DH wants to move to London as soon as DC go to uni

[GoutFine]

DH is from London and we moved to the Home Counties when DC were small for schools/ quality of life. I have always loved it and he has loved it but always missed London. We met in London but I was from another area of the UK originally so don't have the same emotional ties.

Now the DC are older and youngest l due to start uni next year DH has said very strongly he is desperate to move back to central London. He wants to sell our lovely family home and buy a "lovely" flat in zone 1, with spare rooms for the children.

We have lived where we are for 18 years and built up a great network of friends and I'm so emotionally attached to this area as this is all our children have ever known. If it were up to me I'd stay here and the DC would still have their family home to return to. In all likelihood they'd be living with us for a while after uni and we are within easy commuting distance to London (25 minutes into Marylebone and we are a short walk from the station).

He says I'm being unfair as he has lived here for so long and he belongs in London and wants to live back there. I feel my life is here end don't see why he must live in London when we are so close anyway. I mainly feel sad for the children I don't want them to lose their family home and the friendships and connections they have here.

WIBU to refuse to move? He is desperate to.

[LifeOnATrain]

I'm in zone 4 and constantly eyeing up properties in zone 1 :)

I would start looking with him - you may find the reality is different to what he's thinking, you may find it isn't but at least you'll have an idea of what you can afford and as others have said, a place in zone 1 with space and spare rooms, walking distance to 'nice' places is going to cost a fortune.

[SpanishSteps123Ole]

My first thoughts were he is getting ready for divorce.

[Humobean]

My heart sinks reading this post. My father wanted to re-emigrate to South Africa after meeting my mother in the late 60s. She agreed to go to keep him sweet but once she was married, refused to go. He always held it against her.

Fast forward to their 60s - he inherits money so railroads her into emigrating to Australia where my only sibling now lives. They sold the family home (bungalow), bought an apartment to have a foothold at home and then bought their retirement home in Australia.

It's been a disaster - my sister avoids them because they are so difficult, my mother is alcohol dependent now, they've not made any friends or integrated. They are socially isolated. My mother can't drive and lives in an area that is car dependent. There are no footpaths . They are living in the same house but are not on speaking terms. My father is bored, complains about the high cost of living where they are and doesn't like Australians 🙄 (or it seems my mother)

They left one of the most desirable places to live in Ireland where they had grown up and had connections. I don't think they properly thought through aging in a place where they don't really know anyone (or where they don't get on with each other).

Moving to central London might be brilliant for both of you but think very carefully about it and make sure you are on the same hymnsheet.

[LifeOnATrain]

Exh's parents did the same and moved back in to central London. It was a godsend for them when they became unable to drive but had free travel anywhere in London!

[DryIce]

Renting sounds like a good idea, for you both to try it out. Agree with what's said above, I'm also an immigrant ans have moved a lot, and often I find nostalgia for a prior place vanishes when I actually go back!

Having said that, I'm very much like your husband - we live in zone 3 now (under sufferance!) because of small kids etc. When they're grown I definitely want to move back more central. My Husband was more keen for this move and I would hope he would take that into consideration when the child reason for being here is gone

[OrangePumpkinLobelia]

@Humobean

My heart sinks reading this post. My father wanted to re-emigrate to South Africa after meeting my mother in the late 60s. She agreed to go to keep him sweet but once she was married, refused to go. He always held it against her.

Fast forward to their 60s - he inherits money so railroads her into emigrating to Australia where my only sibling now lives. They sold the family home (bungalow), bought an apartment to have a foothold at home and then bought their retirement home in Australia.

It's been a disaster - my sister avoids them because they are so difficult, my mother is alcohol dependent now, they've not made any friends or integrated. They are socially isolated. My mother can't drive and lives in an area that is car dependent. There are no footpaths . They are living in the same house but are not on speaking terms. My father is bored, complains about the high cost of living where they are and doesn't like Australians 🙄 (or it seems my mother)

They left one of the most desirable places to live in Ireland where they had grown up and had connections. I don't think they properly thought through aging in a place where they don't really know anyone (or where they don't get on with each other).

Moving to central London might be brilliant for both of you but think very carefully about it and make sure you are on the same hymnsheet.

This is an interesting point about retiring where you do not know anyone.

My parents had a holiday house in a rural area that they increasingly spent mroe time in with the view to retire. They then did indeed develop a lcoal network and friends so when they did finally retire they already had links and connections. Thsi was exceptionally successful for a good 15 years or so then they realised their rural location (9 acres of formal gardens!) was way too much for them and the available medical services were limited so they suddenly upped sticks and moved to a major regional centre. (Not in the UK). The latest move has been amazing for them and they love it. But that is by the by. The original move was a gradual transition and checking it all out for quite some time. So I do think the idea of a dual location if at all possible and renting for a bit in London is wise. You can check it all out before putting all the eggs into the basket.

[Sausagenbacon]

Fwiw our children love visiting us in the city, and it's more convenient as well. None of them miss where we used to live.

[IrisVersicolor]

I get it, I’m a Londoner. I think I could live in the Home Counties for a bit if I had to, but I’d always miss my home and would move back to the bustling multiculture at the first opportunity.

