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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

490 replies

singingamy · 13/10/2022 10:00

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 16:29

Badnewsoracle · 13/10/2022 13:18

I am overweight, I have been very overweight (I have also been, for longer than overweight, a healthy weight). I am NOT in denial and am actively looking to do something about it. BUT if my mother kept bringing my weight up, it would do nothing but negatively impact my relationship with her, make me feel shitter than I already do and likely lead to me thinking "fuck it" and eating more. Why? because there is no quick fix, and keep raising it suggests you think they aren't trying. I am not going to go in to the ins and outs of what I doing to address my weight issues or the cause of them, with my mother or anyone else.

Show quote history

What is your relationship like with your mother?

Winterscomingagain · 13/10/2022 16:37

Pumpkindoodles · 13/10/2022 10:12

im sure she’s fully aware of her weight
I don’t think you should address that
but as pp said you could address the health implications
hey you seem quite out of breath are you ok?
but even that you need to tread carefully with and not do too often.

dont mention your granddaughter because it will sound like you are implying she is a bad mother

I'm interested in how several people think the granddaughter should not be mentioned. I've had experience of obesity in my family and it has a huge impact on the children. Tact may be required but the child is central to any potential health issues the daughter may have.

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 16:43

EasterIssland · 13/10/2022 14:55

@DotDotaDash I think you’re the one being naive thinking that just because you’re obese you’ll be getting cancer. It’s one of the many factors but not the only one. If my doctors are not worried about my weight and I’m happy that there are doctor out there That don’t look anymore at the bmi values (a value that was invented by a white man 200 years ago just to define what normal should look like … as if bodies and many other factors wouldn’t make this number go up or lower)

many posters also naive thinking that obesity is only because you eat too much and you should eat less. Obesity is linked to many reasons … one of them being depressed. And you know what can make you depressed ? Your mum telling you you’re too fat and that you don’t look beautiful their eyes (as some posters have indicated here)

the truth is that ops daughter knows her weight. She might like what she looks like or she might be really upset about it. It has to be her decision changing her lifestyle. Not because of her weight but so that she can perform her day to day duties. But it’s to be her decision and not her mum saying “you’re obese … lose weight”

Seriously?

No-one claimed that if you are obese you will definitely get cancer, but you seem to be trying to argue that being obese does not increase your risk.

You are wrong, it does.

As to your bizarre point that it was invented by a white man, what are you trying to imply there? Whoever it was invented by, robust data now shows that it is a risk factor for cancers, stroke, diabetes, joint problems and all manner of other problems.

hereyougoagain · 13/10/2022 16:45

@JennyForeigner2

When DH put on 30+ kg there was no eating disorder involved, he just stopped exercising any self-restraint at all and enjoyed eating and drinking too much.
None of my perpetually slim friends ever exercised any self-restraint, why would they need to? In an ideal world an ideally healthy person would not need "restraint" to not get fat, they would naturally stop when they had enough, not when when they haven't had enough.
What breaks the "what is enough for my body" mechanism is too complex and multi-layered usually to go into it here.

To say things like you just need to eat less or move more is like telling a depressed person they just need to cheer up. There is a reason why they can't do it.

If they can just easily stop (like your DH could), there is always a reason, for instance the discomfort of being overweight becomes worse than the discomfort of something missing in a life which was previously filled with extra food and drink.

If just staying slim he discovers himself too unhappy or uncomfortable without overeating and overdrinking and he hasn't found any other way to compensate (which can be something healthy, like regular sports) or hasn't addressed the original issue, then he will just gain the weight back on.

hereyougoagain · 13/10/2022 16:46

agh my quote has disappeared, the first sentence is a quote from @JennyForeigner2

