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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grossed out by boyfriend’s comment

161 replies

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 09:08

I was messing round in the bathroom today with my boyfriend and at one point I did a little dance (yes I know silly) to make my boobs bounce in a top without a bra on. He looked at them and said ‘ooh you’d never guess you’re 37’. I immediately looked grossed out and said ‘what so 37 year old women can’t be sexy?’ to which he said it was an innocent comment and he just meant I’m youthful and that lots of people would say that, and that he wasn’t referring to my boobs specifically. I replied that he was definitely referring to my boobs as youthful as if that’s a good thing as he was looking at them while saying it, and I was bouncing them up and down in a skimpy top. And that Only gross people would say what he said. Why does something have to be young to be attractive? It just feels a bit Peado.

I do think I’m particularly sensitive to stuff like this as I was sexually abused as a child, so any hint that someone finds youth attractive or sexy as a quality and I find it gross. I just feel youth is fetishised in general in society and we all normalise it. I do find myself angry at lots of things about that.

Weve both recently made quite a big step in our relationship (moving in) and I have noticed myself getting more annoyed than I would do for things, I think I’m worried it will go wrong as I really want it to go right and have had one unsuccessful living together with a boyfriend before. I wonder whether these worries are playing into this too and magnifying things.

My boyfriend is a lovely man and actually is more attracted to older women (all his girlfriends have been older) so I don’t think he actually is attracted to young women. He loves me and is good at understanding my sensitivities and changing his behaviour when he recognises he’s upset me (obviously not to an unreasonable degeee - I’m not controlling).

After a while he said sorry and he shouldn’t have said it, but there was a sad atmosphere when I left the house. I apologised for being sensitive and I knew he didn’t mean it in a gross way. But it still felt off. This is not a conflict I wanted to have so early in us living together and I’m now catastrophising it’s only going to get worse.

He also damaged something accidentally last night which I was a bit miffed about as it can’t be fixed, and I think he’s feeling a bit like he can’t get anything right.

OP posts:
mumofninetofive · 13/10/2022 10:16

Take it as a compliment OP your way over thinking this.

As for the peado comment, good grief get a life.....

bigblueyonder · 13/10/2022 10:17

Sounded like he meant well and intended it as a compliment- maybe it was a bit clumsy.

Can you blame him though- been seen as youthful is shoved in everyone's faces these days. Look at the pressure on women to look young with face creams, botox, clothes etc...

ouch321 · 13/10/2022 10:17

So you were attention seeking then got pissed off as he gave you attention.

Sounds very childish.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 10:17

georgarina · 13/10/2022 10:12

As someone who was sexually abused as a child myself, I stand by my comment thanks.

Lack of empathy can be a symptom of trauma. It's important to be sensitive to other people regardless of what we've been through ourselves.

I do have empathy towards her boyfriend, that really is no way to live.

Wombat27A · 13/10/2022 10:21

You've not adjusted to having someone in your space all the time.

You're not being fair to him.

gannett · 13/10/2022 10:21

With all sympathy to the OP for what she's been through, accusing someone else of being a paedophile is not something you can take back or that they can unhear. He must be absolutely gutted that that's what you think of him.

Thurst · 13/10/2022 10:22

Nothing sinister about it at all.
Get him a take way/cook him a meal apologies and tell him you will try not to be overly sensitive in the future and you appreciate his understanding.

Original poster
EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 10:23

Thanks everyone, especially to those that have been kind.

I have apologised to him again and said I know I’m being over sensitive and will work on my reactions to these things. And that I know he’s not remotely dodgy. He has been understanding. He said he just doesn’t want to hurt me which broke my heart a bit, I don’t want to make him feel bad.

he knows some of the stuff from when I was younger but not all - I’ve had a lot of trauma and it doesn’t feel fair to lump it all on him and I don’t want to cast myself as a victim. I have had a fair bit of therapy but don’t feel it’s really helped on the childhood sexual abuse - in fact one therapist said that it was more ‘understandable’ / not as bad because the boy that touched me when I was 6 was 14/15 and he wouldn’t have known what he was doing / was probably abused himself (a harmful myth - not everyone that abuses has been abused)

to be clear, I didn’t call him a paedo to his face - just said it was a bit gross and I wanted to be seen as sexy as a 37 year old

I definitely don’t want him walking on eggshells and I will work on this codependency. I believe I am ready for a relationship as I am self aware and in general a lovely girlfriend, just sometimes over sensitive

also, I wasn’t difficult about him damaging something - I was totally forgiving and have said it’s not a big deal. But I noticed I was inwardly annoyed which wasn’t a helpful reaction. I think I’m just getting used to having someone in my flat for the first time in a while, all the time. Very different to dating even tho we spent big chunks of time together. I’ll adjust.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 13/10/2022 10:24

My 37 year old breasts are sad, saggy and empty. So I would be delighted with this compliment! You’re going to be more sensitive than others but you can state how his comment made you feel whilst also reassuring him it’s not his fault. It’s also not your fault for feeling that way. Neither of you are to blame here.

Ofcourseshecan · 13/10/2022 10:31

Mydogatemypurse · 13/10/2022 09:12

I think this is from your childhood and im sorry for how its still impacting on you.
I think he was trying to join in and thought he was complimenting you.
I hope you are ok x

Exactly what I was going to say. Don’t let your childhood ruin your present.

gannett · 13/10/2022 10:31

to be clear, I didn’t call him a paedo to his face - just said it was a bit gross and I wanted to be seen as sexy as a 37 year old

Oh this is definitely not as bad as I was thinking. I'm glad you've talked it through.

It's fine to be inwardly annoyed when someone damages something! It's an annoying thing that happened. Part of learning to live with someone is just learning not to show it which you did.

Zeeza · 13/10/2022 10:32

I dont think it's unreasonable to dislike the comment. It was a bit naff and backhanded.

But I don't think that it has anything to do with liking underage girls. I think that is unfair.

If you're spending lots of time together and speaking freely some things are going to be said that aren't perfectly phrased. You're going to be happier if you can move on quickly if something that was not meant unkindly went down badly.

Worriedaboutethics · 13/10/2022 10:34

@EalingLucy

with out doubt a compliment.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/10/2022 10:34

I'd have taken it as a comment at your playful dancing rather than your boobs.

LadyLothbrook · 13/10/2022 10:34

From your childhood. I was sexually abused and I can often take comments like that the wrong way as its instilled in me. It's like I'm constantly on hyper alert for nonces. Awful really. Let this one go OP. Your DP sounds OK :)

gretr · 13/10/2022 10:34

Honestly it sounds nothing to do with your breasts, more the fact you were joking around and being silly, hence not acting like a grown up.

Brookland · 13/10/2022 10:38

It's you ,not him.

OldFan · 13/10/2022 10:38

Boobs do sag with age, at least to some extent.

All he was saying is that yours are not as saggy as the average woman's are (or he assumes they are) at your age.

WonderingWanda · 13/10/2022 10:39

I think given your history and the fact you are here asking this it shows you are aware that you aren't always able to rationally judge for yourself and it's great that you have that awareness and can ask. This case I really don't think he was making any reference to young girls rather paying you a slightly clumsy compliment.

Of course in an ideal world old saggy breasts would also be considered beautiful but let's be honest with ourselves they aren't. Just like saggy testicles and wrinkly necks and warty noses and liver spots aren't. Ageing happens but what we can all hope for is the we share our lives with someone who values more than just our appearance.

OldFan · 13/10/2022 10:40

I'd have taken it as a comment at your playful dancing rather than your boobs.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted OP said he was staring at her boobs when he said it.

Livpool · 13/10/2022 10:46

gamerchick · 13/10/2022 10:01

Id have been chuffed, my boobs definitely look their age.

However if my partner described me as a little bit peado, regardless of their past. I wouldn't stay with them. He's going to be treading on eggshells now.

Maybe living together was a bit soon for you both. It's not something you have to do.

However it doesn't matter what we think. You need to have a chat with your bloke.

I agree with this - your boyfriend must be mortified. And it does sound like in your eyes that he can't do anything right

cutthelawn · 13/10/2022 10:46

*YANBU.

The comment was gross.

And I also agree with you about youth being fetishised (and I don’t have abuse in my past - I’m very sorry that happened to you*

i don't agree with this at all. I am 37 next month and whilst I don't think I am past it I still think people 10-15 years younger than me would be fitter and better looking physically.

I'd say the same for men. We generally are biologically fitter and in our physical primes in our 20s.

Badgirlriri · 13/10/2022 10:48

YABU it was a compliment

don’t look for offence

Original poster
EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 10:49

Yeah just to be clear, he was looking at my boobs and he had his ‘pervy’ voice and look on - it’s a joke and we laugh about it but he does a lascivious alter ego that can come out in sexual moments. I don’t think it was my dancing he was referring to

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 10:52

‘pervy’ voice

I honestly dont think you are ready for a relationship with this guy, pervy and paedo are very strong words to be describing your boyfriend.

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