‘Your daughter is huge!’

[Foldinthecheese]

My DD is three, four in December. Like her older brothers, she is very tall, and sturdily built. She is not overweight by any measure, her weight is in proportion to her height, I can see her ribs and her doctor has not expressed any concerns. I mention all this because I know there’s a perception that people are deluded about the size of their children. I assure you I am not. I know my children are more solidly built than others, but medically all the numbers are fine.

Anyway, my DD recently started at a cooperative preschool where each week a parent is assigned to help in the classroom. While on a field trip last week (which all parents were required to attend) one of the other mums turned around and commented that she remembered my daughter from when she had helped in the classroom because ‘she is huge!’ I responded by saying that yes, she is very tall, but I’m annoyed that someone would think it appropriate to speak that way about a child in front of her. I don’t want my DD growing up feeling unhappy about her size and build (as I very much did) and I don’t think comments like that will instill confidence. Whenever people have said she is big or whatever I have always politely acknowledged that she is tall, but would I be unreasonable to ask them not to use that kind of language in front of her? I don’t want to create conflicts, but I don’t understand why anyone would think exclaiming about her size is a reasonable thing to do and I’d like to politely let them know that I’d rather they not do so, especially when they’ll have repeated contact with her over the year.

Also, for the record, being ugly isn’t the worst thing in the world either. I have some facial disfigurement- it’s not a moral failing.

Right. So much of this thread is defensively supporting the idea that looks are what defines a person. It's like that Dove campaign for 'real beauty'. No. Stop 'redefining beauty'. Start questioning its value.

I think the way you changed the words in your reply was good. I was going to say try not associate these words with negativity around your daughter but see someone else's parents did that growing up and their daughter still grew up self conscious.

I wonder when words like "big" start having a negative slant. As a baby if you hear someone say "oh she's getting as big" it means she's growing and generally is met with excitement / happiness that the baby is thriving. At what age does that take a negative slant? This question has crossed my mind a lot since having a baby...

People are so thoughtless! I was always tall as a child, skinny but adults often commented on my ‘child bearing hips’!
I have ended up shorter than average but interestingly until a teenager commented that I was short, when I was in my 50’s, I still believed I was tall! My family think this is hilarious as I’ve never reached the top shelves of anything.
My point is; comments stick with you even if unreasonable/unrealistic.
My response would be to divert the attention to another attribute when people comment. I’d say ‘not really’ and GLARE, then follow up with ‘I’ve her eyes/hair/how good she is at art/running’ or similar or of course just say ‘yes we’re a tall family, good breeding stock’ and smile brightly.

I love her eyes etc not I’ve her

You produced a strong sturdy child - sounds naff but I would be proud of that. Like you say she is not overweight so I wouldn’t get worked up about it and let her be proud of herself. Kids even out over the years. Some people are very slight and for them that is normal and may seem odd to see a tall child so they feel the need to comment.

Own it. Be proud of it. Tell them "yes we are very lucky". The days were girls were ònly worthy if petite and dainty are gone. Encourage your dd to love her tall, strong body. Find stuff for her to do where it's an advantage.

Supermodels are usually tall. I don't understand why people feel the need to comment about how big/tall)fat/pretty etc female is. It's really weird.

I’m kindof surprised by the responses on this one. I’m wondering is this about girls and self image? Do you feel the same issue if folk said it about your boys? I have unusually tall children but whenever people say ‘wow she’s big’ or whatever, I might say yes she’s tall but I haven’t ever found it offensive, people usually sound so impressed! My girls are proud of their height and mainly I think I need to prepare them that it won’t last as neither DH or I are particularly tall, and I just grew quickly and stopped at 13, I suspect they will be similar. Of course, say something if you feel your child is being affected but I suspect this is more about your feelings. I think you’d better serve your children by preparing them that people say all kind of nonsense things and that they are beautiful (I’m sure you are!).

I would politely say "yes she is tall for her age, but we avoid calling her huge or big".

