‘Your daughter is huge!’

[Foldinthecheese]

My DD is three, four in December. Like her older brothers, she is very tall, and sturdily built. She is not overweight by any measure, her weight is in proportion to her height, I can see her ribs and her doctor has not expressed any concerns. I mention all this because I know there’s a perception that people are deluded about the size of their children. I assure you I am not. I know my children are more solidly built than others, but medically all the numbers are fine.

Anyway, my DD recently started at a cooperative preschool where each week a parent is assigned to help in the classroom. While on a field trip last week (which all parents were required to attend) one of the other mums turned around and commented that she remembered my daughter from when she had helped in the classroom because ‘she is huge!’ I responded by saying that yes, she is very tall, but I’m annoyed that someone would think it appropriate to speak that way about a child in front of her. I don’t want my DD growing up feeling unhappy about her size and build (as I very much did) and I don’t think comments like that will instill confidence. Whenever people have said she is big or whatever I have always politely acknowledged that she is tall, but would I be unreasonable to ask them not to use that kind of language in front of her? I don’t want to create conflicts, but I don’t understand why anyone would think exclaiming about her size is a reasonable thing to do and I’d like to politely let them know that I’d rather they not do so, especially when they’ll have repeated contact with her over the year.

i was also a “big” child. You won’t be able to stop people making stupid comments. You’d make more of an impact teaching your daughter to be proud of her height and not to give a damn what anyone else says.

I’m a tall woman and have been described as ‘big’ in the past. I hate it and it makes me very self conscious. I’m not overweight but I am tall and broad. I have usually gently corrected them and say ‘tall not big’ but I wish someone had helped me be more assertive about it. I think you should tell people not to use that language, explain why and show your daughter that it’s ok to say this.

Actually I 100% agree. I think you are right to correct them and day she is tall for her age, but gently add that you avoid labels like "huge", "giant" or "massive".

My dd has an extremely tall friend who looks at least 4 years older than her actual age. She is the gentlest soul but you should see the looks of terror when she appears on the netball court, makes me chuckle every time.

It's a difficult one. I guess people don't say it as an insult. They are thinking huge like a giant is huge - in proportion, not fat.
Maybe the way to go to to get your child to be proud of the fact. Own it.

People say - 'she's big' when talking about my daughter. She isn't, but short people sometimes say that. I don't like it. I think it will stop when she gets older. I don't say anything.

You can't stop people commenting. I think it looks worse to your daughter to say something - like its a bad thing to have a bigger frame than average. She knows people aren't just referring to her height.

I agree with you. I think comments like that are rude and insensitive.

I like the way @MrsMinted worded it: gently add that you avoid labels like "huge", "giant" or "massive".

Also, want to add that there is nothing wrong with good communication. You shouldn’t feel afraid of speaking up. If other people can’t handle a gentle and honest response to their insensitive comments then that’s there problem.

I think it's right to correct them.
DH niece is like this she's 6 but wears 10 year old clothes as she's very tall but also broad but definitely not overweight.

You are going to have to teach her how to deal with it though especially in playparks. We have found that children especially assumed she was much older and would then tease her if she wasn't playing the same way as them. When we intervened and told the children that's not nice and she's only 6 the responses we got back including from their parents was in some cases very unpleasant.

Personally, I wouldn't correct someone unless they were being deliberately rude. I might model the language that I prefer in the same way you did - they say she's "huge" and you reply "yes, she is very tall isn't she?" I don't think it warrants correction if it's not deliberately insulting and not a horrendous word. I think we're all trying to tiptoe round language at the moment so I feel as if unnecessary corrections are just unhelpful.

And the reason I think it's unnecessary is that you can't protect your DD when you're not there. And she will 100% get comments like this said to her face. I think the best approach is to make her absolutely proud of her physique. I was very tall as a child and also had those comments. But I'm also broad-shouldered and quite powerful (even though I was very skinny as a child/teen!). So I really did bristle at those comments for a while.

But then my dad got a new girlfriend, who I really loved (who was around until I turned 21). She was extremely tall - over 6ft and she rocked her height, no fucks given. That kind of positive role model really turned my thinking around and made me feel quite good about my physique, in a way I hadn't done up until then. I think this is the way to deal with it.

My DD is built solidly. Her twin brother is as skinny as anything. DD doesn't have a spare pound on her anywhere, but she's got the same powerful build as me. I talk to her about how strong she is, and how lucky she is to have such an enviable, healthy build/body. I think it's all about building a foundation of self-confidence. That's the key.

