Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

The wet washing would be in the wrong house on Sunday night for school on Monday. We did this for a while before we got married, horrendous, all ok now we live in the same house.

30 minutes? No. A short walk away? Yes.

I think separate homes could work in some scenarios, but not as you’ve outlined.

I really don’t think this is fair on you - the partner who looks after the kids Mon- Fri - that’s when all the shitwork and stress happens! Lucky partner who gets to escape all of that, fully focus on work during the week, and then gets the fun bits at the weekend.

It could work if the houses were v close together, as in both equidistant from school, and both partners did equal weekday stuff. Both would have to be equally on board with organising the kids stuff going back and forth, and most of the kids stuff should be duplicated so that there’s always one of X at the house they’re in - can’t do that with everything such as homework books of course.

You don’t have to do your partner’s washing or pick up after them anyway!

not having to do his washing 🤣

Save the money from the 2 House Household and send the laundry to get washed commercially .

I bet the OP's husband is either:

• absolutely filthily messy in a way that is incredibly disheartening in your house, especially with children;

or

• always trying to "declutter" (ie throw away OP's things, saying things like "do you think you will ever read this book again?" when it used to belong to her granny, etc), always coming out with stupid suggestions like "what about an accent wall here" and splodging stupid swatches like orange on the kitchen wall when you are trying to make dinner before the kids are screaming, and pack 4 packed lunches at the same time

So you would have full responsibility for the DC all week and he might have them on the weekend or you might have them together on the weekend? He comes and goes as he pleases? So he just gets the good bits of family life.

Like a poster above, give him six months and he will be dating.

What you're describing is your DH being single five days a week and you being a single mother.

I think it would be different if the houses were really close together and your children could live more equally between the two.

What happens when your DC get older and would prefer to spend the weekends with mates? This effectively means they don't see their father at all.

Exactly. They’ll want to be around where their friends are.

Separate houses has worked for couple of friends but not long term and then house have always been walking distance apart so kids bip between the two.

No. Why on earth would I want to do that!? Sounds miserable. I like having my husband around as a friend and a co-parent and the logistics sound like a right faff. I don't feel I compromise significantly on decor, rules or anything else. A weekend to myself from time to time might be nice, but there are other ways to do that!

No, sounds awful no matter how much you dress it up. Properly separating is one thing, and even then I would expect an eow arrangement to get best of both worlds.

I meant to add I would be interested to know if this was suggested by you or your DH?

As some others have said, no I love my DH and look forward to him coming home every night.

The gripes people who said yes seem to have are with them running around after their partners like cleaners/nannies. You should not be responsible for cleaning up after another adult in your house - it does sound easier to simply find someone who acts like a grown up and makes your life better overall...

How useless a father and partner would sometime be, to make them only turning up occasionally and at weekends, a better deal?? The mind boggles.

No OP, I wouldn't do it.
I have a more useful partner.

I love spending time with my husband
Our children love spending time with their father.
We share cooking, cleaning, tidying, laundry, school runs etc, so it would be a huge increase and work for me. I'd be doing double what I do now!!
When our children wake at night we take it in turns, why should I deal with every night wake whilst he has unbroken sleep?

Having a bolt hole flat that either of us could escape to when we need a really good night sleep or escapism from life + kids is a lovely idea, but that's as far as I could go.

If you're happy I don't know why you'd want your OH to live elsewhere. If you want the odd break away why not just go down to the holiday home without him every now and then? It all sounds very bizarre to me.

Didn't Bonham Carter & Burton have houses next door to each other or something? If there were children I might do something like that, separate houses on the same street or within 5 minutes walk to each other. Although I expect even that might be confusing for younger DCs. But a 5 day/2 day split? No way. It would need to be as equal parenting time as possible. And if it involved packing them up and driving back and forth, no absolutely not. Sounds to me as if someone (probably him) wants his cake and eat it too. Swanning in and out on weekends to be cooked for and 'entertained'? Bollocks to that.

If there are so many 'differences' in home decor style and/or housekeeping standards, if there is such a need for one's own space that the normal 'give and take' of a relationship and parenting is untenable, then may as well call it quits.

Now if there are no children involved, hell yes! I'm a long-time married with kids grown and gone, and DH and I are used to each other's little foibles and annoying habits. But if I were to become single again, hell would freeze over before another man planted his boots permanently under my bed!

No because you’d be single parenting all week. The horror.

I totally understand the appeal of having your own place, but not with small kids.

The person looking after DC most of the time, do they have a job or will they be a SAHP?

I do know quite a few families where the 1 parent (usually the man and usually high earning) works away from home during the week and comes home at weekends.

Where it works well is when the person working away is earning sufficient money to support the other not working. When both are working it's incredibly unfair on the person looking after the DC most of the time

Definitely not for me. But then I enjoy the evenings with my partner.

It's because its a really well known benefits scam, OP, that's all it is. I wouldn't take it to heart, no one here knows you after all.

Brilliant idea, it's what posh rich people used to do except there'd be a nanny too.

The dad would still be in the premises though.

This doesn't sound ideal for the kids tbh.
Also, it's unfair on the parent who has to do the bulk of the parenting, and would the other parent really be happy not seeing their kids every day?

My previous marriage broke down primarily because he worked away M-F. We lost all closeness as we weren't really involved in each other's lives.

No. this sounds like at the beginning of the end to me of the relationship. People citing Helena Bonham Carter and Tom Burton. They are now separated !!!!!!!!

No, I love my husband, as do my kids. If we split it'll kill me them only seeing him at most 5p% of the time. I wouldn't actively choose that for him. I also lie his company so would choose to spend my nights with him unless one of us is out. And I chose to have kids I na relationship so he could share that, not opt out but expect Al lthe perks of marriage.