To have refused to take nephew out for the day?

[iz92]

Nephew is 15, y11, he hasn't done a full week at school this academic year with having one day off a week or attending one day and having the rest of the week off, he attended 4 days last week, had the Friday off and has so far had the whole of this week off, his parents don't seem to care, in their defence he did skip school Monday and Tuesday but yesterday he said he didn't want to go for no particular reason, and the same today. When he doesn't go he just stays in bed on his devices (which I wouldn't allow but I'm not his parent!).

Today, I'm going to take DD to a trampoline park, as she only attends nursery a few days a week and she's off today, his mum has asked if I can take him along as he'd enjoy it, I've said no as he should be at school and that'd be rewarding him for not attending and its half term soon so he can go then. BIL spoke to DH and DH has said I'm BU as I know nephew struggles with his anxiety which is probably why he isn't going, I disagree as yes I understand he has anxiety but I think he isn't going as he finds staying at home more fun.


AIBU?

[worriedatthistime]

@BackToNormalish no but they are off with an illness you still get the shitty messages from school about fines as well
School refusal is difficult as for some it will be a real battle and struggle and for some it will be a real case of just can't be arsed
My own nephew never went and got to just sit hime and play on his playstation
I don't see how that helped him
If a child refuses to go to school surely they still need to be doing some work or working on or through issues somehow , not having a day out

[worriedatthistime]

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair does he do school work at all or any if the curriculum ?

[dirtyasadustpanlid]

@JennyForeigner2

I doubt that the OP will bring up her children to truant though, so it’s something if a moot point.

Let’s be honest here, it’s generally not the children of people who value education who end up refusing to go.

And as for you @JennyForeigner2 let's be honest here, you are a mad scone and you need to drag your smug and self righteous carcass right back under that stone you have been living under.

And stay there.

[NImumconfused]

@BackToNormalish

@nlmumconfused - they're on 20mg (built up from 10mg starting about 4 months ago). It has made a positive difference. Not huge, but they are more communicative and eating a bit more.

They're also on melatonin which has helped, although still constantly exhausted. Might be worth a try. I couldn't get the GP to prescribe either, until the pyschiatrist wrote a letter of request.

They're nowhere near trampoline park trip requests, but I live in hope

@BackToNormalish Thank you. We've tried melatonin already and unfortunately it didn't work for her, but if the psychiatrist is willing to offer fluoxetine sounds like it might be worth a shot. The garden is about as far as DD gets at the moment.

Best of luck to you and your DC.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

Of course yanbu

This is a day out for your toddler/ preschooler, a tiny child, not for a teenager. It completely changes the dynamic. It’s not for you to sort his anxiety, it’s for his parents. Certainly not at the expense of quality time with your very little one.

[aSofaNearYou]

@b8tes7sw

Sounds like the kids needs support. You should be over the moon he WANTS to go and spend time with you and your DD at 15. Help him find his path. It's not just the parents job....

Well it IS just the parents job, isn't it. It's a big ask for a day out with a preschooler to suddenly become about helping a 15 year old "find his way".

[OneWildNightWithJBJ]

Some of these responses clearly show we are nowhere near understanding mental health issues.

My nearly 15-year-old DS has barely been to school for two and a half years. He is autistic, as many children who can’t manage school are, and has high anxiety. He has spent much of this time in bed. I spend up to eight hours a day trying to get him up. Nothing, absolutely nothing, works.

If anyone dares tell me it’s a parenting issue, well, they are welcome to come and experience a day with me. I had to give up my job as a teacher (yep, I absolutely do value education) to help him. Being threatened with prosecution doesn’t do much to help our family’s stress.

I personally wouldn’t take my DS to a trampoline park, but unless you’re living through it, you have no idea what might help a child.

Please, some people on here, just have a bit of understanding.

[BackToNormalish]

@worriedatthistime - not sure why you're tagging me, I absolutely believe anxiety based issues are a "real" illness and shouldn't be considered truanting.

