‘Your daughter is huge!’

[Foldinthecheese]

My DD is three, four in December. Like her older brothers, she is very tall, and sturdily built. She is not overweight by any measure, her weight is in proportion to her height, I can see her ribs and her doctor has not expressed any concerns. I mention all this because I know there’s a perception that people are deluded about the size of their children. I assure you I am not. I know my children are more solidly built than others, but medically all the numbers are fine.

Anyway, my DD recently started at a cooperative preschool where each week a parent is assigned to help in the classroom. While on a field trip last week (which all parents were required to attend) one of the other mums turned around and commented that she remembered my daughter from when she had helped in the classroom because ‘she is huge!’ I responded by saying that yes, she is very tall, but I’m annoyed that someone would think it appropriate to speak that way about a child in front of her. I don’t want my DD growing up feeling unhappy about her size and build (as I very much did) and I don’t think comments like that will instill confidence. Whenever people have said she is big or whatever I have always politely acknowledged that she is tall, but would I be unreasonable to ask them not to use that kind of language in front of her? I don’t want to create conflicts, but I don’t understand why anyone would think exclaiming about her size is a reasonable thing to do and I’d like to politely let them know that I’d rather they not do so, especially when they’ll have repeated contact with her over the year.

You're being very precious. Its perfectly normal and not remotely insulting or critical, for someone to describe a tall robust child as "a very big 4 yr old" or "huge for their age". If you are so
defensive and insecure about her body she will pick that up from you.

Welcome it; embrace it; big smile and reply proudly "Yes, she is lucky to have such a great physique" " be so strong and healthy " "a natural athlete".

I have this with my 11yo who is currently 5'6". She's always been tall for her age. I remember being in a supermarket and the checkout operator being very sneery with me as asking "And why isn't she at school?". My response was "Because she's 2. What's your point exactly?". I'm never anything other than unfailingly polite to those who serve me in shops but I wasn't having that!

It would appear that dd might have picked up a 'taller' gene from somewhere as she's quite a bit taller than me now and not far off DH. People used to look at me, the family shortarse, and start suggesting that there's no way she could be related.

In short (pardon the pun) OP, some people are stupid and rude.

People need to think before they talk. She was very insensitive. Ignore

👌

Some people are absolutely thoughtless in this regard and it's very hard to stop them from blurting out uncalled for comments especially in front of your child. You could try replying with "oh we try not to comment on other people's bodies as everyone is different" if your dd is with you- it might shut the conversation down without it looking to dd that you're having to defend her or like there's something wrong with her and hopefully would shame the other person into thinking about why they feel its acceptable to do so. Then if they continue I'd just repeat "as I've said that's not a conversation we're going to have with you." And change topic keeping it all light. I was really tall as a child and those types of comments definitely affected my confidence and I started to associate tall with being large with being fat even though I wasn't really. Your dd probably won't pick up yet but it's scary how quickly girls in particular become keenly aware of body image and how it affects confidence around the age of 7/8 so you're right to want to shut this down. You can also debrief with dd yourself later and explain the lady didn't understand why its important we don't talk about other people and how every body is prefect in its own way etc so you're reinforcing the positive and body neutral messages you want her to have which will help her navigate the comments you aren't around for.

My mum and sister are that height ! It is what it is!

Dd was "huge". Still is. Tall and stocky. 7 years of dance building muscle added to it.
She's 15 now. Still solid. 6ft tall. Stunning.

We had the reception and yr letters to say dd was morbidly obese. Nurse just laughed at us.

Raise an eyebrow
”Shes not huge, no. She’s tall. She takes after me…”
Hard stare at parent, enjoy ensuing squirm from them

Morbidly obese means 7 stone over a healthy weight! Surely at 5 years old she wasn’t that stocky!

*As with others my youngest is the tallest in the class and people use it as a conversation starter. Another mum overheard one day and afterwards said that she used to be fed up of people commenting on how small her child was (people used to say ‘she’s so tiny!’) and also people ask are my 7 year old and 10 year old twins as they’re the same height which the 10 year old used to get upset at. There’s some fantastic suggestions above on how to diffuse it/ talk to kids about it but yes, I wish people would just ask about their day/homework/ what they enjoy doing etc!!

I think ‘huge’ is a really odd word to use to describe a child . Sounds like the woman has no filter or possibly not English. People do say things like ‘you’re a big girl for 4’ but children tend to see that as complimentary.

People did refer to DS as skinny which didn’t bother him as a child but did as a young man.

Avoiding words like huge, fat, skinny, big, small because they’re perceived to be negative, just gives them more negative power. They are only adjectives. Just like slim, curvy, voluptuous, petite, willowy.
It’s the meaning behind the words that is important. If someone says your child is huge, with a sneering expression it’s one thing, if they say it as an observation, it’s another.
We can’t force or expect people to not comment on appearance. And beauty will always be prized. We just need to ensure that other attributes are also prized. Not deny that beauty can be an asset.
Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent there.

@CecilyP she was double the weight of some of her classmates. I think school letters were based on the NHS bmi calculator. She was definitely classed as obese on that.

I'm the same build but don't have the height. Dietician told me even though I was almost morbidly obese on the charts I was overweight/ obese in her eyes.

Huge is a strange word for a child but when dd used to walk into assembly with her class you couldn't miss her. We used tall round her but compared to classmates she was huge. Physically so much bigger.

@CecilyP she was double the weight of some of her classmates. I think school letters were based on the NHS bmi calculator. She was definitely classed as obese on that.

Yes that’s possible; DS only weighed 35 pounds at 5 and it surprised me he was on the 25th centile. But I don’t think the NHS calculator uses obese for children - just overweight.

