To be grossed out by boyfriend’s comment

[EalingLucy]

I was messing round in the bathroom today with my boyfriend and at one point I did a little dance (yes I know silly) to make my boobs bounce in a top without a bra on. He looked at them and said ‘ooh you’d never guess you’re 37’. I immediately looked grossed out and said ‘what so 37 year old women can’t be sexy?’ to which he said it was an innocent comment and he just meant I’m youthful and that lots of people would say that, and that he wasn’t referring to my boobs specifically. I replied that he was definitely referring to my boobs as youthful as if that’s a good thing as he was looking at them while saying it, and I was bouncing them up and down in a skimpy top. And that Only gross people would say what he said. Why does something have to be young to be attractive? It just feels a bit Peado.

I do think I’m particularly sensitive to stuff like this as I was sexually abused as a child, so any hint that someone finds youth attractive or sexy as a quality and I find it gross. I just feel youth is fetishised in general in society and we all normalise it. I do find myself angry at lots of things about that.

Weve both recently made quite a big step in our relationship (moving in) and I have noticed myself getting more annoyed than I would do for things, I think I’m worried it will go wrong as I really want it to go right and have had one unsuccessful living together with a boyfriend before. I wonder whether these worries are playing into this too and magnifying things.

My boyfriend is a lovely man and actually is more attracted to older women (all his girlfriends have been older) so I don’t think he actually is attracted to young women. He loves me and is good at understanding my sensitivities and changing his behaviour when he recognises he’s upset me (obviously not to an unreasonable degeee - I’m not controlling).

After a while he said sorry and he shouldn’t have said it, but there was a sad atmosphere when I left the house. I apologised for being sensitive and I knew he didn’t mean it in a gross way. But it still felt off. This is not a conflict I wanted to have so early in us living together and I’m now catastrophising it’s only going to get worse.

He also damaged something accidentally last night which I was a bit miffed about as it can’t be fixed, and I think he’s feeling a bit like he can’t get anything right.

I think you are being far too sensitive. Our breasts sag with age, he was simply saying how good you look.

Are you really ready for a relationship OP? I sort of feel sorry for your boyfriend, sounds as though he's walking on egg shells around you.....

I'd have just taken it as a compliment.

Your boyfriend can’t win, can he ?

There's a big difference between saying someone looks youthful and being a depraved paedo. If she were 18 and someone commented how much younger and sexier she looked I might agree but she's 37 FFS. I'm 49 and if my husband said I had the boobs of a woman half my age I'd be delighted. I don't so he won't but I think sadly this op is understandably sensitive due to her past but don't vilify the poor OH and make out he's some sort of sicko.

I think you need to remember that he does not have your history, so that to him, what he said was completely fine. In fact he tried to complement you. Liking playful behaviour doesn't mean he is a peado, neither does liking young looking boobs (if that is what they are). I don't think you necessarily need to apologise to him, but I think you need to explain your reaction so you can avoid situations like these going forward.

Sorry about your past OP. But you're being oversensitive. I would have laughed or taken it as a compliment.

Sounds like there is something more though... like you were unconsciously looking for an argument? Do you feel that your experience hasn't been processed well enough or acknowledged ? Maybe you were being over sensitive so that you have an opportunity to talk about it again?

I would think about this and speak with your BF as he must feel like he's got to walk on eggs with you!

I think it was intended as a compliment for your (1) playful manner and (2) jiggly boobs

I think your history is clouding your view on this

I agree I really dont think this relationship will work at all.

Because most 37 year olds don't bounce around? It was a throwaway comment and you are taking it way way too seriously.
And finding it gross? I don't get that at all, even with your past.

It sounds like he was just joking around with you. I wouldn't take it as a sexual comment but more of a teasing one because you were acting silly.

This. Sorry about your history, that must be hard, but that was atrial overreaction.

You were showing off your boobs. He complimented your boobs.

It’s not going to last unless you get a grip on how you choose to interpret his perfectly normal comments. I can’t believe he apologised. He’s quickly learning to police himself so you don’t have a go at him.

I totally agree with you about the societal fetishisation of youth and I can really see why you would be extra sensitive to it. You are overthinking it...And that's OK! It's OK if we think YABU, you're allowed to have any reaction you want.

Talk to your boyfriend about it. Outline why it made you uncomfortable but that he also didnt do anything wrong. Noone is in the wrong. Communication is key while you take your relationship forward.

Id have been chuffed, my boobs definitely look their age.

However if my partner described me as a little bit peado, regardless of their past. I wouldn't stay with them. He's going to be treading on eggshells now.

Maybe living together was a bit soon for you both. It's not something you have to do.

However it doesn't matter what we think. You need to have a chat with your bloke.

You've done enough self analysis on this to realise it might be an over reaction from your past experiences. Thats good.

Getting to the point of forcing an apology out of him when, i suspect, he still doesn't really think he did anything wrong. Thats bad.

You making him responsible for your emotions is co-dependance and this relationship could be heading for a bad place if this continues.

Hi, I don't think what he said was wrong, I do recommend that you get some counselling if you haven't already as this relationship is not going to be healthy for both of you, I say this from experience I was abused in my youth and I got with a lovely man (I told him of the abuse), but I didn't go to counselling as I felt I had dealt with issues and I treated him appallingly, which I didn't realise until we went to couple counselling.

I think your childhood is sadly affecting you in this case.
Its true that a woman’s boobs do sag as they get older. Just a natural fact so what he said is truthful. Not that saggier / floppier boobs arnt attractive but a 40 year olds are generally not the same as a 20 year olds.
He was just saying yours look good- but insensitive maybe but I don’t think you need to be that angry about it?

Kindly, you're being very sensitive. Your past issues need addressing with a professional, you don't have to live with that anger

Boobs sag as we age. He was commenting on their buoyancy is all and being complimentary.

It sounds like he was trying to compliment you.

Have you moved in too quickly together?

Because it sounds like he's getting on your tits....apologies for the pun! and that can indicate you have moved in too quickly.

Men salivating over young women is gross, but I don't think he was doing that.

This was a compliment - please take it as such.

'Gross' and 'Peado' (sic)?

I'd have never guessed you were 37 either. Irrespective of your past, you sound childish and very much like a mover of goalposts. I'd be running, were I him.

As someone who was sexually abused as a child myself, I stand by my comment thanks.

Lack of empathy can be a symptom of trauma. It's important to be sensitive to other people regardless of what we've been through ourselves.

OP I think he was just complimenting your figure/playful behaviour. I don't think there was anything sinister in it at all.

Talk to him about it. Then he'll know why comments like that are triggering for you and hopefully he'll understand. But he didn't set out to gross you out, so I think you should apologise to him and kiss & make up.