To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

Yes. It means that they are not eating quite as healthily or exercising quite as much as they like to kid themselves

It’s a tricky one, because it is incredibly difficult to raise concerns that could come across in any way as critical. However, this has clearly become a chronic health issue, not an appearance issue. Would people really not raise their concerns with their child if, eg, they suspected they were anorexic, or an alcoholic or drug addict, or ignoring a potentially cancerous mole, or were depressed, or were ignoring worrying symptoms of a physical illness, or were exhibiting symptoms of some other mental health illness? Surely once the quality of your daily life and therefore also of those around you is obviously affected, it is the loving thing to do to express concern? I couldn’t ignore a child of mine getting breathless just from basic movement. That would feel negligent.

If being a man was enough factor to be at risk then they’d have prioritised them over the women like they did with those with health issues or like they did for those women that had gestational diabetes during their pregnancy. But they didn’t.

‘Bloods’ aren’t the only marker of iiI health & in many conditions your blood biochemistry & full blood count wouldn’t be affected until way down the line

Do you have children @EasterIssland ?

I think you should, about what your DD cannot do easily, especially thinking of your grandchild.

Does it really matter ? And to be honest this is not my thread but ops

Yes you do, young.

www.healthline.com/health-news/obese-people-have-slim-chance-of-obtaining-normal-body-weight-071615#A-Call-for-a-Better-Weight-Loss-Approach

For all the very real health risks and limitations it places on your life, there are worse things to be than obese.

I'd rather put on 10 stone tomorrow than turn into the kind of person who bullies someone (who is in the process of losing weight!) for reusing the fat from their meat.

I've always been a healthy BMI and I used to reuse fat when I ate meat (I don't eat meat any more). What of it?

It's not fat that makes people fat IMO, it's the ultra processed shite, full of artificial additives, labelled as "fat free" but full of disguised sugar, that gets pushed at us by the food industry. That's what makes up 90% of what you find in a modern supermarket, and that's what lays the foundations for obesity in our society.

There’s a difference between people who are in denial about their state of affairs and people genuinely unaware of something.

Even if you are blind and never encountered a mirror you know what size of clothes fits you, someone telling you what size you are is not going to be a helpful revelation.

However, something might have happened/shifted without you consciously registering it when you become ready to hear/wake up/accept.

And then it could be a happy occasion that you don’t shoot the messenger but are actually grateful that someone has told you you are fat or that your DH is a serial cheater or whatever you’ve been brushing under the rug for years because facing it was too uncomfortable or painful…

Wow. Well done on your fascinating insight in shouty capitals. 😃

@Doingprettywellthanks

food is supposed to be enjoyable and for newborn mammals sweet milk is pretty much 90% of what constitutes enjoyment, it’s very basic and very primal, and that’s why there’s a tendency that not a full life is replaced by a very full stomach.

It’s only when all or mostly what you can look forward to in life is something nice to eat when it becomes a problem because you are bound to overeat or especially seek out things providing dopamine, serotonin etc

Really extreme reaction to a concerned mother

She knows. Back RIGHT off it. Accept her wholly and truly as she is, unless she asks for support.

I recommend Chris and Xand’s podcast. They’re twin doctors and Xand was overweight, but he just couldn’t do anything about it until Chris backed off. There was no space for him to make a decision without it being an admittance of ‘being wrong’. I can’t think of the name of it. It’s mostly about UPFs, but the relationship part of it was so key. When Xand was asked ‘how much of deciding to do something about your weight was me backing off about it?’ His answer was an immediate ‘ALL of it’. I’ll check for you.

You daughter has eyes. She KNOWS she is overweight. Obese people are not treated kindly in society. Don’t be part of that. Be her judgement free place to be fully herself. She may tackle it, she may not, but anything coming from you will not help. It will make it harder, and will impact on your relationship.

I’m not overweight. I’m a healthy BMI, but I do vary within that, and even occasionally slip a couple of pounds into overweight. My mother cannot help commenting on it. I find it so fucking annoying. I KNOW if I need to lose a few pounds and it’s usually because of massive stress or life difficulties. I don’t need my mother’s thinly-veiled, pointy judgemental comments about it to remind me, and to add to that stress. I’ll get to it when I can. I refuse to discuss weight, diet or health with at her all now. I shut it down, zero tolerance. I don’t need to hear her weight obsession. My daughter doesn’t need to hear it. (And she does have obsession. I have never had a conversation with her where it doesn’t come up) She still does it. I simply don’t say anything. She’s very puzzled about this isn’t helpful to tell me I’ve put on weight, and ask what I’m going to about it. Often in company. It’s bloody rude, and I bloody know, and I’ll get onto it when whatever shit has hit my personal fan passes. It’s often sleep related, so I’m probably a bit short tempered over it, being chronically sleep deprived at the time. Still, it’s horrible. I feel like it’s really judgemental, and it definitely makes me feel more distant from her than I’d like.

It’s ‘A Thorough Examination’ with Dr Chris and Dr Xand.

OP, one thing I would say is that a private and potentially hurtful conversation done sensitively can be forgiven even if taken badly. However, a thread on Mumsnet about something so private (even anonymously) could be unforgivable. Such threads can also be taken up by tabloids. If that happened your relationship could be ruined forever. I'd ask this to be taken down if you are a serious genuine person asking about this. @singingamy

'Weighing in' on the can fat people be healthy debate here - I'm currently wearing a pair of size 6 jeans (vanity sizing but still, I'm slim) and have eaten a packet of super noodles and a cheese string for my dinner tonight. I have the diet of a student or a toddler mainly and hardly eat anything healthy. I have friends much bigger than me who eat a really healthy diet, much better than mine, but people assume I'm healthy because I'm thinner. We are more than what we look like.

OP I really recommend Aubrey Gordon's book 'what we don't talk about when we talk about fat' for a bit of insight into the experience of fat people and just what your daughter might go through by living in her body. I found it and her podcast really enlightening.

My cousin is very like your daughter, in terms of having gained weight steadily through pregnancy and beyond and now being at a stage where she is very overweight. Sadly her relationship with her mother has been very damaged by the mother's helpful intervention about the issue and honestly, I'm not sure what's to be gained here. Your daughter knows she's overweight, of course she does, but she hasn't spoken to you about it and seems happy and confident in her body - so maybe she is? At best you might dent that confidence and at worst you might ruin your relationship by telling her something she knows and has chosen not to discuss with you. She won't lose weight because you want her to, that's for certain, so I don't see the point of pushing the issue.

WTAF?
The relative was a size 14, ended up like a 26. Why would you spend your time picking apart my life experience?

mistermagpie OP has said that her 29 year old daughter can't walk a short distance without getting out of breath - this is not at all normal regardless of how happy and confident the daughter may feel.

I'm not disputing that at all, my point is that the OPs daughter knows this already. She's the one who is out of breath, she doesn't need her mum to tell her. If she is happy how she is (and we have no reason to think she's not) then I'm not sure what good is going to come of the OP telling her information she already knows. The likely outcome is that her daughter will feel bad about herself or guilty for worrying people or lots of other negative things about herself, none of which are conducive to her losing weight.

She's the one who is out of breath, she doesn't need her mum to tell her.

You're right. But her 4 year old daughter needs her mum to be healthy.

Sorry, I find that a weird attitude. Nobody even knows if the cause is definitely the obesity, ffs. Why on earth would you not express concern about an obvious health issue? Why just quietly watch those you love kill themselves by not seeking help for poor health? It’s completely abnormal to get out of breath just walking up a drive.