[worriedatthistime]

@Wereeaglesdare this is the thing isn't it, there a def genuine kids with real issues but also those who see others do it so why not them
But surely you would be home learning if not able to go to school at least so qualifications can be got later on
My nephew is now mid 20's no job and no prospects as he just got no gCSE's or college or work experience since not attending school from 14 and now he wants to work so has an uphill battle

[BackToNormalish]

@BackToNormalish

@worriedatthistime - not sure why you're tagging me, I absolutely believe anxiety based issues are a "real" illness and shouldn't be considered truanting.

Sorry, have read your message properly, but think your sample size of one really isn't enough to tar all children with anxiety with the same brush.

[worriedatthistime]

@BackToNormalish which I never did but I don't think its right to be having days out when not at school either , unless for a purpose and a trampoline park is not
What if all kids just refused school where would we be then
I suffer from anxiety so i know what it is and how it can affect you but if going to school makes you anxious then I don't think staying home playing computer games with no school work at all is the answer as how does that set someone up for later in life

[BackToNormalish]

Nlmumconfused - definitely worth a try. I hear you on the safe house habitat. It saddens me to see that all the things she used to do and enjoy have become completely out of reach for her at present.

We made it to the school site today, but she couldn't get out of the car. I'm an old school take no shit mum, my other two will testify to that, but there's no way I could force her to go in.

Someone mentioned the not fine in school Fb page up thread. I saw some posts on there where they had put activity trackers on their children and the impact on their heart rates when an anxiety attack hit (going into school etc.) was almost unbelievable. If that isn't enough evidence that they aren't faking, then I'm not sure what is.

[thaegumathteth]

I wouldn't take him either. I have suffered anxiety my whole life and I find avoidance of stressful situations is absolutely the worst thing to do.

[worriedatthistime]

@BackToNormalish but does your child do work at home if not going to school
I get going into school can be hard for some but what about working at home ? Its a shame we don't have more smaller centres for some to work from as working in a small group of 5/6 maybe or more support working from hime as may easier for some kids
The one system fits all approach doesn't really work
But I can't see how a kid being home all day playing a pc etc and doing no work is helping them long term either

[BackToNormalish]

@worriesatthistime - I was you about three years ago.

But now, given that my child takes pretty much no pleasure in any activities at all, whether that's socialising, watching tv, reading etc. I don't think the answer is to take away one of the few things that brings them happiness.

I'm all about education, my eldest is at university and wants to be a teacher, my youngest got 120/120 on two of their SATS subjects and 118 on the other (nothing to do with me really, they're just smart). But, the middle one has been put together in a different way and if she doesn't get the right exams results in Y11 or 12 or whenever, it'll be ok as long as she is able to start living life. At this point exams results don't matter, making sure she doesn't want to end it all does.

[Sirzy]

@worriedatthistime

@BackToNormalish but does your child do work at home if not going to school
I get going into school can be hard for some but what about working at home ? Its a shame we don't have more smaller centres for some to work from as working in a small group of 5/6 maybe or more support working from hime as may easier for some kids
The one system fits all approach doesn't really work
But I can't see how a kid being home all day playing a pc etc and doing no work is helping them long term either

If an adult is off sick from work with poor mental health would you expect them to be working from home?

[WombOfOnesOwn]

The worst thing for anxiety is to have it catered to. Reinforcing anxiety by shaping your life around it makes it worse, not better. Anxiety interventions that actually succeed with children and adults are based in NOT "accommodating" the behavior.

For real help: chadd.org/attention-article/space-a-parent-based-intervention-for-reducing-childhood-anxiety/

[BackToNormalish]

They are scheduled to do an hour twice a week on-site and four one hour online one to one sessions with a tutor.

We maybe managed one onsite visit and 3 online. This is done in conjunction with other weekly challenges like waking alone to the shop, going out with the dog, maybe taking a bus to the next town with their siblings. All of these are hit and miss and sometimes the fallout afterwards, when a full blow panic attack hits makes it harder for them to try next time.

