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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bizarre incident on train...

737 replies

Redqueenheart · 11/10/2022 18:34

I had a rather unpleasant experience on my way home today on the London tube and I wonder how other people would have reacted.

I was sitting in a tube carriage and looking at images and videos I had taken from an art exhibition I visited earlier. Was really tired and just wanted to mine my own business.

A man comes in and seats next to me, fidgeting and getting a bit too close for comfort. I ignore him.

He then asks me ''What is that?''. I realise he is now looking at my phone and expects me to tell him what the picture I am looking at is.

I snap back ''That is my phone and there is something called privacy''.

To my surprise two young women who were sitting on the other said of me get involved and say ''that was rude, he was only asking you a question''.

At that point I had enough and said something in the line of ''My pictures are private and none of your business'' and moved to a different seat on the other side of the train. Heard the girls snigger but there was no more interaction after that.

I really don't get why on earth the guy thought it was OK to barge into my space and then start staring at my phone and demand my attention and why these two women actually thought it appropriate to defend him...

Afterwards I did ask myself if this was an attempt to distract me while one them would try to get something from my bag but even as it stands I was absolutely furious about these people's behaviour.

I am quite curious to hear how other people would have reacted.

OP posts:
Bna0505 · 16/10/2022 09:02

I totally support your behaviour OP. You did what you needed to do in an uncomfortable situation. You owe that stranger nothing and I applaud you acting so assertively. Having travelled on the tube for many years I agree that you get a gut feeling when things aren’t quite right and you should always go with that feeling. He’s a grown man and you saying what you did will not leave him traumatised for ever.

Liz1tummypain · 16/10/2022 09:04

Goosygandy · 16/10/2022 08:28

Yes because mumbling to someone who is intrusive and ignores social cues works so well 🙄.

She's not having her whole life dictated by fear. She just put some annoying little man back in his box.

Show quote history

Putting someone back in his box? Ignoring social cues? As I say, completely OTT.

Bna0505 · 16/10/2022 09:15

Mba1974 · 16/10/2022 08:30

It’s interesting there was a thread on here recently from an OP who’s son (I think just 15 or almost 15) was in a group who were hassling one of the groups GF for a nude “flash” on a FaceTime/video call. The girl, in the end “showed them something” to get them to stop. This isn’t even F2F it was remote. Why didn’t she just get off the phone, why didn’t she assert herself and tell them to F Off….. because of the people on here who think she owes politeness, kindness, conversation, a negotiation. When she should have been taught to do what the OP did and is teaching her daughters, which is that the second she feels uncomfortable, the second her boundaries, whatever they are to her, are over stepped she has every right to say NO. No explanation, no justification just NO. That situation is not even the end game when we teach girls to “be kind”, be the appeaser, be polite instead of trusting their instincts and taking whatever steps they need to stop/end the situation. More importantly they need to know they will not be judged for doing so… Which is what is so shocking about this post, the judgement that OP firmly saying NO based on her boundaries is somehow “rude” and the message that sends young girls about the importance of their boundaries and feelings over others. It’s so so incredibly dangerous, and if that means my daughter isn’t the one in a million who meets her “spouse” on public transport because she’s brave not polite then that’s a risk I’ll take quite frankly.

Everything I wanted to say but much better! 👏🏼

pinkyredrose · 16/10/2022 09:41

Devora13 · 15/10/2022 20:08

I wonder if he had a hidden disability? Being direct and not understanding social boundaries can often go along with these conditions.

Tell me you haven't read the thread without telling me you haven't read the thread.

Goodadvice1980 · 16/10/2022 09:52

This sums it up beautifully. We don’t need random man conversation.

Bizarre incident on train...
FKATondelayo · 16/10/2022 10:35

Being confident and being able to assert yourself with strangers and having a sixth sense for potential risk isn't 'living a life in fear'.

I've spent a happy non-fearful life able to get on with what I want in public - reading my book/the internet, listening to music, talking to people I like - without feeling I need to make polite chit chat with red flag creeps.

Whitepouringglue · 16/10/2022 10:39

I have no problem with random men conversation. They are half the world and often interesting. I can't think why I wouldn't want to talk to them on the basis of their sex.

StarlightLady · 16/10/2022 10:54

There is another thread on AIBU asking why people stand when seats are available. I rest my case.

Goosygandy · 16/10/2022 12:05

Liz1tummypain · 16/10/2022 09:04

Putting someone back in his box? Ignoring social cues? As I say, completely OTT.

Show quote history

In your opinion.

If you think you should just mumble at men who are behaving intrusively, then carry on. Just don't try and tell other women to behave the same way because in the actual experiences of other women it can end badly.

And the OP got exactly what she wanted which was the man, who'd been bothering her, stopped bothering her.

Goosygandy · 16/10/2022 12:05

Whitepouringglue · 16/10/2022 10:39

I have no problem with random men conversation. They are half the world and often interesting. I can't think why I wouldn't want to talk to them on the basis of their sex.

Which is exactly what didn't happen.

Liz1tummypain · 16/10/2022 15:10

Goosygandy · 16/10/2022 12:05

In your opinion.

If you think you should just mumble at men who are behaving intrusively, then carry on. Just don't try and tell other women to behave the same way because in the actual experiences of other women it can end badly.

And the OP got exactly what she wanted which was the man, who'd been bothering her, stopped bothering her.

