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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grossed out by boyfriend’s comment

161 replies

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 09:08

I was messing round in the bathroom today with my boyfriend and at one point I did a little dance (yes I know silly) to make my boobs bounce in a top without a bra on. He looked at them and said ‘ooh you’d never guess you’re 37’. I immediately looked grossed out and said ‘what so 37 year old women can’t be sexy?’ to which he said it was an innocent comment and he just meant I’m youthful and that lots of people would say that, and that he wasn’t referring to my boobs specifically. I replied that he was definitely referring to my boobs as youthful as if that’s a good thing as he was looking at them while saying it, and I was bouncing them up and down in a skimpy top. And that Only gross people would say what he said. Why does something have to be young to be attractive? It just feels a bit Peado.

I do think I’m particularly sensitive to stuff like this as I was sexually abused as a child, so any hint that someone finds youth attractive or sexy as a quality and I find it gross. I just feel youth is fetishised in general in society and we all normalise it. I do find myself angry at lots of things about that.

Weve both recently made quite a big step in our relationship (moving in) and I have noticed myself getting more annoyed than I would do for things, I think I’m worried it will go wrong as I really want it to go right and have had one unsuccessful living together with a boyfriend before. I wonder whether these worries are playing into this too and magnifying things.

My boyfriend is a lovely man and actually is more attracted to older women (all his girlfriends have been older) so I don’t think he actually is attracted to young women. He loves me and is good at understanding my sensitivities and changing his behaviour when he recognises he’s upset me (obviously not to an unreasonable degeee - I’m not controlling).

After a while he said sorry and he shouldn’t have said it, but there was a sad atmosphere when I left the house. I apologised for being sensitive and I knew he didn’t mean it in a gross way. But it still felt off. This is not a conflict I wanted to have so early in us living together and I’m now catastrophising it’s only going to get worse.

He also damaged something accidentally last night which I was a bit miffed about as it can’t be fixed, and I think he’s feeling a bit like he can’t get anything right.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 13/10/2022 10:53

A 'Peado' is someone who is sexually attracted to pre- puberty children. So they would have no interest in boobs - perky or saggy.

Original poster
EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 10:54

Thank you @LadyLothbrook - helpful to have someone that can relate. I was abused as a child by a family friend and then groomed by a policeman when was 15 who was later jailed for other paedo-related crimes (I reported it a few years ago but they couldn’t do anything as when it happened the law was that you had to report it within a year for it to be investigated). I think I’m holding a lot of anger and mistrust, but I’ve talked about it till the cows come home with therapists and it hasn’t quite helped. Going to think about other alternatives.

I do have an amazing dad and brother so it’s not like I see all men as the enemy. But as I get older and realise more and more how sexist the world is and how young women especially are so vulnerable I get more and more protective and angry at the violence and exploitation we as a gender deal with globally every day.

OP posts:
OhMondayMonday · 13/10/2022 10:55

He paid you a compliment. Two suggestions:

Have some therapy/check in again if you’ve done it before as you have some unresolved issues/anger that threaten to upset your home life if you don’t get a handle on this.

Explain your background to your DP and if you have already, remind him now that he’s living with you, that occasionally you react sensitively to comments (for valid reasons) and that you’re working on this but you want him to know it’s about you, not him and he should continue to be his lovely self.

Original poster
EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 10:55

@ZeroFuchsGiven i said it’s a pervy alter ego - not that he is pervy. He literally acts pervy as a joke in sexual situations - we have laughed about it. I’m not labelling him as a perv - big difference.

OP posts:
OhMondayMonday · 13/10/2022 10:56

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 10:54

Thank you @LadyLothbrook - helpful to have someone that can relate. I was abused as a child by a family friend and then groomed by a policeman when was 15 who was later jailed for other paedo-related crimes (I reported it a few years ago but they couldn’t do anything as when it happened the law was that you had to report it within a year for it to be investigated). I think I’m holding a lot of anger and mistrust, but I’ve talked about it till the cows come home with therapists and it hasn’t quite helped. Going to think about other alternatives.

I do have an amazing dad and brother so it’s not like I see all men as the enemy. But as I get older and realise more and more how sexist the world is and how young women especially are so vulnerable I get more and more protective and angry at the violence and exploitation we as a gender deal with globally every day.

If talking hasn’t helped, try writing. Or a group session or a new therapist with a different approach. Good luck.

Charcy · 13/10/2022 11:00

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 10:55

@ZeroFuchsGiven i said it’s a pervy alter ego - not that he is pervy. He literally acts pervy as a joke in sexual situations - we have laughed about it. I’m not labelling him as a perv - big difference.

So you're sensitive to a comment about boobs and thought to use the word peado to describe it.

You also laugh about his "Pervy" voice.

You have strange boundaries and I think for the sake of your boyfriend you should live alone until you figure them out tbh. Poor blokes gonna spend his life sensoring himself and apologising, never knowing what's going to tip you over the edge next.

Sorry for your past but yabu in your treatment of him.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 11:18

EalingLucy · 13/10/2022 10:55

@ZeroFuchsGiven i said it’s a pervy alter ego - not that he is pervy. He literally acts pervy as a joke in sexual situations - we have laughed about it. I’m not labelling him as a perv - big difference.

Pervy/Pervert = a person whose sexual behaviour is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable.

