Holiday Drama...What should I do?

[Whyisnothingever]

This is a long story but I will try and keep it short without drip feeding but I am looking for opinions and others experience.

We recently had a family holiday (10 people) , it was a long and expensive trip.
Part of the group had many trepidations prior to going due to Person A's behaviour.
Low and behold they managed to ruin the end of the holiday quite spectacularly.

We are planning the next family trip now (this was in the works prior to the 10 people holiday) that is a short city trip to mark a milestone birthday, not all of the original ten are going (this is not an issue).

Person A was invited but it is quite clear that there behaviour was inexcusable and many going on the trip would rather they were not going.

How would you explain to person A that it would best they not attend without causing offence?
It also doesn't help that Person A has a parent due to come also and whilst they are still welcome too it may be awkward for them to still come?
They are very much in denial about Person A's behaviour.

Has anyone asked the birthday person?

I would start there. If they respond that yes, they are dreading A causing problems again, then you have the moral highground to either tell A to give it a miss (A's parent can react how they like to that...) or cancel/withdraw from the whole shindig & make other arrangements to celebrate the birthday.

If they say that they adore A, difficult bugger though he/she can be, I would probably suck it up (& ignore all of A's flouncing/posturing). Alternatively, if you really really can't face that, just make your own excuses.

Either way, I would make this the last big family holiday. Do things in smaller, A free groups going forward.

The op doesn’t appear to have asked anyone

It sounds like you are going to be pissy with A if they don't want to go along with your jolly enforced fun. I assume from your question about bringing a stranger back to the accommodation that this happened last time, and that while they were alone they shagged someone?

I can't think of many worse days out than traipsing round museums with a load of my extended family, but I'd probably still go on the trip because I wouldn't want to miss out on the trip if everyone else was. Does it really matter if she doesn't join your days out - is it just because you don't trust her due to what's happened in the past? I don't really understand why else you would "have an issue with it"?

Can you book a hotel so a & b have to share (might make b more aware!)

Send an itinerary before anyone books anything. Saying this is our plan, if you don't want to be part of this we won't be offended (or clapping for joy!)

It wouldn't bother me if A went off alone while others were out sightseeing. I've been on family holidays where I've split off to the pool or to a different restaurant than the main group, with no issues.

It would be a dealbreaker for me if someone brought a stranger into our accommodation, whether we were there or not. For any reason.

That's why I like hotels and get my own room; sharing of villas & Airbnbs might work for some people but give me a good old-fashioned hotel any day.

I absolutely would not be ok with a stranger being brought back. If someone else wants to engage in risky behavior like that, it needs to be kept completely to themselves. It is for people who live alone, are willing to get a hotel room, or have specifically found people to share living space that want to share that kind of risk.

Has OP ever actually confirmed that person A was shagging the living daylights out of someone in front of the cosy lounge fire while everyone was trying to enjoy canapés? I must have missed that bit

Good point!

In the same vein, then, here’s mine:

I went on holiday with person X and person Y to place Z. Person X did something. It was awful. I can’t believe they did it in Z. Really not the right sort of place is it? Person Y sort of agrees with me.

The op hasn’t shared a “horror story”

shes stated that she can’t stand person A and doesn’t want them to come and that she’s the only one who can say anything. And that’s it.

m so either no one else in the family think the same as her and it’s just the op has a vendetta against person A or no one in the family has a backbone or is bothered about it.

Either way - no horror story here. Just a case of an op not wanting to holiday with someone as far as I can tell

I couldn’t think of anything worse than having to traipse around in a huge group. Let them go off and do their own thing & meet for dinner.

what sort of stranger? Need more context.

What would go wrong if they go off by themselves?

It sounds perfectly reasonable for person A to do their own thing whilst you sightsee and then get together for dinner and any other things they are interested in. I wouldn’t mind a stranger being invited to a place by another adult that I knew, no.

Doing your own thing a bit on a family trip, no matter how long, is mandatory in my book to keep sanity intact.

Inviting someone over is fine, barring obvious types of someones that wouldn’t be, but you haven’t mentioned that it was atilla the hun so I assume it was just a person.

So what else does person A do wrong

We were staying in a resort in Phuket a few years back, and a family had booked one of the larger residences for their stay.

it was really obvious the DIL was having a hard time enjoying herself and a couple of times we could hear her crying loudly. She and her DH who we presumed was the son of the older parents, moved into another villa of which she wouldn’t come out of. He was trying to go between her and his family and we could see everyone was just over it. From what I could glean, a daughter was giving her a hard time and she felt excluded etc.

anyhow she ended up terribly drunk and he left her in the villa sobbing. They were all gone by the next day…

Someone needs to sit Person A and their parent down and say that Person A’s behaviour was such that neither are invited as it currently stands… this will give person A a chance to grovel

I say NO to big family hols

I had this with ex BIL. I said, I can’t cope with aspect x of BIL’s behaviour. So we can’t come with - (or we will come with but will do day trips just us as don’t want this behaviour to ruin holiday, we accept it will ruin family evening mealtimes). DH agreed with me. SIL was totally furious. MIL / FIL understood why I said this. SIL got divorced - ex BIL has NPD and 10 years later still behaves in same way.

Does anyone else actually think that person in OP's family think A was out of order or is it just OP? It isn't your event so surely it is for the person whose life event it is to decide whether they want A along. So what is A wants to go shopping/watchTV/go ice-skating when you are in a museum and then meets up for a meal later.Maybe the me will go better of A hasn't had to put up with a judgemental relative all day.

@Whyisnothingever
Just wondering by your description do they have any issues ? ( like substance misuse)
We have a family member a bit like this 😔

It seems with the development of the thread and no real sharing of any real issue, that OP has a dislike for A (contrary to my initial thoughts shared).

OP you need to share more for people to give their best opinion, or maybe re-evaulate how much 'everyone' dislikes A to the point of excluding A, or is that just you no longer being able to tolerate A?

From what I've read, it's an issue if A wants to do her own thing and join family time? Maybe you'd like to do the same but feel a greater sense of obligation to appease the family? Maybe A is ballsy enough to be herself and not have to tow the line and be a people pleaser? I am part of in laws who would be such a nightmare to spend an entire holiday with! However, in small doses, I enjoy their company and the catch ups. If I was to holiday with them, I would so go off and do my own thing, and join them for meals and evenings of fun.

I have a people pelasing SIL who probably wouldn't write a post like yours hmmm because secretly she'd want to be herself too, but would choose to tag along with the majority because it gets her the gold stars. For some reason, I get the vibe, you're like my SIL? Maybe a bit envious of A being comfortable enough to her own person and not giving a shit about what anyone thinks?

As for her bringing back someone to sleep with (*what else could it have been I wonder lol), yes it's not ideal, but unless shit went missing and the place looked like a storm hit it, no harm done?!

*would write a post like yours

When the bad behaviour happened did anyone call A out? If yes then that person should tell them they are on a last chance and then they are out. If no - then A may think all is dandy so you need to ask yourself why is everyone silent?

Might not apply to a short break, but a Dutch friend used to say 'Family and fish go off after three days.'