Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

I'd reverse it so I had the kids the least amount of time.

Otherwise, it sounds perfect!

Love my own space!

God no. Sounds horrendous. Why do you do the lions share of the childcare and then share it of a weekend?
sounds brilliant for the other person though!

@Am1beingUnreasonable

Well, I don't really thinks that's fair!

YOU started the thread asking a question & giving very little detail to go on.

it's NOT hypothetical if it's a possibility you're discussing and could actually do.

I was happy to discuss it & read other peoples thoughts.

I've never claimed benefits, so that aspect didn't even occur to me. Other people have made other 'assumptions' or 'guesses' but that's because you've given fuck all detail.

Part of me wonders why I should put all the details out there to be raked over

because YOU started a thread to discuss it, without any detail, then got pissy with people having to guess at stuff.

& I had my own opinion to offer you

but your pissy attitude to people trying to discuss this with you....I'm out. Do what you want, screw your kids up in your own way 💁🏻‍♀️

So you have a weekend home and a weekday home? That’s not a crazy idea but usually for fairly wealthy people. Don’t know what that has to do with you and partner living apart though and not having to do his washing, I don’t do my DH’s washing or clean up after him and we live together. In reality kids will want to be in one location for play dates and in teen years, boyfriends and girlfriends. They won’t want to traipse off somewhere else every weekend unless it’s nearby and close to friends and sports clubs etc.

He doesn't need to. He goes over a few nights a week for a cook and a.... intemiate moment. Weekend parent but with added help from Mom. If he dated he'd have to put much more work in in exchange for regular sex.

So I'm doing all the donkey work with occasional sex involved? Fuck that.

Sounds like the sort of thing those "free the boob" people (aka men) would come up with.

In principle I'd like the option of space but the message to the kids as they get older could be 'your mum/ dad likes me well enough but doesn't want to live with you'. This is assuming there isn't a logistical element such as work being miles away or them being a brain surgeon who works nights or something. It also doesn't seem a fair division of labour re child duties and if there were any difficult years, there might be a danger of the weekend parent being the fun one and resentment building against the resident parent who would have to manage behaviour etc day to day.

Unconventional setups are fine, no judgement. I'm just not sure this would be equally in everyone's best interests.

To be fair OP, most people in happy relationships would not want to spend monday -friday in a different house to their kids, nor avoid seeing their partner for most of the week. It's not a wild assumption to think that you're either doing it for financial gain or because your relationship is not happy. If that is not the case then fine, but can you tell us why you would want this? What would be the advantages?

In fact, I think the exact opposite of your situation is more normal. People who are unhappy in their relationships and want to live alone, but stay together because they want to see the children everyday.

It doesn't sound fair on the parent having the children Monday to Friday and by the sounds of it most weekends. Why does that parent need to do almost all of the parenting?

I genuinely don't think people can comment without the reasons why to do this?

@NerrSnerr

Quite a few commenting they'd love it.

No one answering why they'd be ok with their oh doing virtually no parenting

I like spending time with my husband talking to him being around him.

our dc would wildly miss him during the week if he weren’t around doing the normal mundane day to day things with them.

living apart long term from your partner is the first step of marital breakdown from what I’ve seen.

Cant imagine my DH being happy about it either.

and you would need to duplicate belongings as things would inevitably get lost/left behind etc.

If the week day house were in town and the weekend house more rural or near the coast (or possibly vice versa), I could see an appeal to this kind of arrangement.

I don't think the split is right in terms of childcare / logistics - but if say one party worked from home, or very local to one property, in a very well paying job, which funded the other parent being a SAHP in the other property, who would therefore do most of the childcare anyway, it might work.

If you think it’s a good idea then why not? It doesn’t matter what people on Mumsnet think. It sounds nice for the kids…I really don’t think they will be traumatised for life by it. It sounds fun!

Do you work though? Because I wouldn’t fancy working, looking after kids for five days and then not having the weekend off. But then you wouldn’t see your DH. I think it could work if when you do visit him, you don’t have to do very much and you get a bit of time for yourself.

My idea of hell. No support during the week when everyone is tired and frazzled and you are doing it ALL: school bags, homework, reading, cooking, laundry, ferrying them to clubs while the other parents dips in like Father Christmas to say hi but (I'd bet) makes a speedy retreat if it isn't all roses and Stepford smiles.

No. Share the load. Have fun at weekends but two parents around night in night out are better than one. One ciooks tea and sticks on a washload and mops up cat sick while the other does meltdowns, bathtime and stories. Next nigth, swap over. Sanity.

Visiting your "partner" in their home for dinner a couple of times a week. Kids trekking back and forth between two houses. It sounds like a slow separation.

I saw this in Trending, OP, and was startled by how hostile PPs were being towards you, till I noticed it was posted in AIBU. I’m constantly seeing harmless queries and opinions there being shredded with absolute rage. I suspect the same threads posted on other boards would receive thoughtful, courteous, even empathetic responses.

My answer to your question: it wouldn’t work for me, but I have friends who live a version of this and it works for them. Easier without children, of course. An interesting idea.

I hope it works out well for all of you.

no couldnt be arsed and a more expensive way to live also.

Pretty sure this would be my husbands dream but not mine

We sort of have this set-up and it works really well, but DC are grown up and live away from home. We did a similar thing when DC were little, but I ended up doing much more of everything than DH.

The only reason i can see for that is that the dads must not be doing any parenting now or housework so them not being there would be removing an extra person to feed/clean up after. Anyone with a decent husband who pulls his weight would surely hate to suddenly be lumbered with all the housework and childcare? Especially with 3 children under 8!

DH loved a version of this in his childhood. His dad would live in the city during the week near to his work and DH, his sibling and mum stayed in their family home near school.

on the weekend his dad would come home, and according to DH try and fit in an entire weeks parenting into the weekend (before leaving on Sunday evening), as a result he didn’t have a relationship with his children and him and his wife drifted apart. FIL had an affair and she moved into his flat in the city for the week days.

FIL & MIL got divorced in the end, FIL’s relationship with my DH & sibling is still strained. They’re polite and lovely to one another but FIL really tries overly hard and is still the Disney parent.

The living separately bit- yes. But the division of labour/childcare is off. You're doing all the work, he's getting all the time off and getting dinner cooked for him when he fancies it. I'd do the same but two nights in the week he has the kids then half the weekend he has the kids.

I can see why your partner wants this but you really get the short straw in this deal. Was it his idea are you sure he hasn't got another partner on the side or a 2nd family he wants to spend the week with

Absolutely not for me. I'd quite like a similar set-up but with more closeness, companionship and equality - two neighboring houses linked by a shared conservatory/dining room, with shared care of the children. It would be easy to spend time together, sleep together, have family time together, but also gave our own space.