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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grossed out by boyfriend’s comment

161 replies

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 09:08

I was messing round in the bathroom today with my boyfriend and at one point I did a little dance (yes I know silly) to make my boobs bounce in a top without a bra on. He looked at them and said ‘ooh you’d never guess you’re 37’. I immediately looked grossed out and said ‘what so 37 year old women can’t be sexy?’ to which he said it was an innocent comment and he just meant I’m youthful and that lots of people would say that, and that he wasn’t referring to my boobs specifically. I replied that he was definitely referring to my boobs as youthful as if that’s a good thing as he was looking at them while saying it, and I was bouncing them up and down in a skimpy top. And that Only gross people would say what he said. Why does something have to be young to be attractive? It just feels a bit Peado.

I do think I’m particularly sensitive to stuff like this as I was sexually abused as a child, so any hint that someone finds youth attractive or sexy as a quality and I find it gross. I just feel youth is fetishised in general in society and we all normalise it. I do find myself angry at lots of things about that.

Weve both recently made quite a big step in our relationship (moving in) and I have noticed myself getting more annoyed than I would do for things, I think I’m worried it will go wrong as I really want it to go right and have had one unsuccessful living together with a boyfriend before. I wonder whether these worries are playing into this too and magnifying things.

My boyfriend is a lovely man and actually is more attracted to older women (all his girlfriends have been older) so I don’t think he actually is attracted to young women. He loves me and is good at understanding my sensitivities and changing his behaviour when he recognises he’s upset me (obviously not to an unreasonable degeee - I’m not controlling).

After a while he said sorry and he shouldn’t have said it, but there was a sad atmosphere when I left the house. I apologised for being sensitive and I knew he didn’t mean it in a gross way. But it still felt off. This is not a conflict I wanted to have so early in us living together and I’m now catastrophising it’s only going to get worse.

He also damaged something accidentally last night which I was a bit miffed about as it can’t be fixed, and I think he’s feeling a bit like he can’t get anything right.

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 13/10/2022 12:52

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 09:08

And also I do think I’m feeling sensitive about getting older and feeling a bit threatened by younger women tbh. So the idea that youth = attractive feels like a threat

Unsure why everyone is ignoring this. It’s a huge statement. Why do you feel threatened by younger women?

BellePeppa · 13/10/2022 12:55

I’m very sorry for your abusive past but oh boy does this man have his work cut out walking over the eggshells you’re laying out for him.

Seaweed42 · 13/10/2022 12:55

Is he younger than you?

Floweryflora · 13/10/2022 12:57

Seaweed42 · 13/10/2022 12:55

Is he younger than you?

I wondered that…

Bahhhhhumbug · 13/10/2022 13:00

Sorry its called 'An' Innocent Man
An Innocent Man g.co/kgs/XMLXTX

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 13/10/2022 13:01

Seaweed42 · 13/10/2022 12:55

Is he younger than you?

I'm assuming so as the OP said:

My boyfriend is a lovely man and actually is more attracted to older women (all his girlfriends have been older)

OP has taken responsibility for the fact that her viewpoint is a bit distorted by having been a victim of crime in the past, I think she deserves credit for that.

Randomgal28 · 13/10/2022 13:10

I don’t understand how’s it’s ‘paedoy’ when children don’t have boobs!?!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/10/2022 13:13

I agree with a PP. I don't think you're ready for a relationship.

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 13:15

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 10:23

Thanks everyone, especially to those that have been kind.

I have apologised to him again and said I know I’m being over sensitive and will work on my reactions to these things. And that I know he’s not remotely dodgy. He has been understanding. He said he just doesn’t want to hurt me which broke my heart a bit, I don’t want to make him feel bad.

he knows some of the stuff from when I was younger but not all - I’ve had a lot of trauma and it doesn’t feel fair to lump it all on him and I don’t want to cast myself as a victim. I have had a fair bit of therapy but don’t feel it’s really helped on the childhood sexual abuse - in fact one therapist said that it was more ‘understandable’ / not as bad because the boy that touched me when I was 6 was 14/15 and he wouldn’t have known what he was doing / was probably abused himself (a harmful myth - not everyone that abuses has been abused)

to be clear, I didn’t call him a paedo to his face - just said it was a bit gross and I wanted to be seen as sexy as a 37 year old

I definitely don’t want him walking on eggshells and I will work on this codependency. I believe I am ready for a relationship as I am self aware and in general a lovely girlfriend, just sometimes over sensitive

also, I wasn’t difficult about him damaging something - I was totally forgiving and have said it’s not a big deal. But I noticed I was inwardly annoyed which wasn’t a helpful reaction. I think I’m just getting used to having someone in my flat for the first time in a while, all the time. Very different to dating even tho we spent big chunks of time together. I’ll adjust.

Well done! You are ready for a relationship. This is just friction where you become aware of each other’s hang ups and figure out how to navigate them. Best wishes. Xx

CrackingcheeseWallace · 13/10/2022 13:15

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 11:18

Pervy/Pervert = a person whose sexual behaviour is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable.

You are sending him mixed messages, You laugh at him being 'pervy' then accuse him of being a paedo when he is doing what you have prevously laughed at him for.

Show quote history

this ^

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 13:17

Viviennemary · 13/10/2022 12:43

As can be seen by this thread people would react differently to his comment. . If you are very upset by it I would say he is not the right partner for you.

