To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

What do you think would actually be achieved by the conversation?

I'm sure she is already aware of her own weight, and of the constant "being fat is BAD and is a DEATH SENTENCE and you are a BAD LAZY PERSON if you are fat" messages that come from advertising/media/many other people all the time. Not saying you'd phrase it that way, of course! Just saying that message is freaking everywhere, she can't possibly have missed it. And it's a message that overall does not help one tiny bit.

Shaming fat people has been remarkably ineffective so far in actually reducing the number of overweight people in the population, or in helping people keep weight off consistently once they have lost it. Even a conversation that is meant to be supportive and kind can come across as very shaming, especially if you consider the context (see above).

I think the best you could do is offer her your unconditional love and support--you love her no matter what her health issues are, right? And model good behaviour and provide opportunities for her to join you, or to do similar things on her own, if you can do that without appearing to be preaching to her about how she needs to change her lifestyle. Because I just don't think preaching will work.

This is an emotive topic, but I feel I would have to say something if it were me.

People conflate the issue with body shaming and get very defensive, but this is beyond being a bit overweight. Your daughter's weight has huge health implications.

A family member of mine, who for a long time was morbidly obese, was recently diagnosed with cancer. The doctors were clear that it was very likely caused by lifestyle. My family member is young and has young children. Absolutely heartbreaking and was potentially avoidable. Family said nothing despite being extremely worried about their weight and health for fear of upsetting them.

Be sensitive and proactive. Can your daughter get surgery? What support can you provide or pay for? Whatever you do, don't brush it under the carpet. Your daughter needs to tackle her weight if she wants to be around for her daughter.

I completely disagree with the comments saying don’t address it. This is an eating disorder and you don’t just leave somebody you love to eat themselves to death without trying to intervene.

she will need a lot of support to address the issues. My mum got to 28 stone. After years of trying to help, I asked her to come and stay with me for 6 weeks, cooked all of her meals and managed her food. She lost 40lbs in that time. I then continued to make her evening meal for her after work and made a lunch she had in Tupperware once she was back at home.

She has now lost 8 stone. It is a constant battle. You feel like you’re a therapist when you’re actively helping somebody battle a food disorder but it’s worth it.

as a side note- it took 3 years and a massive health scare to get to such drastic measure but the sooner you offer help the sooner she can begin that journey.

This.
I had to tell my mum that if she didn't stop commenting I would stop going round because the constant nasty comments and digs were just causing more depression, pain and dents to my self esteem. She didn't stop and if it hadn't been for the intervention of my dad (possibly for the first time in my life) she would have continued and I probably would have cut contact. She would say things, out of concern but they still hurt, and I would go home, cry and eat.

Show me an obease person and I will bet anything that the underlying cause is mental health issues.

What worked for me was counselling for my depression and poor self confidence, starting to like myself and wanting to care for myself. In the end I had surgery which is why I lost most of the weight, but I have kept it off because I think I'm worth looking after.

I’ve not had time to read the full thread, so sorry if this has already been said.

I do think you should speak to her, in a sensitive way, obviously. A friend of mine has eating disorders and as a result has been anorexic and also obese. She said it was easier to get out of anorexia because, in her words: “People say: ‘You’re looking really thin - are you ok?’ But when you’re overweight, no one says: ‘You’re looking really fat - are you ok?’”

Her point being that people asking whether you’re ok, and urging you to get medical help with your eating, makes all the difference. A person could put their weight out of their mind, but someone who cares about them commenting on it and urging them to get help can spur them to do that.

I don't think eating disorders can be diagnosed by amateurs via the internet! FFS.

I'd stay away from things like inviting her around for healthy meals and walks.
That is judging her in a different way.
If you see her struggling you might say something like 'Gosh I'm just noticing you are actually out of breath there. Have you got a cold or what is that about'... or somesuch. And just see what she says.
That might be enough.

Shensi buying clothes. She knows how big she is. No I wouldn't say anything.

I forgot to mention, she also started slimming world when she came to stay and it has been a huge help!

Sometimes you need a shock to get you out your rut. Maybe a gentle questioning when she’s out of breath or something of the like. Personally I would bring it up with her, maybe don’t mention your DGD as maybe too difficult but I understand your concerns. Im 35 and recently booked myself for a private diabetes test due to some drs mentioning it but never doing any tests. The machine was broken and they had to use a more thorough tester and at 35 and just shy of 14st (size 14-16) cholesterol results came back high and that has motivated me into loosing weight and improving my lifestyle. It wasn’t even something I was concerned about. Sugar levels on the other hand were great. Something like that could be the motivation for her. I’m currently classed as high risk for heart disease at 35 that’s not what you want to hear.