MK85 · 13/10/2022 16:47

As someone speaking from experience, my mum has always commented on my weight. From being too thin to being overweight and honestly it's caused alot of strain in our relationship. We don't have a close relationship to the extent where we can discuss things because I've honestly always felt judged in a way.
I don't think telling your daughter she needs to lose weight is the right way to go about. It's never made me feel compelled to lose weight.
The nicest thing my mother has said regarding my weight was 'have you lost weight, your looking well today and you look slimmer" . A comment like that motivates me more to lose weight.
Have you tried that approach? Maybe you could try saying that and afterwards start complimenting her outfit , thats a lovely top where did you get it ect.
I'd gradually make suble hints to your daughter than you want to get really healthy for yourself. Weather you need to lose a few pounds aswell , or even if you don't just that you want to get healthier so you can be around for her and the grandchild later in life. Ask her if she could support you and come with you for a walk even once a week to start with. Ask her if she'd like to join you In a journey to get healthy, but don't make it seem at all like your hinting at her weight, tell you you'd like to do it together so you would both have better motivation and support doing it together. Maybe suggest if you both set a target to stay healthy for few weeks or months then you could have a girls night away or something

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 16:47

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 15:03

Also I am sorry but which docotrs are not using BMI? It is one of the tools which when used in conjunction with others can give pretty good picture.
As much as it sucks bmi 50 is fucking bad and no amount of "whote man too old doesn't work" will ever really change that.

The poster making those claims should be thoroughly ashamed of herself. Trying to convince people that being obese is not a health issue is abhorrent.

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 16:50

Tabbouleh · 13/10/2022 15:15

Yes, that's me. I am not British born though, so you can put that down to cultural differences. I find the British denial of obesity bizarre, and I don't want anyone to tell me I am beautiful if I weigh 26 stone. I would prefer to have my mom tell me I might die by the time I am 40. No one else would care enough perhaps except DH.

Show quote history

I think most British people would agree with you. 26 stone for a normal-height woman is a BMI of around sixty. At that level the probability is that they will die very young, quite possibly after becoming severely disabled and losing limbs.

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 16:50

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 16:47

The poster making those claims should be thoroughly ashamed of herself. Trying to convince people that being obese is not a health issue is abhorrent.

Show quote history

It's really dangerous. It plays massively into the denial.
As I like to say "I am a healthy fatso for now". The last part is important!

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 16:50

Trying to convince people that being obese is not a health issue is abhorrent.

oh it’s held by many a mumsnetter. All saying that they are overweight blah blah blah.
But then in same sentence that their weight problem is due to the medication they’re on or the condition they have.

endless excuses.

LeilaDarling · 13/10/2022 16:50

JuneOsborne · 13/10/2022 10:17

It's so difficult, isn't it?

I'd ask her if she wants to talk about it! And ask if she wants any help, or input. If she doesn't, you know where you stand.

But like a pp said, what can you do to help?

I'll be honest here and I'm sure it's going to be deeply unpopular, but all of the significantly overweight people I know who are now how slim have had bariatric surgery. No diet worked. No regime worked. Of you can afford the £10k to pay for it, I'd be offering that.

I wish I had the £10k for it. I'm 6 stone overweight. My sister is 8 stone overweight. We've both agreed that we'd have the surgery if it was possible.

You are so right. I was overweight from early teens and would strongly agree for some people nothing works except surgery. I had a gastric bypass at the beginning of this year and am now 4lb away from my goal weight.
My bypass was over 10k but just to let you know there are great options abroad now for £3500 - join the friendliest gastric bypass group on Facebook and there are always details of good clinics abroad.

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 16:51

EasterIssland · 13/10/2022 15:18

Sure because that’s really going to help her losing weight.

Show quote history

It probably will, yes. If she doesn’t though she does need to think who’s going to bring them up once she’s dead.