I have two very tall children. They always have been. I have been fielding comments about their size for 14 years, even though they are both also very slim (ds, 14, is filling out a bit now).

My stock answer is "well you've met DH, and my dad was 6'4", we were never going to have small children".

How about responding.

“And your daughter is ugly, I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but as you’ve started with the personal remarks..”

I am 6ft 1 with a gloriously gorgeous 6ft 2in DD, you’d better not call her big in my hearing.
If someone says “Gosh, isn’t she tall?” Or something equally puerile, I always respond with
”Yes and it’s not even the most interesting thing about her!”

You don't need to be rude in response as has been suggested (as it doesn't sound like this person is intending to be offensive) but I think if you hear it said again it would be fair to ask that they don't say that kind of thing in front of your DD.

That sort of language, while not used with malice, can be quite problematic for a child.

I have had this with my children, my husband is 6ft 2 and I’m 5ft 11 so you know we aren’t going to have petit children.
The language to describe my son is always a bit more on the negative side, in my opinion, rather than tall, or beautiful long legs (admiration my daughter gets) it’s words like massive lad, bruiser, large, huge …I’ve always just said he is tall and healthy and happy. People then hear my tone and tend to adjust their words.
I don’t think it’s helpful to have compliments that focus on physical attributes anyway, we put a lot of emphasis on just being a good person, so I think my kids find it weird when people comment on their looks.

@Foldinthecheese

i am tall ( over 6ft) and broad and was teased when younger. If not ok to mention anyone’s physical appearance.

lucky I grew fab curves so that took attention and i always said I am 5ft 14, but know say it normally.

I was the tall one in school, and pretty solid. My younger sister, who had health issues as an infant and has a smaller frame, smaller head than me even now, was always referred to as "tiny" and me, "big" (often with the afterthought "and strong".

I have never been overweight or had an ED but it did affect me on some level. You never feel slim or svelte or feminine. It doesn't bother me as such now but it did before feminism got on my radar, and giving no fucks. But It is damaging.

Its a compliment for men to be "huge" - tank, brick shit house etc, but it's never a compliment for a female.

OP were you as offended when people commented on your son's size? People s

Wow, aggressive AF. Maybe not the best example for her to set to her kid, shoulld probably use a more mature approach 😫

would I be unreasonable to ask them not to use that kind of language in front of her?

YANBU. Stand up for your daughter.

Oops posted too early. People have the idea that girls and women should be petite so I wonder if that's why you're offended on her behalf. Commenting that she's not big but tall is ridiculous, tall is big! You'd be better off playing up to it for your dd so she thinks you're proud of her height rather than correcting people for a perceived slight (that may not have been meant). You'll make her feel ashamed!

"Yeah, she is, we're planning on having the first NBA star in the family!"

"Isn't it great?"

And please don't actually call another child ugly as suggested earlier as that would be an extremely county thing to do

People say this about my very tall DD too, who is actually quite thin. She’s only 5 so it still in the zone of being thrilled at being the tallest in the class etc, but I do wish comments on children’s appearance wasn’t the first thing people would leap to. By secondary school I was ashamed of being so tall and standing out and really just wished they’d shut the fuck up about it.

*cunty damn autocorrect

I wish people had recognised DD was huge instead of seeing her as a much older child and implying she was lazy (push chair) or not very bright (couldn't talk).

We've had years of this with our eldest. It's wearing. I tend to counter it by responding "yes she's beautiful and tall, what a lucky girl eh?" or "I know, isn't she lucky having such long legs" or some other positive comment about her body. Would rather not have to be constantly commenting on her body but it feels like the best way to deal with it without causing further discomfort and embarrassment to DD. She's still in KS1 but she knows that it's rude and unacceptable to make uninvited comments about people's appearance so it's frustrating that she has to constantly deal with it from adults who should certainly know better.

People are rude AF and have big mouths. Same as when I was pregnant and each time would be told by at least 2 strangers every day how enormous I was 🙄 Lots of people have very poor manners and/or are a bit thick.

I get this about my son it’s really annoying, I don’t want him thinking he is “big” he’s definitely not overweight even though the bmi says so but he’s very tall for his age and myself and his father are really tall too. I got bullied all through school for being tall, I wish people would keep there comments to themselves but they won’t , your best of teaching her to love herself and not give a sh*t what other people think ! X

You try having a 6 footer who is literally good at everything, is up for As at Alevel, grade 8 music and the most incredible artist, but still thinks she is inadequate because she doesn’t fit into some societal picture of femininity.

See how mature you feel about it all?

And of course I wouldn’t call a child ugly.. but a personal remark is a personal remark!