You are sending him mixed messages, You laugh at him being 'pervy' then accuse him of being a paedo when he is doing what you have prevously laughed at him for.

missmamiecuddleduck · 13/10/2022 11:22

How old is your boyfriend?

InCheesusWeTrust · 13/10/2022 11:26

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 10:52

‘pervy’ voice

I honestly dont think you are ready for a relationship with this guy, pervy and paedo are very strong words to be describing your boyfriend.

Even with the answers from OP I agree with this.

Sometimes, as hard as it is, person just isn't ready eith their boundaries for relationship after traumatic events.

Is this something you mentioned to your therapist? You should discuss these feelings and situations. It's really not ok for either of the partners tbh.

blondiepigtails · 13/10/2022 11:28

I'm really sad that you found his comment offensive. It sounds like you were both having a bit of silly fun - we all need more of that - and he touched a raw nerve with you. I don't think he was being offensive or inappropriate. I'm 20 years older than you and have bf 3 children. I'm ample bosomed and will occasionally waggle them at DH for a laugh. He says they're not bad for an old bird...he invariably gets a slap for that! Please sit down and talk to your man about your feelings.

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 11:30

His comment was perfectly benign in the context of you dancing about and being silly/youthful. I understand you being sensitive due to past trauma, but, kindly, this is your issue to deal with. It shouldn’t result in your partner walking on eggshells and having to apologise for reasonable comments. It’s good he apologised for hurting your feelings, but I think you need to apologise to him for over-reacting, calling him gross and saying his comment was “paedo”. You should also access some counselling or therapy so you can recognise when you are triggered by your trauma and not lash out and blame him for your PTSD caused reactions.

MiniHouse · 13/10/2022 11:30

Sorry for your past experiences. I understand why you're upset.

At the same time I think it was meant as a good thing. It's not weird to imply that you look younger than you are or that someone who looks 25-30 years old for example is attractive. Its not an ideal thing to say, and yes as someone in their late 30s I'd like people not to refer to age. However, I have said to people if I thought they were/looked younger.

Also remember good people can make mistakes. If I told you all the stupid things me or my husband said...

I would explain why you were upset but you understand it wasn't meant that way.

Hello12345678910 · 13/10/2022 11:31

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 09:33

Ive never heard anything so ridiculous and over dramatic.

I agree!! How ridiculous! I'd have taken it as the equvilant of "grow up" or "act your age" or "your 37 not 17" - (perhaps the latter would have still offended the OP)...

If my boyfriend makes a childish big deal out if pushing out a fart I say "never have known you were 26"...

Literally get over yourself.

Jackienory · 13/10/2022 12:15

You sound hard work

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2022 12:29

Why does something have to be young to be attractive? It just feels a bit Peado
Liking firm, bouncy bre

FuckWasps · 13/10/2022 12:29

Clumsy way of saying you've not got saggy tits. Tone deaf but ultimately harmless. As long as he doesnt make such comments again knowing how you feel about them, I'd be inclined to forget it.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2022 12:32

Why does something have to be young to be attractive? It just feels a bit Peado
Liking firm, bouncy breasts doesn't suggest he likes children in any sense. Not even teenage ones. I'm sorry it felt really triggering for you given your childhood experience but I think you've kept unnecessarily on this one. If DH told me it was gross I liked his firm butt, implying I liked teenage or younger butt's, I'd be more than a bit sad. I think he's handled it pretty well considering your implications.

Id tell him you're sorry, you over reacted and you're trying so hard to make this work that you've put yourself under a lot of pressure for everything to be perfect (thsts my read on it anyway)

Aggypanthus · 13/10/2022 12:38

@Jackienory · Today 12:15
You sound hard work

I would go even further and say your boyfriend may now be reflecting on what happened and looking upon it a a red flag

LuckyLamp · 13/10/2022 12:41

It was a compliment. You sound like hard work!!

Viviennemary · 13/10/2022 12:43

As can be seen by this thread people would react differently to his comment. . If you are very upset by it I would say he is not the right partner for you.

Motnight · 13/10/2022 12:43

I think that this is a sign Op that you need further help and support to deal with your past issues.

Good luck.

Season0fTheWitch · 13/10/2022 12:49

OP if you think therapy didn't work and you're not going to push further there's no point in being in this relationship. If you can't handle an innocent comment, refer to him as a perv, paedo,etc and get upset by the things he says you're not right for him, and maybe you're not as ready as you think you are. Everyone on this thread is trying to help you and we can't if you're not open to admitting issues

Bahhhhhumbug · 13/10/2022 12:50

Listen to the song Innocent Man by Billy Joel. You are projecting onto him how others have treated you and your previous live in relationship that failed. I don't think he sounds paedo in any way commenting you don't look 37. Had he said you've got the boobs of a 14 yr old otoh then obviously run for the hills.

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 13/10/2022 12:52

I think you mentioned he's a bit younger than you? In that case he probably thinks it's a lovely compliment in the same way that you might think saying to someone "You don't look 50!" is a compliment.

Having been on the receiving end of a few similar (not boob related thank god) I have realised those kind of compliments are crap unless you are Very Very Old (like possibly over 90). If I get a comment like that now I tend to respond with a smile and "thanks but this is just what 37 looks like!"

Cw112 · 13/10/2022 12:52

I think it sounds like your previous experiences have been the filter that you heard his comment through, I would have taken it as a well intended compliment. I've said yabu because I don't think he meant anything untoward by it, but it's not unreasonable to have a reaction like that given what's happened in your past.