To have refused to take nephew out for the day?

[iz92]

Nephew is 15, y11, he hasn't done a full week at school this academic year with having one day off a week or attending one day and having the rest of the week off, he attended 4 days last week, had the Friday off and has so far had the whole of this week off, his parents don't seem to care, in their defence he did skip school Monday and Tuesday but yesterday he said he didn't want to go for no particular reason, and the same today. When he doesn't go he just stays in bed on his devices (which I wouldn't allow but I'm not his parent!).

Today, I'm going to take DD to a trampoline park, as she only attends nursery a few days a week and she's off today, his mum has asked if I can take him along as he'd enjoy it, I've said no as he should be at school and that'd be rewarding him for not attending and its half term soon so he can go then. BIL spoke to DH and DH has said I'm BU as I know nephew struggles with his anxiety which is probably why he isn't going, I disagree as yes I understand he has anxiety but I think he isn't going as he finds staying at home more fun.


AIBU?

[cansu]

Read lightlypoached's post. A sensible and thoughtful response.

[Beautiful3]

I wouldn't have taken him either. You don't reward truancy.

[Fancylike]

YANBU, it’s a day you’ve planned with your daughter.

From what you’ve said, the teen doesn’t actually have anxiety if he hasn’t been diagnosed, sounds like being anxious, which everyone experiences. The parents are not helping him at all by not getting him to a doctor to see if there is something going on with his mental health. And from the description, also a little slack and gaming his parents because they let him.

My cousin was the same, would bunk off school because then he could watch tv in bed, play long games on the computer, and raid the cupboards. He would say he was feeling too upset to go to school, but also refused to see a dr who would see through the act, and ended up failing high school. He’s now a lazy adult who doesn’t work because claiming benefits and smoking pot all day is easier. Still not diagnosed with anything but will claim anxiety, bi polar, autism, etc to try to get out of the required job search for the dole.

And before those with school refuser children jump on me, your kids all appear to have seen health care professionals and been diagnosed. This teenager won’t and hasn’t, and it’s problematic to start assigning him actual mental health issues.

[GloriousGlory]

@CouldBeOuting

Having had a child with severe anxiety I agree with OP. My child was never rewarded for school refusal. Supported yes. Punished no. BUT rewards were for good behaviour only. Around here if you are out with a school aged child you may well get stopped by a PCSO asking why the child isn’t in school - quite rightly IMO.

Really?

[aSofaNearYou]

I mean even setting aside the schooling issue, it's bizarre that they would ask you to take a 15 year old on a day out with your nursery aged child and kick off when you said no.

But yes, I also agree with you that however you handle school refusal, it shouldn't involve planning fun day trips for times he's supposed to be at school.

[CouldBeOuting]

@GloriousGlory

Really?

Yes really! Especially at places where truanting kids like to hang out - like trampoline parks…..

[BackToNormalish]

And using the word "truancy" is also a misnomer.

If a child is off school due to another medical issue, would if be considered truancy?

It's offensive to label this type of absence as truancy.

[Notanotherwindow]

The school doesn't need to set work, there are plenty of home education resources online. Use them. If he really can't manage school, fine, he would need to show me that he can keep up with the curriculum at home. Not titting about on his phone all day. There's anxiety and then there's taking the piss.

[youagainomg]

I wouldn't of taken him either.

[BackToNormalish]

And one more point - it's not that easy to get an official diagnosis of anxiety. As mentioned previously the wait list is 2 years in this area. Are children just supposed to pretend they aren't anxious until CAHMS are finally able to see them?!

Luckily for my daughter I have private healthcare and was able to access the services she needs, but I appreciate we are in a vanishingly small minority.

[KatMcBundleFace]

He clearly needs support, but that's definitely not taking him trampolining instead of school.

Don't listen to the people bullying you about it.

[NImumconfused]

@BackToNormalish bit off topic but can I ask how your child has got on with fluoxetine? DD was on sertraline but had to come off it due to side effects, and camhs said fluoxetine might be an option.

[Sirzy]

You can tell the people who have had no dealings with paediatric mental health services!

i was lucky that Ds was already under CAMHs when he hit crisis point. Still had to fight for support (crisis teams advise of “lock away sharp things and medication” was oh so helpful!). He is now stable ish so
of course they are now trying to reduce his access to what’s helped - not the workers but the management who have never met him!

we are lucky that a CAMHs nurse made sure he was referred for medication and we have had wonderful school support. That’s often not the case though.

