Holiday Drama...What should I do?

[Whyisnothingever]

This is a long story but I will try and keep it short without drip feeding but I am looking for opinions and others experience.

We recently had a family holiday (10 people) , it was a long and expensive trip.
Part of the group had many trepidations prior to going due to Person A's behaviour.
Low and behold they managed to ruin the end of the holiday quite spectacularly.

We are planning the next family trip now (this was in the works prior to the 10 people holiday) that is a short city trip to mark a milestone birthday, not all of the original ten are going (this is not an issue).

Person A was invited but it is quite clear that there behaviour was inexcusable and many going on the trip would rather they were not going.

How would you explain to person A that it would best they not attend without causing offence?
It also doesn't help that Person A has a parent due to come also and whilst they are still welcome too it may be awkward for them to still come?
They are very much in denial about Person A's behaviour.

There isn't enough detail to say.

It's hard to say without knowing what perosn A did. Have they acknowledged their behaviour upset others? I'm not sure you can uninvite someone without causing offence tbh so you may just need to weigh up if it's worth the fallout.

Person closest to person A, has to sit them down and explain that the behaviour on last trip has put people off coming on next trip. Will person A not have a repeat of said behaviour? If no, then they are aware of previous behaviour and may try to curb a repeat. If they kick offsaying it was not their fault blah blah, then disinvestment

Personally I'd stop trying to have big family holidays. They can be a nightmare and yours sound as if they are- so why are you doing it?

Dis invite. Ffs predictive text!

There is no way whatsoever of doing so without causing offence. What you need to decide is whether the offence caused is preferable to having A come on holiday.

I'm just here to find out what they did.

The only way you could do this without confrontation is if you could underhandedly arrange the trip for a time that works for everyone other than A - such as term time weekdays if they are a teacher, or to clash with another holiday/wedding/commitment they have.

Otherwise your options are:

• don't go on the trip
• go and grit your teeth throughout As misbehaviour
• accept there will be a confrontation to prevent their attendance

Family holidays! Why do people insist on them. Just because people are blood related or in-laws, doesn't mean everyone gets along or have to be friends. I understand why you want to celebrate certain occasions but if it's absolutely essential to invite every family member, do it on a smaller scale, ie a dinner or party that only lasts one evening, rather than all being stuck together for a weekend or a fortnight. Do the smaller celebration for all family then book and do the holiday with only those closest to you and who you actually like spending time with! It's simple.

I think you have to accept that asking them not to come will cause offence and their parents are likely to be offended to

you may be perfectly justified in saying they’re not welcome , but I don’t think there’s a conflict free way to achieve this

Surely person A knows what they have done thou ?

Just be blunt.
”Person A you behaved like a twat, you’re booted.”
They’ll probably overreact whatever you say.

What did they do and are they likely to do it again? Get pissed and ruin it for everyone else?

This is why I don't do big family holidays!

Telling the truth shouldn't cause offence. I'd just say that obviously their behaviour in the past had caused an issue and you thought it best if they sat this one out. As for the parent of A, just explain the reason and say they are welcome to attend but you'd understand if they chose not to go as A wouldn't be there.

You can’t win this one.

You either invite them and hope the behaviour is not repeated.

Or you don’t invite them and there’ll be upset.

Is Person A old enough to be responsible for their own behaviour?

This made me cackle.

Its pretty spot on, to answer a few questions:

Person A has form for this, will be a repeat offender and no they have not fully acknowledged there behaviour. Person A's parent likes to gloss over there behaviour also.

I'm starting to agree that family holidays are not worth the hassle.

I hate to be that person but giving details is pretty outing but lets just say they acted like a child, threatened to 'get a new family' and it resulted in a stranger being invited into our holiday home whilst we were out, this felt like a huge violation.

I think you are all right and I need to make a decision as to whether it is worth the fall out and be the person that has to tell them either way.

This made me cackle.
Its pretty spot on, to answer a few questions:
Person A has form for this, will be a repeat offender and no they have not fully acknowledged there behaviour. Person A's parent likes to gloss over there behaviour also.
I'm starting to agree that family holidays are not worth the hassle.
I hate to be that person but giving details is pretty outing but lets just say they acted like a child, threatened to 'get a new family' and it resulted in a stranger being invited into our holiday home whilst we were out, this felt like a huge violation.
I think you are all right and I need to make a decision as to whether it is worth the fall out and be the person that has to tell them either way.

Family holidays should be banned. Why spend that much money, use up your holiday leave to spend time with the passive aggressive one, the pissed up loud one, the gossipy one, the narcissistic controlling one (these could all be the same person, tbf). Always walking round on tiptoes and trying to please everyone, which is impossible. Holidays are precious, expensive and, for most, rare. They should only be arranged with people you truly want to spend that amount of time with

I'm guessing person A is a teenage/early 20's niece or nephew and one of their parents is a sibling of yours but might be completely wrong!

God, I'm exhausted just reading about them. The drama. You just need to tell them that they're hard work and no-one wants them to come. Or just don't go yourself/sort separate accommodation. Hate big massive events like this.

I'd make my presence conditional on A not attending.

Speak for yourself? I like my family, they aren’t narcissists, aggressive or loud. We have a lovely time together.

If you're really, really lucky, maybe A doesn't actually want to go but feels pressure to join in the 'family fun'. Family peer pressure for occasions like this, being forced to spend time with family members they simply don't get along with is very real - I speak from years and years of personal experience!

Honestly though, if it's not already been booked, can you reconsider arranging it at all?

If not going at all or at least not inviting A is not possible, can you not consider separate accommodation? Is it really necessary to share the same living quarters? One place for A and family (and any other undesirables) and other space for yourself and your loved ones.

Agreed although not sure which one I would be classed as😅
The thing is I do want to do the holiday, the rest of the attendees are people I would genuinely want to celebrate with and share the experience.
I just know that Person A will find a way to ruin it, they have already made it clear that if we do anything they don't want to do on the trip they will bugger off elsewhere and do something else (thinking this was a generous solution of them.)
I think the consensus is clear that honesty is the best option for me.

Thank you all for your input, this is the first time I have posted and knew the response's I would get would be brutal but honest which is sometimes what we all need!

for what its worth Person A is 33, I could write a book on all of the family events that been ruined.

anyone want to share there horror stories?