To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

Parmesam I do know how you feel. My mum nagging did not help me.

But I also know, as a parent myself with two kids who have both put on weight during lockdown, that it is hard not to point things out!

I am afraid I do not have any answers but I do also have a bad knee due to arthritis and Parmesam I would be interested to hear how your weight loss is going.

My mother - who has never let herself get overweight and has no idea how daunting and difficult it is to lose a large amount of weight - has tried to discuss my weight with me. And it made no difference because you have to want to lose weight for yourself. As PP have said, the switch has to flick. The things that flicked it for me had zero to do with her interventions.

IME trying to frame it as concern may make it worse. My mother always went down the route of “I’m so worried about you.” It is all too easy for that to come across as making the overweight person’s problems all about you, or trying to guilt trip them into losing weight by telling them how miserable their weight is making you.

I eventually told my mother to stop it. When I told her some time later I had lost 1.5 stone and was doing slimming world she started texting me every week at the time of my meeting wanting to know if I’ve lost. She thinks she’s being supportive but it’s a fucking nuisance quite frankly. There is such a thing as support trolling and in reality (for her at least) it’s just a way of nagging me while telling herself she is helping.

She knows she's overweight and struggles with it. I have been overweight and it's hard - to move, to lose it and the comments off people so this needs careful handling.
i think mentioning her weight could upset her, and best handled by offering to help so she can go for a walk.

suggest joining a gym / class that you can do together, or signing up to a weight loss group together.

Maybe start by addressing her breathing difficulties rather than her weight. She will be aware of her size, as us bigger ladies tend to be (and if we weren't, the number in the back of our knickers is a daily reminder). I know I need to lose 8-9 stones, and it's entirely down to eating as I exercise for at least an hour six days a week, but the reasons behind each person's overeating are many and complex.

I wouldn't. I bet she has mirrors at home, and she knows what she looks like. My sister was always the chubby type, and my mum told her so many hurtful things and got angry because she didn't fit in the prom dress my mum chose for her. Sick!

Tricky. You are right to be wary of raising the topic with her, but you also want to show your support. Did she suffer from PND at all? I wonder if she was comfort eating as a result. It's not good that she has loads of chocolates and biscuits around the house as one can only give in to temptation if it's there. How is her DD? I'd be concerned that she might be eating too much high calorie food and if a child is overweight other children can be such bullies. I wouldn't raise it directly with her, but just make it clear if there's ever anything she wants to discuss you are there for her. She will find it difficult to lose weight unless she really wants to, and if there is something troubling her, that might be the root cause that needs to be addressed.

Some of the responses on this post are so strange. OP isn't suggesting letting her daughter in on the big family secret that she happens to be fat as if she doesn't already know, she's not coming from an angle of aesthetics and she's not suggesting that she thinks she can magically fix anything by discussing it with her.

This is the womans mother, and clearly a caring one. If she has concerns about anything to do with her daughters well being I don't see why she can't raise it with her from the absolutely pure aspect of a worried Mum. As a PP said, if it was in relation to anything else nobody would be suggesting to just leave her to it. It's really sad if a Mum can't express a gentle concern to her own DD, but I suspect in this case the daughter won't be as offended as some of you are.

A 29 year old who can't walk from the car to the door without getting breathless is genuinely ill and on track to shorten their life substantially, not just a bit overweight. I do think it can creep up on people though - a lot of people who struggle with daily activity due to their size or fitness tell themselves that it's normal to e.g. get out of breath walking upstairs, when it really isn't.

I think it's reasonable for a parent to be concerned, just as they would be concerned if their daughter's periods stopped because of disordered eating in the other direction.

OP - I think you should have a conversation with her, but I'd make it about the symptoms you're observing (her breathlessless etc.). Also discuss what you might be able to do to support her in improving her health.

Exercise is unlikely to be helpful at this point, because if she struggles to walk a few metres, she won't really able to go for a walk or do a gym class. So tackling diet will need to be the first step, then exercise.

It's hard though, not an easy conversation to have. She has a very long road to recovery ahead, or potentially surgery.

