Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

508 replies

GoutFine · 14/10/2022 22:16

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

OP posts:
TheHouseonHauntedHill · 14/10/2022 22:44

You asked if it's ok op to move if one partner doesn't want too and that's exactly what he did for you?
He did it and has never settled and wants to go back.

Original poster
GoutFine · 14/10/2022 22:45

@TheHouseonHauntedHill he didn't do it for me we made a joint decision at the time because we both thought it would be better for the children and we couldn't afford London then anyway.

OP posts:
Summerof22 · 14/10/2022 22:46

That’s our plan when daughter is off to Uni, luckily we both agree, unfortunately she’s still 11…

Blossomtoes · 14/10/2022 22:47

Can we swap husbands please? I’d snap his hand off.

Summerfun54321 · 14/10/2022 22:51

I must say I see your DH’s view. I really miss London and find the quieter life pretty dull. Can you at least not compromise by booking in a few regular weekend London trips and talking about where you would live and trying it out. He mind find the reality isn’t quite what he remembered.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/10/2022 22:51

We did as soon as the last one went to uni, was also in a boring town in Randomville for 20 years before

BEST thing we ever did, 5 years later having a BALL 🏀

BuryingAcorns · 14/10/2022 22:52

OP, I am like your DH, my DH is more like you. He recently suggested we downsize to a smaller house nearby and buy a tiny flat in London with the money saved, as an investment. that way we could have frequent weekends there. Dc could use the flat if they need while looking for a job etc.

My parents retured to London and loved it but when they got more frail they enquired about local care provision and the council wrote back: 'We have no care provision for the elderly in this borough. Our advice is to move out of London when you get old.' I couldn;t believe it. Worth bearing in mind.

Wombat27A · 14/10/2022 22:56

If you're not a city lover, I wouldn't move to keep someone else happy. Particularly when he can access the things he's missing easily. It's hard to make friends if you move and don't have kids or work to meet people.

CentralLondonLife · 14/10/2022 22:58

It is great
I did it- dont regret it for a second
Live very centrally- 20 minutes walk to covent garden
Couldn't have afforded to live this centrally when younger.

Why don't you rent for 6 months and see if you like it?

LauraIAm · 14/10/2022 23:00

Would it be financially possible to keep your Home Counties house and have a London bolt holt? Could rent one or both out sometimes on Airbnb? Could either of you work more hours to make this possible? I understand both of your positions but there may be middle ground

CentralLondonLife · 14/10/2022 23:01

GoutFine · 14/10/2022 22:32

Do you think relocating when you don't want to to please a partner would be ok - would you be able to make peace with it?

Even the nice (v expensive) areas are snarled up with traffic and a totally different lifestyle to where we are now.

London traffic is much less than it was 5 years ago- I would say more like mid 90s at the moment

If you live in congestion zone you only pay £1.50 per day if you move the car within the hours and residents parking

CantFindTheBeat · 14/10/2022 23:02

I am a city person and live semi-rurally for child reasons. My DH is a country lover.

My youngest is now at uni.

I satisfy my city urge by now having the freedom to spend as much time in the city as I like.

I would never upset my DCs equilibrium by selling up their childhood home on a whim. It's just not necessary. Maybe when they have left education and are settled, but definitely not right now when stability is so crucial to them.

CentralLondonLife · 14/10/2022 23:03

LauraIAm · 14/10/2022 23:00

Would it be financially possible to keep your Home Counties house and have a London bolt holt? Could rent one or both out sometimes on Airbnb? Could either of you work more hours to make this possible? I understand both of your positions but there may be middle ground

Many London boroughs have a tight limit on Airbnb- Westminster and Southwark for example. 90 nights

LovinglifeAF · 14/10/2022 23:04

YANBU

is the Home Counties not near London anyway?

I’d just say no

Henddraig · 14/10/2022 23:05

I would one hundred percent do it. Perhaps I will! My kids are a decade and a half off that age yet.

