Unhappy that my husband has booked our holiday for next 18 months without consulting me

[CHE1982]

My husband loves old, architecturally interesting buildings. The Landmark Trust is therefore his go-to place for family holidays. So far, we've been on about 15 of them. They are popular, and so they book up quickly. But he told me the other day (our wedding anniversary in fact...) that he's booked 5 holidays up to the end of 2023, all at Landmark properties! I don't have a long list of other places to go to, but I find it so depressing and formulaic that these are the only places we visit. Plus, they are not necessarily in great locations - it is about the building rather than the location - so you end up pottering around a relatively unremarkable part of the UK. I enjoy a few creature comforts on holiday - embarrassed to say I quite like a washing machine! The children get covered in mud and I spend my holiday hand washing their clothes at a Landmark.... The cooking facilities are ok, but we seem to spend every holiday not eating out either - so I am cooking all holiday too. And then there are no soft carpets or luxurious blankets - a Landmark holiday is the kind when you need to remember to take your thermals and slippers :-) I think I am supposed to be grateful that my husband has organised our holidays and that is one less admin job to think about. But the truth is, I find it demoralising and depressing and holidays end up being the last thing I am looking for to..! AIBU? And any ideas for holidays that will interest my husband and children (8yo and 6yo)??

Once a year if it's his thing would be nice. 5 times is fucking hideous. Not to mention totally selfish - and I love how he dresses it up as doing you a favour!

I think expecting you to do all the cooking and to get by without a washing machine when you have small children, and to choose places that small children will find utterly boring, is a little bit beyond the beyond, if you know what I mean. It's not a holiday for you, more like water torture. At least that's how it would be for me. Don't let it be. Make him do it or at least share "half and half" those chores.

However it sounds like his motivotion was mainly to save some time on the bookings since neither of you has time to "deep dive" for the best holidays. But he has defaulted to the things he likes, without consideration for what is fun for you and the children. Not the worst move but not the best one either.

I think that you will need to do some investigation to find a holiday that you and the children would like. Something with a washing machine and some places to go out to dinner. If you do this investigation once, you can pick, say, three places that will be satisfactory and just put those into your annual rotation of holidays. Then he can have two holidays geared towards his favorite things and the rest of you will have three decent little holidays where he might (horrors!) have to put up with going out in public at restaurants.

YANBU. Holidays for all should please all. Otherwise, he's just having a holiday for himself and taking help with him.

The Balmoral Estate has some cottages you can stay in: they have good history BUT ALSO they have modern ammenities and plenty to do in the local area. Plus, some lovely places to eat out.

(And thanks for telling me about the Landmark Trust, I actually quite fancy a few of their properties )

Book a nice spa break for yourself for every holiday he has booked. Tell him he's had his and you're tired of them. It's just a different sink for you. So you want a break.

OP - omg, of course you're not being unreasonable!!

I feel like certain things become the status quo in relationships, and it seems like your DH assumed this was one of them. Maybe selfish, maybe just neurotic/over-eager - you know him better than strangers on here!

For sure, it takes some headspace to plan a holiday. But you don't have to go to DH armed with a list of alternatives to have the conversation. Just tell him you want to leave room to plan some different types of holidays together from now on. And cancel some of the pre-booked ones to make the room for that!

Holidays should absolutely be a balance of what you all want! My DP likes luxury, food, drink, private pool, etc. I like exploring, sightseeing, hiking, activity, excitement. So we always plan our holidays with a mixture of stuff he wants, stuff I want, and stuff we both enjoy. From the destination, to what we do there, and the actual accommodation itself. It's not the unilateral decision of one person. Though I tend to do all the research/planning, and he does all the booking/logistics. But we decide together.

Also, don't feel embarrassed about wanting a washing machine 😂 We have a dog and take him away with us in the UK. Once spent two weeks in Devon/Cornwall trying to shower bloody sand out of his harness every day, mud off towels and clothes, etc., in a place with no washer/dryer. Never again, dear god! Washing machine is non-negotiable now :) Even when we go overseas, we usually do some laundry as we prefer to pack super light. It's not weird. Just personal preference!

I would just talk to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him what you've told us. :)

Unless the nanny is doing your Christmas cards, party planning etc then you sound like you are doing most of the wife work.

"Dear DH, enjoy you trips to old buildings, Love CHE@thebeach."

Of course there should be discussion, whoever then finds the shortlist and does the booking. It would never have occurred to me to book family holidays without both a discussion and considering everyone's wants and interests. Tell him to find alternatives for half of them which don't require you to skivvy for the duration.

Tell him you’re not going . Book yourself into a nice hotel and let him get on with it. 😁

I've stayed in a large Landmark trust property once with friends. It wasn't comfortable - it was cold and a bit stress-y in that you had to take bloody everything with you and the beds were hideous. I wouldn't do it again and I think OP you need to tell your DH all holidays have to be jointly agreed and the LT ones cancelled.

