To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

It’s hard to know if it’s that they don’t understand, or that they won’t. The outright denial by some people of the risks associated with being obese is really strange.

Perhaps when she’s unable to make it up the stairs without sitting down for a rest, or when she’s no longer able to clean herself properly after going to the toilet.

At twenty-six stone both of these must be just around the corner.

Twice the size, eh?

Aye, of course they are.

I don't know if it's worth commenting on these threads either. Mumsnet seems to be quite a strange and polarised (and not very nice a lot of the time) place when it comes to weight issues. The gentle advice I'd offer, and only you know your daughter to know if it might be helpful or not, is that if you are thinking of talking to her making it clear you love her and think she's great just as she is I feel is important. But looking at it more from the perspective of trying to not go up further. Having an awful lot to lose is very overwhelming and a lot of advice now is about trying not to put more on, which can happen also if you get very down about it.

Despite what MN always says, there is a lot of articles now suggesting that losing saying 10% can make huge differences to people, even if they can't get into that hallowed non-obese or not overweight range. Sometimes reading this forum, it could make people feel like they can't get down to those ranges, it makes no difference to make changes at all. It's the same with exercise. Taking exercise is immensely healthy and can make a huge difference to health, whatever size you are. Again, on MN, look at how someone is trying to make the person who is getting counselling above feel bad by throwing cancer stats at them. Yes, obesity is a risk factor for cancer, but exercise reduces a lot of risk factors also. So whether obese or not, getting exercise and eating well and having good blood results is important. Maybe some should have a bit more cop on when talking about a person who has gone to a counsellor specifically due to hating their body and is getting to a better place in relation to their body. Rather than trying to make them scared and negative about their body again, there is no reason that person shouldn't be enjoying their body and getting exercise and being as healthy as they can. People have lots of different body types and also there are many who have struggled with eating disorders of many different kinds or struggled with depression. Societal pressure to dislike your body as a female is very destructive and discourages so many from enjoying their bodies and exercise and doing stuff. Feeling good about your body and caring about it at whatever size leads to people getting out and about more and taking more exercise, being less depressed, valuing and moving their body.

On your daughter, I do think it's key not to give her a shock like you've been observing her from the outside and thinking and judging her and don't think she's great as she is. I don't say you have been, it's more that society so often makes women feel ashamed. I do think you can broach it sensitively more from the angle of whether or not you can help or not. More from the point of view of it not going up and up. As it only gets harder in middle age and even if she can stop putting it on it could make a difference. EverydayI'mpuzzling's wording sounds quite loving and quite good to me.

Hadtocomment's post is great.

@EasterIssland you are being very naive (or willfully ignorant?) to think that just because your blood tests came back clear it means your are healthy. Carrying excess weight puts a huge amount of strain on your internal organs eg heart - this wont show up on a blood test.

A very quick google search will tell you that obesity “causes or is closely linked with a large number of health conditions, including heart disease, stroke, diabetes, high blood pressure, unhealthy cholesterol, asthma, sleep apnea, gallstones, kidney stones, infertility, and as many as 11 types of cancers, including leukemia, breast, and colon cancer ...”.

No - not only obese people get cancer - not sure if that is your defensive response kicking in. That said there is no doubt that being overweight increases your chances of having illness in the future. Don’t rest on the laurels of your blood test.

OP - please talk to your DD as gently as possible. My sister died in her sleep aged 29. She was obese as a result of anti depressants she had to take that caused a huge amount of weight gain v fast. Cause of death was attributed to the strain on her heat. My family is absolutely shattered and we all wish we had spoken more clearly and vocally about her weight gain in order to help her. Please dont be us. Talk honestly and with gentleness about the health risks.

Best wishes

Thanks @Hadtocomment for your comment.
my way to be happier this year is : personal trainer , nutritionist (not someone that throws a diet on me but someone that helps me making healthier choices) and counselling focused on weight. I’m doing small changes , I don’t care about my weight anymore it’s just a number what the scale says. But I have changed my life so that I can be happier with myself and I don’t run out of breath when running , again not because of weight but because exercise leads to a healthier life.

Initially when I read your OP I thought non of your business. But this does sound to really impact on her health so I’m going for yes, have a chat

As a number of others have said, it's all about what OP can do to help. OP's daughter obviously knows that she's hugely overweight, her mother pointing this out won't help. Ideas of help might include offering to cook and/or shop for her, focusing on stuff that does a good job of taking the edge off hunger whilst not being too fatty or involving too much time and/or expense to prepare. Or maybe babysitting to allow attending a group of some kind.

I know. That's why my original comment was about "people who struggle with daily activity due to their size or fitness"

Surely you agree that in this case the primary reason for the OP's daughter struggling to walk is likely to be her size though?

