with points for good behaviour and setting excellent examples. The 'naughty kids' as you phrase them, get points if they comply and show a marked improvement in behaviour/listening/work etc.

It's worth remembering that there are also SEN kids in every class who may be referred to as 'naughty' I reward them if they can go a lesson without shouting out/focusing on a task for 10 minutes etc. Things like this are massive achievements for these children and often can form part of their PLP.

Teachers cannot win, parents (and sometimes secondary teachers) have no idea at times the vast array of needs we deal with in Primary.

Hankunamatata · 15/10/2022 13:53

Teach self validation. I wish my parents had. I focus on mine having self approval and being proud of themselves - not replying on anyone else for self worth and approval

SeemsSoUnfair · 15/10/2022 14:00

ds rarely got the star of the day etc type awards, but was happy enough with the glowing feedback from parents evenings and even at 5 they are old enough to understand these are used as a tool to support children who do need extra help and motivation.

These types of things will continue for their whole school career. It is your job OP to reduce the "value" of the star of the day award in her and also your own eyes. Increase the "value" of both the teachers parents evening feedback and your own feedback on how she is doing.

PugInTheHouse · 15/10/2022 14:03

Honestly this never bloody changes throughout school. I had a compliant academic child, always the last to be rewarded as his behaviour was always good and he always worked hard, the kids who behaved badly but were better on a particular day got it.

DS2 has ASD and ADHD but isn't naughty, lacks concentration and also has a processing disorder. He never wins any awards, he has been at the school since he was 3 and is now 14, they have prize-giving every year, they give 3 prizes to each class (only 40ish in whole year group). I understand he won't win academic award but progress or all rounder is possible surely. This year a NT boy who punched DS in the head on 2 different occasions, choked another boy and also pushed someone into a wall splitting his head (then threatened him not to grass) plus was racist to another child, and that was just the incidents i know of during the last year, won the class all rounder award.

Pisses me right off, what sort of example does that set for the other children. My DS has learnt to have thick skin and says maybe he'll win an award for being the only child never to win an award!

Fairislefandango · 15/10/2022 14:04

It's a bit tough when they are little, but as they get a little bit older they need to have it explained to them in a simple way that their good attitude, hard work and social skills will bring their own massive rewards all through life. And that the fact that their motivation comes from within (and often from having supportive parents and a good upbringing) is already a huge advantage in life. Some children, for all sorts of reasons, need a lot of help to improve their behaviour and motivation and a lot of praise when they manage to do so.

I'm not saying bad behaviour should be rewarded, or that absolutely all badly-behaved kids have extenuating circumstances, but it's certainly worth remembering which kid you'd rather be. Managing the more difficult kids' behaviour, through praise and encouragement and not just through punishment, is also indirectly beneficial to the rest of the class.

Kimya · 15/10/2022 14:05

Same. My daughter is bright, consistently achieves and makes an effort but is rarely recognised. The only time she gets recognition is where it is in a sense "unavoidable" like when she won her class spelling bee. She hardly ever gets Star of the Week. She's currently got an arm in plaster and has just cracked on and even trained herself to write left handed and not so much as a "well done"

Wilkolampshade · 15/10/2022 14:08

Yeah. I had this at school 40 years ago, and both my daughters did too more recently. It's shit.
We're all pretty cynical about such systems now.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 15/10/2022 14:10

Mine has autism and and got it once in the whole of primary. Was heartbreaking but he was so proud that day.

Newuser82 · 15/10/2022 14:18

Kimya · 15/10/2022 14:05

Same. My daughter is bright, consistently achieves and makes an effort but is rarely recognised. The only time she gets recognition is where it is in a sense "unavoidable" like when she won her class spelling bee. She hardly ever gets Star of the Week. She's currently got an arm in plaster and has just cracked on and even trained herself to write left handed and not so much as a "well done"

That's brutal for her!

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