[TigerRag]

@Fancylike

YANBU, it’s a day you’ve planned with your daughter.

From what you’ve said, the teen doesn’t actually have anxiety if he hasn’t been diagnosed, sounds like being anxious, which everyone experiences. The parents are not helping him at all by not getting him to a doctor to see if there is something going on with his mental health. And from the description, also a little slack and gaming his parents because they let him.

My cousin was the same, would bunk off school because then he could watch tv in bed, play long games on the computer, and raid the cupboards. He would say he was feeling too upset to go to school, but also refused to see a dr who would see through the act, and ended up failing high school. He’s now a lazy adult who doesn’t work because claiming benefits and smoking pot all day is easier. Still not diagnosed with anything but will claim anxiety, bi polar, autism, etc to try to get out of the required job search for the dole.

And before those with school refuser children jump on me, your kids all appear to have seen health care professionals and been diagnosed. This teenager won’t and hasn’t, and it’s problematic to start assigning him actual mental health issues.

Just because he hasn't been diagnosed, doesn't make it any less valid.

[bjjgirl]

As someone who suffers with crippling anxiety I completely agree with you, he needs support and boundaries not a day out when he should be in school

[Trying2310]

Let’s be honest here, it’s generally not the children of people who value education who end up refusing to go.
@JennyForeigner2

What an ignorant comment. I am a teacher who values education very much, but have a school refuser with ASD and crippling anxiety.

I suggest you educate yourself since you harp on about how you value education!

[Sirzy]

For those who are struggling with school based anxiety then this is a fantastic resource notfineinschool.co.uk

[Wereeaglesdare]

Do you know what will cause massive anxiety? Looking around at 18 seeing all your friends going to uni or going on to be interested in trades and having no grades to do those things. His parents are setting him up for crippling anxiety and as I'm sure we have all experienced the sick cycle when you don't go in it only heightens the anxiety. So I think it is BS. His parents are enabling him to ruin his own life unless he has some amazing skill he can fall back on which it doesn't sound like he would have the dedication for.

[worriedatthistime]

Support is not taking him for. Day out though

[dirtyasadustpanlid]

@unusuallad

YANBU

At 15, anxiety about WHAT?

Even if he does have anxiety, he has to get on with it. Anxiety is COMPLETELY natural but you have to push through it / find ways of coping or you will get nowhere in life.

What is being mollycoddled by his parents teaching him in terms of coping with life? He will not be tolerated in further education or the workforce with this attitude unfortunately.

Absolute idiotic, uneducated, crass and nasty post.

Imagine having you as a parent if you were a child with anxiety. It doesn't bear thinking about. Bellend comment.

[BackToNormalish]

@nlmumconfused - they're on 20mg (built up from 10mg starting about 4 months ago). It has made a positive difference. Not huge, but they are more communicative and eating a bit more.

They're also on melatonin which has helped, although still constantly exhausted. Might be worth a try. I couldn't get the GP to prescribe either, until the pyschiatrist wrote a letter of request.

They're nowhere near trampoline park trip requests, but I live in hope

[worriedatthistime]

My neohew also refused school as he preferred to play his play station, sil never tried that hard and the fact that most if his life he had no boundaries no one could see maybe thats why he didn't go
I get some kids really have a tough time with school but then they should be at home working at least not in a trampoline park and his parents should be working on how to help him

[b8tes7sw]

Sounds like the kids needs support. You should be over the moon he WANTS to go and spend time with you and your DD at 15. Help him find his path. It's not just the parents job....

[EilonwyWithRedGoldHair]

@OriginalUsername3

Letting your kid stay in bed playing computer games all day does help his anxiety at all. It's just lazy parenting.

I have a 9 year old school refuser, suspected ASD, definitely massive problems with anxiety. He plays games/watches YouTube channels most of the day because a. he uses them to regulate his emotions and without them will have huge meltdowns and b. DH and I need to work, luckily we both WFH and can tag team when DS needs more attention, but it is hard.

If you've not been in this situation you have no idea what it's like. And we have phoned everybody for help, we've been told we have essentially done everything we can, we've been praised for our level of engagement with services. And now DS is on a bunch of waiting lists.