To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

Is her husband big too? If so you may be wasting your time. Bad habits only tend to get worse when there are two people in the house with the same mindset!

I understand your concern op but I don’t think anything would be achieved by you addressing her weight issues tbh.

Weight issues are rarely just about eating too much cake anyway. They are usually about our mental and emotional health. So it would be far better imho to take her out for a coffee or to a spa and ask her how she is. And really listen to her reply.

Or offer to baby sit so she can have some down time?

Or pay for her to get her hair done to boost her self esteem?

I think those sorts of gestures would have far better results tbh.

But goes back to original point.

whether she “likes” putting her health seriously at risk, is quite irrelevant as to whether the op, as her mother, should urgently start a conversation with her. It won’t be a one off. It will be a process. A long process. But all these posters saying leave it are either shit mothers Or very overweight and very defensive and sensitive about it OR both

Most weight gain is related to a mental health condition. (Presumably shes not a moron and realises bad diet and no exercise leads to weight gain). Focus on her mental health rather than her appearance or diet.

I found some really disturbing and lots of lies in there too when it comes to the positivity part.

How come someone two sizes bigger than me has no extra chins and defined jaws? Chin lipo.
Workout as size 30 while my size 22 can't do half even after month? Show me the whole workout not 5 3 second snaps from different locations even!
It's so much fucking lying there. It made me so angry because it is making people feel shit and/or thinking "well she is even bigger and look at that! Wow i am ok then" it's not wow. It Photoshop and other lies and that's infuriating in any matter not just weight.

I usually say that they know their size and it doesn't help to bring it up. But if she's morbidly obese I can see why you're scared. I'm around her age and imo I would sit her down.

I'd say you love her no matter what. You hold no judgement for her but you are worried about her health. Then ask if there's anything you can do to help her get started on being a bit healthier so she can run around with DGD more and be there for her when she's older.

Can’t pretend it’s the same but I had a medical and my bmi was 27. Always thought of myself as slim so this was the kick I needed. I totally changed the way I ate. I read Tom Watson Downsizing and broadly follow Michael Mosleys advice. I intermittent fast eat less but still have treats choc and wine etc just less of it. Got to bmi 23 and maintained it for 3 years now. So it’s not a life of denial but needs a mindset shift.

I am overweight, I have been very overweight (I have also been, for longer than overweight, a healthy weight). I am NOT in denial and am actively looking to do something about it. BUT if my mother kept bringing my weight up, it would do nothing but negatively impact my relationship with her, make me feel shitter than I already do and likely lead to me thinking "fuck it" and eating more. Why? because there is no quick fix, and keep raising it suggests you think they aren't trying. I am not going to go in to the ins and outs of what I doing to address my weight issues or the cause of them, with my mother or anyone else.

Just to add to this, the book Potatoes not Prozac explains what happens in the brain when we don’t eat properly/eat too much sugar.

What’s your SIL’s weight like?

It is a difficult subject but if both parents are overweight the likelihood is that their child will be overweight too.

See she knows her size and she obviously doesn't care enough to tackle it so I don't know what you have to gain by saying it to her. Its like alcohol, you can tell someone they are drinking too much but unless they think it's a problem they will ignore you. With alcohol though it can result in behaviours that negatively impact others around them which for a lot of people is when they address the problem. That won't really happen with over eating.

I wouldnt be afraid of saying it to her but I don't think it would change anything.

Maybe if you framed it as to what will happen to her child if she gets any of the obesity related health problems. Society is normalising obesity so much it is a taboo subject.

Has your Dd got a full length mirror with a clear view of herself when she stands in front of it.

I know people are saying she knows that she is overweight and the dangers that come with it but I know a couple of women who hadn’t realised they had got so fat because they only ever saw themselves in the bathroom or hallway mirror and they had quite pretty faces all be it a little chubby but they thought that level of chubbiness was the extent that they were over weight.
It was only when one of them caught sight of themselves in a full length mirror in someone’s house and the other saw a really fat woman walking near her in the reflection from a shop window and the horror the fat woman was her. Her outcry to us was why didn’t someone tell me.

One tried to lose weight but resorted to surgery and the other slogged away at SW
Both look and feel amazing.

What is your son in laws weight like? Is he skinny but eats loads. Or is he overweight.

I do think when couples move in together there is a tendency to eat the same as your male partner. For some women with fast metabolisms and who burn it off it is ok but ultimately most women aren’t designed to eat the same amount of food as a man and not get fat

She knows she's overweight already. So I'd maybe start with how she is doing mentally and how you can support her. Clearly say you're not judging and it comes from a place of worry.
My mum is similar to your daughter, op. I've had conversations, I've offered support any way I can, but what I've come to realise is only my mum can change and she won't change until she is ready. I've given up after 8 years so just be prepared for it not to go anywhere but always let her know you're there.

People dont put on 6+ stone and then INSTANTLY become riddled with health issues... alot of these things are slow burn but unhealthy.

Its the same way I could down a bottle of vodka (hell even one a week over a few months) then do a liver function test a few days later and say 'yeay no cirrhosis... its not unhealthy' but if I did it long term of course there would be damage down the line because it is in fact unhealthy.

“Shit mothers” is a bit much isn’t it? I think someone can hold the opinion that the OP’s daughter is an adult with her own agency that doesn’t need to have an intervention staged by her mother, without that person being a “shit mother”.

MOST people engage in some sort of behaviour that is deleterious to their health. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for theOP to gently raise the subject with her daughter out of concern, but she wouldn’t be a “shit mother” to not mention it. Do you have a chat with every smoker and drinker you know?

The OP appears not to have raised it at all though. Deciding to eat more because someone cares enough about you to mention it is not normal or right.

Yes she knows she's put on weight, but I'm sure she also knows that everyone else knows too.
I don't think it should be some unspeakable subject.
No, I don't think you should 'comment' on her weight, and I'd be mortified if people going on walks with me/inviting me for meals were secretly trying to make me lose weight without telling me - I think that's appalling.
I would just ask her if it's something she wants to talk about and let her decide for yourself.
"Darling, you know you're beautiful any size, but I would hate to think you are unhappy. Are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?"

If she is 26 stone I'd be incredibly worried about her. And as her mum I wouldn't be able to not speak to her. This doesn't mean shaming, but asking how you can support her to improve her health so she isn't out of breath doing every day tasks.

It's maybe just me but I would so much prefer my mum to tell me I am overweight straight out than tell me I am beautiful any size! That's way too American for me.

Of course it's not, but how do you think people develop weight problems in the first place?

Do you think she doesn't know that she is fat? Trust me, she'll be acutely aware. Leave her alone

It won’t be a one off. It will be a process. A long process

Oh Christ, please don't make it a long process. Nothing she needs less than it being brought up every 5 minutes.

I would raise it once, properly, and after that let her bring he subject up. But think first what it is you are going to say- she will know she is overweight so doesn't need it pointing out. What might be helpful is for you to tell her honestly that you are concerned about her health and offer what you can in the way of support, and think through what that might be.

I would have a chat with her about it, and suggest you do it together. Maybe even help her see her gp for a gastric band. Know of a few who have had one. They look incredibly different after just 12 months.

Sadly no-one can really help or force this. I was 20 stone and the only time I could get rid of the weight was when the switch flipped in my head. If anyone had talked to me about it I would have reached for the chocolate.

I would focus on the health side. " I have noticed you getting out of breath and having difficulty getting up the stairs, I am concerned about you, those are serious issues at your age., what can we do to help?"