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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bizarre incident on train...

737 replies

Redqueenheart · 11/10/2022 18:34

I had a rather unpleasant experience on my way home today on the London tube and I wonder how other people would have reacted.

I was sitting in a tube carriage and looking at images and videos I had taken from an art exhibition I visited earlier. Was really tired and just wanted to mine my own business.

A man comes in and seats next to me, fidgeting and getting a bit too close for comfort. I ignore him.

He then asks me ''What is that?''. I realise he is now looking at my phone and expects me to tell him what the picture I am looking at is.

I snap back ''That is my phone and there is something called privacy''.

To my surprise two young women who were sitting on the other said of me get involved and say ''that was rude, he was only asking you a question''.

At that point I had enough and said something in the line of ''My pictures are private and none of your business'' and moved to a different seat on the other side of the train. Heard the girls snigger but there was no more interaction after that.

I really don't get why on earth the guy thought it was OK to barge into my space and then start staring at my phone and demand my attention and why these two women actually thought it appropriate to defend him...

Afterwards I did ask myself if this was an attempt to distract me while one them would try to get something from my bag but even as it stands I was absolutely furious about these people's behaviour.

I am quite curious to hear how other people would have reacted.

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 12/10/2022 23:40

I think your reaction was a bit over the top, enough for perfect strangers to comment, you must have been rude.

LouBan · 12/10/2022 23:48

Having travelled on the tube for many years I know, without realising you are doing it, you can find yourself looking at someone's phone, newspaper, magazine etc but to start discussing it was a bit weird. I probably would have given him a very brief answer but would certainly move if I felt uncomfortable in any way. As for the girls who told you that you were being rude, it's none if their business.

SimpleName83 · 12/10/2022 23:52

Brava OP, Redqueenheart! You were not at all rude, in any way. Man intruded on your space, and kept on pushing his intrusion. You just kept your boundaries - yes! asserted them! - while a dickhead man was trying to get you to entertain him.

He was rude. You were firmly assertive to his nonsense.

The two young women involved will learn, that is inevitable. Though there is the possibility that they were also involved with dickhead man in an attempted distraction robbery. Which, if so, you foiled due to having good boundaries and a good bullshit detector.

Women being out in public does not mean that they are some sort of public resource for men. Any men. Lonely men, men with learning disabilities, men on pick-up, men on the rob, men with social disabilities - not OP's problem. Not women's problem to sort out. If it takes asserting one's boundaries to them, AKA, "being rude", then so be it. Women owe all these men absolutely nothing.

Female simpering at intrusion by male strangers doesn't work, it just encourages them. "#BeKind", my arse.

ilovesushi · 13/10/2022 00:25

@RoaringtoLangClegintheDark @BirdinaHedge I was thinking the same! How are all these women criticising Op for drawing her boundaries so clearly and keeping herself safe? But if you look, it is the same small handful of posters commenting negatively multiple times. I think the majority of women on here are supportive of the Op's response.

Well, I thought so until I skimmed back a bit and there's more of this "Op, maybe you had reason to feel creeped out and threatened but did you have to be rude." Depressing! Makes me wonder how they brief their daughters "stay safe, but be ever so nice to everyone even if you feel threatened." Erm no!

Stars2theside · 13/10/2022 00:45

These posters saying the OP was rude.... Woooooowwww..... The conditioning is STRONG in you!!
He was rude, obnoxious, and made the OP feel uncomfortable. The term 'trust your gut' really needs to be drummed into girls and women.....
The OP clapped back at him and quite rightly so, fwiw OP, I would have done exactly the same as you, and had I witnessed it, I would have laughed at the way you answered him, so well done you!
You owe nothing to nobody, but everything to yourself!

ALongHardWinter · 13/10/2022 00:48

I think you reacted in a perfectly appropriate manner. I doubt very much that he'd have done it if you were a man! I had a similar incident quite a few years ago on a bus. The man sitting next to me,who I had never seen before in my life,asked me where I lived. I said that I really didn't think it was any of his business. At this,the woman sitting behind us piped up 'There's no need to be rude!' then started discussing with this man how rude and ignorant I was! I politely told the woman to keep her opinion to herself. Thankfully I was getting off at the next stop,so any further aggro was avoided! Honestly! What is it with some people

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 13/10/2022 00:49

@Redqueenheart

In which case I am very happy to be described by you as ''an uptight rude feminist''.

Me too! As I really don't believe the authenticity of many posts on here claiming how polite they would be on the London tube. Clearly they have never travelled regularly on the tube.

ALongHardWinter · 13/10/2022 00:57

Can't believe the number of posts on here saying 'Maybe he had learning difficulties' or 'mental health issues'. So bloody what if he did?! It doesn't mean that the OP was obliged 'be nice' to him if he was making her feel uncomfortable.

CelestiaNoctis · 13/10/2022 01:03

Sounds like they were all in on something together. You were in the right. Some of these comments show to me that a lot of people are way too naive and polite and that's why certain scams and situations work.

