‘Your daughter is huge!’

[Foldinthecheese]

My DD is three, four in December. Like her older brothers, she is very tall, and sturdily built. She is not overweight by any measure, her weight is in proportion to her height, I can see her ribs and her doctor has not expressed any concerns. I mention all this because I know there’s a perception that people are deluded about the size of their children. I assure you I am not. I know my children are more solidly built than others, but medically all the numbers are fine.

Anyway, my DD recently started at a cooperative preschool where each week a parent is assigned to help in the classroom. While on a field trip last week (which all parents were required to attend) one of the other mums turned around and commented that she remembered my daughter from when she had helped in the classroom because ‘she is huge!’ I responded by saying that yes, she is very tall, but I’m annoyed that someone would think it appropriate to speak that way about a child in front of her. I don’t want my DD growing up feeling unhappy about her size and build (as I very much did) and I don’t think comments like that will instill confidence. Whenever people have said she is big or whatever I have always politely acknowledged that she is tall, but would I be unreasonable to ask them not to use that kind of language in front of her? I don’t want to create conflicts, but I don’t understand why anyone would think exclaiming about her size is a reasonable thing to do and I’d like to politely let them know that I’d rather they not do so, especially when they’ll have repeated contact with her over the year.

Gosh, I didn’t expect a brush with fame (🤨) when I started this. Glad I’m no longer in the UK, nor do I know anyone who reads The Sun.

In response to some other posts:

I’m not delusional regarding her size. The numbers show she is not overweight. I found it very difficult when I was younger that I was taller and had a bigger build than other girls. I am desperate for my daughter to avoid those feelings. I cannot change her genetic structure, so I ensure she has a healthy relationship with food and plenty of exercise and activity. She speaks about herself and her abilities with lots of confidence, and I’m aiming to keep it that way.

I think it’s reasonable to feel that ‘huge’ is an unkind way to describe anyone, and I’ve always tried to make it clear to my children that we don’t make comments about other people’s bodies. I’m not looking for reasons to be offended, but ‘huge’ has pejorative connotations and most people don’t like it when someone says something negative about their child.

I think that, going forward, I’ll respond very positively to any other comments, and will just keep an eye on things with this other mum since it will be an ongoing relationship.

Tall is tall. Can’t be misconstrued..
large, Big, Huge etc can mean tall but can also mean FAT… These aren’t terms that should be used to describe anyone… whether they’re tall, broad, or not.
I’m forever having to tell my daughter that people mean tall… but it really upsets her and she regularly cries because she hates being ‘bigger’ than her friends. She loves being tall, but hates that she’s broad shouldered…it doesn’t matter how much I point out the benefits (being great at Netball/basketball… and a phenomenal swimmer.. the terminology people use has made her very insecure … it doesn’t matter how much I build her up…. Because ‘mums have to say that!’

And the lazy journalists are at it again: www.kidspot.com.au/news/another-parent-called-my-threeyearold-daughter-huge-at-preschool/news-story/d45f8faaa6a263ba1c86f4a263e441d7

Yup.. we have the same issues .. my 11 year old looks much older than 11…. She’s just started seniors and is struggling to settle and teachers and students ask her if she’s a new year 11 pupil…. She replies ‘no I’m year 7!’…
we went to Butlin’s in the summer and one of the security asked why she wasn’t wearing a band (on her arm) I replied I thought it was only adults, he said he thought she was 18! Was shocked when I said nope she’s 11!!
she LOVES that she’s now taller than me … (I’m not short at 5ft 7”).. but she hates being called big…. She burst into tears last night saying Grandpa had called her a ‘big girl’ and she needed to diet 😢

@Lessofallthisunpleasantness

i am sorry but that is utter nonsense
saying huge is very rude and insensitive

I know someone who had a small premature baby who remained small as he grew up, as a result any average sized child seems huge to his mum, including mine (on 50th centiles) and she's not afraid to point it out in their earshot.

I told her I'm teaching my children not to comment on other peoples appearance and she seems to have got the hint.

OMG that womans description made my blood boil.

It's not acceptable to be bitchy esp about children. You are 100% right for pulling her up. I was a 'big' child, ended up being 5'8" - average height of women my age is 5'3". I though still bought kids clothes into my 20's, lol!

Cant believe 21% of voters think you're unreasonable, but then the av IQ is 100....maybe this woman is only average IQ too, not that this gives her an excuse, it doesn't.

Another one I find works , is to say 'Sorry, can you repeat that ?' with a slight frown on my face .