Is the woman from a different country by any chance? I know that in certain countries, people are just more open about talking about things like this and it isn't meant to cause offence.

Regardless though, I agree that it is damaging to a child and I really hope your daughter didn't hear it.

I was "bigger" as a child and the comments that adults made had a huge effect on my confidence growing up.

my dd1 was off the graph for height etc

just say nicely

its probably best not to make personal remarks about the children as they may get a complex, especially if numerous people say the same thing

I'm 6ft and my husband is 6ft 4, everyone thinks our 11month old DD is older than she is and asks why she's not talking or walking, I also had it my whole life and its a difficult path, I currently say she's 'long and strong' if people say anything but I wonder how ill navigate as I get older.

As a 6'2 woman who was always topping growth charts and taller than teachers in primary school, I speak with good authority here...

You will never be able to control these comments from strangers throughout dd's life, no matter how hard you try. And having a conversation with this parent, even if you think it would be beneficial for DD to overhead so she knows you're in her corner, I think is drawing attention to the fact that there is something wrong with her size and that it's rude to point out. Please don't let your DD shrink into herself or feel shame; I'm sharing the below with you from my life experiences in the hope it will help!

My mother used to say things such as "don't listen to them" and "sticks and stones" etc and when I brought up comments from people or strangers about my height, she would tell me to not be silly and that there was nothing "wrong with me". Whilst she did her best, on reflection as an adult, this was entirely unhelpful because each comment struck a nerve with me and I had no way of being able to talk about it and validate my feelings properly. It also led to eating issues as a teenager when "you're huge" began getting muddled in my head as "you're obese" and I also now have kyphotic curvature of my upper spine because I've spent a lifetime hunching over and trying to minimize my size and the space I consume because I've internalised comments about being "too big" or "too tall" or too "something" my whole life.

Even as a university student, semi attractive and outgoing, I would have comments from men who on the whole were possibly trying to flirt by emphasizing my height as a feature, and it just made me wholly uncomfortable and historically has never been something I've felt I could embrace.

I so wish I could have been taught strategies to handle situations with confidence and to feel beautiful in my body. I am getting there as a 30 year old, but 30 years have already been wasted feeling ashamed of something I can't change and undoubtedly led to health issues. Reframing, I find, can be helpful. I.e. someone points out your daughter is huge or tall, you could say things like "I know, isn't it wonderful? She's always been advanced in many areas for her age and I guess in height too, I'm hoping she'll take after me and we can share a wardrobe" etc. Or as she's growing and becoming a teenager "yes she's certainly tall! I guess she meets the textbook definition of beauty even just by her height alone!" But keeping open dialogue with your daughter too so she knows she can approach you about it. If you yourself have ever experienced comments like these, share them with your daughter in an age appropriate way. Normalise that people will do these things and just because many people will do this in her life, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with this. It simply means it's a unique (highly coveted) trait. I think it's so important that children don't identify something about themselves and fixate on it as being a flaw, because it will stick and it will impact in later life too.

Ps, sorry that this mum said this. People suck! On the flip side, you never know, her children might not be flourishing in regard to height or weight and her comment came from a place of comparison and concern for her own kids - often people don't have a filter and it comes out wrong.

Hope this was useful! Happy to share a bank of witty comebacks that you daughter may find useful over the next 50 years 😂

My son is small (he's the second smallest in his year) and people comment on it all the time, which upsets him. People are thoughtless because to them they don't mean it in a bad way so don't realise how it makes the child feel.

I hope it doesn't negatively impact your daughter when she's older.

