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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

‘Your daughter is huge!’

226 replies

Foldinthecheese · 15/10/2022 05:14

My DD is three, four in December. Like her older brothers, she is very tall, and sturdily built. She is not overweight by any measure, her weight is in proportion to her height, I can see her ribs and her doctor has not expressed any concerns. I mention all this because I know there’s a perception that people are deluded about the size of their children. I assure you I am not. I know my children are more solidly built than others, but medically all the numbers are fine.

Anyway, my DD recently started at a cooperative preschool where each week a parent is assigned to help in the classroom. While on a field trip last week (which all parents were required to attend) one of the other mums turned around and commented that she remembered my daughter from when she had helped in the classroom because ‘she is huge!’ I responded by saying that yes, she is very tall, but I’m annoyed that someone would think it appropriate to speak that way about a child in front of her. I don’t want my DD growing up feeling unhappy about her size and build (as I very much did) and I don’t think comments like that will instill confidence. Whenever people have said she is big or whatever I have always politely acknowledged that she is tall, but would I be unreasonable to ask them not to use that kind of language in front of her? I don’t want to create conflicts, but I don’t understand why anyone would think exclaiming about her size is a reasonable thing to do and I’d like to politely let them know that I’d rather they not do so, especially when they’ll have repeated contact with her over the year.

OP posts:
70billionthnamechange · 15/10/2022 07:20

@PortiasBiscuit well I defo wouldn't resort to calling another kid ugly. Terrible advice but no one is silly enough to actually do that im sure so all good

Rosehugger · 15/10/2022 07:21

I agree, OP. Tall etc ok, big, huge etc seems to imply a problem with weight when there isn't one.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 15/10/2022 07:24

We had this. Despite our positivity she grew up incredibly self conscious about her height. When they talk about boys in the same context its always strapping and strong, but somehow girls from the same gene pool are expected to be cute and delicate 🙄. My mil even said in front of her that she hoped she didn't get too tall.

PortiasBiscuit · 15/10/2022 07:26

I’m a littLe unclear on why calling a child “ugly” (which I have already said I obviously wouldn’t do) is meant to be so much more damaging than calling a child “big”.
For girls in our society the two terms seem to be synonymous

CrustyFlake · 15/10/2022 07:28

YANBU at all for being pissed off about it. Nobody should be saying that in front of your child. That woman should have known better.

However, I doubt you asking them to stop will really make any difference. If anything, it might make it seem like more of a "thing". Perhaps I am being a bit negative, but that's my honest opinion.

I would focus more on your own interactions with you daughter, and teaching her to be proud of her height. Help build up her confidence so that she doesn't give a shit when someone says she is huge.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 15/10/2022 07:28

As a woman over 6' I agree - it might not be meant as a straight insult but it sure as hell isn't a straight compliment either. It didn't bother me too much growing up as my mum was stridently positive about my height and never made me feel it was anything other than fabulous. That confidence ebbed away after she passed away unfortunately - I know I'm not some little svelte wispy thing but I hate the implication I can never be gentle or feminine.

Luckily my now DH is as relentless positive about my height as my DM was, and that (plus approaching 40) means I'm getting back some of the confidence of my youth! Still twisted up with anxiety about lots of other things mind you... 😁

Crazykatie · 15/10/2022 07:29

I’ve always been well built and was jealous of my slimmer sister, you can’t change the way you are and have to make the best of it. Today I eat like a rabbit to keep my weight down and still am 12 stone, I am healthier than most others at 63 so I take heart from that and luckier than a great many.

Potat0soup · 15/10/2022 07:29

Big is accurate. You're offended because YOU think girls = feminine and small.

Ugly is an opinion and an unnecessary one.

I am 5 '10. I used to be huuuuge but there's something in the water and the teenagers these days tower over me. I am not offended by people commenting that DD is tall or big She probably will be over 6ft when she stops growing. These things are accurate and I don't think that people mean any offence when t

Potat0soup · 15/10/2022 07:30

They say it.

StillNotWarm · 15/10/2022 07:30

Whilst it isn't the best language, I think it is just many people commenting, rather than being deliberately derogatory.

We had exactly the opposite "wow, isn't he tiny/skinny". It's equally annoying.

I think the response modeling the language you want is best.

Potat0soup · 15/10/2022 07:31

The second the OP starts behaving as those she's offended her DD will know her mother sees something shameful in her size.

Minimalme · 15/10/2022 07:32

People shouldn't comment. It's totally daft to point out physical characteristics which are obvious and even worse to add in a subjective description at the same time.

I would challenge them op. Calmly and factually. "She is taller than some other children her age. Some adults are taller than others too. You will cause offence if you describe people as 'huge'. Please don't."

I still have people describe my middle child as "very bright". They do it because his mental impairment makes them uncomfortable. I am proud of my son. I love him. He is as he was born to be. I correct them and say "He is, he has a low IQ".

BeetBoxer · 15/10/2022 07:34

Potat0soup · 15/10/2022 07:00

Oops posted too early. People have the idea that girls and women should be petite so I wonder if that's why you're offended on her behalf. Commenting that she's not big but tall is ridiculous, tall is big! You'd be better off playing up to it for your dd so she thinks you're proud of her height rather than correcting people for a perceived slight (that may not have been meant). You'll make her feel ashamed!