If it helps our most successful holidays with a 9 year old have been:

• York for a short 4 night break in luxury apartment right near the walls - absolutely loads to do
• Lodge holiday on a complex with a large swimming pool (that's all DS wants to do) on way to and from Visit to Harry potter Studio Tour
• Staying in small towns (Yorkshire) with lots 10 minutes walk away - restaurants, castles, swimming pool etc

Our hols next year are going to be DLP and Amsterdam combined and a tour around the UK seeing family for part of it but staying at lodges / towns on way there and back. We have discovered we much prefer to be near to things for options like eating out, choosing what you want to eat on the day etc

Sit him down, see which one of any you want to do. Cancel
the rest. And take the kids to Eurocamp or Mallorca or somewhere for a bit if sun, culture and a pool…

If he doesn’t like lots of people just get airbnbs and hire independently - we’ve not been in a hotel hotel outside of work trips in decades.

Don't go.

Seriously.

Don't go.

He's a selfish twat who books holidays he wants, and to hell with you or his own children, which he leaves you to look after and take care of by the sound of it.

When the next one rolls around, pack up the children, put them and their things in the car ... and wave goodbye. Don't even tell him you're going to do it if you think he'll sulk and complain. Just tell him you were denied input on the holiday or the spending of family money, and you've had enough. He can take and wrangle the children on the holiday he wanted, but you're done enabling his selfish behaviour. Let him do all the heavy lifting and entertain his own children for a week on the holiday he insisted upon and realise how selfish he's been.

Stay home or make plans to go off to with or to see a friend somewhere else.

This is awful, and not what I would consider to be a holiday. Let him go on his own, and pay for it himself rather than with joint finances!

You just sound ungrateful. DH is absolutely in the right (as always). You just need to take the L

If this is not a wind-up it is unbelievable and would be a deal breaker for me. How very dare he assume to know best what you want for a holiday? How has this situation been allowed to develop, and why have you let it happen, OP?

It is perfectly possible to appreciate and visit old buildings of architectural interest on holiday, but you don't need to stay in one! As for not taking your preference for a proper holiday (no cooking, housework etc. (washing by hand???), into consideration when you would prefer a hotel, what kind of selfish prick is he? Sorry, but I feel quite outraged on your behalf. Is he some sort of paterfamilias or patriarch as far as you and your DC are concerned? Does he always know best and get his own way?

If you are not actually a doormat, tell him to cancel at least three of them and you will have a holiday that suits all of you. Make the time to be involved in choosing it. I cannot get over this post.

Brilliant idea by bewarethetides He will be assuming you will do all the skivvy work. Just wave him goodbye and see how he likes it on holiday.

Basically this with a side dollop of WTF 🤬

How DARE he book without consulting you. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Ungrateful for what exactly?! 😂

Even if you all loved the choice, you should have been consulted. A particular location may be better at certain times of year, for example.

Its his money. well for some that all the stress is taken off them

YANBU.

I will give him a couple of points for at least taking action and booking something. But that's 2/20. Not a high score.

Tbf if you really have not got time to have a conversation about a holiday, that's a relationship problem. I'd suspect a different problem - that if you have the conversation, he point blank refuses to compromise, so you either do what he wants or you don't go on holiday at all.

Set a few parameters, start an MN thread, get 2 decent options and take them to him as suggestions, explaining what works for you and the kids about them.

I've always fancied staying here

It's rude, not to have consulted you first

We both work FT, we always make time to research holidays

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@PermanentTemporary - you're quite right. We don't talk properly about holidays, children's schools, moving house. Lots of big issues. Because talking about them creates conflict, as we have different ideas/tastes/priorities (did I change? Did he? I don't know how its ended up like this!) ...that's a whole other thread....
Update: I've emailed him asking to speak about the booked holidays, suggesting we keep a couple and ditch the rest, and giving ideas of alternatives. He emailed back extolling the virtues of the booked properties and telling me the children liked these kinds of properties too (they know little else...), but nevertheless agreeing to cancel if I wanted. So, that's a start!
Thank you for suggestions on this thread. I've mentioned Pembrokeshire, Jersey, UK city breaks like York and Bath, and then Europe (Spain, Italy, France, Malta, the Austrian lakes suggestion). Fingers crossed! x

OK that's some progress. As he is clearly going to put the success of these new ideas all on you, make sure you book stuff you have some interest in doing.

I'll join others on the thread in saying it's not compulsory to have every trip together. Though it's risky if there are faultlines in your relationship to give your partner the idea that you'd rather be apart.

(Of course the children have shown pleasure at these holidays. I'm sure they have been fun in some ways, plus children are generally really lovely and do try to have a good time. You're not saying 'LT are shit', you're objecting to finding you've been parachuted into having hard-work LT holidays without any discussion of the impact on you.)

Holiday’s should not be classed as admin, although I can understand it if that’s your only options 🥱 Book a holiday of interest for you & your family. Get on ebookers, book flights, a small hotel or 2, & a driver or transport. Researching a holiday is just as good as having one.

Norfolk is lovely with lots of great beaches. The Isle of Wight is also good, there are holiday sites for families with everything you need for a family holiday. Your DH must put the children first whilst they are young.