Show quote history

Yes I would suggest all women did as I said and move away. No idea how the OP put him in any box but if it was going to end badly putting someone in a box doesn't seem the solution.

Goosygandy · 16/10/2022 17:03

Liz1tummypain · 16/10/2022 15:10

Yes I would suggest all women did as I said and move away. No idea how the OP put him in any box but if it was going to end badly putting someone in a box doesn't seem the solution.

Show quote history

i know you would suggest that. And someone on this thread did exactly that and was followed and assaulted. So I'm saying it's bad advice. I'm not sure if you're trying to be funny about the putting someone in a box situation, although if you are you're not succeeding. Alternatively you are lacking the ability to understand metaphors. Never mind, eh.

Liz1tummypain · 16/10/2022 17:21

Goosygandy · 16/10/2022 17:03

i know you would suggest that. And someone on this thread did exactly that and was followed and assaulted. So I'm saying it's bad advice. I'm not sure if you're trying to be funny about the putting someone in a box situation, although if you are you're not succeeding. Alternatively you are lacking the ability to understand metaphors. Never mind, eh.

Show quote history

What I was suggesting was that " putting someone in their box" is not constructive. A woman just about anywhere can be followed and assaulted irrespective of whether she acts rudely or politely. It is better to try to understand other people's behaviour but if you feel intimidated, to move away. Anyway I won't respond again. Please feel free to have the last word.

Goosygandy · 16/10/2022 18:12

Liz1tummypain · 16/10/2022 17:21

What I was suggesting was that " putting someone in their box" is not constructive. A woman just about anywhere can be followed and assaulted irrespective of whether she acts rudely or politely. It is better to try to understand other people's behaviour but if you feel intimidated, to move away. Anyway I won't respond again. Please feel free to have the last word.

Show quote history

Oh, so you were trying, and failing to be funny. Rightho!

As for your contention, it doesn't chime with the evidence, which is why I'm shouting it down. Submissiveness/compliance/politeness, whatever you call it, is not useful and can be dangerous in these situations.

streetsmartwomen.com/what-makes-women-easy-victims-violence/

We have to stop giving girls and young women poor advice that politeness and compliance keeps us safe. It doesn't and is actually less safe.

Babysitter12 · 16/10/2022 20:47

Could this be a fantasy in your head, instilled by all the brainwashing in the media. You cant live in fear for perceived situations that might not be there

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/10/2022 20:58

Babysitter12 · 16/10/2022 20:47

Could this be a fantasy in your head, instilled by all the brainwashing in the media. You cant live in fear for perceived situations that might not be there

Being streetwise, savvy and asserting boundaries in situations where you don't feel comfortable is far from 'living in fear'.

It's plain old common sense.

knittingaddict · 16/10/2022 21:04

Babysitter12 · 16/10/2022 20:47

Could this be a fantasy in your head, instilled by all the brainwashing in the media. You cant live in fear for perceived situations that might not be there

Because no man ever harassed a woman on public transport. 🙄

NotMyDayJob · 16/10/2022 21:35

Babysitter12 · 16/10/2022 20:47

Could this be a fantasy in your head, instilled by all the brainwashing in the media. You cant live in fear for perceived situations that might not be there

Are you actually insane? What media brainwashing about perceived situations?

LouDeLou · 16/10/2022 22:11

Devora13 · 15/10/2022 20:08

I wonder if he had a hidden disability? Being direct and not understanding social boundaries can often go along with these conditions.

OH MY GOD who gives a FUCK?’

Galaktoboureko · 16/10/2022 22:27

LouDeLou · 16/10/2022 22:11

OH MY GOD who gives a FUCK?’

Show quote history

Apparently the OP who threw a public strop when spoken to.

Goosygandy · 16/10/2022 22:38

NotMyDayJob · 16/10/2022 21:35

Are you actually insane? What media brainwashing about perceived situations?

Show quote history

Exactly. The media if anything tries to brainwash us to be nice, like many of the people (men?) on this thread.

jammydodgersforever · 16/10/2022 22:40

I'd be cautious about being overly blunt and rude. You're absolutely well within your rights, but sadly you could have invited trouble for yourself.
Lived in London all my life, loads of nutters on the tube. A short 'just something private I'm into' and putting phone away would have been better IMO. You shouldn't HAVE to do this, you should be able to freely rebuff anyone who invades your personal space, but I think you dodged a potentially bad outcome.

AutumnCrow · 16/10/2022 22:54

Yup. Fuck being nice; but stay safe out there.

ZiriForEver · 16/10/2022 23:03

Galaktoboureko · 16/10/2022 22:27

Apparently the OP who threw a public strop when spoken to.

Show quote history

Why are you skipping the points of OP being touched unnecessarily and deliberately?

I see 2 parties throwing something in public and none of them is the OP.

Let's have a look once more:

  1. The men was way beyond rude, physically encroaching into OPs private space. -deliberate unprovoked action, well beyond rude.

2)OP reacted and moved herself out of it

-forced reaction, as the situation was already happening with her in it. Maybe not exactly polite, but that is hardly a requirement here.

  1. viewers who had no skin in it, probably not even full information, but decided to loudly comment -unnecessary public action, maybe throwing a public strop couldwbe used here? Even without being spoken too first...
ZiriForEver · 16/10/2022 23:04

Sorry broken automatic formatting.
Men is 1
OP 2
Viewers 3

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