To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

I think it depends a lot on her and your relationship with her, it's not a blanket you should or shouldn't speak to her about it. We had a similar case in the extended family (only much, much bigger, well over 30 stone) and when his mother tried to address it with him - in a concerned, how can I help type way, not at all judgemental, he went no contact with that whole side of the family for 2 years. He hasn't seen any medical professionals in years because he knows they will bring his weight up. So we just don't talk about it to him at all, because he's not in the place to listen. If you get on well with her and think she would be open to hearing the message, then you might have more luck. But, as pp have said, try to offer something constructive that you can do to help rather than come across as telling her she needs to lose weight without any suggestions. And speak about your concerns over her health rather than how she looks or how it impacts her parenting.

Same with alcoholism, smoking, drugs..

I'm a support worker and one of my ladies is 30 stone. I get her walking, take her to healthy groups (she wants to lose the weight, I didn't bring it up) but we can't control what others put in their mouths, how much exercise they do when we're not with them, or the past issues that make them comfort eat.. no matter how much of a kind listening ear we give to them.
The switch has to go off.

I'm obese.

No-one needs to tell me. Or comment on my food /diet. I know. And I hate myself for it.

Outwardly I joke about it but inwardly I hate it.

But I can't seem to do much about it as it's so complicated from a bio-psycho-social viewpoint and I can't face the therapy that would be needed.

It's really not as simple as calories in and calories out (well it is but modifying that isn't simple). I"m reasonably fit - I exercise and I try to be careful about my diet, I don't drink much but I work hideous hours, have regularly disturbed sleep due to work and was brought up as a child to reward myself with sugar.

It's hard and external comments aren't helpful and make me resentful.

I disagree. Whenever I put on weight it's comments that give me motivation to lose. I was called a pudding by a family member recently. I was a pudding. So I lost stone and a half, another half stone to go. Not mentally scarred

I'm glad that insults and unkindness haven't caused you any distress, but I wouldn't recommend them as a go-to approach for sensitive subjects.

Would you do a Zumba class with her ? Frame it as something you want to do with her

But it was true. Wasn't said to be unkind

It sounds like you put on a bit of weight and then lose it. This is a very different thing to being long term morbidly obese.

The two things need very different approaches to tackle them, diet and exercise won't cut it there needs to be a focus on mental and emotional health.

How can the Dd go for a walk when she struggles getting out of a car and walking to the front door.

of course you must say something. But more along the lines of noticing how out of breath she is getting and how she is struggling. Maybe suggest the doctor for full blood works to see if there isn’t an underlying condition

If her Dh is also overweight it is getting them both on board to eat healthily and change their life style.

If she is as big as you say then her dd won’t be going on days out to theme parks or even the park if she is struggling that much.

Say nothing as you have been doing and nothing will change.

Mention it once, plant the seed then step back as it all has to come from her

I think it's pointless mentioning it to her. It'll probably just hurt her.

She'll know what size she is and she'll want to lose weight but doesn't have the drive or motivation or will feel like the hill is too steep to climb.

I agree. And I'm not saying that she should be told the same as I was, but I just don't think "she knows she is overweight, don't say anything" is always helpful. And sometimes another perspective can be the catapult to change

Obesity is one of the biggest risk factors for cancer (www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/causes-of-cancer/obesity-weight-and-cancer/does-obesity-cause-cancer keeping a healthy weight would prevent 23k cancers per year in the uk... Google it you'll find lots of information).

Theres very little on routine blood tests that would show up as abnormal in an obese patient, so I certainly wouldn't take false reassurance from it. Beyond diabetes and cholesterol I can't think of much you would be able to find. Imaging such as ct or liver ultrasound would be a different story with morbid obesity

Op sorry its a difficult path to tread down, I personally would address it but it needs to be sensitively. Things like joint swimming walks etc may help

Tailor words to suit!!

Leave it alone OP unless an opportunity presents itself naturally to bring her weight up.

Name calling wouldn't work for most people, whatever the intention. I'm glad it did you no harm but it's a high risk approach and really not recommended.

Not through a parent saying that they are concerned about their health when they weigh twenty-six stone in their twenties, that’s for sure.

You don’t even know that she has an eating disorder by the way. This pathological need to find a diagnosis for every sort of behaviour is a bit weird. Maybe she just really loves her pies and chips. When DH put on 30+ kg there was no eating disorder involved, he just stopped exercising any self-restraint at all and enjoyed eating and drinking too much.

Can you drop them off lots of home cooked meals? May limit the take aways from fatigue from baby? I have batch cook tons of food else I'd just eat junk as no motivation to cook after 13h day

Have been very fat. Am still pretty fat, but not as fat as I was.

At my largest, when I was dealing with acres of awful stuff in my life, including my weight being really bad, I had a 'friend' tell me how concerned she was for me about my weight.

It was awful and just made me feel like I could no longer talk to her honestly or openly about anything. She wasn't concerned about why I was that size, just that I was that size. As I lost weight and saw her reaction to it, I realised she wasn't really concerned with how I was as a person, inside myself, but with how I looked. Because I was still the same person with the same internal problems which she cared nothing about, just in a slightly more socially acceptable package.

Obviously, as your DD's mother you're concerned about her as an overall person, not just the fatness. But focusing on the fatness first could well be counterproductive.