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 16:52

It’s why you see entire families that are obese shuffling around town centres. And why the circle continues because no one in their lives actually says “enough with the shit about your poor metabolism etc. You are fat mainly because you eat fat too much crap and you barely move”

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 16:52

I get you @Tabbouleh I think that i would never got THIS big if I still lived in my native country😳

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 16:53

On the list of people who get priority for the vaccine or those with a BMI over 40

Really pisses me off that

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 16:54

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 16:53

On the list of people who get priority for the vaccine or those with a BMI over 40

Really pisses me off that

Well tbf we were bigger risk and mortuaries could be in trouble if too many too fat people died at the same time

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 16:55

hereyougoagain · 13/10/2022 16:45

@JennyForeigner2

When DH put on 30+ kg there was no eating disorder involved, he just stopped exercising any self-restraint at all and enjoyed eating and drinking too much.
None of my perpetually slim friends ever exercised any self-restraint, why would they need to? In an ideal world an ideally healthy person would not need "restraint" to not get fat, they would naturally stop when they had enough, not when when they haven't had enough.
What breaks the "what is enough for my body" mechanism is too complex and multi-layered usually to go into it here.

To say things like you just need to eat less or move more is like telling a depressed person they just need to cheer up. There is a reason why they can't do it.

If they can just easily stop (like your DH could), there is always a reason, for instance the discomfort of being overweight becomes worse than the discomfort of something missing in a life which was previously filled with extra food and drink.

If just staying slim he discovers himself too unhappy or uncomfortable without overeating and overdrinking and he hasn't found any other way to compensate (which can be something healthy, like regular sports) or hasn't addressed the original issue, then he will just gain the weight back on.

You are wrong. You are wrong to imply that slim people do not need to think about what they eat. I’m 55kg, and need to take care to maintain this level.

You are wrong that DH found it easy, he didn’t.

You are wrong that there was an “issue” for him to deal with. His only issue was overconsumption. Unsurprisingly once he put in the effort to stop filling his face he returned to a healthy weight. Years later he continues to be a healthy weight.

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 16:56

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 16:54

Well tbf we were bigger risk and mortuaries could be in trouble if too many too fat people died at the same time

Show quote history

It was less of a risk factor than being male though, and we didn’t prioritize males for the vaccine.

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 16:56

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 16:52

I get you @Tabbouleh I think that i would never got THIS big if I still lived in my native country😳

And nothing to do with fact that on a different thread you are talking about freezing the fat from leftover meat to add to dishes in future for extra flavour? 🙄

EasterIssland · 13/10/2022 16:58

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 16:53

On the list of people who get priority for the vaccine or those with a BMI over 40

Really pisses me off that

Not sure you realise that those with bmi 40 might not be able to do much about their weight. Many people are not obese by choice but because genetics or illnesses and losing weight is not as easy. Shall we put them down the line of the vaccine list even if they’re higher risk jusr because you are happy even if you are most likely not going to die of covid ?

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 16:59

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 16:56

And nothing to do with fact that on a different thread you are talking about freezing the fat from leftover meat to add to dishes in future for extra flavour? 🙄

Show quote history

😂 no because we do that back there. Didn't learn it in UK.
Some ose oil, some use little bit of fat. Same calories at the end you know.

Try it. Noce food can be lower cal AND have lots of flavour. Makes people happy. Sounds like you need it

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 16:59

EasterIssland · 13/10/2022 16:58

Not sure you realise that those with bmi 40 might not be able to do much about their weight. Many people are not obese by choice but because genetics or illnesses and losing weight is not as easy. Shall we put them down the line of the vaccine list even if they’re higher risk jusr because you are happy even if you are most likely not going to die of covid ?

Show quote history

Oh goodness… here we go

EasterIssland · 13/10/2022 16:59

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 16:56

It was less of a risk factor than being male though, and we didn’t prioritize males for the vaccine.

Show quote history

Being a man alone wasn’t a big risk. Being a man with health problems or age was.

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/10/2022 17:00

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 16:59

😂 no because we do that back there. Didn't learn it in UK.
Some ose oil, some use little bit of fat. Same calories at the end you know.

Try it. Noce food can be lower cal AND have lots of flavour. Makes people happy. Sounds like you need it

Show quote history

But you’re saying how fat you are! Don’t you see that doing things like that may just contribute to your fatness?

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 17:00

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 16:56

It was less of a risk factor than being male though, and we didn’t prioritize males for the vaccine.

Show quote history

If they weren't big mortuaries could cope imho