I think correcting people is the wrong way to go about it, there's no offence meant and it's just a comment, of course people could keep comment about body shapes (or many other things) to themselves but that's not realistic, people will make all sorts of comments. I feel the best thing to do is empower your daughter to embrace her size with pride and avoid giving it a negative connotation.
It seems like you're putting a negative spin on something because of the way you feel, these don't sound like your daughter's feelings.
Your daughter is probably proud of being tall, and maybe she likes hearing people saying she's big? Does she even question it? Does she seem upset upon hearing it? Did she ask why people call her big frequently? Does she even notice?
Because children don't care much for shapes and sizes, adults are usually the ones focusing on it, getting offended etc.
Big as tall, why does big=fat? I think probably as a 4 years old she takes the word "big" with a positive connotation, but you may be projecting the experiences you had growing up on her.

My son always says he's growing bigger. He is🤷🏼‍♀️ He sees his baby brother chubby rolls and says "look at those muscles he's so strong".
I tell my sons they're growing big and strong and they're positive comments. Big isn't a bad word, it depends on how you take it. I doubt your daughter is actually taking offense? If I tell my son he's big, he doesn't feel offended.
It sounds like it upsets/worries you and you find the need to correct it.
I think correcting someone might make your daughter feel like something they said is wrong/upsetting, while she wouldn't even think twice about it.

Because being big isn't something to be ashamed of, and she should be taught to be proud of her size and that people come in all shapes and sizes and it really doesn't matter. Putting more focus on it than necessary just makes it worse in my opinion. I think correcting people won't solve anything, it's the way she takes the comments that matter, and when one day you won't be there to correct people anymore from those comments, it might make it worse.

People will always make comments, it's the way you respond to them that makes a difference. Teach her to be proud of her shape and the comments won't even bother her.

Wow, thanks for all your responses. I’m not in the UK, so wrote this and fell asleep! So many interesting thoughts and experiences.

To answer some questions:
Yes, it has always bothered me when people say my boys are big. They are twins, which always invited questions, and then people would find out how old they were and have all sorts to say. Because of the way school works here they are the youngest in their year, with some children being more than a year older. I guess that means they blend into the group a little more, so people don’t seem to comment quite as much now. My DD is the opposite, as one of the oldest in the year, so this will make her size more pronounced.

I do think this is entirely a problem with me. I hated being bigger than the other girls, and for a long time the boys! The girls I grew up with were praised for being small, dainty and feminine. I have always idealized a body that is exactly the opposite of mine. So far my DD and my DSes haven’t bought into that. The boys have recognized that they are tall, but don’t seem bothered. My DD tells me that she wants to grow big and strong, as well as telling me that she is beautiful and magnificent (which she is, of course!). I work really hard to never make negative comments about my body in front of them. I exercise a lot and we’ve talked about why that is. We eat a well-rounded diet and talk about what different foods do in the body.

I think I do need to de-stigmatize the word ‘big’ and just see it as an adjective, rather than a judgment.

I just say Yes, she's lovely and tall, isn't she? I wish I was!

For the most part, they'll agree and go yes me too.

It's is not your fault you felt this way.youve been brought up in a society that idolized thin.judges bodies.and is fat phobic and full of diet culture bullshit.
Your size is beautiful and yours.own it and love it.fit fat tall small overweight under or healthy or unhealthy it's all lovable.
We have put words and spun toxic shot into their definitions and it's awful.
I recommend you Alex light book you ate not a before picture and get on her Instagram too if you can.she is excellent posts and the book is life changing.

I went on my first diet at seven years old after a colleague of my father's commented that I was getting "chunky". (I wasn't—the photos of me at that time prove it). However, I developed very unhealthy relationships with food after that and by age 12 I was overweight (and have been now for most of my life).

This was despite my mother telling me repeatedly that I didn't need to go on a diet.

It's amazing what an offhand comment from a virtual stranger can do to a child's mind.

I guess people don't say it as an insult. They are thinking huge like a giant is huge - in proportion, not fat
This, the same way that petite doesn’t mean short it also means small in frame.

But YANBU to not want your DD to hear remarks about her body!

“She is huge!”
” Huge? 🤨 She is tall.”

2 v tall daughters here, born to over 6ft parents. I have just returned from a 5yr old bday party where I had 7 comments telling me she was huge for her age. Each person was politely corrected that she was not huge, but tall and that their comment was unnecessary. I think unless you have experienced a child that has a physical attribute constantly pointed out it is hard to understand. It is not fair on a young child to receive these comments endlessly, both my daughters are well aware they are tall. They don't need constant comments about it. I don't think a young child needs to build resilience from grown adults commenting, who really should know better.

I was always tall, very slim as a kid but more full figured as a tween/teenager, so not the very lanky runway model type. I’m 5’9 at 21 now so not even all that tall - but when I was 12 and in year 7 (middle school) I was the tallest child in the entire place and got comments on it all the time, including from friends, some of them not particularly nice.
I think it started my complex about my weight - I have always said that I was fat as a young teenager, and definitely remember being fat. But looking back at photos, I wasn’t!! Makes me very sad for my younger self.

Luckily now I absolutely love being tall.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through a life like that. And comments really do matter.
I hope your maybe more at peace with food and yourself now? It’s not your fault.society is fucked in terms of food and bodies. But that is not on you!

Yup.and I think it might be worse now.the obsession with thinness=better/healthier/right seems to be so prevalent.it’s toxic.and creating major major body image declines.and getting younger.and so easy for kids to have it ingrained into them by social media. But even people that should no better.