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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

508 replies

GoutFine · 14/10/2022 22:16

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

OP posts:
KittenKong · 18/10/2022 09:42

Nope - these places were (except the tavern of course) great for all ages - you’d see grandparents with kids going to see exhibitions at the Southbank, or parents with children going to the BFI (as I did) to see kids films, to the Barbican to the Saturday kids club, or watch dance shows.

They weren’t trying to focus purely on the ‘yoof’ market and alienate older people. Everything is seemingly seen through that one filter.

I loved the southbank and Barbican. I took my parents there when they visited to see shows and plays. I took my kid when he was tiny.

FlamencoDance · 18/10/2022 19:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

FlamencoDance · 18/10/2022 19:45

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

KittenKong · 18/10/2022 19:47

These are the places I loved as a student and young woman. They were ‘inclusive’ (boak) as they welcomed all and everyone felt welcome. Now it’s ‘for the young folk’ mostly. Things change, of course they do - but places like the southbank and Barbican were created for ‘the people’ not ‘the trend’.

KittenKong · 18/10/2022 19:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

Prejudiced how exactly?

FlamencoDance · 19/10/2022 14:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

1HappyTraveller · 19/10/2022 15:14

GoutFine · 14/10/2022 22:32

Do you think relocating when you don't want to to please a partner would be ok - would you be able to make peace with it?

Even the nice (v expensive) areas are snarled up with traffic and a totally different lifestyle to where we are now.

I guess that depends on whether or not he relocated for you (despite possibly not wanting to?) in the first place?

1HappyTraveller · 19/10/2022 15:17

GoutFine · 16/10/2022 22:07

In terms of areas Queen’s Park etc not central enough, he would be talking about Mayfair/ Bloomsbury/ Fitzrovia / Mayfair.

I think he will struggle to find what you want for your budget in those areas

pollina · 19/10/2022 15:23

Dont do it OP. Sounds like madness and I agree very mid life crisis like. Can you agree a compromise if financially it's possible -- you will spend so many evenings or days in town, or a trial period where you overnight in a hotel on a regular basis. Or even a long term rental if you can afford it. Should take the shine off things! It's not like you are miles away and can't get into town and do all the things you want to do already!

blueshoes · 19/10/2022 22:08

KittenKong · 18/10/2022 19:47

These are the places I loved as a student and young woman. They were ‘inclusive’ (boak) as they welcomed all and everyone felt welcome. Now it’s ‘for the young folk’ mostly. Things change, of course they do - but places like the southbank and Barbican were created for ‘the people’ not ‘the trend’.

I have no idea what you are talking about. Feeling welcome? You are looking for love in the wrong place.

You do what you want in London. Nobody gives a shit. That is the beauty of London. It is completely inclusive that way. There is no place created for nobody.

loottie · 19/10/2022 22:39

I know GX well, it is very boring. I'm with your husband. I also have no idea how you would/could describe GX as multi-cultural. Yes lots of professional internationals and nannies, but no diversity in the true sense.
I think your dh has a very fair point that London is where he deserves to be after sacrificing his desire to be there for the raising family years. It would be a great example to your children to live life to the full too.
You can always go back, or even to another part of the country, the coast, the mountains, abroad?
I'd love to have someone in my life who was adventurous and not ready for a pipe and slippers like so many men in their 50s!

WalkingOnTheCracks · 20/10/2022 00:08

KittenKong · 18/10/2022 07:50

I don’t even recognise London these days! I see it through the eyes of DS so I can still see the buzz and excitement - but that’s anywhere when you are late teens isn’t it?

I now find irritating and busy. The places I hung out as a student are all gender free loos, non binary noodles, and charity drag acts for fishy folk. Women don’t feel welcome in a lot of those places now.

Maybe what’s changed is not London, but you.

There are a lot of middle-aged people here saying ‘London’s not what it was’. Maybe. But London was never what it was. It’s changing constantly, and it’s been doing that for two thousand years. That doesn’t mean it’s getting worse.

More crime? Rubbish. Look at the crime figures for nineteenth-century London.

More crowded? Nah - look at every census up to the Second World War.

More traffic? Read any account of London since the Middle Ages.

