DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

[GoutFine]

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

You've had your way for a long time. It's his turn now.

I would say do it I’m a Londoner through & through & really couldn’t live somewhere that you have to drive to shops or medical facilities.My children are very young but there is always something to do here . That will carry on as they grow up .Your friends will love to come & stay for the weekend or a night so you can all go out . Your adult children will love coming to stay I’m sure.

I think he has a fair point. It could be fun to live in London. And it's stupid to keep a massive house once the kids have gone. But what strikes me as odd as you pretty much live in London now. 25 mins is nothing! So in that regard he is being unreasonable.

I think it's a little odd of your DH. I can see both points though I have to agree with the poster that suggested mid life crisis!

How old are you both? What does your DH do exactly when he goes to visit Ldn? Agree about seeing the prices of flats.... also kids may drop out of Uni.

Op can you actually afford the move?

i was going to suggest similar. Even renting 6 montha in London (and keeping your home so you don't have the issue of what to do with all your furniture) would be a good test- is that possible?

I would rent say a nice 2 bed in Hampstead /Belsize park or even Notting Hill, rent out your house for a year and see how you both feel.

I do see both points- can't help but wonder if you can afford it that there's a compromise and you could buy a nice 3 bed flat or house somewhere like Richmond or Putney or Chiswick - it may be not so much the 'central' aspect as the fact he misses the hustle and bustle, the tube etc , the river and might be less of an issue for you as they are self contained neighbourhoods - personally I wouldn't want to live mega central these days - all too transient, but no issue with the nicer areas as above.

Isn’t that exactly what he did all those years ago?

I also disagree that all areas are snarled up with traffic. I live in zone 1 and the traffic where I live is fine.

I can totally understand why he wants to move to central London. In my opinion it is the best place to be retired. You can walk everywhere, you don’t need a car, you’ll never be bored, amazing healthcare, and endless free activities and clubs.

It's tricky OP when you want different things in a marriage. Personally I'd give it a whirl (perhaps renting to begin with, as others have suggested), as it does sound like he has compromised more than you on this issue for the past 18 years.

On the one hand, I am the city lover, and agree that it sounds fantastic. On the other hand, however, he is being a complete twat.

If he was reluctant to move to the country, and has very obviously “put up with it” all these years, then that would be one thing. But if he’s never given any impression of being hard done by, then he’s a prized git.

Equally, the idea that you need to keep a fluffy nest for all your adult chicks, is also somewhat melodramatic. Unless you have been wiping their noses, and driving them to uni, they will have managed very well to start their lives, and whilst they might be sad, they will cope.

Be very careful. Not enough couples sit down and have a proper conversation at this point. Thrash it out. Flip chart with pros and cons if necessarily, but I’d start by taking emotional blackmail off the table. Whoever mentions “20 years of sacrifice”, or “the poor children”, first, immediately loses voting rights

It wasn’t “her way”: it was a joint decision. The OP has given no indication that there was ever an agreement to do “her way” then “his way”. And that would be a bizarre way to live a life anyway: let’s take it in turns to be miserable for 25 years!

OP, I think it’s irrelevant whether we on this thread love or loathe London and the thread is getting a bit “but London! The theatre!” vs “but London! The noise!” when the location isn’t really the point. It’s that your DH wants to uproot and you don’t.

Has he always had hankerings to return or is this an empty nest thing or is something else going on? Trying to nail down exactly what he wants to change might help. But personally no, I wouldn’t uproot after so long in my home: it’s not just the house that’s your home, it’s the location.

Empty nest, recapturing his youth, midlife crisis ….

I can totally see where your husband is coming from. Getting a train in to London is completely different to living there. After 20 years I still really miss it and it commute in twice a week.

I think your husband may be struggling with his identity without kids at home and wants to have something to be excited about. Does he have the same networks you do?

Can you not try it for a year - rent out both places?

Amused at all the 'amazing healthcare' posts.

People outside of London do have healthcare!

Also if you are elderly what you need is GP and Community Services. And they are not all that. You might get lucky and have one of the excellent ones but it is luck. As for the excellent hospitals - my patients cry if I tell them they need to go in, their experiences are that bad.

You could compromise and he moves back to your home town for 5 years, then you do his home town for five years etc.

All this talk of 'it's his turn now'. Not sure when people think the op had her turn?

Would a genuine compromise be to rent for a while and see how it goes? It's a huge lifestyle shift (because of the cost of housing mainly).

It sounds like midlife crisis to me, but what can you do?

I feel for you, OP. I made the move from a flat in central London to the HCs (countryside but still commutable to London) I absolutely love it here, quality of life is amazing, I will never go back.

If my DH wanted to move back, giving up our lovely family home and big garden, and the peace and tranquillity of our environment for the noise, pollution, crowds and lack of space of a central London flat, I would find that so so difficult, and think your DH is asking far too much of you.

I’d follow my DH to the moon if he wanted desperately to live there, people over places and all that, but I wouldn’t go easily!

I totally get the London love. When your heart’s in London, everywhere else feels so second rate. However, quite apart from your visceral dislike of a return to London, can you actually afford it?

Amazing healthcare

Eh?

What are you chatting about? I lived in London for 30 years, north, south, east and west. Healthcare was pretty dire all over. London hospitals are hell on earth, always strained to capacity. London is full of totally oversubscribed GP practices where you have to wait weeks for even a phone appointment.

Now live in the HCs. Never have to wait for an appointment, my local GP is like a private practice it has so few patients and the nearest hospital is wonderful. Quality of healthcare in London is not a reason to move back!

I think you need to drill down into exactly how he envisions his day to day life in London will play out. Coffee, lunch, dinners out, trips to the theatre all add up.

Then there is the seasonal aspect of living in London having to walk everywhere when it’s pissing with rain, having no outdoor space (or having to share outdoor space, and other peoples crap taste in music) when it’s boiling hot.

Practically speaking downsizing from a house in the country to a tiny London flat sounds like hell on earth, you’d have to get rid of virtually everything.

i loved living in London in my 20s and met my Londoner husband there. If he seriously wanted to move back I would only consider it if we kept a house in the countryside where I could spend the spring/summer/autumn I love being outside and lots of private green space. I could do London in the winter when it’s cold and dark.

I understand your husband's desire. I live on an island in Canada. It's beautiful, but god it's boring. I dream of moving back to London when the children fly the coop, and have wondered about raising it as a serious possibility with DH. I wouldn't want to live in London with young children, but older adulthood/retirement seems wonderful.

Where does your husband work? Does he need to commute anywhere?

I had to reread your post to check I hadn't written it. I have a feeling we might live in a similar area as we live 25 minutes from Marylebone by train (but on the tube too).

Except it's me wanting to move into central London. I have lots of friends but I miss the buzz of a city. We're looking at a flat in Zone 1 and then a house in the country/by the sea that we could rent out. The traffic in our area is also really wearing me down, it's become a fight to get anywhere. Many of my friends are planning to move away although only a couple into London.

Have the chat as to what his precise expectations are should the move take place - accommodation, lifestyle, social circle etc. etc.

Explain your reluctance, excluding the 'nest' for adult children which is not really a relevant argument against moving.

Look (virtually) at properties, identify what is within your budget and arrange viewings for those. (Is it possible to afford homes in both locations? What sort of properties would these be? etc. etc.)

Review your viewings.

Review your feelings - yours and his.

If you are both still 'open' to moving, rent somewhere similar to the property you both liked best.

If you are still at odds, toss a coin - winner gets to decide. OR get Phil/Kirsty involved. 😏

Rent for a year