Holiday Drama...What should I do?

[Whyisnothingever]

This is a long story but I will try and keep it short without drip feeding but I am looking for opinions and others experience.

We recently had a family holiday (10 people) , it was a long and expensive trip.
Part of the group had many trepidations prior to going due to Person A's behaviour.
Low and behold they managed to ruin the end of the holiday quite spectacularly.

We are planning the next family trip now (this was in the works prior to the 10 people holiday) that is a short city trip to mark a milestone birthday, not all of the original ten are going (this is not an issue).

Person A was invited but it is quite clear that there behaviour was inexcusable and many going on the trip would rather they were not going.

How would you explain to person A that it would best they not attend without causing offence?
It also doesn't help that Person A has a parent due to come also and whilst they are still welcome too it may be awkward for them to still come?
They are very much in denial about Person A's behaviour.

anyone want to share there horror stories?

You go first!

Good for you. I'm really happy for you.

But that's not reality for everyone is it and it's not what OP is saying she's experiencing either is it? So am i not allowed an opinion because you and your family are all BFFs? Did I come along and personally accuse any of your family members of being any of those things? Why are you so personally offended?

In this case, I think your best option is separate accommodation and if OP wants to arrange itinerary, then I'd quite happily let them.

Apologies, I meant if they wanted to arrange their own separate itinerary for the trip - not let them arrange itinerary for whole group!

You need to uninvite them and make it clear exactly why, holidays are precious time off to unwind and expensive. They already ruined and wasted one holiday, why would you let them have the opportunity to do the same again and ruin someone's milestone birthday. Of course they will never change thir behaviour if they constantly get away with it and are never directly challenged. The mother glossing over it is a perfect example. If she is also uninvited maybe she might have more to say to them about it!

Why are you worried about causing offence to person A but not bothered about upsetting all the people who behave well?

Very true.

Make an announcement that the next trip is canceled.

Then start over the planning, with just the guest list that you want. You'll have to leave A's parent out but c'est la vie.

Dragging a stranger back to my holiday villa would be a permanent dealbreaker.

Do you all stay in one accommodation?
can’t you book a separate place for Person A and their parents!??

If they’re 33 and have form for being an obnoxious twat, please don’t waste your energy on not wanting to offend them. They haven’t shown the 9 (?) of you such courtesy so why should it be extended to them? Tell them they’re not invited specifically because of their behaviour (and I’d definitely mention bringing strangers back to the villa! WTAF? Any children on the trip?). Can’t stand people like this who are so unreasonable they get away with shitty behaviour because it’s easier not to engage with them. If their behaviour never has consequences then they’ll continue to stomp through life trashing people’s boundaries.

We are planning the next family trip now

WHY!?!?!

They are obviously not working. Stop tippy-going around everyone (including PERSON A and their Mum) and jus do your own thing.

Just stop going on family holidays - they always sound totally awful.

I’d uninvited the parent too, they’re enabling a 33 year old brat and don’t seem to care about anyone else’s time and money being wasted by their selfish arsehole behaviour. Holidays are precious, don’t let anyone ruin them.

I'd just be saying it how it is, that I'm not going if person A is going and stick to that, even if when you turn up they're there on the holiday. If they are then completely refuse to have anything to do with them

My father behaves like this. Holidays have been blissful since we stopped inviting him.

I e no doubt person A is a royal PITA but what’s wrong with doing separate things on a holiday? We have huge family holidays and it’s great but we all do whatever we want to, some things alone/ with partners and some in bigger groups. We mostly eat together in the evening.

we do have an interesting individual who has had their moments but we try to avoid any touchy subjects ( many) and basically we all get along great.

We definitely need more information on A’s crimes to know if they should be banned. 😊

I don't get all the pussyfooting around. Tell person A that due to past behaviour they aren't invited.

I just know that Person A will find a way to ruin it, they have already made it clear that if we do anything they don't want to do on the trip they will bugger off elsewhere and do something else (thinking this was a generous solution of them.)

It sounds to me like none of you like Person A and so their behaviour is always going to be judged badly even when it's not - because honestly, a big group of people who insist on doing everything all together all the time sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. No wonder Person A freaks out.

When we are away with family, it's a given that at various times various people and smaller groups will go off and do other things. Isn't that one of the great things about family - you can say, "no, I don't fancy that I think I'll slope off to a park with my book" and no one bats an eyelid.

Uninviting the person is unreasonable. Putting solutions in place to mitigate bad behaviour is fine. eg letting Person A have a break from the rest of you sometimes.

I just know that Person A will find a way to ruin it, they have already made it clear that if we do anything they don't want to do on the trip they will bugger off elsewhere and do something else

Surely that would be OK? 9 people want to visit the castle. A prefers to go to the beach. Let them go to the beach and catch up later on

There's no way to uninvite A without causing offence / hurt feelings. You - and the rest of the group - may feel that's a price worth paying. Your other options are to go anyway and hope for the best, or don't hold gatherings for the whole family

it resulted in a stranger being invited into our holiday home whilst we were out, this felt like a huge violation

But wasn't A there? And surely it was their holiday home too, so why can't they invite someone??

But if you don't like it then don't invite A next time.

hahaha calm down, you said they should be banned. Why should nobody else have a family holiday because you belong to a family of cranks? Including you based on your reply 😆

This

Unilaterally you can tell everyone you don’t want to holiday in the group. But you can’t unilaterally tell someone they are not part of the group, unless the group is behind you.

I would say that if members of the group have that big a problem they just won’t holiday together again and will turn down the invite. Which is what you should do unless the whole group wants this person out.

I'll go back on reading your posts that have been sent since the opening one in a moment. My advice - you send a message to Parent of Person A and to Person A saying very clearly (which my post isn't after I have read it 😆)

"Hi both - following on from our recent trip abroad where PersonA's behaviour was unacceptable and was extremely rude/committed crimes/ruined the end of the trip for many on the trip, the consensus is that you are both no longer welcome on the FamilyB's 50th Birthday trip to Bognor. Please do not make this a bigger issue than it already is. PersonA caused a lot of offence and we do not wish to spend time with them at the moment and by going to their defence, we are equally disappointed in Parent of Person A. For the moment, let's leave it at that. Regards, Whyisnothingever"

It is hard to uninvite someone without causing a family rift! (Perhaps the rift would be fine with the rest of you though?) You are going to have to offend person A one way or another.

You could just set out for person A how the holiday is going to go and what you expect of them. Explain how they offended last time and how angry everyone still is. Stress the things you will be expecting them to do this time. Show them what the holiday will be like. Perhaps they will opt out.