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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grossed out by boyfriend’s comment

161 replies

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 09:08

I was messing round in the bathroom today with my boyfriend and at one point I did a little dance (yes I know silly) to make my boobs bounce in a top without a bra on. He looked at them and said ‘ooh you’d never guess you’re 37’. I immediately looked grossed out and said ‘what so 37 year old women can’t be sexy?’ to which he said it was an innocent comment and he just meant I’m youthful and that lots of people would say that, and that he wasn’t referring to my boobs specifically. I replied that he was definitely referring to my boobs as youthful as if that’s a good thing as he was looking at them while saying it, and I was bouncing them up and down in a skimpy top. And that Only gross people would say what he said. Why does something have to be young to be attractive? It just feels a bit Peado.

I do think I’m particularly sensitive to stuff like this as I was sexually abused as a child, so any hint that someone finds youth attractive or sexy as a quality and I find it gross. I just feel youth is fetishised in general in society and we all normalise it. I do find myself angry at lots of things about that.

Weve both recently made quite a big step in our relationship (moving in) and I have noticed myself getting more annoyed than I would do for things, I think I’m worried it will go wrong as I really want it to go right and have had one unsuccessful living together with a boyfriend before. I wonder whether these worries are playing into this too and magnifying things.

My boyfriend is a lovely man and actually is more attracted to older women (all his girlfriends have been older) so I don’t think he actually is attracted to young women. He loves me and is good at understanding my sensitivities and changing his behaviour when he recognises he’s upset me (obviously not to an unreasonable degeee - I’m not controlling).

After a while he said sorry and he shouldn’t have said it, but there was a sad atmosphere when I left the house. I apologised for being sensitive and I knew he didn’t mean it in a gross way. But it still felt off. This is not a conflict I wanted to have so early in us living together and I’m now catastrophising it’s only going to get worse.

He also damaged something accidentally last night which I was a bit miffed about as it can’t be fixed, and I think he’s feeling a bit like he can’t get anything right.

OP posts:
Original poster
EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 09:08

And also I do think I’m feeling sensitive about getting older and feeling a bit threatened by younger women tbh. So the idea that youth = attractive feels like a threat

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 13/10/2022 09:09

I would have taken it as a compliment.

shmiz · 13/10/2022 09:10

I totally get why you would find that gross due to your childhood experiences
but it sounds like it was genuine compliment and that he’s a good guy??

QueenieL1 · 13/10/2022 09:10

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Mydogatemypurse · 13/10/2022 09:12

I think this is from your childhood and im sorry for how its still impacting on you.
I think he was trying to join in and thought he was complimenting you.
I hope you are ok x

MsChatterbox · 13/10/2022 09:13

Sorry for your experience in childhood op 😞. I think it's normal to be sensitive to comments like that following that. From an outsiders perspective I don't think he said anything wrong though. I think it would be good to have an open discussion with him about last night only disclosing what you're comfortable with to explain that you are sensitive to comments like that and can he be aware of this. Any respectful partner would be okay with that.

Lindy2 · 13/10/2022 09:14

I'd guess that he meant by being playful and messing around you were acting younger than your age. Dancing around like a teenager type of thing.

I wouldn't have thought that offensive. Also, there's absolutely nothing wrong with joking around and having fun at any age - I think that's a good thing in a relationship.

SnarkyBag · 13/10/2022 09:15

Understandable due to your history but massive over reaction on your part. Sorry but in your partners shoes I’d be horrified that my girlfriend considered me a bit “paedo” because of such a benign comment. It’s a shame you pushed to the point of a forced apology.

YouAreNotBatman · 13/10/2022 09:15

YANBU.

The comment was gross.

And I also agree with you about youth being fetishised (and I don’t have abuse in my past - I’m very sorry that happened to you).

SuperCamp · 13/10/2022 09:16

Well.

It wasn’t remotely ‘paedo’.

But it was a comment that came from the assumption that 37 yo women are somehow a bit past it.

And our society / men are ageist and sexist.

