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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

508 replies

GoutFine · 14/10/2022 22:16

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

OP posts:
CentralLondonLife · 14/10/2022 23:14

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2022 23:12

I also think he is being a bit unreasonable given that it's only half an hour from your local station into central London...its not so far that it will really stop you enjoying whatever London has to offer

Not quite the same as walking the dog around Buckingham palace and Westminster abbey each morning

dreamingbohemian · 14/10/2022 23:15

The distance argument works both ways. If you're close enough that he can pop into London whenever he wants, he could argue that you could always pop back to see your friends whenever you want.

Oblomov22 · 14/10/2022 23:18

Hmm. What about a compromise, you rent out your home for a year, and rent in London, to see if it's still all it's cracked up to be for him, and whether you can cope with it. Is he still working?

Before you even suggest the above, can I suggest that you sit down and talk to him seriously from the heart about what is he really wants how are you feel about it as you've told us on this thread.

Because you're coming from very different places : he's a London boy and feels very differently about it to you. and I think you have some serious core issues here to contend with before you make any decisions.

HollyJollypup · 14/10/2022 23:20

I wouldn’t move. You both made the choice to leave so he can’t hold that against you.
His needs don’t trump yours and you are already in your home. He can visit London.

MarigoldPetals · 14/10/2022 23:23

Isn’t London going to flood with climate change?

sleepwhenidie · 14/10/2022 23:24

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2022 23:12

I also think he is being a bit unreasonable given that it's only half an hour from your local station into central London...its not so far that it will really stop you enjoying whatever London has to offer

Half an hour by train or driving out of London is very different from having restaurants, bars, theatres and shops on your doorstep and being able to take advantage of all of that without worrying about catching trains home, especially late at night. Needs little to no planning.

ValerieDoonican · 14/10/2022 23:28

Well there's two things here, aren't there. There's wherher you would hate London as much as you think, and whether your DH is being unreasonable/manipulative in suggesting (to himself even?) that this has kind of always been the understanding, 'your' 25 years in metroland, then he gets his 'turn'. Which doesn't sound like your understanding at all.

Has there been any hint of this/mention of this/discussion of this before now? It's pretty high-handes of him to just presume you'll fto along with this if he had no reason to believe it was a joint plan.

MrJi · 14/10/2022 23:30

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2022 23:12

I also think he is being a bit unreasonable given that it's only half an hour from your local station into central London...its not so far that it will really stop you enjoying whatever London has to offer

He could say the same though couldn’t he ? That it is near enough for the OP to still see friends etc.
i can see his point , he made a sacrifice to make a good family home, but he misses the place he grew up in.
Each of you are entitled to want to live in a particular place, but unless you can afford to do as suggested by some pps, and get a London bolt hole, then one of you will have to live somewhere that you like less than the other. I agree with posters that perhaps renting out your house, and renting in Central London for a year, might give you both a different perspective. Your DH may find that things have changed too much, and it doesn’t really give him what he wants any more, he may have a rose tinted view of central London that won’t hold up in reality. Equally you might find you love it more than where you are currently. This seems more sensible than selling up and moving.
It is difficult for both of you, but in this situation I would be prepared to give it a try I think, and I know DH would give it a go if he thought I was unhappy in our present location.

Cameleongirl · 14/10/2022 23:30

I agree with PP’s that he should start looking at flats and see whether you can actually afford what he’s envisioning. You might also might consider renting for a year to test the waters.

RootinandTootin · 14/10/2022 23:33

I can honestly say I’d rather saw my own arm off then actually live in London. It’s expensive, busy, dirty, property is ridiculous and it’s full of rude people. I also hate the taste in my mouth after a day of being on the tube. I don’t understand why anyone would want to live there. It’s okay for the day but that’s about it. I completely see where you’re coming from and I wouldn’t be moving back. Is there anyway you can compromise?

AnnaMagnani · 14/10/2022 23:53

Does he miss London or being 18 years younger?

I spend all week visiting properties in Zone 1, and if you haven't got £1million+ I really really wouldn't bother. Have never seen so many horrible flats in my whole career.

Guavafish1 · 15/10/2022 00:00

I think you should move

jeaux90 · 15/10/2022 00:06

Over my dead body would I move back to London from beautiful Oxfordshire.

alexdgr8 · 15/10/2022 00:06

having several hospitals a bus ride away will become increasingly valuable as you age.
you may think this is irrelevant for 20-30 years, but anything can happen at any age, and the likelihood increases with each year.
hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
and it's his turn now anyway.

Rooster67 · 15/10/2022 00:08

I’m with your husband- I love London and would live in zone 1 like a shot. That’s no use to you though.

Would a compromise work? Zone 3 might be close enough to the centre for him to feel like a Londoner but close enough to where you are now that you could still see your friends.

Has he actually looked at what you could get for your money in zone 1? It might come as a shock.

pinkdelight · 15/10/2022 00:17

The argument that it's only a stones throw away on the train works both ways. If you live in central london, you can get back to your Home Counties friends just as swiftly or they can visit you. Not saying his way wins, just that the argument that it's easily accessible doesn't bolster your case any more than his. If anything he'll feel like he's done it that way around for so long that now it's fair to do it the other way around.

toulet · 15/10/2022 00:20

Isn't this why they are building luxury retirement homes in central London 😆. Old people are supposed to be moving back whereas the young are going to the coast & other cities.

StartupRepair · 15/10/2022 00:33

I wouldn't assume DC would be immediately settled and happy at uni and will only be a visitor in the family home from then on. I would wait until they are in second or third year before vaporising the family home.

Binkybix · 15/10/2022 01:16

DH and I are thinking of a temporary move out of London, but have a plan to return (so keeping our house there). But reply, other peoples’ preferences don’t really matter. Some people love London and some hate it.

I think the context is important here - did you always have an understanding that you would review this after kids leave home, or is it out of the blue? I think you both need to explore options with an open mind.

LicoricePizza · 15/10/2022 01:46

Sounds like he compromised to live out in the commuter belt and so in fairness you should now compromise too.
But I can understand your not wanting to leave somewhere you love especially if you like the space & tranquility & it feels like home.
Was he vocal about this before & was it part of the deal that he would move out but always wanted to move back in?

blueshoes · 15/10/2022 02:06

I am unbelievably excited for your dh. Dh and I have always said we would retire in Central London. When we go on city breaks, we prefer to stay super central, even if the flat is less spacious, just to have everything at our doorstep. It is marvellous, like being on holiday everyday.

However, since you are less thrilled with the idea, I agree with other posters to rent in C London for a while while keeping your family home. That will allow you both to see whether London is for you and also scope out the flats. It will be fabulously expensive too.

There are lots of green spaces in London. South London is known to be leafier if you are priced out of the North.

Worriedaboutethics · 15/10/2022 02:30

@GoutFine

kids like to go back to where they grew up when at UnI.

the wanes after 5/7 years of going to uni.

your husband of course knows this.

why not wait five years

LeMoo · 15/10/2022 02:42

Your dh isn't being unreasonable but given that you seem so ill-suited to city life and so happy where you are, it seems like a disaster in the making. I don't know how you achieve resolution but I'd advise you don't make the move as things stand. You and he are on completely different pages - in completely different chapters even!

NumberTheory · 15/10/2022 02:59

I would very much be your DH in this situation.

I don’t think either of you have a trump card in this situation. Even the kids will have advantages if you are Zone 1 with room for them.

allboysherebutme · 15/10/2022 03:01

I wouldn't. X