"Yeah, she is, we're planning on having the first NBA star in the family!"

"Isn't it great?"

And please don't actually call another child ugly as suggested earlier as that would be an extremely county thing to do

Totally agree with all this about it not being helpful to distinguish between tall and big. All that just plays into the big=ugly, appearance is king world view. Diverting the conversation as quickly as possible to something more interesting than commentary on appearance (especially when in public/groups) seems the best approach to me.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/10/2022 07:34

PortiasBiscuit · 15/10/2022 06:46

How about responding.

“And your daughter is ugly, I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but as you’ve started with the personal remarks..”

I am 6ft 1 with a gloriously gorgeous 6ft 2in DD, you’d better not call her big in my hearing.
If someone says “Gosh, isn’t she tall?” Or something equally puerile, I always respond with
”Yes and it’s not even the most interesting thing about her!”

🙄

Potat0soup · 15/10/2022 07:35

I would challenge them op. Calmly and factually. "She is taller than some other children her age. Some adults are taller than others too. You will cause offence if you describe people as 'huge'. Please don't."

Fuck sake. Don't do that. Don't tell DD that she's been insulted when she hasn't been. The hand wringing over being tall (or big) It's disgusting it really is. Girls are allowed to take up space

MargotChateau · 15/10/2022 07:38

I would agree with other posters here, tell people off who refer to her using unkind language and explain that kind of language had a negative impact on you growing up.

Agree with other posters on here saying to instill a sense of pride in your daughter for being tall, I have a feature that isn’t conventionally beautiful, but my mum used to say it was our defining feature, shared by Cleopatra, Roman sculptures, and 17th century art (and would point this feature out when she saw it on good looking people or in art etc), it made me proud and not self conscious or bothered when vanilla people commented on my feature.

Being tall is wonderful, I wish I was. My friends are all tall; as are my family, I’m quite jealous.

Midnights · 15/10/2022 07:42

Reading through PP posts it's bringing back so many memories!!

I was like your DD - never overweight as a child, but always "big" "huge" "massive" because I was so tall. I hit 6" in my teens and got the same comments. I'd spent my entire life thinking I'm not feminine or "good" as a girl, because I was always told I was too "big" by everyone, teachers, other students, relatives. I cringe remembering by school photo day when the photographer asked for the "big" girl to stand in the back row with the teachers. The language is pervasive.

Someone at work called me a "big" girl the other day, genuinely with no malice as he was just talking about height - but it brought back everything.

You're not wrong to correct them, but I'd just make sure your DD knows that it's okay to be big / tall / giant etc and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Tall isn't the issue, small minded people are! Switching my thinking about it has helped so much, now when someone says that I realise it's their issue thinking that girls shouldn't be 6" rather than me being tall!

mauveskies · 15/10/2022 07:42

Well, from what you've described, it is not an inaccurate statement. People often say things they should keep to themselves. Usually, they mean no ill.

Most children are able to notice if they are towering over their peers, so I expect she will figure it out for herself soon enough, or they may catch up to her.

KatherineJaneway · 15/10/2022 07:43

You should correct people. They should not be making such personal remarks. I was called 'stocky' as a kid, all I heard was 'fat'. Makes you feel like shit.

Tort · 15/10/2022 07:44

How about responding.“And your daughter is ugly, I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but as you’ve started with the personal remarks..”

This is so thick - all that would do is teach your daughter you think big is the same as ugly.

Also, for the record, being ugly isn’t the worst thing in the world either. I have some facial disfigurement- it’s not a moral failing.

jadedspark · 15/10/2022 07:48

I would just turn it into something positive. Yes, she will have lovely long legs! Or I know, she'll be lovely and tall.

She will get comments her whole life. You can't stop the comments but you can make her feel good about being tall.

AliceAbsolum · 15/10/2022 07:48

I'm nearly 6 foot and my whole life I've had people tell me how tall I am. As if I don't know! It's incredibly tedious. But what can you do.
Now I'm pregnant everyone comments on how small my bump is. As if that's a compliment. I'm having growth scans regularly because they're concerned about her weight, if I wasn't it would make me so anxious. Honestly why people consistently make these remarks I don't know.

Houndofthebaskethills · 15/10/2022 07:49

I agree. You say your sons are the same build. Were similar comments made to them and if so did you respond the same way?

Certainly ime these comments to boys can be just as upsetting to them. I have a tall son who gets told he’s huge and worries all the time he’s fat ( he’s not).

Justleaveitblankthen · 15/10/2022 07:51

I would look quizzically at her, as though it's a strange thing to say and respond: "Huge?.. Oh, did you mean tall?.. Well yes, she is tall, of course.." and end with a "bless" smile. Rude, insensitive people are everywhere and a dose of patronising is instant Karma.
Make her feel like the idiot that she is.

Topjoe19 · 15/10/2022 07:51

My DD is very tall, if anyone comments or says something about her being "big" I just respond with something positive like "yes isn't she gorgeous" or "yes she's beautiful". I find people will just comment, no matter what you do.