To not go back full time - ever?

[Geeseflying]

DH and I have one child. I work three days a week.

I don’t like my job but I can just about bear it for three days. If I had to do it for five I would be miserable.

The obvious answer is to get a job I do like for five days. But I am a teacher. Even if I could find something that paid equivalent it would leave us with holidays to cover.

So AIBU to stay PT once DS is school age?

One thing I have learned is that your time with your DC is precious and you never get those years back. If you can afford to stay PT do it. It will be better for your mental and physical health.

“But it drains me. I get so tired I’ve never got anything left by the end of the day. Plus planning and marking and general unpleasantness from staff and students does get to me. I just need a couple of days away from it.”

Managing kid(s) in primary school is a part time job in itself with all the invites, performances, trips, activities, forms to fill in so that’ll fill the other two days!

I like my job and the salary but I regret going from 2 days a week to full time. Now I’m full time, I’ve got used to the money!

Probably should have read my next post. I have been teaching 21 years.

I have just worked with colleagues who plainly didn't want to be teachers and it is not a pleasant environment.

Civil Service jobs offer term-time only working options. Lots of former teachers in the CS.

Imho you are being short sighted
first, you will end up pension poor like many many women. Womens pensions not state pension) are a fraction of mens because they work part time till kids in teens, then suddenly realise their pension will not be enough to live on

secondly- you are dependant on your DH working continuously, securely and in good health . Don’t. zag any time he could fall I’ll, be made redundant etc.if you can’t or won’t go back full time to make up that shortfall and become main breadwinner you are being irresponsible

thirdly, When your kids get into school what on earth will you do with yourself. Being a domestic labourer is only fulfilling for a while and you are completely relying on your family to tell you your value of work you do day in day out. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I want to be paid for my hard work and time, not taken for granted by stroppy teens and disinterested husband.

fourthly…divorces happen. Ok, you will get half assets. Pensions etc…but you will be expected to work by courts in longer term to support you and your share of children . If you have been out of workplace for a long time that will be very hard to find good paid work and another stress you could do without at a stressful time.

if you insist on this you must ensure your husbands sets up a pension for you in your name, and a life assurance for his name

keep working part time . But Retrain in something else. Apply for that while in a position of being employed. It’ll Say far more about your commitment to working and a new career that you managed to do that,

stip burying your head in the sand that your current life is how it will be forever. Life has a nasty habit of throwing shit at you. And your vows of equivalent better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health will be stretched to the very edge

Roll your eyes at me if you like but I can only go on what you post. Teaching is physical and hard work but a healthy 30 (?) or 40 something should not be totally drained by three days of classroom teaching. Postpartum thyroid issues and anaemia are really common and I genuinely think you should get your GP to run some bloods if you aren’t being hyperbolic about the exhaustion.

Well said. I also don’t understand the drive behind parents being expected to work full time and pay someone else to look after their kids. Wanting to do it yourself seems to be looked down on these days.

I’d also add, as someone who had to go from part time to full time and then became sole breadwinner for family for 15 years , that with best will and all the love in the world, resentments build up when only one person is in paid employment and the other person has no real valid reason not to bring in any money at all. Valid reasons are there when kids are little, but don’t be surprised if your DH is really pissed off with your suggestion of abdicating responsisibly to contribute fincancial and putting all that burden on him.

carrying that burden is enormously stressful.

Could have written this, except I'm considering handing my notice in completely as well! If your DH is happy with it and it works for you as a family, YADNBU.

@ThanksItHasPockets are you a teacher, just out of interest?

OP
Iv worked in childcare since I was 16 (now 29) I'm due back to work next month after maternity leave and only going back 2 days. I will never ever go back full time..
EVER. I have found childcare extremely stressful and such a Ballache. Should I change jobs? YES, but this works for us as like you I don't have to worry about finding child care through the half terms. Since lockdown iv realised how much my mental health means to me and I'm not prepared to let it suffer anymore. If you can financially afford it, go for it. I'm not living to work anymore. I want to enjoy my life and my kids/family
X

If you can afford it and your husband is on board with it, there's no issue.