Tricky, my Mum brought up my weight gain recently. Let me tell you, it did not go down well. I weigh 11 stone, and have no health issues though, it’s just that for years I’ve weighed around 9.5 stone. I know I’ve put on weight and my old clothes don’t fit, I don’t need my own Mum mentioning it to me. So definitely don’t open with ‘ I’ve noticed you have put on weight recently. I think the health aspect is the way to go, ie I’ve noticed you seem out of breath, struggling with the stairs etc. Maybe you could have a conversation with her husband to see what’s going on?

Pay for surgery?

I am going to look at this from a different angle for you. As a child of a seriously obese mum 28st obese I can tell you how it impacted my childhood, she couldn't do anything with us. As a result she has many health conditions and still can't do anything my friends mother's do with or for them. It's tragic. To say I'm angry with her for being so selfish is an understatement.
I've struggled with my weight, I'm not in denial about it and very aware but there is no way in hell would let it get to point where I can't do things with my children. Have a chat with her but make it about her health and wanting her to do things with her children and live a long and healthy life. It's a tough conversation, she will need support and there will be underlying issues to to why she overeats that need to be resolved also.

I have two obese friends and I would not bring up their weight with them. However, if you are attentive, most people do mention their concerns about themselves. As they fully know what weight they, however doing something about it is extremely difficult. A programme I watched recently said that it would be almost impossible for some obese people to lose weight by themselves, and that specialist support from the GP was necessary who could refer them.

I think in a way you’ve been dancing around this issue when she was a teenager. 12 - 14 is overweight and in a sense, do you think you would have reacted if someone told you that your child was overweight and you should intervene as a parent? This is decades of ignoring an issue so it’s unlikely to be solved in one conversation.

However you can be supportive. And you don’t have to ignore the issue as that’s not always helpful. But you could find out the best way to help her by researching some online groups. Perhaps the best way is for her, when or if she makes the decision to tackle her weight, that she has parents who love and care about her, all aspects of her life.

I don't tell my mum how heavy I am anymore. She just knows how much I've lost. She cooks me healthy veggie meals when I visit.

I've slowed down a lot but I need to up my exercise quite a bit so I'm working on that. I've also eaten a lot of carbs over the last 2 weeks so I need to cut that out pronto. My husband equates carb-heavy low-fat foods as good for me. I disagree, I need less carbs, more veg and more protein. He keeps trying to give me pasta and couscous. I say, please, only a tiny a bit but he's so used to cooking a certain way. It's an uphill struggle. He needs carbs to burn off at work. I don't, and end up too stuffed and suffering heartburn. So it's not just my mum, it's him as well, yet he tells me I should be doing better

@EasterIssland I'm not sure you understand what a risk factor is. It doesn't mean that obese people are the only ones getting cancer.
Risk factors are the things that increase your risk of something happening.
High BP is a risk factor for heart disease.
High cholesterol is a risk factor for having a stroke
Etc etc
Obesity is a risk factor for developing, among other things, cancer.
It means that if you are obese you are more likely to develop cancer than someone exactly the same as you but who isn't obese.

I would have a word and be clear you are worried about her and would like to offer any support you can. One of my morbidly obese friends died suddenly from heart attack in middle age leaving two kids behind. My middle aged SIL can barely walk and each step is agony as her weight (morbidly obese) has worn her knees out.
Many overweight people seem active enough till middle age and then start to hit health problems due to their weight. Your daughter is experiencing issues now. She is going to risk being disabled in middle age, or dead. If she wants to see her daughter grow up, if she wants to see her own grandkids, she needs to get things in hand.

She'll know she is fat but she might be closing her mind to the health issues and implications of those that she is storing up.

But all these posters saying leave it are either shit mothers Or very overweight and very defensive and sensitive about it OR bot

And why is it so often the case on Mumsnet nowadays that you get insulted for having a different genuinely held opinion? It’s really depressing.

The context here is a young woman in her 20s who can barely walk short distances, and who is over 22 stone. Regardless of how she feels about her weight and her eating, she is very clearly physically unwell, because healthy people can walk normally.

The responses saying "maybe she's happy, leave her to it", or "overweight people can be healthy too" come across as outright delusional.

There is no other circumstances where you would passively encourage someone to slowly kill themselves - weight shouldn't be such a taboo. I think focusing on the health aspect and physical symptoms is the way to go, but leaving her to it should not be an option for a caring parent.