I don’t know what makes people think that commenting on children's bodies is ok, they wouldn’t call you massive in front of you would they. Drives me nuts

My DD is tall and very slim (146cm and 28kg which medically speaking is underweight). She’s always been the same. This is just her normal body shape and her paediatrician is happy with her progress. She constantly gets people commenting on how skinny she is, often total strangers. She’s almost 10 now and becoming more conscious of her body and appearance like many young girls and gets quite upset when people say this and asks me to tell them to stop which I do but tbh it doesn’t help much.

i try to reinforce the idea that she has a strong, fit, healthy body and that the shape of it isn’t important but in todays society I fear I’m fighting a losing battle

I had ‘isn’t she big!’ Constantly as a child/teen. I am 5 foot 11 now. The comments were almost always delivered in a negative way. I grew up feeling it was a really negative thing for a female to be taller than average, with males it’s very positive. For years I felt very conscious about the amount of space I took up. My height was discussed as some sort of personality trait, as if it was something I had control over.

I got such a lot of comments, my mum (5 foot 9 so not small) would simply reply with ‘yes, we don’t have wimps in our house!’

Agree with those saying stick up for her. If you won't, who will? And jf she observes that there is a way to politely and non combatativelly stand up for yourself then that's good for her to hear.

One of mine has unusual hair and would get comments when younger. We were mega positive about it and others followed our lead. We went too far and our other Dd who has the hair everyone in the world wants ended up in tears because she didn’t have the unusual hair too!

This also raises a good point- all the people who thoughtlessly feel like it's their business to comment on who's tall / small / shy etc, need to be told that it's not nice and not welcome. Maybe one experience of being corrected by another parent would make them think again and be more tactful.

It's not one way or the other.

There is something for standing up for your daughter AND teaching to stand up for herself. Teach her people are idiots and say stuff to just say something sometimes...

My mother went on about my height incessantly. She's quite small but my father -her exH who she was understandably bitter about was 6foot plus. I think my height both reminded her of him and reminded her of what she considered her own shortcomings, excuse the pun.

It was pretty toxic growing up with this narrative about how difficult it was to buy clothes and what a hugely disproportionate body I have. Which I don't! I'm 5,9 so nothing extraordinary!

Averagely sized people dont know how lucky they are! I'm under 5ft and it gets really tedious when young kids point out how small I am, or DC friends announce they are taller than me. (I know, I'm short, not unobservant!!)
If I meet new people I usually make a joke about my size first almost to protect myself from someone else commenting!

Yes it was insensitive for her to say that in front of your child and the word ‘huge’ in the context is somewhat insulting. She could have said she is big for her age which would have been more polite and less dramatic. I would havea word with her out of earshot of your daughter, perhaps after dropoff to let her know your concerns and ask that she doesnt make such comments in front of the children (not just your daughter as the other children may pick up on it). I would also mention your concern to the class teacher since parents are coming in to help.

i would never comment that a child or big or huge as I wouldn’t want people to think I was calling them fat! But I’ve always seen “tall” as a complement for children. To me it means they’re growing well, which is what all parents want really. My nearly 4 year old son has been called big (he’s not fat, but tall and sturdy like op’s dd) many times before and it’s nice to hear. I was small and skinny growing up and people used to go on about how tiny I was and ask if my mum was feeding me as a joke, and I hated it. I wonder if we sometimes feel more sensitive to girls being referred to as ‘big’ as we associate it with being overweight?

yes we have a tall one too but frankly she looks like a supermodel now - we no longer get the “ooh isn’t she tall” etc when they are stunning you get jealous silence from that type of person 😁

Gaslighting bollocks.

You are doggedly defending people making the choice to comment on children's bodies and appearance. It doesn't matter if they mean to be offensive or if it's an accurate descriptor; it's rude and inappropriate to make uninvited comments about the way someone looks. It's really baffling to me that someone could reach adulthood without learning this basic courtesy.

When a child is repeatedly told "wow you're big" on a regular basis, it makes them feel like they're not normal. Because that characteristic is apparently so unusual as to be deserving of constant attention from strangers. It makes them feel that all anybody notices about them is their size. That they are different to everybody else around them. Of course parents feel offended that people feel entitled to make our children feel like that! It's not because we're ashamed of our kids.

My best friend is like this, tall and stunning. Have to say that’s not her experience as I’ve observed it. People constantly commented on her height. We lived together for a while and spent loads of time together and it got very tedious!