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AIBU?

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Original poster

to resent the implication that all men have/look at porn and therefore women should just accept that?

87 replies

wannaBe · 26/01/2008 23:04

so often have read "all men have/look at porn".

I absolutely 100% know that my dh does not look at, or possess any porn. He freely admits that he looked when he was a teenager but says it's very juvanile really and he has no need or desire to now that he's married.

I do realize that a lot of men do look, but I really do not believe that all men do.

and I resnet this implication that all men look at porn and that women should just accept that.

OP posts:
SnappyLaGore · 26/01/2008 23:30

wannabe, thats an innacurate extrapolation.

my dp is also pretty much my best friend. does that mean that if i were to confide in anyone else, or have a great night out with a friend, it would be a terrible betrayal? there is not neccessarily a finite amount of sexual energy per person per day. to think about fictional characters in a sexual context, does not constitute betrayal of the partner imo. if he thought about about actually doing it, thatd be different. but i just know from watching some myself that i really truly did not consider it, nor would i.

TurkeyLurkey · 26/01/2008 23:30

Sorry x posts.....

SnappyLaGore · 26/01/2008 23:32

yeah, me too ( xpost)

Original poster
wannaBe · 26/01/2008 23:32

but see this is my issue...

some men look at porn, of course they do. And some men don't.

and some women are comfortable with that, and some aren't.

What I resent is this implication that all men look at porn therefore it should be considered to be perfectly normal, and that women who don't like it are considered to be some kind of freaks for not wanting their dh's to be wanking over the images of other women.

OP posts:
SnappyLaGore · 26/01/2008 23:36

ah, well then i agree totally.

like i said, all 'all...' statements are bolleaux.

Fireflyfairy2 · 26/01/2008 23:36

"but the only reason why men look at porn is to gain sexual satisfaction surely? So if a man is in a loving, stable relationship, he should be getting the sexual satisfaction he needs at home, without needing to watch others having sex."

That statement is a tad narrowminded.

Sometimes, just sometimes, people (not only men) fancy something different... want to look at something different...

doesn't mean they are unsatisfied in their relationship or that the relationship is lacking in something.

Trolleydolly71 · 26/01/2008 23:37

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 26/01/2008 23:39

is it the porn or the "other" "women" that annoys you ..Interesting usage of "other" "women" terminology. they are inanimate photographic representations (most times enhanced and digitally remastered) but nonetheless inanimate photographic representations.if a relationship is solid and enduring what threat does porn pose?

TurkeyLurkey · 26/01/2008 23:42

I do agree those all statements are a right load of twaddle. I always wonder people where people who say those get their figures from.......

TurkeyLurkey · 26/01/2008 23:43

I was wondering that Scottishmummy...just cos I've watched Marathon Man doesn't mean I fancy going for a run IYSWIM.

KrippledKerryMum · 26/01/2008 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 26/01/2008 23:45

means he has a fecking pulse and libido

KrippledKerryMum · 26/01/2008 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minorityrules · 26/01/2008 23:56

"but the only reason why men look at porn is to gain sexual satisfaction surely? So if a man is in a loving, stable relationship, he should be getting the sexual satisfaction he needs at home, without needing to watch others having sex"

A large percentage of men like sexual satisfaction and usually a lot more than women. Even the most stable of relationships, I bet men want many more orgasms than they are getting (note orgasms, not sex) I don't like the implication that men only should want to use porn if the loving stable relationship is missing

I don't know why it is resented when ALL is used, that must mean you feel your partner is being lumped into something wrong. Some like some don't, it isn't saying anything bad about either group

IorekByrnison · 27/01/2008 00:00

There's an awful lot of background reading to be done on this subject

TheLadyEvenStar · 27/01/2008 00:59

lol dp and i look together, it can be quite amusing

VVVQV · 27/01/2008 01:35

I think it's far more complex than that. It's too late for me to get into it now though

Ineedacleaner · 27/01/2008 09:40

I thinkresenting it is a bit strong tbh.

I think it is normal for a man to look at porn and some couples do it together. I think some (NOT ALL) women who get upset about it might have some personal issues around their own self esteem.