It's fine so long as you don't come back in 10 years complaining how you gave up your career prospects to look after your child and therefore "deserve" more of the equity split in a divorce

If I was your husband I'd want it noted that this was what you chose and only through his working full time are you able to do it

Why is it not important to her partners mental health that he should not have to shoulder all the responsisiblty for bringing in the household income? Why is she putting her mental health above his expectations that he married a women who worked and had a career, and now she wants to stop paid employment entirely becuase she can’t cope with 3 days.
why is his time with kids not important- if they’re going to be totally reliant on his income he’ll have to work harder, longer etc to make that up. Remember that a joint income of £60k gross gets around £9k more net than one worker earning £60k due to tax system. Or whatever the cut offs are for 40% tax just now. His employers aren’t just going to make that up magically.

she needs to change carers to something else.

I would guess the majority of people hate their job at some points in their careers. A large proportion get ill from work related issues including stress, bullying, etc .
Most don’t have the attitude of “well it’s ok for me to just not work and expect someone else to carry all the responsibility for bringing in money “

THIS!!!

Yes, as I said upthread I am a secondary English teacher. I have been teaching for seventeen years.

I assume you’re about to suggest I couldn’t possibly know the bone-crunching tiredness of teaching. I have taught through two complicated pregnancies and through the early years of two poor sleepers. My youngest is four and still does not sleep through. I don’t need any lectures in how physically tiring teaching is. It still should not leave a healthy, youngish person so totally drained that they can’t function on 0.6. Women have a tendency to accept a certain level of fatigue and thyroid and iron problems are as common as they are under diagnosed. OP should get some blood tests and if you feel like she describes then so should you.

@ThanksItHasPockets sorry read back now and see you said that you are. I don't think OP is in the minority to find teaching utterly draining. I also work 0.6 and find that I am utterly exhausted by it, combined with caring for my own toddler on my days off. I don't need my oods done - the job is draining, both physically and emotionally, more than it has ever been before. You're lucky if you don't feel that way but many do.

Tutoring doesn't have to be antisocial hours. I decided to step away from classroom teaching when I had my children. I now do 2 days working with trainees on school direct, two days tutoring in a secondary school mostly gcse and half a day in a primary school through the covid catch up programme. It's brilliant no pastoral, no marking, very little planning and I find it very rewarding. There is also alot of work through the local authority tutoring 1:1 students who are not in school but I prefer being based in school. Although the money is slightly less the quality of life is much greater and I get to do drop off and pick up every day.

I wouldn't worry about working full-time if you don't want to and can afford not to. I'm in my 40s, no kids and I work 30 hours over 4 days per week. I have two friends who are also in their 40s with no kids. One works 21 hours over 4 days and the other works 15 hours over 2 days. Life is too short to be miserable at work.

YANBU. Why work full time if you don't need to. I have started working full time in the past few years to help get the kids through Uni and it seriously depresses me, what a grind stuck in traffic chaos day in day out doing the same thing every day. I used to work 4 days before and just having that one day a week to catch up on doing life stuff - sorting prescriptions, vets appointments, dentist etc just made life so much less stressful.

Some people are making real leaps ... the OP hasn't said anything to suggest her DH is particularly stressed by his FT job.
In retrospect, my DH might have liked to drop to PT too when I did, but it wasn't really an option in his workplace. He ended up quitting and doing consultancy so he had some control over his time (and who he worked with!). He could drop his earnings because I was still working half time - give over with the false narrative of the OPs DH having to 'shoulder all the responsisiblty for bringing in the household income' , she's still working 3 days pw ffs.

Stick to three days, teaching has huge obvious advantages for working parents and there are lots of roles that fit well into part time work, including senior roles so progression with a career is possible.