Your daughter knows she's overweight and knows the health risks and consequences that accompany that. (There is NO way she didn't hear about that during her pregnancy and antenatal appointments.) Even if you're genuinely concerned, adding your voice to what seems like the daily chorus of disapproval will just make her less likely to talk to you about it honestly, and close off yet another avenue of support and love when she needs it most.

As her mother, why don't you talk to her and see how she's doing with everything else - children, motherhood, partner & relationship, work, friends, self, mental health? You might find that she brings up the weight issue itself as part of that and then you can be helpful and supportive in the way that she needs, whether it is about getting counselling for underlying issues or support with weight management.

Clinically obese woman here. I'm nearly 45, with a heart condition. There is cancer and heart disease in the family. I have a bit of arthritis in my foot following a break. My knees f*cking hurt. I work in a job that requires some activity but it's not constant, and I work shifts.

My GP, my husband (who is also fat) and my parents have all been concerned for me for decades. All of them have said their piece. When I had my baby early I had complications owing to my weight. The obstetrician said I was a challenge. It was my only baby, 16 years ago. I didn't risk having another.

And despite all this, al, the dangers to my life, limits to my mobility, the drugs I have to take for my heart, the nagging, the warnings from HCPs I still carried on with living my life not GAF.

I don't know kilos, but I had 8 stone to lose. My GP said, we need to prescribe you blood thinners. What? Because of your risk of stroke. WHAT? Also, the only way your foot & knees are going to get better is IF YOU GO ON A DIET.

I still didn't want to go on a diet and exercise. Despite the blood test results and the pains and the ongoing stuff I learned to put up with. I liked the food and slobbing about.

Do you think my mother "having a chat" would have made any difference? Nope it would not have.

The thing that changed for me was buying some scales and standing on them. When they said I was nearly 19 stone I had a word with myself. I thought, this cannot go on. So I stopped eating crap and started to move more. Lost a stone in a month. Now losing 2lb a week. Walking more, cycling to work. I look like a fat heifer on that bike but the endorphins are great. I hate gyms, and exercise classes, can't abide them. But if I'm going somewhere or need something, I walk or bike it.

You can talk to your DD until you are red in the face, but she will not listen to you. It has to be up to her. It's like giving up cigarettes or drink. She has to find her motivation and the strength to stick with it. Mine is reduce my pain. Not the heart problem or the risk of cancer, but just to not feel my knees hurting when I climb the stairs or getting foot pain after a long walk. I feel like I have more energy, which is addictive of course. But 30 years of nagging did F**K ALL to help me. I had to decide to do it FOR MYSELF.

I agree with this. The complete refusal to discuss excess weight (even when it starts to noticeably affect someone‘s fitness) is strange.

Yes, it is a very sensitive issue. Yes, shaming doesn’t help and actually has the opposite effect.
But OP isn‘t talking about shaming.

Her daughter is in her late twenties and gets out of breath walking the short distance between her car and her house, it’s understandable the OP gets worried.

I‘ve been overweight before - I know how vulnerable and defensive one can feel when someone mentions one‘s weight. But I also know how one can be in denial about it.

„She knows she‘s overweight“ - I‘ve personally found that sometimes you might know it but chose to ignore it/ hope it’s not too obvious. I‘ve felt like that before. Sometimes a gentle conversation can be the wake-up call needed.

Are you able to say why she is overweight? Obviously the simple answer is she eats too much and exercises too little, but there are important variations within that: unhealthy meal choice, inability to cook, no portion control, continual grazing, particular weaknesses amongst otherwise healthy choices etc. Also what drives it: lack of self-confidence, lack of care, trying to compensate for something etc.
I think helping her identify in more detail will help you know how to address it, although I think it definitely should be addressed.
She will know she's overweight and that knowledge does not become more painful if you open up communication about it.
I have struggled with weight in the past, and also developed an eating disorder, and was hospitalised a long time ago in different country for it. What really helped me is the knowledge that a good diet equates to good health which is the ultimate reward. Rewarding yourself with cake or overeating is a contradiction in terms. People deserve to be rewarded with good health.

You know her best, it maybe that a word from you will kick start her, but unless you are sure I would wait for your DD to mention it and then be ready to offer whatever she needs in terms of encouragement and support.

It must be very worrying, it sounds like she is gaining weight very quickly. Can you suggest she gets her thyroid checked, and at least get her to see a health professional to discuss the risks to her health.

I could literally be your daughter except I'm 5 years older, we've followed the same pattern and amount of weight gain.

I'm also bubbly and outwardly happy but on the inside I'm broken. I can't complain about my life, but anxiety and to an extent a bit of depression rule my mind. No one would choose to be this size but food is the only comfort I find. My dh and look like we have a wonderful relationship but I feel alone, my job is monotonous and tiring, parenting is (amazing but) exhausting and I just have no energy left.

I wouldn't come at this from a weight perspective but a mental health one,

I'm so sorry, this is so tough. I was an overweight young person (and am now an overweight adult). My mum was very concerned for me and went on about it a fair bit. I don't think I ever appreciated how she felt or the fact she tried to help.

As an adult I have looked into weight loss a lot (and I mean A LOT). i am still overweight and still on that journey to health. However, on the way I have developed Type 2 Diabetes.

Your concerns are very real. I just hope you find the right way to talk to your daughter.

I think she probably knows she's overweight.

You telling her will achieve precisely nothing apart from upsetting her.