[BackToNormalish]

@WombOfOnesOwn

The worst thing for anxiety is to have it catered to. Reinforcing anxiety by shaping your life around it makes it worse, not better. Anxiety interventions that actually succeed with children and adults are based in NOT "accommodating" the behavior.

For real help: chadd.org/attention-article/space-a-parent-based-intervention-for-reducing-childhood-anxiety/

I agree, which is why we set challenges to allow them to "flex their anxiety muscle" and work out which coping stategies work and which don't.

But, it's not an overnight process and making out like parents of absent children are just allowing their kids to lounge around all day doesn't help.

[worriedatthistime]

@BackToNormalish well hopefully she does find happiness again in all she used to do as someone who suffers from mh who had a real setback you can get your life back with the right support but sadly not enough of that support is around and hard enough seeking it as an adult let alone for kids
But their is some like my nephew who did everything else just didn't see why he should do school as he didn't like it and preferred his friends and xbox and refused to go
Situations like your dd are very different and you are trying to help her unlike my sil who really just sat back
Needs to be more help around for kids MH

[worriedatthistime]

@BackToNormalish def not an overnight process it took me several months and working with a therapist and cbt to get back to my normal , but its a lifetime of checking in on yourself as such
Really hope things work for you and you sound like a great supportive mum to have

[EilonwyWithRedGoldHair]

@DenholmElliot1

YANBU.

The cure for anxiety is to do the thing you're anxious about. And if thats not appealing, he can get medicated.

Tried that with flying. Spent a lot of the holiday recovering from the stress or getting stressed about the flight home, to the point I missed out on an activity I would normally have enjoyed because I was having panic attacks.

It was pregnant our fault for flying with Ryan Air, but I haven't been on a plane again since and I'm even more anxious about it now.

(I'm also on medication for more general anxiety)

[BackToNormalish]

@worriedatthistime

@BackToNormalish well hopefully she does find happiness again in all she used to do as someone who suffers from mh who had a real setback you can get your life back with the right support but sadly not enough of that support is around and hard enough seeking it as an adult let alone for kids
But their is some like my nephew who did everything else just didn't see why he should do school as he didn't like it and preferred his friends and xbox and refused to go
Situations like your dd are very different and you are trying to help her unlike my sil who really just sat back
Needs to be more help around for kids MH

I think each situation is different and should be considered as such. In the same way as not all benefits claimants should be classed as scroungers or work shy. The vast majority in each of those scenarios are in need of help.

Unfortunately, with regards mental health for youngsters, it's not an easy process. Especially for kids over 12 and under 16/18. You may be surprised to find out it's easier for adults to be treated for mental health issues than children.

I've had to be a really, really strong advocate for my child to access the support they've had to date. My initial experience with CAHMS this week was beyond farcical and I'm debating about making an official compliant. If I find dealing with CAHMS tough, I can only imagine how some other parents,who may be less confident, get lost in the system.

[BackToNormalish]

@worriedatthistime

@BackToNormalish def not an overnight process it took me several months and working with a therapist and cbt to get back to my normal , but its a lifetime of checking in on yourself as such
Really hope things work for you and you sound like a great supportive mum to have

Thanks for your good wishes, glad to hear you're feeling better and long may it continue.

We're about 14 months into dual counselling and CBT, it's a slow old process.

[Mooloolabababy]

Fuck, what a depressing thread!
Dc had crippling anxiety, it's not so crippling now after 2 rounds of counselling, but the smallest thing can set her back.
She was a school refuser, which dh and I found very hard to deal with. We were in constant communication with her school to get her back in on a reduced timetable. It was exhausting, upsetting and really took its toll on our family.
She wouldn't attend school but she would attend friends parties and her out of school activities. These were the few things she enjoyed and kept her sociable and I wasn't going to stop her from doing them.
There is no logic to crippling anxiety and yes that's very frustrating. One day things are fine, the next day they are awful, there is no snapping out of it.
Can't belief the intolerance on this thread.