Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

@CrystalCoco
But your post is all about You! What about children in this scenario?

I think they would feel differently when their dad packed up all his belongings and moved into this place, because he has literally moved out and left them, though they still get to visit and stay over, he will have left them. Not so much holiday home fun times when daddy leaves home. If they were teens I’d say it’d be different. Surely it’d be a lot easier to just make him do his own washing now than him move out.

@Cappuccino17 are you Sarah ingham by any chance?

As a child who grew up like that where the hell are you getting this from... we where not remotely any of those things.

@CoughCoughCoughh Christ what a hassle. Just divorce.

@Am1beingUnreasonable this sounds horrendous. Absolutely not for me but then I love my husband and enjoy living with him.

I would love it !

@mam0918
Oooh you know....just looking around me, watching, listening

OK well as some from 3 generations of it with actual experiance your massively assuming incorrect things.

Why on earth would we be 'hurt' or 'damaged' or 'bewildered'?

There is more to the world than just your experiance, because somethings different to you it doesnt make it dangerous or wrong.

@mam0918

You can remain financially independent while living together.

Its not the living or not living with an oh I dont get. I could quite happily not live with dh.

I could not be happy with an oh who thought his kids weren't his equal responsibility. I would not be ok with being the default/main parent

@bettyfretty how can you possibly 'go against the grain' when some people have said they'd love it and other people have said they would not?

I think part of the appeal of this for you is that your husband is just more work and hassle. I can see how it would be appealing to just crack on without him but longer term, if you do this, you're going to wonder what the point of him is at all.

Your kids are still very young. I can see why there doesn't seem much point in having a man around generating washing and contributing little (except criticism and uninvited cluless suggestions? What does the emphasis on how much autonomy you would each have in your own places tell the reader?) - because you are up to your eyeballs in kids and kids' stuff. But when they grow up a bit you might want more and have time for more. Then you will have to find a different solution to the fact that your husband is, for whatever reason (I have some ideas) someone you can only really take in small doses.

Good that when that time comes you will already be res parent. That might matter legally.

I am separated and my ex and I have the kids part of the time each in our own houses. I hate that the kids have to keep moving but I just couldn't do that "nesting" thing as a primary reason for our split was his absolutely filthy lack of respect for my space.

Bliss, I'd love it.

The kids would have a veto though - if they don't like it, it's off.

I'd feel very lonely and stressed about being sole responsible adult five days a week.

So no way!

Ha shitfather 😁

@BabyGrooverBug

Why would you love it?

No, I find it hard enough to keep one house clean, and that's with my husband's input! I would like a woman cave though - we supposedly have a shared study but it's basically become the man cave.

I also hate cooking for one. Much prefer to cook for my admiring husband and let him wash up lol.

30mins apart is also too far.

Sounds great!

Just skimming through the post and the majority of what I read said 'absolutely not'. Don't get your knickers in a twist over something so petty. Always one....

Why? You have posters like @mam0918 saying it's fiiiiiine don't worry about the kids!

Hell yeh I would, and I know our marriage would be absolutely fine too. Would prefer close by houses tho like next door

I would HATE this.

• Mon-Fri with the kids by myself - why would I choose to take on 100% of childcare in the week? My husband does his fair share at the moment. Sounds like a total nightmare.
• He would miss his children too much being away Mon-Fri. Has only ever left them for a couple of nights at most.
• I like sleeping next to DH each night. I don’t sleep well otherwise.
• Living and sleeping apart = less sex, no thanks

All strong ‘no’s from me. But every relationship is different.

I would think this was more positive, and less of an indication of a useless husband, if the houses were closer together and the arrangements with the kids were closer to 50/50. The way it is now it looks more like "just getting that man out of my hair during the week so I can hear myself think"

@Sixsmith

Why though?

My immediate thought is what many posters have already said- i.e. what's in it for partner 1?

I think it's hard to comment without knowing what has triggered this because unless you are absolutely minted (as in tens of millions in assets), running two households is going to have some financial consequences and knock on to the rest of your lifestyle. Therefore I'd have to conclude that the current, fairly usual set up is not working to the extent that it's untenable. I'd then speculate its either because

• parter 2 is a bit of a dead weight other than contributing financially
• partner 2 cant cope with the children due to some sort of MH issues
• partner 2 can't work effectively from home when the children are there.
• both of you are shit hot interior designers and the thought of living with each others' tastes in interiors gives you migraines.

All of these have different solutions but I'm not sure the current proposal is the simplest one.

No. I would have that set up now ( the separate houses but, but without kids) if I was to meet someone new as I value my space and privacy, but not with the father of my kids.