Holiday Drama...What should I do?

[Whyisnothingever]

This is a long story but I will try and keep it short without drip feeding but I am looking for opinions and others experience.

We recently had a family holiday (10 people) , it was a long and expensive trip.
Part of the group had many trepidations prior to going due to Person A's behaviour.
Low and behold they managed to ruin the end of the holiday quite spectacularly.

We are planning the next family trip now (this was in the works prior to the 10 people holiday) that is a short city trip to mark a milestone birthday, not all of the original ten are going (this is not an issue).

Person A was invited but it is quite clear that there behaviour was inexcusable and many going on the trip would rather they were not going.

How would you explain to person A that it would best they not attend without causing offence?
It also doesn't help that Person A has a parent due to come also and whilst they are still welcome too it may be awkward for them to still come?
They are very much in denial about Person A's behaviour.

for what its worth Person A is 33, I could write a book on all of the family events that been ruined.

33!!!!

Well, it's about time someone taught them how to behave nicely then. No wonder they behave like a spoilt brat at 33 if everyone keeps letting them get away with it.

Learning that they are not welcome on the holiday because of their selfish and unreasonable behaviour should have happened about 20 years ago, but it's never too late I suppose.

Should have added WTF cares if they are offended or not? Offend away!

I'd back out of it, and arrange a different holiday on the quiet, only inviting those I want to spend my holiday with.

You are probably where I was about a year ago. Where someone repeatedly behaves very badly at events but it get skirted over and forgotten about because everyone else is quite normal and doesn't want to be the one causing an argument / scene. I cut this person quite dramatically from my life. I didn't even tell them really. Just stopped engaging. My life has been a whole lot better. They are still on the periphery so not completely NC but I don't engage to any extent. It feels good. Good luck with telling them the truth. They probably won't accept it but everyone else will have a lovely time.

33! I would bite the bullet and ask their parent if they would like to be included, but make it clear that A is not being asked to come since 1) their behaviour has caused so much upset in the past and 2) they have intimated that they are not interested in the holiday as previously discussed.

I'd like to hear Person A's take on things actually.

I suspect it might be quite different to the way it's been portrayed here.

If Person A is such a twat they're going to think you're the bad guy no matter what.

My friend had a disastrous family holiday where one of her younger cousins tried to buy drugs and got arrested back in the GP's home country. It was pure chaos, very expensive and incredibly stressful for all, especially GP who had to act as translator. Her cousin (who was 20s so at least young enough to be stupid) was lucky to get away without formal charges.

When the next holiday "home" was being arranged, my friend was completely castigated for suggesting younger cousin wasn't invited.

Wow, @Peashoots that was quite an unnecessary attack on @Notofamilyholidays for voicing an opinion. Other people on this thread have voiced personal opinions on not wanting to go on family holidays. Why single this one out in such a vicious way? I don't understand your anger

I was thinking the same.

My family would paint me as person A, who always caused rows at family events and spoilt things for everyone else. My family are all dickheads and I would pull them up on their vile behaviour when it happened. They didn't like it and would kick off and it'd all be my fault.

I'm confused, why would it matter if person A found a way to entertain themselves rather than taking part with the group in something they wouldn't like? Surely going their own way is the perfect solution.

@catell01 thanks but I'm really not intimidated by MN bullies who have to make things personal and then shout foul when anyone retaliates.

Let's just butt out and let the OP have her posr back

it's not so hard - person A because you did this on holiday it's best if you don't come

If it was that bad just tell them

There is no way of not inviting person A without them being offended full stop.
It will cause a rift potentially a bigger conflict.

I would ditch the big holiday and do something else, this will blow up otherwise. With different family members taking sides and causing years of problems down the line.

Does anyone want A there?

If not why do they keep getting invited?

Quite bluntly tell person A that everyone else doesn't want them there and it would be better for everyone if they didn't come, simple as that. Then tell parent of person A that they're just as bad for not keeping them in line and they're also not welcome.

Why are people so afraid of hurting someone's feelings when that person is quite clearly an asshole.

That's a fair comment, and yes I agree that on longer holidays this is perfectly fine and no-one would have any issue with this (in fact this is what we did on the last holiday).
The trip this time is much shorter and has been advertised to them as lots of sight seeing , museums. They had the option to bow out then but the response was 'I will go off and do something on my own'.
Again shouldn't be an issue but I can just foresee this going wrong, but they are an adult so I guess this will be on them.

Genuine question, would some of you not have an issue with a stranger being brought back to your accommodation whilst you were all out?

I agree, “cancel” the original plan and, if you have the balls make it clear that it’s because of what happened in a “tinkly laugh” kind of way- like “I’m sure we all realise that a holiday with everyone who came last year won’t work this year because of what happened in [place of disaster holiday], but really hope we manage to get together before too long.” Then plan a new holiday with only the people you want to spend time with. But for the love of god don’t invite the parent, puts them in an impossible position. If you think they’ll be upset to be left out explain it to them in very clear terms and maybe this might bring home the point?

Me too. DH and I once dared to ask other family members for a lift from the station to our hotel as we couldn't get a cab due to a completely unforeseen issue of no cabs .... well, it all kicked off from there and we were branded as selfish and inconsiderate.

On many occasions, some downright offensive classist things have been said that Dh and I have dared to challenge (part of our family are frankly, loaded... private schools, fancy holidays etc etc etc. So spending time with them can be challenging. We've had everything from comments that state schools are all just for delinquents/violent/scum/chavs/insert preferred insult here to comments re the unfairness of paying tax when they're not using state schools to, my personal favourite, "well, if they can't even give their children a cheap meal of porridge in the morning then they don't deserve to have children"). As a result, we are branded the trouble makers.

I really don't understand why Person A can't go off on their own while the rest of you go to a museum. The level of controlling behaviour here is weird.

On the random stranger in your holiday house - I think that would depend. My brother is the type who'd make friends with someone and bring them back for coffee and I don't think anyone would care. Picking up a stranger in a bar who then wanders around making coffee at 8am in their underwear would be less okay.

Was the stranger on their own in the accommodation? Did they hang out with the rest of you when you all returned?

As you won’t give any proper information regarding any circumstances around any of this behaviour - who can possibly say?

No issue at all with people going off to do their own thing. WE never expect everyone to stay together.

On holidays with lots of people, bringing someone back isn't that bizarre - depends a bit on the accommodation but each person is responsible for themselves. Like the PP said - someone they met along the way and brought back for a coffee, no problem. An overnight guest would raise a few eyebrows and probably get them a good ribbing but if they are a single adult, kind of their choice to make as long as they aren't inconveniencing other people.

It isn't clear if Person A actually is a problem and ruins holidays or if others all want to holiday a very specific way and have a lot of rules and expectations that are put on Person A. I find it very odd to raise the point of Person A going off on their own as a negative or criticism.

YOU said they should be banned...for everyone! PP was merely pointing out that lots of people enjoy them and its kinda weird to say they should be banned because you personally don't like them.
Its your responses that are odd.

Tell person A that they are no longer welcome as their behaviour is unacceptable. Tell parents they are still welcome if they want to join holiday party. Not sure why you're putting up with A's appalling behaviour.