To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

What makes me happy? Not food. Family, friends, exercise, socialising, running, holidaying, yoga, cinema yes. And that sometimes involves food, but is it the food that is making me happy? No. It’s the company and the experience of not having to prepare it and clean up.

Erm. What. Are you saying that using fat instead of oil etc for dishes is what made me fat.
No...
What made me fat was eating too much. You wouldn't believe how many calories salad can have!

Lamb fat also has helathy fats good for your heart. Balance innit

The fact that you link enjoying food with enjoying life is… telling

Here we go. Again

I thought you said you were so fat because living in this country?

now it’s eating too much

Oh but eating too much of healthy food. Yes, sure

With what now. 🙄

Look you don't like food. I lost 8 stone eating lamb fat, stocks which have bit of fat on it etc. Balance, mate. Balance

Is it the fat or the immigrant thing you don't like?

The excuse.

Blaming moving here is the cause of your obesity.

but by all means seen it as an immigrant issue 🙄

a growing number of us are getting getting so frustrated with all the excuses. Endless excuse.

you only get the truth from those you have successfully kept off a lot of weight. Then they admit that they kidded themselves into thinking it was xyz when actually it was way too many crisps, biscuits and hugely fatty food

I didn't. You might want to work on your reading skills before you give yourself an aneurysm.

Fattoush said she doesn't get the not talking about weight here, I agreed. In my native country we do talk about it. I got fat because I eat a lot and everyone quietly went with it. I do think that being more open would not help that denial of mine.

I am not giving excuses, I was always open about getting fat because I eat a lot.

Again, lost 8 stone so far. So obviously not coming out with excuses.

@JennyForeigner2 overconsumption doesn’t happen without a reason.
Nobody overconsumes onions, because they would not perform the same function as overconsumption or plain consumption of cake or beer do.

We are born to naturally regulate and up to a point when a healthy child is still following their instincts and body and not that of their parents’/society they would stop mid bite however attractive from the point of evolution the food is (say, mixture of food and sugar)

A “naturally” slim person does not go for overconsumption or chooses non-nutritious foods, because their whole system is healthily attuned.

However not many absolutely healthy people in the world. Plus of course slim doesn’t equal healthy and overweight doesn’t equal unhealthy.
Obesity is a different category, but negative motivation(loathe or criticise yourself into being healthy weight) is proven unsustainable long term.
Accepting your body at any weight and that you are not in any way less worthy because of it is a minimum for mental health.
Then it’s a matter of a person making changes out of love for themselves, but this requires mental energy which they often lacked in the first place and all solutions requiring overriding your subconscious usually don’t last. It’s finding where the energy goes and focusing on replenishing themselves.

What? Of course it was a risk, it was a massive risk.

Where on Earth are you pulling all of this anti-scientific rubbish from? Men were something like twice as likely to die if infected, all other things being equal.

You seem to think that you can just make up anything you want here and state it as fact.

www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpubh.2020.00152/full

*fat and sugar

^

You seem to be pulling this out of your bottom. Are you making it up as you go along, or did someone tell it to you in the pub?

I wonder sometimes why I bothered getting my science degrees when it seems I could have just not bothered and then made any outlandish claims that I fancy.

Read what I was answering to. It was about talking about it.

Anyway we have managed to delay the thread so I will bow out so it can return to original issue not spat between you and I

Obesity is a marker for a never ending list of conditions. You might be "healthy" but carrying excess weight around is a ticking time bomb. You may be lucky but it will run out at some point.

With the likes of @EasterIssland you have got to resign yourself to a lost cause.

She will continue to gain weight and continue to argue until red in the face about it. I just hope no children involved.

InCheesusWeTrust · Today 16:54
Well tbf we were bigger risk and mortuaries could be in trouble if too many too fat people died at the same time

damn just seen this chestnut. So much mileage to be had

just being a man wasn’t a risk. It was being a man with other health issues what was putting them at a higher risk

and no. I have not made up this data. I did work on the vaccine roll out and investigated things like this. Who was more at risk and a 20yo man wasn’t much more at risk than a 20yo woman. A 20yo man wasn’t much at risk than a 35yo woman with lung or heart illnesses. A man on their 50s with heart problems was more at risk than a woman with heart problems of the same age. But just being a man wasn’t making a massive impact.

qcovid.org/Calculation

I just hope you are never I. The position where you hate your body and even if you try it hard you don’t manage to lose as much weight as what many of you think it’s a healthy point.

weight alone means nothing. Weight with a healthy diet and exercise means a lot.

YOU DON'T NEED TO EAT HEALTHY TO LOSE WEIGHT YOU ONLY NEED TO EAT LESS.

Utter rubbish. Women have a stronger immune response because of the coding on the X chromosome, of which we have two. That’s one of the reasons that we live longer.

You didn’t even read the paper I linked to, did you?

Between this and the idiocy about obesity not being a risk factor I despair.