But given that it was an innocuous comment pretty much anyone could have said the same, suggesting that the issue isn’t with the OP’s boyfriend.

Whitepouringglue · 13/10/2022 13:17

I understand where you're coming from and his comment is a sad reflection on our society but at the same time, you're not going to last the course if you're this sensitive. I feel sorry for both of you.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/10/2022 13:18

Er.. you were messing about being silly jiggling your boobs around behaving in a very immature way...

My OH says similar about me (but I'm 42)... because I am messing about being silly.

To leap from 'you're not acting the stereotype of your age' to 'you are acting like a toddler' is a bit extreme on your part, particularly when what he said was almost certainly intended as a compliment!

You need to work on your issues, this is a you problem, not a him problem.

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 13:18

Whitepouringglue · 13/10/2022 13:17

I understand where you're coming from and his comment is a sad reflection on our society but at the same time, you're not going to last the course if you're this sensitive. I feel sorry for both of you.

A sad reflection on our society how? It’s not “society” that causes our breasts to sag a bit as we get older.

TeefAsseblief · 13/10/2022 13:24

I'm guessing he didn't force you to put a skimpy top on and dance around to make your boobs move so he could look at them?

Why are you doing something provocative and calling him gross for commenting?

He is better off out of this relationship, and you need to work further on your past. EMDR therapy can be very effective.

Cloverforever · 13/10/2022 13:27

I think you put him in a no-win situation. Although, i understand why.

ParsleyTL · 13/10/2022 13:30

You are overreacting massively to an attempted compliment.

You need to come to terms with your own issues with aging. In general it’s a simple fact that someone in their twenties is more attractive than they will be in their thirties, and someone in their thirties looks better than they will in their fifties, seventies, etc. You already know that, why are you reacting so negatively to someone stating a fact? Are you worried your boyfriend won’t fancy you when you’re older?

Moveoverdarlin · 13/10/2022 13:32

It was a compliment. I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. You’re 37, how can saying you look good for your age be interpreted as anything close to a paedo? Poor bloke he’s going to have to be very careful what he says in the future. How about saying ‘Joan Collins looks great for 90’. Is that a bit paedo?

ISpyNoPlumPie · 13/10/2022 13:37

It seems I'm in the minority, but I wouldn't perceive this as compliment - even if that was the intention. If the person you're hoping to grow old with really values your young looking bouncy boobs, they are going to spend most of the rest of their lives disappointed and you're going to feel physically inadequate. To be told my boobs aren't as saggy as the average 37yo woman's are would just make me feel a bit sad. My thoughts wouldn't have turned to that being "a bit paedo" but OP your childhood experiences are different to my own.. I have bigger boobs and they have always been fetishised (and groped) by men so I really don't like to be objectified in that kind of way.

cushioncovers · 13/10/2022 13:44

You are bringing your past traumas into your new relationship, that won't end well sadly. Your interpretation of his comment doesn't reflect his intention when he said it. You were dancing around half naked messing about and he tried to compliment you on a part of your body. Unless there's more to it than you've mentioned then I think you read far too much into it because of your past.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/10/2022 13:44

I would also be a bit grossed out by this OP: not because its particularly paedo sounding but it just suggests a bit of a sexist mindset that women are no good after a certain age.

I might cut him a bit of slack as it's not the worst offence but it wouldn't make me want to jump into bed with him, let's put it like that.

And people saying this is "crazy" need to wind their necks in and raise their personal standards a bit.

Sirius3030 · 13/10/2022 13:47

Mumsnet: red flags - pervert- run for the hills.
it sounds to me like a compliment in response to your actions.

PickAnyName · 13/10/2022 13:51

He meant it as a compliment. I suspect your history of abuse is (naturally) preying on your mind. As you have already had an unsuccessful relationship, do you think you might subconsciously be trying to push him away to avoid that happening again? A kind of self-defeating approach where you are tying to protect yourself, but it backfires? I would say assume he means well unless you have evidence to the contrary. Is he aware of your history of abuse? I suggest you take the time to have a heart-to-heart talk so each knows what might be a sensitive issue for the other. As to something being broken, what's more important - the thing that was broken, or the relationship? Only you can decide what matters most to you, and if it's worth pursuing and persevering with this relationship. After all, in the words of the song "".

user1471457751 · 13/10/2022 13:53

I wouldn't have taken that as a comment on your boobs at all but rather your behaviour. If I was in the bathroom with a bloke and he started swinging his dick about of course I would look at it while also calling him ridiculous/immature (this is how I would interpret your boyfriends youthful comment).

Even if he was commenting on your boobs surely that is what you wanted? Why else be jiggling them about in a skimpy top? You can't act out to get him to look at your boobs and then complain when he does. And there is nothing 'peado' about liking boobs - actual paedophiles will not be turned on by breasts.

Respectfullydisagree · 13/10/2022 13:59

I’m forever saying things that in my head sound normal but then saying them out loud it comes out weird or not as intended then I think why the hell did I say that? Y’know? I think everyone does.

Maybe your boyfriend said it before thinking it through, meaning it harmlessly but not realising you’ll not appreciate it. If it’s a one off I’d say try forget about it, if it happens all the time maybe just try bring it up for him to maybe be more thoughtful in future.

I do hope it works out for you 🤞