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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

987 replies

NotWelcomeAtParties · 14/10/2022 15:43

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

OP posts:
Mariposista · 14/10/2022 18:14

Do not let her have her say. The friendship is over and no negotiations

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/10/2022 18:15

BTW - I should have added that I think your friend is a tw*t!

Snowpatrolsnowpatrol · 14/10/2022 18:15

The OP also sounds entitled though. She arrived a day later and expected someone else to have slept on the sofa bed the night before so she would have a bed?

Nobody would expect this surely?

The pregnancy is a red herring as nobody knows about that.

Asking F to contribute to a gift also sounds entitled.

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/10/2022 18:16

StupidSmallFruit · 14/10/2022 18:14

You’ve misinterpreted the logistics @Emotionalsupportviper - the men are in a separate dorm.

Thank you @StupidSmallFruit

I'd been scratching my head over that.

StupidSmallFruit · 14/10/2022 18:16

Shade17 · 14/10/2022 18:08

Tell her to fuck off and die. What an utter cunt she is!

Calm down, dear.

babyyodaxmas · 14/10/2022 18:17

I think the pregnancy is highly relevant . Do any of the others have DCs ? 8 weeks pregnant is all the explanation you need to give.

anotheronenow · 14/10/2022 18:17

She's a mad bitch (self-centered much?) but more importantly, what's the really good gift?
[misses point]

Runningmouse · 14/10/2022 18:18

Honestly, I can see it from her perspective.

First, really, the sofa thing was on you. Since pretty much everyone is in shared accommodations (a dorm, a shared twin), I don't think the sofa bed is that much worse, and the sleeping arrangements were clearly communicated beforehand. You should have realized you'd end up on the sofa. YANBU to be unhappy with a sofa bed and preferring a (private) room, but you should have brought this up beforehand. Thinking you'd have one of the twin beds just based on the fact that she knows you prefer going to bed early is entitled.

From her perspective, you showed up a day late, reacted poorly to a situation you should have foreseen, left in a huff without waiting for her or saying hello, showed up for drinks but without making an effort to speak to her, and I can imagine you probably left early because you were tired, not in the mood to socialize, and because you still needed to travel to your new accommodation. Yes, disinviting you to the party today seems a real overreaction, but I wonder if you've maybe often been precious / entitled / snotty around her in the past, and this may have been just the last straw. You alone know this.

Also, she does not owe you for traveling all the way to France for her. That was your choice.

Hayliebells · 14/10/2022 18:19

YANBU. It's completely unreasonable to expect anyone to sleep on the sofa bed in the lounge. They're only really suitable for parents with small children tbh, when the children are in bed early, there's no way a sofa bed is appropriate for anyone when it's a big group of adults, she should have sorted accomodation that allowed you all to sleep in bedrooms. I'd have done the same as you, and your friend is a dickhead.

StupidSmallFruit · 14/10/2022 18:19

The pregnancy is not a red herring.

Of course she wants her own space, will be more tired, and not partying like everyone else, if she’s 8 weeks pregnant.

Totally fair enough not to want to tell people - but it certainly helps the OP’s cause.

Snowpatrolsnowpatrol · 14/10/2022 18:20

babyyodaxmas · 14/10/2022 18:17

I think the pregnancy is highly relevant . Do any of the others have DCs ? 8 weeks pregnant is all the explanation you need to give.

Nobody knows the OP is pregnant and let’s face it if she is so exhausted that she needs naps and down time, going to France for what was to be a big birthday piss up wasn’t a great decision.

Crappydoo · 14/10/2022 18:21

That can fuck right off. As can your 'friend'. And what in holy hell is a destination birthday??

doittwice · 14/10/2022 18:22

You don't need to explain or apologise for not wanting the shitty sofa bed in the communal area. I too would have booked a separate room. It's not as if you have charged her for that as well? She's a bitch. Enjoy the rest of your time with your friend and I hope you haven't booked the same flight as well on the way back? Avoid her from now on.

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 14/10/2022 18:23

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. If you’d booked the extra room and then sulked at BH because of it that would be different, but to just do it so you can crack on enjoying the break? No issue at all. BG probably feels like a dick for putting her pregnant teetotall mate on the rubbish bed and is over compensating out of awkwardness.

I’ve been away with good friends before when pregnant - I was one of the last to arrive and they had allocated me the only room to myself, away from the main living area and I had a double bed. On another occasion with the same friends there was a huge disparity between rooms- a couple of suites with en-suite bathrooms, and a dorm room with a few sets of bunk beds - so we split the cost proportionately and people could say if they preferred a cheaper / worse room, or a better / more expensive room. Dickish to expect someone in a shit bed in a communal space to pay the same as someone in a much better bed / room without giving them a day, especially if their personal situation means they will especially struggle with that.

diddl · 14/10/2022 18:25

I just assumed that the sofa bed is so crap in comparison that whoever got it would get a fair warning in advance. Especially as the three of us (in twin and on sofa) paid an equal share.

