Holiday Drama...What should I do?

[Whyisnothingever]

This is a long story but I will try and keep it short without drip feeding but I am looking for opinions and others experience.

We recently had a family holiday (10 people) , it was a long and expensive trip.
Part of the group had many trepidations prior to going due to Person A's behaviour.
Low and behold they managed to ruin the end of the holiday quite spectacularly.

We are planning the next family trip now (this was in the works prior to the 10 people holiday) that is a short city trip to mark a milestone birthday, not all of the original ten are going (this is not an issue).

Person A was invited but it is quite clear that there behaviour was inexcusable and many going on the trip would rather they were not going.

How would you explain to person A that it would best they not attend without causing offence?
It also doesn't help that Person A has a parent due to come also and whilst they are still welcome too it may be awkward for them to still come?
They are very much in denial about Person A's behaviour.

It doesn't matter if UABU or Person A is a nightmare or what happened before. You don't want to be on holiday with this person, and that's all that matters.

Why are you the gatekeeper of this holiday? Is it your birthday? Did you organise the trip? If so, feel free to ring A and tell them to sod off, they're uninvited. No doubt their parent will also cancel.

If you are not the organiser, then either suck it up for one last mini break and never do this again, or don't go yourself.

It still sounds like you expect everyone to stick to your itinery - museums and sightseeing, despite what you say about people being free to do their own thing. No wonder A is seen as the "troublemaker", if that is your attitude.

Ive been on lots of group holidays and everyone should be free to do what they want to do. It's their holiday too.

Just tell them to piss off.
Tell them they're no longer invited because they've been a complete pain in the arse.

Then book something else/somewhere else/different date as a smaller group - leaving out the "in denial" parent too.

I think that if you'd all have a better break with A not there, then announce cancellation of trip and reschedule another without letting A or their parent know.

Often in a family group there's one person who doesn't gel with the rest, or is a fun sponge, or is argumentative, makes snippy remarks or whatever, you don't need to include them every time you have an event. I can think of people I certainly wouldn't want along on a trip away and would feel dismay if it was said that they were invited, so I can see why your family would feel that way.

Just don't post loads of photos on SM.

@Notofamilyholidays Family holidays should be banned. Why spend that much money, use up your holiday leave to spend time with the passive aggressive one, the pissed up loud one, the gossipy one, the narcissistic controlling one (these could all be the same person, tbf). Always walking round on tiptoes and trying to please everyone, which is impossible. Holidays are precious, expensive and, for most, rare. They should only be arranged with people you truly want to spend that amount of time with

This is just sound common sense.

They say "you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family" and I agree with that. But there is no law I am aware of that says you should spend your holidays with them...

I have been in a similar situation. I have an adult nephew that ruins every holiday, dinner, event. We are oftentimes forced to do a get together or dinner with him but many in our family vowed many years ago they would never spend another penny to holiday with the family if he is included. We have stuck to it. He knows why many of us holiday without these others and could not give a fig.

Thank you, Common sense. Be aware, people are going to vilify you for expressing this opinion

Has anyone ever actually managed to change the behaviour of a routinely badly behaved family member (over the age of, say, 33)?

I’ve been doing this for decades now

extended family holidays go most smoothly with the following parameters

1. not shared accommodations. Each group has their own space.

2. only a few key events are “mandatory”. Really nothing is mandatory, but make it clear which meals or events are the big focus you are hoping everyone attends

3. all other events are available, but people are also free to do their own thing. Having cutoffs for signups to events is fine because tickets or appointments must be arranged. For less formal things saying we are leaving for the beach at 10 and anyone who is ready can come is also fine. You don’t have to be held hostage by indecision or laziness.

4. cook together as little as possible. This one is controversial and not everyone will agree. It’s one I often have to compromise on for family harmony, even as I hate every minute of it and feel like it is ruining my holiday

as for your boorish relative, if you have separate hotel rooms, it might not be a problem. It doesn’t sound like the relative is drunk, high, or violent which is the more typical problematic relative on holiday scenario.

It sounds like everyone walks on eggshells around this Person A. Do they look for an argument or just have a big blow up when things don't go their way?

I always think it's best to have your own space if there's strong personalities in a family holiday group, so stay in a hotel where you can escape to your room if needed or I once stayed in a place that lots of little apartments (all self-catering) with a bigger communal space that people could come together in. It worked well.

Secondly, always agree that you don't have to do everything together. Some of you might say 'we are going to the museum today' but anyone else who doesn't want to do that can make their own arrangements.

@catell01 Thank you, Common sense. Be aware, people are going to vilify you for expressing this opinion

Thanks for the heads-up. I'll get my tin hat out 😀

A gets their own place, can do as they want. Everyone else has fun.

This. DHs family often used to go on group holidays. They'd get a small minibus so they could all go out together everywhere. Everything they told us about these holidays made dh and I all the more determined to say "no thanks".

I really don't understand what is so terrible about person A wanting to do their own thing. Why is it obgligatory for them to do what someone else has chosen to do?

It would be interesting to hear person A's side of the issue.

Tell A they are not welcome. Tell A's parent they are welcome if they can get past being an apologist/enabler for A and don't expect a change of mind about A's inclusion.

This is a watershed for your family. As PPs said, no one will want to go again if A goes, so it should be sorted out now.

Oh, and please tell us what happened with 'the stranger'....😈

Ugh, my family has a "person A" who everyone knows is a huge pain but only I am brave enough to say enough is enough, which of course made me "person A".
Nothing major, just a long string of rudeness, entitled behaviour, argumentativeness, chip on shoulder attitude and outright insults (at me) which tipped me over the edge to the point I refuse to go to family events that he's at.

Your message gave me anxiety! Family holidays, with so many personalities in such a self indulgent me me me world! I'd rather holiday with a take away, my duvet and Netflix any day!

As for the question at hand, I'd get the most 'mature', person in the family to talk to A on being a dramatic A hole. We all have that member of the family who no one wants to confront, yet have to endure anxiety at the sheer thought of them coming with their unwanted plus one - DRAMA! But that's what elders are for lol... who cares about but thurt feelings, when A clearly has an acquired personality it seems! No one likes an attention seeking dramatic loud mouth.

If you don't have an elder who is part of the majority opinion, and willing to exercise their elder-dom (yes I just created a word lol), you need to question whether you want to be a part of such an experience that will likely end badly. If you choose to sit out, don't let your mind fall for all the 'happiness' that will plague social media. You know the price you will have to likely pay if A attends. You need to decide if that is worth your time, energy and anything else you transact in such trips.

If someone got lucky id probably think good on them, it’s not like they’d have anywhere else to go. If it was just a random drinking pal id be annoyed they didn’t just go to a bar.

LMAO! Oh dear! I highly HIGHLY doubt that!😂

LMAO! Oh dear! I highly HIGHLY doubt that!😂

I would tell them that actions have consequences and people dont want to be around them so they are uninvited.

Just see it as teaching them a lesson they should have learned as a child so you are ultimately doing them a favour. Otherwise how will they ever change ?

Agree that person A should be allowed to do there own thing (I definitely wouldn’t agree to trips out en-masse that I didn’t want to do), why can’t the do there own thing and meet you later?

Depends who they bought to the holiday home and for how long?

Bad manners and ruining holidays is unacceptable though so maybe agree what everyone wants in advance, those who want to come can and others can bow out.