More expensive? Well, than what? I suspect that the gap between London and the suburbs, and many other cities, is narrowing. Bought a pizza in Tunbridge or Reading recently?

”’I’m just saying it’s all different since I was young.” Well, every generation says that. About everything. Everywhere. I’m pretty sure that’s it’s all been downhill in Peking and Penzance too. Whinging about things like that is what ageing people do.

OP, there may be a discussion to be had with your husband about this - but I’d advise against saying, ‘well, a lot of people on Mumsnet don’t think London’s very nice anymore’…

Not least because some of us - even some old people, such as myself - think it’s as good as ever.

YDBear · 20/10/2022 01:57

Got to agree with WalkingOnTheCracks here. London’s changed. The stuff you liked 40 years ago might not be there but other stuff is and you will like it as much. I live in Fitzrovia and get a huge buzz every time I step out of my door. My Taiwanese DP is quite adamant “this is the best city in the world”.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 20/10/2022 03:49

WalkingOnTheCracks · 20/10/2022 00:08

Maybe what’s changed is not London, but you.

There are a lot of middle-aged people here saying ‘London’s not what it was’. Maybe. But London was never what it was. It’s changing constantly, and it’s been doing that for two thousand years. That doesn’t mean it’s getting worse.

More crime? Rubbish. Look at the crime figures for nineteenth-century London.

More crowded? Nah - look at every census up to the Second World War.

More traffic? Read any account of London since the Middle Ages.

More expensive? Well, than what? I suspect that the gap between London and the suburbs, and many other cities, is narrowing. Bought a pizza in Tunbridge or Reading recently?

”’I’m just saying it’s all different since I was young.” Well, every generation says that. About everything. Everywhere. I’m pretty sure that’s it’s all been downhill in Peking and Penzance too. Whinging about things like that is what ageing people do.

OP, there may be a discussion to be had with your husband about this - but I’d advise against saying, ‘well, a lot of people on Mumsnet don’t think London’s very nice anymore’…

Not least because some of us - even some old people, such as myself - think it’s as good as ever.

Show quote history

👏

Whizzi24 · 20/10/2022 06:05

I guess that depends on whether or not he relocated for you (despite possibly not wanting to?) in the first place?

OP has said it was a joint decision as they both wanted to bring the DC up with more space outside London. The idea of moving back doesn't seem to have cropped up until now.

YukoandHiro · 20/10/2022 06:45

Also bringing the 👏🏻 for @WalkingOnTheCracks

UnicornRidge · 20/10/2022 07:17

It sounds like he gave up his life and friendship circle for the family. Now the kids are old enough, can see why he wants to move back.

I am biased. Went to school in London. Have lived in many places around the world but I would not retire outside London.

Having elderly relatives around, I can see London living is much easier as you get older. Frequent public transport. Good healthcare. Easier to see a specialist. Handy when you are too old to drive. Smaller flat = lower heating bill = less space to maintain. Walkable.

A friend's godfather who passed away a few yr back was born in London. He moved to Somerset for his wife and kid. He always wanted to move back but he could not afford to. He passed when his kid was still in school. They scattered his ashes in London.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/10/2022 08:05

UnicornRidge · 20/10/2022 07:17

It sounds like he gave up his life and friendship circle for the family. Now the kids are old enough, can see why he wants to move back.

I am biased. Went to school in London. Have lived in many places around the world but I would not retire outside London.

Having elderly relatives around, I can see London living is much easier as you get older. Frequent public transport. Good healthcare. Easier to see a specialist. Handy when you are too old to drive. Smaller flat = lower heating bill = less space to maintain. Walkable.

A friend's godfather who passed away a few yr back was born in London. He moved to Somerset for his wife and kid. He always wanted to move back but he could not afford to. He passed when his kid was still in school. They scattered his ashes in London.

The DH didn't move "for his wife and kids" they both decided to move out for exactly the same reason most other London couples do - the cost of living in London. I was born and raised in central London, we also had to move further out to afford a family. The London I grew up in doesn't exist any more, its all second home owners, investment properties and the community scattered to the winds.

He now wants his family to give up the life and friends they have built to follow him to what is most likely a pipe dream. .