Many many parents sell the family home and move elsewhere when the kids go to uni, and London is much more convenient than some places.

[IrisVersicolor]

@Humobean

My heart sinks reading this post. My father wanted to re-emigrate to South Africa after meeting my mother in the late 60s. She agreed to go to keep him sweet but once she was married, refused to go. He always held it against her.

Fast forward to their 60s - he inherits money so railroads her into emigrating to Australia where my only sibling now lives. They sold the family home (bungalow), bought an apartment to have a foothold at home and then bought their retirement home in Australia.

It's been a disaster - my sister avoids them because they are so difficult, my mother is alcohol dependent now, they've not made any friends or integrated. They are socially isolated. My mother can't drive and lives in an area that is car dependent. There are no footpaths . They are living in the same house but are not on speaking terms. My father is bored, complains about the high cost of living where they are and doesn't like Australians 🙄 (or it seems my mother)

They left one of the most desirable places to live in Ireland where they had grown up and had connections. I don't think they properly thought through aging in a place where they don't really know anyone (or where they don't get on with each other).

Moving to central London might be brilliant for both of you but think very carefully about it and make sure you are on the same hymnsheet.

London is not Australia. 😂

[Humobean]

OrangePumpkinLobelia I think my sister had fled to Australia to escape them but then they followed her out there! She told them that they would have to make their own lives and get out and socialise. But they didn't.

I've emigrated myself now, for my husband's job. I do miss home but home is the UK now. The life I had in Dublin in my 20s and 30s would be different to one in my 50s. Everyone I knew has moved on with their lives.

[Peanutbuttercupisyum]

Im guessing you live out Beaconsfield/GX/Great Missenden type way. They are lovely, but very very young family places. I think you might get a bit bored eventually. On the other hand, I’m sure your children will want to live at home again soon and they will prefer being where they grew up, with all their friends also living back home. I’d consider the plan, bit
not yet. I’d wait till they finished uni first.

[Humobean]

IrisVersicolor well no it isn't, obviously. But they moved without being in step with each other about the move.

[MsTSwift]

To be fair we don’t all “walk everywhere” outside big cities a lot of people pretty much drive everywhere. He does have a point there

[Autumninnewyork]

Can you rent somewhere in London for 12 months and see how you both feel then?

[Doris86]

Why would anyone want to give up a lovely family home to live in a flat in a busy city?

[faffadoodledo]

I kind of get it. I love where we live (moved back to the county of our birth 15 years ago with the children). It's wonderful. But I do think London would be easier as a retiree - healthcare springs to mind. We have lots of friends there because we used to live there and have kept in touch. We could afford to move back to a similar size house that we left, and the children would be nearby.
But we won't move. Where we live is wild and beautiful, and we have friends here too. But in some ways it would be much easier in London. And we could have fun too, but in different ways to here

[PaperPalace]

Well, to answer the last question of your OP, it would certainly be unreasonable for you just to refuse. That's not how marriages work! (Not good ones anyway!) At the very least, this deserves a lot of thought / discussion / compromise.

[Kissingfrogs25]

I can't help but think he is trying to get his 'young carefree' life back, he remembers the golden years of youth and the excitement and thrill of central London. This is a mid life crisis in the making. He wants to be 'young' again but hasn't factored in the reality.

Hire an air bnb in January when they will be a fraction of the cost at other times of the year and test run a month if you can of life in the city. And see how get on. I am willing to bet for the first week he will love it, and after that it will become increasingly obvious to him the drawbacks.

Just for the record, nothing would get me back to London.
No friends, hectic, stressful, polluted and lonely for you.
I wouldn't do it under any circumstances, but you can do the trial if you think it will give him something to think about.

[WildImaginings]

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

You've had your way for a long time. It's his turn now.

Where are you getting this from? OP says the initial move was BOTH of their ideas. So how has she had her way?

[Stoic123]

Some great comments above and do agree should not be about the kids.

But - if you do agree to move, I would recommend waiting at least till after youngest is in their second year at uni. I remember there was a lot of 'reunion' excitement and activities during uni holidays during the first year as schoolfriends reunited. It died down a little from 2nd year onwards.

[pocketvenuss]

@Aquamarine1029

I smell a midlife crisis.

[pocketvenuss]

@Maray1967

I’m not staying here for our DC to see their friends - we’ve made that clear to both of them. But we’re planning to move somewhere that we both want to go to - I would not move somewhere that I didn’t like.

And I wouldn't expect my dh to suck it up and live somewhere he didn't like either

[BelleMarionette]

Is it possible to compromise by keeping your house out in the sticks and getting a small pied a terre in London? Do you have savings for a little studio? That way you could split your time.

[BelleMarionette]

Also, has he coated the move properly? A nice flat in zone 1 is eye wateringly expensive nowadays.

[pocketvenuss]

@GoutFine

Do you think relocating when you don't want to to please a partner would be ok - would you be able to make peace with it?

Even the nice (v expensive) areas are snarled up with traffic and a totally different lifestyle to where we are now.

No but I don't think expecting him to suck it up for your happiness will work either. You need to find a compromise you both can feel content with. And that will require you to accept some sacrifice.