So it wasn’t the best of comments, and most of us feel sensitive about comments about our age.

But it sounds as if his intention was to compliment you.

MuddyBoo · 13/10/2022 09:16

I can see why you would be sensitive to that kind of comment but boob buoyancy aside, bouncing, dancing, being silly are also all youthful attributes. Sounds like he was, in a teasing way, complimenting you and enjoying that moment of silliness with you. And is probably upset that you have seen it as something sinister and gross in him.

ShineOnYouLikeMorningStar · 13/10/2022 09:16

I would also have taken it as a compliment. Much rather what he said, than have a partner say my body made me look older than my real age. TBH I think this may be more about your issues - which are valid, but it's not his fault if he occasionally misunderstands or gets the tone a bit wrong. Does he know what happened to you as a child at all?

PegasusReturns · 13/10/2022 09:19

He was commenting on your boobs being good for 37.

You’ve done two decades of ageing since commenting on your boobs would be remotely “pedo”.

phishy · 13/10/2022 09:19

Sorry to hear you were abused as a child OP Flowers

I think you have been massively oversensitive though, and I kind of feel for him if this is a regular occurrence.

Have you had any counselling for what you went through?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/10/2022 09:19

I understand you are sensitive because of your history but seriously, you are nearly 40 and he would have no interest in you if he was attracted to young girls.

If he had been pratting around trying to windmill his bits you might well have said "Nobody would think you were 37". It's a fair comment.

Marluuu · 13/10/2022 09:28

I understand your point of view, and obviously you have the right to feel the way you feel and be/not be with someone, but as an outsider and judging just by what you’ve written, I think you have overreacted and he might get a lot of pressure if he feels that he can’t get anything right, and every comment he makes gets weighted and overanalysed.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 09:33

Ive never heard anything so ridiculous and over dramatic.

MRSE20 · 13/10/2022 09:35

Completely understand why you’d be sensitive to this especially because of your past

Also 37 is no where near old and I agree his comment was a bit odd

But I do not think I would worry about this anymore and just accept it was a comment that wasn’t meant with any ill intentions

Dillwyninthebath · 13/10/2022 09:36

I agree with others, understand the sensitivity op, it's likely a leftover vigilance from your childhood, I have it sometimes too. But I think it was just a throwaway silly comment, I would have even just taken it to be about the silly dancing, not the boobs. But I understand, I overreact sometimes due to childhood abuse.

Newtrix · 13/10/2022 09:38

You sound crazy... everyone knows your boobs don't exactly age well. I'd have been chuffed.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 13/10/2022 09:40

It was a compliment, but your history has made you very sensitive - understandably so. And absolutely nothing remotely paedophile about it.

SpanishSteps123Ole · 13/10/2022 09:42

I agree with you op, I find his comment so gross

HouseBook · 13/10/2022 09:43

Ive never heard anything so ridiculous and over dramatic.

You sound crazy..

Did you people just get up and decide to be arseholes today? OP has mentioned she is sensitive due to childhood sexual abuse and this is the comments you come up with Hmm

I'm sorry for these people OP, so nasty of them.

I do think it was a bit of an odd comment, but perhaps not as bad as you think. If he is all round generally a nice guy with no red flags I could work through it.

Mariposista · 13/10/2022 09:43

So you do a dance that draws attention to you boobs, he makes a comment about them, then you get all offended? He feels bad about something he has broken and you can't just be an adult and forgive him, instead choosing to sulk? Sorry but you sound like hard work.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 09:47

HouseBook · 13/10/2022 09:43

Ive never heard anything so ridiculous and over dramatic.

You sound crazy..

Did you people just get up and decide to be arseholes today? OP has mentioned she is sensitive due to childhood sexual abuse and this is the comments you come up with Hmm

I'm sorry for these people OP, so nasty of them.

I do think it was a bit of an odd comment, but perhaps not as bad as you think. If he is all round generally a nice guy with no red flags I could work through it.

As someone who was sexually abused as a child myself, I stand by my comment thanks.

It was a compliment nothing 'paedo' about it.