SimpleName83 · 13/10/2022 01:04

Yes, quite.
Women are not there to soak up men's personal problems. Women are actually allowed to ride on public transport without having to pander and simper to men with poor manners.

onlythreenow · 13/10/2022 06:00

It's usually men though. She's not a rude person, but you don't sound like you have a lot of sense.

And yet somehow I have got to the age of 63 without a care in the world. If you bothered to read the thread you would see I am not the only one who thinks the OP (and many others on this thread, judging by their repsonses) is rude. Some of you have serious issues and/or are paranoid if you think every man on the planet is ogling and wanting to grope you. I can't say I have ever heard the people of the UK, en masse, being described as friendly, and I can see why.

onlythreenow · 13/10/2022 06:02

Makes me wonder how they brief their daughters "stay safe, but be ever so nice to everyone even if you feel threatened."

Threatened????? By a man asking a fairly innocent question????? Seriously, some of you need counselling.

SinisterSparkle · 13/10/2022 06:21

As a person who has a 21 year old autistic brother who would do something like this because he thinks everyone is super friendly and wouldn't understand what he did wrong. I think you were rude too.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 13/10/2022 06:31

JulietDorney · 11/10/2022 19:34

If other female passengers gave you a telling off, that's enough for me to prove you were rude.

Don' t come to a forum asking for opinions if you think yours is the only, and right one.

Wow.

Enough 'proof' for you.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 13/10/2022 06:32

FKATondelayo · 11/10/2022 19:38

There you go OP. If you don't for some bizarre reason want to provide mental health support or conversation to random men all you have to do is wear headphones, move carriages, change seats and have a prepped pre-vetted polite response like a good service human.

This.

redtshirt50 · 13/10/2022 06:38

I had something like this recently.

i was at a social event, and a guy I’ve never met before was asking me what I do

I have an online business, told him briefly about it and then moved the conversation on

he then wanted to know the name of said business so he could look it up. I politely declined and said I liked to refrain from talking about work too much at social events.

he wouldn’t take no for answer!! He kept bugging me, kept asking me why I wouldn’t tell him, started insulting me and saying how I must not be proud of it if I didn’t want to show him etc etc

I was so taken aback. I’d never met this guy before, and he seemed to think think he had a right to private information about me I didn’t want to give him, and to harass me when I has said no several times.

in the end I asked him if he always ignored it when a woman said no

that finally got him to leave me alone.

I don’t think YABU OP

londonrach · 13/10/2022 06:42

You were rude but so was he.

PaulaTrilloe · 13/10/2022 06:51

It can be uncomfortable at first but a silent response can be deafening.

Freaks em out!

Chimchimchiree · 13/10/2022 07:12

@JudithHarper ”I don’t wait for sluggerbeds” is my new favourite phrase 😁

OP, I think you were very ballsy in what you said - I probably wouldn’t have been so direct, I’m actually in awe…

balalake · 13/10/2022 07:12

I'm surprised at the response of the two women you describe, never had that on a tube or train before.

Taillighttoobright · 13/10/2022 07:14

I would have moved away immediately. I wouldn't have said anything - I would just have left and moved into a different carriage.

forevercooking · 13/10/2022 07:20

I 100% agree with you. To smile politely etc just makes their behaviour acceptable. I went home the other night from the pub as a drinker man wandered over like they do and plonked himself at our table and started the 'hello love' routine to which I ignored him. My friend who is too naive and polite didn't ignore him and politely smiled. Therefore he thought it was perfectly ok to stay. Continuing to try and get my attention 'smile love, Oi love! What's up with you love'

In the end it was pissing me off so much I just went home. I didn't ask for that drunken twat to plonk himself at our table, had we all ignored him or been rude he may have fucked off. However because one person was polite it gave him the green light in his head that he was acceptable and therefore could carry on.

TwoTowels · 13/10/2022 07:22

This is LONDON we're talking about! You don't look anyone in the eye in public, let alone speak to them!!
In any other city in the UK it would be different.

Ideasideas · 13/10/2022 07:23

onlythreenow · 13/10/2022 06:02

Makes me wonder how they brief their daughters "stay safe, but be ever so nice to everyone even if you feel threatened."

Threatened????? By a man asking a fairly innocent question????? Seriously, some of you need counselling.

Why are you not looking at the entire context of what happened? You've skipped over the details and focused on just one word: "threatened". If you read the OP's posts properly then you will see that he purposefully chose to sit next to OP despite there being several empty seats. He then proceeded to keep "accidentally" touching OP, resulting in him invading her space. If OP felt threatened then she felt threatened and you have no right to minimise her feelings.

You're basically suggesting that OP's choice of the word "threatened" is dramatic, and that is one reason why so many young girls and women sit through uncomfortable encounters. Because they are wondering if they're being dramatic. If something doesn't feel right then it doesn't feel right.

Ideasideas · 13/10/2022 07:25

Sorry onlythreenow , I've just seen you didn't use the word threatened.

But my point still stands about the wider context because he didn't just ask her a question did he.