Positioning this as some great sacrifice by him is not the reality - mid life crisis is more likely. He is, however, positioning it as a great sacrifice which is a bit of emotional blackmail on them to give up their lives to follow him.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/10/2022 08:51

he has loved it but always missed London.
OP knew he missed London so can't be a sudden thing.
OP, as you say London is close to where you are, you could go back for visits easily then.

IrisVersicolor · 20/10/2022 11:38

C8H10N4O2 · 20/10/2022 08:05

The DH didn't move "for his wife and kids" they both decided to move out for exactly the same reason most other London couples do - the cost of living in London. I was born and raised in central London, we also had to move further out to afford a family. The London I grew up in doesn't exist any more, its all second home owners, investment properties and the community scattered to the winds.

He now wants his family to give up the life and friends they have built to follow him to what is most likely a pipe dream. .

Positioning this as some great sacrifice by him is not the reality - mid life crisis is more likely. He is, however, positioning it as a great sacrifice which is a bit of emotional blackmail on them to give up their lives to follow him.

Show quote history

Of course it was a sacrifice. They moved out for quality of life when they could have stayed in a smaller property in London. DH clearly always missed it and now wants to go back.

I have no idea what people mean when they say that the London they knew “doesn’t exist any more”. London is still the same vibrant hub it’s always been.

UnicornRidge · 20/10/2022 15:42

WalkingOnTheCracks · 20/10/2022 00:08

Maybe what’s changed is not London, but you.

There are a lot of middle-aged people here saying ‘London’s not what it was’. Maybe. But London was never what it was. It’s changing constantly, and it’s been doing that for two thousand years. That doesn’t mean it’s getting worse.

More crime? Rubbish. Look at the crime figures for nineteenth-century London.

More crowded? Nah - look at every census up to the Second World War.

More traffic? Read any account of London since the Middle Ages.

More expensive? Well, than what? I suspect that the gap between London and the suburbs, and many other cities, is narrowing. Bought a pizza in Tunbridge or Reading recently?

”’I’m just saying it’s all different since I was young.” Well, every generation says that. About everything. Everywhere. I’m pretty sure that’s it’s all been downhill in Peking and Penzance too. Whinging about things like that is what ageing people do.

OP, there may be a discussion to be had with your husband about this - but I’d advise against saying, ‘well, a lot of people on Mumsnet don’t think London’s very nice anymore’…

Not least because some of us - even some old people, such as myself - think it’s as good as ever.

Show quote history

👏 well said

AryaStarkWolf · 20/10/2022 15:50

GoutFine · 14/10/2022 22:26

He still has some friends there and he wants to be in the thick of everything, walking everywhere (we can walk to things now but limited options) and he likes very crowded busy environments and even things like huge buildings. I find London claustrophobic, crowded, can't stand the traffic, don't like the tube. I like the space and openness where we are now and we are going to have to give up so much. He feels he's done his time and talks about the years here as if he sacrificed his happiness for the family.

That's a real dilemma. I'd be like you, would hate to be in the middle of a big city with people and noise everywhere you turn. But I do have sympathy for him too if he wants that life so badly

IrisVersicolor · 20/10/2022 16:04

Not least because some of us - even some old people, such as myself - think it’s as good as ever.

Many things have improved in fact.

oviraptor21 · 20/10/2022 21:23

Visiting somewhere every week or two is not the same as living there.
Taking myself as an example, every week I take part in ten or more activities which are based in and around where I live. All my friends are here. To try and replace that in London of all places would be impossible.
And I agree, London is the best city in the world. I'm forever grateful that I live close enough that I can visit it whenever I want to for theatres etc. But that's a once a month event for me.
I'd be devastated to be uprooted and lose all those connections I'd built up over the years.

AloysiusBear · 20/10/2022 21:31

If my DH loved city life (i didnt), i would have view it as a big, big incompatibility.

I would have been clear much much earlier that i did not want to move to london at any point.

I lived there for 12 years and found it lonely and transient. We had loads of friends but even when we lived in zone 1 there was never a core of people around, it was still constantly getting the tube half an hour. I feel much more part of the more rural community we live in now. I'd never, ever go back. We're under an hour to the west end door to door, so its there when we want it and we get to live here instead.