There are actually lots of positives in selling up yourself rather than leaving it for the children to do after you die. And I say that as someone whose parents moved out from the family home I grew up in.

sunshinesupermum · 14/10/2022 23:06

As an older person myself I love living in London. My flat has a supermarket 50 yards away, the doctor's surgery is across the road, plenty of shops and cafes, buses, tube and rail station close by, 15 minute walk to the Thames, open spaces like Richmond Park a short drive, choice of cinemas a bus ride away, major hospitals easily reachable, the only real crowds are in the centre of the West End and I understand the pull London has for your DH if he was brought up here as I was!

LovinglifeAF · 14/10/2022 23:09

What is the point really in moving when you are so close anyway? It’s not like you live hours away

Runnerduck34 · 14/10/2022 23:09

I think he is probably romantising about the past.
Reality may be different.
I definitely wouldn't move unless their were enough bedrooms for DC. They come back a lot during the long uni holidays and chances are they will need to move back in after uni whilst they find their feet.
So if when he looks there's not enough budget to buy a flat big enough to house DC in Central London then that's a resounding no imo.
I totally get why you don't want to move if you are happy and settled where you.
Could you rent your current house out and trial a flat rental in London? See if it lives up to expectations?
But his wants don't trump.yours ( or vice versa) so it's a hard decision to compromise on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2022 23:10

"I find London claustrophobic, crowded, can't stand the traffic, don't like the tube. I like the space and openness where we are now"

I wouldnt move, you will be miserable. I dont think it's fair of him actually- it's fair to raise it and express his opinion - but it reads as though a few years ago you made a joint decision to move out of London as it was the best thing for your family. A joint decision. And now he is all like 'well I sacrificed everything for you so now it's my turn. Unless it was all you, and you had to work hard to persuade him then it feels a bit manipulative to dress it up as anything other than 'I want this' and it's wrong to push something that he knows would make you miserable. Is there any way you could get a tiny studio there and live in it a couple of days a week? Or downsize your house after your kids have gone through uni and buy another property there?

HundredMilesAnHour · 14/10/2022 23:11

I'm Team DH. I'm 52 and live in central London and it's just the best! I walk almost everywhere (unless the weather's horrendous). Cafes, restaurants, museums, gyms, galleries, shops, everything you need is pretty much within walking distance. There's always something going on and something new to do. I actually grew up in the countryside (which I also love) but the experience of living in central London is just wonderful.

Lemonyfuckit · 14/10/2022 23:12

So personally I am of your view OP but that's probably because I've just moved to the country after a long time in London (but who knows, may feel differently when my DH and I enter the next phase of our lives). My parents however moved from a very rural area to a bustling seaside town when they retired. So not central London level of buzz, but for similar reasons - they wanted more going on, a theatre and cinema and shops and restaurants they could walk to, and within easy reach of London to go to exhibitions. And it was a fantastic move for them. And also aging, not having to use the car so much, having good public transport and healthcare nearby. My DF sadly died last year but I'm so glad for both of them they made that move, they have made fantastic friends and had great times in the new place and my DM now has great friends and support literally on her doorstep. I can certainly see the sense in making a move to a city rather than the country when one is older, but obviously it has to be something that you both want, or there needs to be compromise.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2022 23:12

I also think he is being a bit unreasonable given that it's only half an hour from your local station into central London...its not so far that it will really stop you enjoying whatever London has to offer

Weenurse · 14/10/2022 23:13

Completely different country, but we have the family home in the suburbs and have bought a 2 bed flat in the city ( it is on the edge of the city, but still in the postcode).
From the flat we can catch a tram or walk to theatres, art gallery, sporting stadiums etc. DD1 currently living there as uni is close.
DD2 and hubby are happy in the suburbs, but plan is to sell family home eventually and use equity to help fund retirement.
Can you take a 3 month or 6 month lease on a city property to see if his vision and reality match?

SuperCamp · 14/10/2022 23:13

London is brilliant for a child free existence / early retirement. Free travel once you are 60, so much to do.

I would love in the Barbican, for example, like a shot.

You say central London is only 30 mins away… easy to pop back and visit your friends then!

HundredMilesAnHour · 14/10/2022 23:14

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2022 23:12

I also think he is being a bit unreasonable given that it's only half an hour from your local station into central London...its not so far that it will really stop you enjoying whatever London has to offer

The same argument can be used for the OP visiting friends etc where they live now if they move to London. It's only 25 mins away.