I’ve had this with all of mine. All ten week’s premature. I get gosh is that a doll, then one of them moves or cries and commenter gets a shock at the ‘doll’ in the pram. Then eventually they catch up. Within three years mine went from the smallest in the class in reception to the tallest by year three. Age2-3 clothes to a 10/11 at now 8. My girls are now my height 5’ and we look odd together. I’m hoping they continue to grow and not stop at 5’ like I did aged 8. I’ve had comments all my adult life. Pocket sized, pint sized, pixie, midget, munchkin, etc. Two of mine have strawberry blonde hair. They get comments too. People say what they see without a filter or thinking about how it feels to the person being spoken to or about. I don’t think it’s meant nastily. But it still hurts.

Anyone volunteering at nursery, school whatever should have had some basic training around equities and, frankly, minding their mouth. Raise it with the setting. And simply reply along the lines of "Yes she is tall, from a tall family". Don't be rude in return.

@JaninaDuszejko so you insult people before they insult yours? Classy for your well fed, unstarved generations of middle class family.

How are random people supposed to know you come from well fed upper middle class families?

But funnily enough they get supersensitive if you point out overfed children are tall

Of course they do, as if you have a tall child, by saying that you are implying that all tall children are overfed. Big sometimes implies fat, so stop saying big if you don't want to offend people.

Whereas making a general comment about people having access to better food and nutrition than 100 years ago these days, it's a bit more of a stretch to say they are implying your child is undernourished because they are short and slim.

DD2 was 99th centile for length when she was born, has always followed that for height and now she's 5'9" at 13- entirely as predicted on the growth charts. It would be more unusual if she were <5 ft at this point. Unless you think I overfed her in the womb- unlikely as I was normal BMI before I got pregnant and put and entirely normal 2 stone on, for a 9lbs 2oz baby. And both DH and I were 8lb 12 oz babies, TBH I was more surprised when DD1 was only 8lbs.

@Potat0soup Commenting that she's not big but tall is ridiculous, tall is big!

As a tall person, this is wrong wrong wrong. They are not interchangeable words. Big has the implication of heavy, broad, stocky, overweight, etc. But you can be tall and very slim, tall and average build etc.

I don't mind being told "wow you're tall" cos I am. I'm not big.

My daughter is tall and strong and her 3 sons are to, most of the girls in her year at primary school were the same, they used to thrash the other schools at netball. Be proud we were.

Yes! Big does not equal tall. And it's damaging to hear.

'But funnily enough they get supersensitive if you point out overfed children are tall'^
^
If a child is over fed they're more likely to be overweight and not 'tall'. Being tall comes from your genes majorly.

Yeah, don't call tell people 'big'. That's not nice.

@Wheredoallthepensgo

exactly tall is not big.
not people should not comment atall

Whereas making a general comment about people having access to better food and nutrition than 100 years ago these days, it's a bit more of a stretch to say they are implying your child is undernourished because they are short and petite.

No, rude comment about how freakishly short my child is followed by 'of course my child is tall because they have such a good appetite' is replied to with the 'yes, overweight children are taller than they should be'. I only say it to people who are rude about being petite, not about random tall children (and we can all tell the difference between genetically children that are all limbs and those that are overweight and therefore tall).

I worry about this myself. My dd has just turned 12, and she is the same height as me...5ft11 ! She is I'm size 14 adults clothes and is probably slightly overweight but she exercises and tries her best . People do describe her as big, but usually they say, she's a gorgeous big lassie or beautiful big lassie...more because of the shock that she is so tall for her age but it never bothers her...she's grown to love the fact that her height makes her stand out now and also revels in the fact that she can look me straight in the face when she gives me cheek 😂

Great response.
A lot of the time people don't think and just say what they see.
If you think they are judging you or your dd I would follow the comment by giving them a slow look up and down

My best friend at school had the same name as me. I was 5'10 and she was 5'2. I was slim and she was overweight. We were known as big 'x' and little 'x' with me being big 'x'. I hated it. I would always correct people but it was like trying to stop the tide. It didn't help that my mum was only 5'3 and we would get comments like I can't believe you have such a big daughter. Unfortunately my mum is one of those women who love being 'little' and laps up any comments about her 'petite-ness'. I'm approaching 60 now and it still rankles.

Big = unfeminine/butch in my mind thanks to mum. I've tried really hard for my tall daughters to be proud and body confident but with limited success. None of them like being tall. How much of that is societal and how much is my failure I don't know.

“DD doesn't have a spare pound on her anywhere, but she's got the same powerful build as me. I talk to her about how strong she is, and how lucky she is to have such an enviable, healthy build/body. I think it's all about building a foundation of self-confidence. That's the key.”

Absolutely ALL of this ☝🏻

@SpidersAreShitheads 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

Agree with you OP its jarring, I think parents do it to try and justify the size of their kids. My boy was born smaller than average and one of my friends would always comment how much bigger her child was compared to him. Then I realised it was more about her insecurities than the size of my child, and he’s now measuring bang on average at 2 years old!