But the wouldn't the sensible thing been to have discussed taking a turn each on the sofa bed?

Did BG say that there was a sofa bed before she booked it giving people the option to say no to it?

MrsMontyD · 14/10/2022 18:26

Alvinne · 14/10/2022 16:01

She did mention the sofa bed at the point of booking, so I think YABU to have not clarified at that point what the sleeping arrangements would be. Sofa bed in a communal area would be my idea of hell too, so this would have rung alarm bells for me and I'd make it clear at the point of paying what my expectations are. However, YANBU to be miffed at her response to the situation, you don't seem to have inconvenienced her and un-inviting you from the party feels very petty. I'd be questioning the friendship and definitely returning the gift.

Absolutely this, you should have asked more questions, it would be a non starter for me as well and I'd have booked a separate room in the hotel from the beginning, on the understanding I'd socialise in the villa. It's obvious the last person to arrive is going to get the sofa bed unless it's clearly agreed in advance.

blubberyboo · 14/10/2022 18:26

it just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come

send this to her and explain as u have used your annual leave you won’t be leaving the locality

rookiemere · 14/10/2022 18:29

diddl · 14/10/2022 18:25

I just assumed that the sofa bed is so crap in comparison that whoever got it would get a fair warning in advance. Especially as the three of us (in twin and on sofa) paid an equal share.

But the wouldn't the sensible thing been to have discussed taking a turn each on the sofa bed?

Did BG say that there was a sofa bed before she booked it giving people the option to say no to it?

Yeah I'd rather not be using sheets that someone else has slept in.

It was obvious that someone would have to sleep on sofa bed. The initial invite from the friend even stated that, so not sure why it was big ole surprise to OP.

Confusion101 · 14/10/2022 18:33

To everyone saying its completely unreasonable to sleep on a sofa bed.... You do know all 5 people were made aware in advance that there was a master bedroom, a twin and a sofa bed.... So dunno where the fuck ye expect the 5th person to magically make a room with a bed appear out of.

I can see both your sides. I can see why she is upset, and I can also see why you think she was majorly overreacted! It's only you that can decide if your friendship is worth it. I've no doubt when u say all u have said here, that you are sorry for not waiting for her to return but were wrecked tired because u are pregnant and that u needed a nap in your own space, she will feel extremely stupid and realise how unreasonable she has been. If u want that, meet up with her in the UK. If u don't think she's worth it, don't!

TwiggletLover · 14/10/2022 18:36

I'm confused about whether you were expecting to have the twin room to yourself. If this is the case then YABU. Two people shouldn't be sharing a sofa bed so that you can have a room to yourself. Also you arrived a day late so of course you will get last pick.
However she's being ridiculous to ban you from the rest of the celebrations.

StupidSmallFruit · 14/10/2022 18:36

Crappydoo · 14/10/2022 18:21

That can fuck right off. As can your 'friend'. And what in holy hell is a destination birthday??

It’s going away on a holiday for a birthday celebration - is it really that difficult to figure out?

The OP was happy to go - she didn’t have to, if she didn’t want to - so not sure why it’s an issue for anyone else.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/10/2022 18:39

My AIBU is less about the sofa (which was context) and more about being disinvited to a party which I have traveled all this way to attend (at a rather large cost) and also her passive aggressive comment hinting that we might want to “move on” from this location which I thought was really rude.

To get this back on track. She shouldn't have disinvited you, and definitely shouldn't have told you to leave the area. That was very disrespectful of her. Did she even ask if the sofa bed was broken? No, I bet she didn't even check.

Enjoy your holiday with F, deal with the rude madam at home in your own time.

StupidSmallFruit · 14/10/2022 18:40

OP - did you really want to share a twin room with someone you don’t know?

I’m not suggesting the sofa bed was preferable - it’s not.

But sharing a twin room with someone you don’t know - especially if it means splitting up two work colleagues who do know each other - isn’t logical either.

The whole sleeping arrangements sound so bad, that I’m not even sure why you agreed to go in the first place.

And tell us more about the dorm the men are staying in - all of them in the same room, including your mate who doesn’t know anyone….?

Original poster
NotWelcomeAtParties · 14/10/2022 18:40

If you're not annoyed about the sofa per se, did you address the impact you and your friend baling would have on everyone else's costs

we didn’t ask for a refund for a our share of costs and didn’t expect it.

OP posts:
Legrandsophie · 14/10/2022 18:40

People concentrating on the sofa bed are missing the point.

Who disinvites people from a birthday party that they have travelled hundreds of miles to attend and then essentially tells them to get out of town? I can understand being a bit miffed that OP didn’t want to sleep on the sofa and got another room- totally reasonable.

Why pull the nuclear pin immediately? Massive over reaction.