@DotDotaDash I think you’re the one being naive thinking that just because you’re obese you’ll be getting cancer. It’s one of the many factors but not the only one. If my doctors are not worried about my weight and I’m happy that there are doctor out there That don’t look anymore at the bmi values (a value that was invented by a white man 200 years ago just to define what normal should look like … as if bodies and many other factors wouldn’t make this number go up or lower)

many posters also naive thinking that obesity is only because you eat too much and you should eat less. Obesity is linked to many reasons … one of them being depressed. And you know what can make you depressed ? Your mum telling you you’re too fat and that you don’t look beautiful their eyes (as some posters have indicated here)

the truth is that ops daughter knows her weight. She might like what she looks like or she might be really upset about it. It has to be her decision changing her lifestyle. Not because of her weight but so that she can perform her day to day duties. But it’s to be her decision and not her mum saying “you’re obese … lose weight”

People are often resistant to hearing scary truths that are too close to home for comfort. It's human nature.

It's the same thing that stop people going to the GP when they first notice a cough or blood in their stool. Saying it out loud makes it real.

I think you have used the wrong name I didn’t say any of that 🙈

@EasterIssland The OP isn't concerned about her daughter's looks though. She's worried about her health.

It is not okay for a young woman of that age to be struggling to walk short distances. Not okay at all.

@BloodAndFire
This actually made me feel better😂 i am not crazy, nor stupid for not realising!
People always say "fat people aren't stupid they know they are fat". I had no idea how bad it was. Absolute denial. When i look down at my legs it's completely different picture to what's in mirror.
DH and I now have rule to tell each other when one of us starts putting weight on. I wish people were more open with me about how fat I was actually getting.

Sorry! It was another poster !

I would say something and try to do it in a sensitive and loving way. I said something when a close relative became extremely emaciated. I don’t see how it’s different if somebody becomes morbidly obese. You want to know you’ve done what you can to help your loved one. If they tell you to mind your own business and never mention it again, then at least you’ve tried.

Some posters have said op shouldn’t tell her daughter that she looks beautiful independently of her weight as she doesn’t with that weight

Also I am sorry but which docotrs are not using BMI? It is one of the tools which when used in conjunction with others can give pretty good picture.
As much as it sucks bmi 50 is fucking bad and no amount of "whote man too old doesn't work" will ever really change that.

This is really difficult. Sue obviously knows how overweight she is and I'm not sure that talking to her is going to help. I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this had already been mentioned, but are you overweight yourself? If so, could you say that your are going to try to lose some weight and it would help to motivate you if she joined you? Otherwise, I'd say leave well alone. If she really wants to lose weight she'll do it in her own time

Yes, that's me. I am not British born though, so you can put that down to cultural differences. I find the British denial of obesity bizarre, and I don't want anyone to tell me I am beautiful if I weigh 26 stone. I would prefer to have my mom tell me I might die by the time I am 40. No one else would care enough perhaps except DH.

At this rate she is very likely to die young, leaving her child motherless.

Perhaps you should have a tough discussion along the lines of " It's time to make proper plans for the care and support of your child when you're either disabled or dead".

What @FaazoHuyzeoSix said and some others who've been there.

Having been that mother myself (daughter gaining not to that extent, but still) I can say it only damaged our relationship and took years of work to reverse. All she heard was that she wasn't lovable as she is, that I wanted her to be "better", however I tried to present it.

Btw, I discovered something which happened to my DD in her childhood many years later, it was a one off, but it was a sort of revelation which would curdle the blood and break the heart of any parent - she kept it secret for over 15 years. I have no doubt that it was at least one of the major stones which laid the foundation to her future weight gain.

She also was in therapy for over a year or two before she decided to go back to that event in her childhood and tell what happened to a therapist, though from the moment of sharing with me she was assuring me that she had made peace with it long ago (she hadn't).
My DD also was lively and "jolly". Your appetite and the way your body gets rid of or puts away energy is not regulated on a conscious level, and it's linked first and foremost with a person's psychological state.

There is a poster who said her DH wasn't truly aware (more likely aware but in denial), but there isn't one woman in the western modern world who is overweight and not aware, the society makes sure of it.

I second what PPs said, IF she asks you for help or mentions her weight HERSELF, act on it, but do not bring it up otherwise. And the best way to help would be seeing a therapist, esp someone who specialises in psychology of weight gain.

Yes she is an adult etc but she is still your daughter and you are worried about her. Her weight doesn't just affect her lifestyle but will impact that of her child's and you have every right to be concerned. Try to have a word in the most sensitive none judgemental way you can. I think its best to know you have said something and tried than said nothing at all.

Sure because that’s really going to help her losing weight.