I have had crushes -as an adult- on film/tv stars as do many women I mean how many threads are there on David Tennant does that mean I am missing something at home?? Hardly. So why is porn so different??

cory · 27/01/2008 12:16

I can see a couple of reasons why even women might reasonably feel upset about their other half watching porn:

you might worry about the airbrushed perfect body thing, if your partner watches a lot, will he compare these images with your own slightly weatherworn body (not saying I would, but some women might have reasonable grounds for concern)

(more importantly), a lot of porn (not all, but a lot) is actually built around the concepts of domination and humiliation- often but not always of the woman. I would feel very uncomfortable about my partner getting off on that sort of thing, I'd wonder what that said about him as a person and I would not feel any such tendency in him was something to be encouraged. It's not the same as having a crush on a nice-looking actress, which I would be quite ok with.

NKF · 27/01/2008 12:27

I agree with you Wannabe. It's probably inaccurate and implies that women should accept it, as if's just part of male psychology rather than a free choice.

NiftyNanny · 27/01/2008 12:43

I don't mind the use of porn, what I resent is the way it's acceptable for women to be thought of as sexually available objects that can be bought, picked up, put down....

if the man in question has no problem separating pictures to jerk off over from actual women-as-people in his head, all well and good. But how many people really think about the messages it sends out?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately cos of a group I got involved with protested at Playboy's Oxford St store (they sell kids stationery and bed linen, clothing, jewelery etc). I don't want kids growing up thinking women should be ...things made to gratify men. My goddaughter has been complaining about her appearance since she was 6. I don't think page 3 and porn really serve as a good role models.

So - no, you're not being unreasonable to resent the presence of porn and the implication that men are helpless in the face of their urges. I'd enourage people to work on relationships that include whatever kind of entertainment they see fit, but to be equal and respectful. I'm uncomfortable with porn because I feel it's demeaning and exploitative, not because it turns someone on! People find the weirdest things turn ons - shoes, for example.

I could NEVER resent shoes!

NiftyNanny · 27/01/2008 12:44

I don't mind the use of porn, what I resent is the way it's acceptable for women to be thought of as sexually available objects that can be bought, picked up, put down....

if the man in question has no problem separating pictures to jerk off over from actual women-as-people in his head, all well and good. But how many people really think about the messages it sends out?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately cos of a group I got involved with protested at Playboy's Oxford St store (they sell kids stationery and bed linen, clothing, jewelery etc). I don't want kids growing up thinking women should be ...things made to gratify men. My goddaughter has been complaining about her appearance since she was 6. I don't think page 3 and porn really serve as a good role models.

So - no, you're not being unreasonable to resent the presence of porn and the implication that men are helpless in the face of their urges. I'd enourage people to work on relationships that include whatever kind of entertainment they see fit, but to be equal and respectful. I'm uncomfortable with porn because I feel it's demeaning and exploitative, not because it turns someone on! People find the weirdest things turn ons - shoes, for example.

I could NEVER resent shoes!

worzsel · 27/01/2008 12:53

I resent the implication that all women feel they have a right to moan about what their partner looks at or is insecure enough as to worry about it !

Df doesn't watch porn but if he wanted to it'd be fine.. they are his eyes after all, i don't own him.

Fromlad2dad · 27/01/2008 13:03

I think porn is just a fantasy world people watch it as its not real and its also a form of escapism.

I think porn presents a problem when someone in a relationship watches it and doesnt respect the other perosn is incomfotable with it.

Porn in itself is not a big deal but I think people take it too seriously it is not demeaning of women in my opinion its a celebration of them. Maybe I am just lucky though as partner is fine with pornography and always has been but I certainly wouldnt get involved with it if it upset her.

England & the US are very reserved when it comes to sex I believe its a cultural thing. Sex for some reson in this country is percieved as dirty act that should occur behind closed doors. The US is even worse they cover up womens nipples on TV with plasters bizarre.

Original poster
wannaBe · 27/01/2008 13:17

?I resent the implication that all women feel they have a right to moan about what their partner looks at or is insecure enough as to worry about it !?. If my dh genuinely wanted to look at porn, I would hope that he would be able to talk to me about it, and that we could discuss both the reasons why he felt he wanted to look at porn and the reasons why I felt uncomfortable with it.

But what I see time and time again is that men are looking at porn in secret and the upset caused to the women that then find out. If men feel the need to look in secret, then they must know that their partners would feel uncomfortable about it, or that it was potentially a problem for them.

My dh enjoys a glass of wine with dinner some nights and I don?t have a problem with that. But if I found out that he was secretly drinking I would have issue with that, because I would want to know why he felt the need to drink in secret rather than be up front about it, iyswim?

OP posts: