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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grossed out by boyfriend’s comment

161 replies

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 09:08

I was messing round in the bathroom today with my boyfriend and at one point I did a little dance (yes I know silly) to make my boobs bounce in a top without a bra on. He looked at them and said ‘ooh you’d never guess you’re 37’. I immediately looked grossed out and said ‘what so 37 year old women can’t be sexy?’ to which he said it was an innocent comment and he just meant I’m youthful and that lots of people would say that, and that he wasn’t referring to my boobs specifically. I replied that he was definitely referring to my boobs as youthful as if that’s a good thing as he was looking at them while saying it, and I was bouncing them up and down in a skimpy top. And that Only gross people would say what he said. Why does something have to be young to be attractive? It just feels a bit Peado.

I do think I’m particularly sensitive to stuff like this as I was sexually abused as a child, so any hint that someone finds youth attractive or sexy as a quality and I find it gross. I just feel youth is fetishised in general in society and we all normalise it. I do find myself angry at lots of things about that.

Weve both recently made quite a big step in our relationship (moving in) and I have noticed myself getting more annoyed than I would do for things, I think I’m worried it will go wrong as I really want it to go right and have had one unsuccessful living together with a boyfriend before. I wonder whether these worries are playing into this too and magnifying things.

My boyfriend is a lovely man and actually is more attracted to older women (all his girlfriends have been older) so I don’t think he actually is attracted to young women. He loves me and is good at understanding my sensitivities and changing his behaviour when he recognises he’s upset me (obviously not to an unreasonable degeee - I’m not controlling).

After a while he said sorry and he shouldn’t have said it, but there was a sad atmosphere when I left the house. I apologised for being sensitive and I knew he didn’t mean it in a gross way. But it still felt off. This is not a conflict I wanted to have so early in us living together and I’m now catastrophising it’s only going to get worse.

He also damaged something accidentally last night which I was a bit miffed about as it can’t be fixed, and I think he’s feeling a bit like he can’t get anything right.

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 13/10/2022 14:01

Don't deliberately jiggle your boobs around if you don't want the comments!

Italiangreyhound · 13/10/2022 14:02

Good to read your update.

I totally agree he meant it as a compliment and there is nothing gross or odd about it. You are clearly still very affected by your earlier experiences, which is totally understandable.

As far as breaking something, if it was an accident, there is no point being angry about it. If it cannot be fixed, can it be replaced?

Good luck with the new relationship. I do hope it works out, He sounds lovely. As do you. XX

Floweryflora · 13/10/2022 14:02

user1471457751 · 13/10/2022 13:53

I wouldn't have taken that as a comment on your boobs at all but rather your behaviour. If I was in the bathroom with a bloke and he started swinging his dick about of course I would look at it while also calling him ridiculous/immature (this is how I would interpret your boyfriends youthful comment).

Even if he was commenting on your boobs surely that is what you wanted? Why else be jiggling them about in a skimpy top? You can't act out to get him to look at your boobs and then complain when he does. And there is nothing 'peado' about liking boobs - actual paedophiles will not be turned on by breasts.

To be fair I also suspect he was referring to the behaviour even if he was perking on her boobs.

CookPassBabtridge · 13/10/2022 14:10

No abuse here and I think it's a bit grim in this female youth obsessed society.

Original poster
EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 14:20

Thanks everyone. Just to reiterate - and did not and have never called him a Paedo! I said I found it a bit gross and sad that the implication was a 37 year old woman wouldn’t have nice boobs. I want to feel attractive, yes, and compliments are good - but I don’t like the implication it’s despite of my age. Women should be allowed to age AND be sexy. And perceptions of ‘older’ women shouldn’t be that they an anomoly. There are plenty of attractive older women out there, If society just chose to see them.

OP posts:
Original poster
EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 14:21

*I did not - typo

i just used the word here. It would never cross my lips to him as I know that’s not what he is.

OP posts:
InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 14:23

You can be absolutely sexy 37 year old but gravity is a twat, there is no denying that.
Also works on the balls😁

AliceS1994 · 13/10/2022 14:42

I agree the wording is a bit cringy but as a one off comment I wouldn't stress. Were all entitled to say something embarrassing in the heat of the moment from time to time!

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 17:23

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 14:20

Thanks everyone. Just to reiterate - and did not and have never called him a Paedo! I said I found it a bit gross and sad that the implication was a 37 year old woman wouldn’t have nice boobs. I want to feel attractive, yes, and compliments are good - but I don’t like the implication it’s despite of my age. Women should be allowed to age AND be sexy. And perceptions of ‘older’ women shouldn’t be that they an anomoly. There are plenty of attractive older women out there, If society just chose to see them.

Breasts will sag over time. Him commenting that your haven’t yet after you showed him how they bounce is not “sad.”

The poor man, he just can’t win, can he?

Naunet · 13/10/2022 17:45

Notaboutthebass · 13/10/2022 14:01

Don't deliberately jiggle your boobs around if you don't want the comments!

Yeah, it’s annoying when abuse survivors aren’t instantly over their abuse, isn’t it? If only they could be as empathic and compassionate as you are.

Notanotherwindow · 13/10/2022 18:19

I get what he meant tbh. If you reach your mid 30s and your boobs are pointing any direction but south, you're doing pretty well and probably look more like you're in your 20s than 30s.

Looking young doesn't automatically equate to looking childlike.

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 18:27

Women should be allowed to age AND be sexy. And perceptions of ‘older’ women shouldn’t be that they an anomoly. There are plenty of attractive older women out there, If society just chose to see them.

Im afraid that this is wishful thinking. We all get less attractive and less sexy as we age. That’s just biology. Sexiness and sexual attraction are biologically hardwired to be towards mates of prime breeding age.

Scottishguy · 13/10/2022 18:48

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 10:23

Thanks everyone, especially to those that have been kind.

I have apologised to him again and said I know I’m being over sensitive and will work on my reactions to these things. And that I know he’s not remotely dodgy. He has been understanding. He said he just doesn’t want to hurt me which broke my heart a bit, I don’t want to make him feel bad.

he knows some of the stuff from when I was younger but not all - I’ve had a lot of trauma and it doesn’t feel fair to lump it all on him and I don’t want to cast myself as a victim. I have had a fair bit of therapy but don’t feel it’s really helped on the childhood sexual abuse - in fact one therapist said that it was more ‘understandable’ / not as bad because the boy that touched me when I was 6 was 14/15 and he wouldn’t have known what he was doing / was probably abused himself (a harmful myth - not everyone that abuses has been abused)

to be clear, I didn’t call him a paedo to his face - just said it was a bit gross and I wanted to be seen as sexy as a 37 year old

I definitely don’t want him walking on eggshells and I will work on this codependency. I believe I am ready for a relationship as I am self aware and in general a lovely girlfriend, just sometimes over sensitive

also, I wasn’t difficult about him damaging something - I was totally forgiving and have said it’s not a big deal. But I noticed I was inwardly annoyed which wasn’t a helpful reaction. I think I’m just getting used to having someone in my flat for the first time in a while, all the time. Very different to dating even tho we spent big chunks of time together. I’ll adjust.

I don't think it was toxic but understand why it's been difficult for you. I respect the way you've taken on the comments here. Good luck.

LimpBiskit · 13/10/2022 18:49

Summerhouse2013 · 13/10/2022 09:48

I think you are being far too sensitive. Our breasts sag with age, he was simply saying how good you look.

Are you really ready for a relationship OP? I sort of feel sorry for your boyfriend, sounds as though he's walking on egg shells around you.....

This. I'd suggest you do some work on your past experiences to stop them polluting any new relationships.

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 19:06

Naunet · 13/10/2022 17:45

Yeah, it’s annoying when abuse survivors aren’t instantly over their abuse, isn’t it? If only they could be as empathic and compassionate as you are.

Show quote history

What a strange post. No-one’s suggesting what you are railing against, have you replied to the wrong poster?

Calandor · 13/10/2022 19:24

Tbh I don't think it was that bad. He just meant you've got the same boobs at 37 as at 27 probably.

I understand why you personally are creeped out by such comments, but in this case I don't think it was pedo-like as boobs can be youthful on a fully adult woman as well as a teen.

BadNomad · 13/10/2022 19:38

Your head took something small and escalated it to something extreme. Not old = young = paedo. It's sad that this is something he had to apologise over and something you had to "forgive". I do think you need to explore your reaction more. It's not going to do your relationship any good long-term if you're going to have to "forgive" him for things that he hasn't done wrong.

Wrinklydinkly · 13/10/2022 20:17

Poor man. It must be like walking on egg shells .

PoundOfNesh · 13/10/2022 20:21

You sound like you’re not ready for a relationship, you need a lot more time to work on yourself, especially your second post about being jealous of younger women.

you sound like a deeply unhappy and traumatised woman, and it’s not this man’s fault or job to deal with the consequences of that

diffandproud · 13/10/2022 20:26

Your reaction was completely OTT. You were totally in the wrong here and actually even a bit odd to even think of it as anything but a compliment. I'm sure it has to do with your childhood trauma but maybe you need to get some help with processing what you went through. Your boyfriend said nothing gross here.

Imissmybabygirl · 13/10/2022 20:47

My husband once 'complimented' my 40 something body with even more 'cringey' wording. But that compliment actually made me feel rather sad as I have to come to terms my skin, my body is expectedly going downhill.

I think we all have to come to terms with our aging body at some point.

MightyOaks · 13/10/2022 21:00

You've assumed your partner is a paedo because he complimented your youthfulness?

PinkSyCo · 13/10/2022 21:02

Your boyfriends comment was not in any way gross. Have you had therapy for what you’ve been through? If not, I would suggest you get some because your bf will get fed up of having to tiptoe around you eventually.

LoveJK · 13/10/2022 21:12

MightyOaks · 13/10/2022 21:00

You've assumed your partner is a paedo because he complimented your youthfulness?

I know that this is taking things a bit off topic but…

I really hate the way that “paedo” is now used as an insult for men who are interested in women in their late teens or even their twenties.

Paedophilia means someone attracted to prepubescent children, it’s rightly regarded as perhaps the worst thing that someone can be (those that act on it) in our society, and it should never be used to describe a man, even one who’s middle-aged or older, who’s attracted to a woman in her early twenties.

There are plenty of other societal and social reasons to question this sort of thing, but it is not paedophilia.

It’s similar to someone saying that they’ve been raped when what has actually happened is that they’ve been charged an outrageous amount of money for a burger at a festival.

Language matters, especially when it is specific and precise language around sexual crimes. This matters both because we should not dilute the meaning of the words used for the most horrific crimes which we know and because it is always wrong to label someone as a paedophile when they clearly are. It.

Anyway, apologies for the derail.

SallyWD · 13/10/2022 21:15

He was either saying you seemed youthful dancing around or it was a comment that your breasts look perky. I'd have no problem with his comment. It's just a fact of life that breasts get a bit saggy as you age. It was a compliment. I'm sorry to hear of your past.