Who the hell is talking about the op “shaming” her daughter?

she is desperately worried about her daughters health and quality of life. And wants to start a conversation with her about it

I think it's fine to comment on her being out of breath and ask if she's ok. If there is a history of any health issues in the family that could be causing problems then you could reference them too (eg diabetes, thyroid, heart). It might make her feel less alone if she can see her health issues as part of a familial pattern and that might make her feel less anxious about trying to address them.
Also fine to suggest a class you could both do together eg dance, exercise, yoga. Or a weekly walk. Frame it as a way to spend time together and bond rather than a way to exercise together iyswim.

I think if this is the case, and if she's a little in denial/ unaware of how bad it is, then saying something in a very sensitive way could help.

22 stone is very very large, I'm not surprised you're worried OP. She will know that she's overweight, but perhaps not be conscious of how severely. Only you know your daughter and what will get through to her without hurting her more.

I think the probability of it being a successful conversation depends on what her relationship with her DH is like. Does he do a fair split of childcare or does he leave it to her giving her no chance to have time to herself?

Does he share the load with cooking or is his contribution suggesting another takeout? Would he support her if she wanted to make a switch to healthy eating or would he undermine it by buying in junk food?

If he is not supportive you could possibly help by giving your DD time to exercise, but it would ultimately be undermined by his attitude to food.

The British attitude to body weight is so strange.
If someone wrote to say that their daughter was smoking ten packs a day, drinking 5L of cola a day, anorexic, following a crazy diet plan, or driving without a seatbelt, people wouldn't be saying "she'll know it's not good, leave her be and don't say anything".

Refusing to ever discuss overweight actually just speaks to people still seeing fatness as a failing. If we want to normalise all body sizes, part of that is open discussion when family members - especially ones with dependents - are acting in self harming ways, whatever that looks like.

I've got 2 close friends who are obese/overweight. Both have tried to lose weight with varying amounts of success over the years, one has lost a lot more than the other over the past few years.

However now, one of them has developed type 2 diabetes and the other one had a stroke approx 4-5 years ago which has caused difficulties in her life. The one with diabetes finds exercising hard but knows she has to do something about it if she wants a longer, healthier life, she's also generally happier than the other friend. The other friend has been unhappy in her job for years but finds it hard to leave or if she does interview, does so at places closely connected to her current job and someone jeopardised her chances there. This friend has emotional and mental issues yet dismisses them out of hand.

She knows. Medical professionals have spoken to her previously. Maybe she isn't actually bothered?
If she asks you what you think, then you can comment. Otherwise, she is free to make her own choices and it really isn't anybody else's business (including family members).

@CousinKrispy

Getting to a size where you are having difficulty breathing and mobilising is not normal eating habits. Therefore, one would assume it is disordered eating, no?

But there’s no reason to assume that her daughter would be so unreasonable, unpleasant, and just so up themselves that they would react to a well-meaning conversation like this.

I swear this whole “body positivity” movement is killing people.

And just how likely do you think that that is, that someone is happy being obese to the point that they struggle with stairs and are facing dying while their children are still young?

I have the opposite problem- adult DD is v underweight as the result of an illness- and yes, I do point it out and remind her to eat. In your place I would say something.

From very bitter experience she is aware she is fat, doesn't mran she is aware HOW fat she is. I was in proper denial which was about 30kg away from reality. Once you realise there is indeed "morbid" infront of the obesity, you can be bit shocked.
As pp siad you also don't realise how unfit you are (well some of course do, some don't) until you lose and it hits you don't need breaks.

I agree eith pp. We should be able to talk eith loved ones about these things. You would talk to smoker if they were running out of breath after 1 flight of stairs... You know, similar.

I would go with the suggested questions about that with "you are out of breath a lot, is everything ok?" And even pointed out mobility issues in that way.

Frankly though, you won't most likely not make any difference. Now breaking furniture you sit on is quite a kick up the arse I can recommend from personal experience.....

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Strictlyfanoftenyears · Today 12:13
If I was your daughter, I would think "how dare she talk to me like this". I would probably never speak to you again.......................................

Nothing to suggest the daughter is a volatile, defensive, angry and unpleasant person. Kudos for you being so open about being like this though

You just need to look up the body positive movements, and other communities (fat fetish) to see that not everyone who is obese sees it as a negative thing. There’s a spectrum of attitudes, from neutral self acceptance of your body, to people who are actively trying to get bigger as they positively enjoy being fat and or it’s their partners preference.

I am not saying I agree with the above, but the world is filled with all sorts.