To all the people who keep saying "every obese person knows they are obese" and "you don't need to tell her, she knows", this is simply not true.

The majority of obese people in the UK do not realise they have a weight problem.
That is according to new research from Cancer Research UK and UCL.

www.businessinsider.com/obese-people-in-uk-unaware-they-have-a-weight-problem-2018-4?r=US&IR=T

The study from UCL and Cancer Research UK, published in BMJ Open, found that most people who are obese are probably in denial about it, with just 10% of clinically obese people admitting they have a weight problem.
Researchers analysed survey results from 2007 to 2012, and found that out of 2,o00 adults, 11% of obese women accepted they were in fact "obese," while just 7% of men acknowledged it.
Only 10% of participants knew the BMI threshold for obesity (a BMI of over 30). Those who did were more likely to class themselves as such. The authors of the study suggest this could be because being bigger is the new "normal."

Or from a more personal perspective:

For the first time, I consciously started thinking about my eating behaviour and began reading up on genetics, metabolism, diets and obesity. Although I had read around the topic for a while, I had done so selectively. Now, I began to explore the 95% of the research to which I had turned a blind eye. I came across the term “fatlogic” on Reddit and it immediately resonated with me. The term doesn’t mean “fat people’s logic”, but refers to the complex grab bag of supposedly medical facts, well-meaning advice, homegrown ideas and fantasies that make losing weight not only difficult, but impossible.
I don’t consider myself stupid or naive. I have always been the kind of person who questions things; I have a doctorate, and an interest in science. But still I believed in so much fat logic, probably because I was always surrounded by it. I was told from an early age that our family had “fat genes” and that my metabolism was “broken” – which appeared to be corroborated by my own experiences.
www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jan/05/truth-obesity-five-fat-myths-debunked

Yet another study shows the same:

Nearly half of America’s overweight people don’t realize they’re overweight

www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/12/01/nearly-half-of-americas-overweight-people-dont-realize-theyre-overweight/

Please be careful. I had a relative mildly overweight. Other relatives took it upon themselves to manage their weight and they rebelled to keep autonomy by eating more when they weren’t there and is now twice the size when relatives intervened

Tricky, my Mum brought up my weight gain recently. Let me tell you, it did not go down well. I weigh 11 stone, and have no health issues though, it’s just that for years I’ve weighed around 9.5 stone

I woudn't worry too much if you are still a healthy weight, just keep an eye on it and realise what changes led to the gain.

11 stone is my goal weight now aged 47, which would be BMI 24. I used to maintain 9st odd for a few years in my 20s, at the lowest end of the healthy weight range. But given I haven't been lower than 11st 7lbs for 13+ years, more commonly 13st odd, and even as high as 14st 5lbs, and was 11 stone odd in my late teens, getting to being lighter than I was at times in my late teens seems quite a goal enough at my age.

a lot of people who struggle with daily activity due to their size or fitness tell themselves that it's normal to e.g. get out of breath walking upstairs, when it really isn't

This. I had an (overweight) colleague exclaim in absolute astonishment when she realised I walked up the stairs to my office on the third floor (where hers was too). I was astonished back and said, ' But its only the third floor!'
I noticed after that she started walking up the stairs too. She had to rest between floors, but she did it. I think it worked as a wake up call to her that its normal to be able to walk up three flights of stairs.

Yes, I've come across this exact thing with work colleagues who claim to be fit and healthy. Some people are convinced that it is normal to get breathless from climbing two flights of stairs at the age of 30 or 35. It is not normal or healthy in the slightest!

OP are you overweight at all? The reason I ask is that if so could you join a slimming world or WW group together?

@BloodAndFire The Guardian article is pretty good. I've certainly had a bit of that denial, proabbly because I'm quite tall and carry extra weight evenly, and even had people ask "Why?" when I say I'm trying to lose weight, then they are astonished as they thought I was much lighter than I am. I don't need to be 13st at 5'7". Some of it might be muscle but not all!

Yes, I've come across this exact thing with work colleagues who claim to be fit and healthy. Some people are convinced that it is normal to get breathless from climbing two flights of stairs at the age of 30 or 35. It is not normal or healthy in the slightest!

I've had this from slim but unfit people as well tbh.